N's... Telling other people?

[SurviveAndGrow]

Is there any sense in telling people you know that you have N's in your life?

...

 it seems mainly useless.  Furthermore, it seems to trigger more problems (The N's use anything we may say to 'defend' ourselves).  And... it is putting people in the same boat as we are in (exposing them to the same problems we have to deal with, seemingly without much chance that they might be able to help us).

SurviveAndGrow.

[mum]

Welcome.  Oh, gosh, I'm not sure I have any answers here.  I have a million self help books on my shelf, but nobody really comments on them, unless we are close, and then they know my background and my searching, and then they borrow the books!!

As far as who looks good/who looks bad.........well, since you know by now the N's are great at "appearing" wonderful....well, why bother? If others are "taken in" well, let them figure it out for themselves.
So you say it seems mainly useless. BINGO. Move on.

I have found that the more I talk about my exN, the more power I give him and his antics.......because I am spending time and energy THINKING ABOUT HIM or what he is or isn't doing to me/my kids.....blah blah blah.
This board is ONE exception: a place where WE GET IT!  Yup, here is the place to vent. Don't bother with explaining N ness to everyone....not worth it.

When you can identify the problem (you have) and let it go....then you can move on and spend your energy on more pleasant endeavors.  Like those new, happy folks you would rather spend time with.

Family is tough, boy I know that.  And yes, they will use children as another tool/supply.  That's the toughest of all. But the overall picture remains the same. Know who you are dealing with. Generate and trust your own boundaries for yourselves and your children. And then LET IT GO....it's NOT your job to make grown ups happy! Can't be done.  Recipe for pain with an N.

Take care of yourself...love yourself enough NOT to allow the pain dumping that the N's are used to.  Let them OWN their issues. In what ever small ways you can, cut the N's out of your thoughts.

[Plucky]

Hello and welcome S&G. 
Short answer:  no.  Unless you are telling another person who has Ns in his/her life,  and that would be up here, and here it is safe and might have to be it for you!
I've only tried to confide twice, and both times I lost a friend over it.  Not a friend I mourned mightily, mind you.  But still.

Don't expect too much.   Some of us went years thinking everything was normal and it was really us, not them.  And we were experiencing it firsthand! 
Plucky

[Chicken]

Hi Survive and Grow-
I personally have a lot of people in my life, my family and a few friends whom I can't talk to on a deep level and that would include talking to about N's or such things.  Some people just aren't on the same wavelength.  Maybe these are people who never experience such things because they had a healthy upbringing? 
I don't like opening up to people who can't meet you at that depth, you can usually tell when you feel around in conversation (for want of a better expression! Ha Ha) whether or not they are capable of peering beneath the surface...
It's a not so nice feeling when you have opened up to someone and they don't relate.  You feel exposed, vulnerable and not validated.  Yeuck! 

[miss piggy]

Hello S&G,

I think the topic of N is the same as perhaps alcoholism was (and still is?).  People are at various stages of understanding what N is, coping with Ns, or Nness, in various stages of recovery and/or denial.  I find that people would react with fear or cluelessness and have various motives for those reactions.  Recovering from a lifetime of N is like looking for war buddies who were in different infantries in different engagements.  Veterans don't talk about war except with other veterans.

And because Ns present themselves in varying ways to different people, it's trickier for those individuals to agree on one particular perception of the N.  In other words, people experience the very same N differently. 

Bottom line: pursue the relationships that are healthy for you, acknowledge what works for you.  Do not pursue agreement or a strength in numbers strategy.  It usually doesn't work.  Also, my sib and I are in agreement about Nfather, but sib is N too, so the alliance is an unstable one.  So it's like living through my own version of Smiley's People.  Spies and betrayal everywhere.  Do I sound paranoid?  You bet.

Lastly, I don't leave my self-help books lying around.  Just too much fodder for covert gossipy Ns. 

Hope this helps.  Miss Piggy

[Marta]

Veterans don't talk about war except with other veterans.

MP, nice...

Survivor, everything you say is so familiar to all of us who've dealt with Ns on this board. The only way out of the situation is to cut contact with Ns. None of my friends understand. The only friend I confided in seemed to think that it was MY fault, without knowing any details.

Hugs, Marta

[cat]

It has been my experience not to talk about it at all.  Occasionally, people might ask about my relationship with my parents - and if they seem really interested, I will tell them about it.

Mostly, if I speak poorly about them, I appear to be a bad person - and the cycle starts all over again.  Those people who have observed the interactions of my parents and us children (without speaking words) quickly come to an understanding of what's going on.

I have the luxury of a mother (and what kind of a mother this) who write scathing letters about us kids to all of their friends.  When the friends meet us, they start to rethink what they've been told - and eventually things are understood.

The books that I have about this subject (referred to on this site) - are in my bedroom, and not available for others to notice. 

Having an N-parent is frustrating, embarassing and humiliating.  I try to keep away from the subject with others, as I might wind up doing the same thing my Mom does - writing or speaking bad.

[Sallying Forth]

My experience is you wont get support from family members in the N ruled family because either they see white elephant or they don't. If they do see the white elephant they wont want to take your side to remain loyal to the white elephant.

The same is the case for any friends of the N family or friends of yours who know the N family.

N's are usually abusers and will twist things around to make you look like the white elephant.

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft will help you understand how the abuser operates and the family dynamics which go hand in hand with abusers. Abusers talk about Lundy. They have nothing nice to say about him. Gee I wonder why? He tells the truth they don't want revealed.


I have not talked about the N stuff to any of my brothers. The only persons who know about it are my therapist and my h.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi S&G and welcome

I have to agree with the others when it comes to telling people about N's.

My bio dad is an N.  For years he told me that his dad wouldn't have anything to do with him and neither would his sister.  The problem is all them and he couldn't do anything about it.  I felt sorry for him, I mean, who wouldn't feel sorry for someone who had been cast aside.  It is only very recently that I've realised this is not true and he had a big part to play in it all.  Now I don't have any contact with him, you can bet he is saying the same thing about me, because that's the way he is, except the sad part is that he really can't see why.

I also speak to one of his friends who finds him very good company and they enjoy his company.  When they speak of him, it is like they are talking about a different person.

So I would say, no, don't bother.  Look after yourself and do what's right for yourself and your family.

Take care

H&H xx

[genuine]

I find that unless the other person is dealing with a narcissist in their own life their capacity in understanding you and your situation is greatly diminished. I keep it to myself most of the time.

[SurviveAndGrow]

Hey All,

Thank you !

Also, it is so great to be able to tell you...  

...

Thanks to all,

SurviveAndGrow.

[Plucky]

Hi there s&g,
Glad you can get some help from the board.  I wish your wife strength in dealing with the Ns.
One thing that finally motivated me was the fact that I had to choose between my own family and my N family.  I saw the light, especially when it came to subjecting my children to that madness.

Not sure if I got the gist of your post but I'll try.  I would avoid giving too many details to your family.  Do acknowledge that your wife's family is 'difficult', 'touchy', 'odd', use whatever words you can to indicate that strange behavior from or towards them should be expected and it is nothing to be surprised about, and not to take anything they do or say too seriously. Don't try to give a mini-history or details of their sick behavior all at once or upfront.  Because it is too incredible to anyone who has not experienced it firsthand, and they will then have to wonder about your sanity and well-being.

Sooner or later they will do something that shows their true colors, and having been alerted to their abnormality, your family can ask more information or draw their own conclusions.

Good luck.
Plucky

[write]

I think it's just like me trying to explain I have a mental illness ( bipolar 1 )
Except for a handful of people who fully understand the issue ( or me ) it will be the same- how can someone so highly functionning be sick/ are you sure/ you're exaggerating/ maybe if you try....

People mean well, on the whole, but most people don't understand anything outside of their own experience and more particularly anything outside what they want to.

Since most N s seem to be successful and manage to confuse if not completely convince others who are not close to them, I think we're on a hiding to nothing to discuss a complex personality disorder which even therapists and doctors often miss or don't comprehend the full implications.

That's why this board is important- because most of us have experienced then researched the subject, found a lot of the material to be either narcissistic in itself or useless, and continued to post here over time.

No one can understand the way a narcissist can be so many things on so many levels plus be abusive unless they've been there and spent time trying to change things or help, only to realise that outside help is difficult to find and the n has only flashes of wanting to change depending on life circumstances etc.

And few people will understand that if you're going to love an N over time- it's got to be at a safe distance where they cannot pull the rug on your life.

I got advice from my sister ( a highly qualified medical specialist ) last week to move back in wth N-h 'to save money'! It's laughable, and I told her everything I knew about it plus she knew quite a bit already, and has been witness to the many problems we've had down the years.

When I told her we are all doing fine as we are she did that 'deep sigh 'thing...I guess to let me know she thinks I'm a fool.

Which I would be if I took her advice...or tried to explain this complex disorder to anyone else who is incapable of knowing.

ONE FINAL THING:

I refuse to live my life any more constantly trying to explain or justify my decisions.
From now on- if I think or feel it it's enough for me.

[SurviveAndGrow]

Hi write,

...

Thank you so much!

SurviveAndGrow.

[write]

well, what other people think would make our life easier- we know would make our lives hell!

It is an additional dimension to dealing with this though- having to accept that outsiders will continue to see things differently, and having to be strong against their 'advice'.

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