How to learn to cope

[mw19_emt]

 I just recently found out that my fiance is cheating on me. I have never felt so alone and betrayed. To understand everything you have to know the whole story.3 years ago I met him and we fell deeply in love. After awhaile I opened up to him about me being raped and molested by my uncle  when I was a child. He urged me to get counsiling and justice. That is exactly what I'm doing.  My trial  is set for in January to send my uncle to prison. But know the one person who I needed most to be there and tell me everything will be alright has betrayed me. It was totally unexspected. I didn't even seen it coming. And now he is putting all the blame on me saying that I made him depressed because of my family problems( the abuse) and because I worry about other people to much.(My best friend is going through a divorce, that's who he's talking about). I never knew that caring about other people was such a bad thing.But, obviosly to him it is. I just don't know what to do, I know I can only take it one day at a time, but how to you learn to breathe again, I've been with him everyday for the past three years I don't even know who I am anymore. I changed into this  he wanted me to be, and now he  has left me for a peice of trash(I've seen her and know who she is, I would never associate with her because of her reputaion) I just don't understand why he would to this to me. How do you get the pain to go away? please give me some advise because I don't know what to do.

[stayhuman]

Hi there mw19,

I do not think I am qualified to give you the best advice on how to cope. I'm sure others on here can do that better than me.

However, I just wanted to say it WILL be ok. The way he has betrayed you must hurt to a level I cannot comprehend but I know that one day you will be able to breathe again even though it is so unimaginable right now because of the pain.

I do not know what else to say except from *hug* *hug* and more *hugs*.

 

[genuine]

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I have never been in your position but I know when someone is laying a guilt trip. It is NOT your fault remember that. Is there anyone else you can lean on for support? if not lean on us, we care!

(((((((( mw19_emt ))))))))

[Plucky]

Hello mw19_emt,
welcome to this board.  I feel so sorry that this is happening to you.  You have before you a very difficult period.  But you will get through it.
The first thing is to identify alternate sources of support.  This board is one.  Your friend that is going through the divorce, can she/he be there for you?  Who else can you depend on?  Go to them and ask for their support during this time, until the court case is over.
The next thing is to avoid getting into any drama with your fiance.  You dion't know what the outcome will be but you don't have any extra energy to deal with that situation also.  Can you just put it on the back burner until you take care of you for a little while?
Realise that it is better to have one real source of support than many false ones that will just re-traumatise you over and over.  Just don't contact him and don't respond to him.
Good luck and tell us the rest of the story.
Plucky




 

[Brigid]

Welcome mw,
I found out my now xnh was being unfaithful about 2 1/2 years ago after 22 years of marriage and 2 children.  It is an indescribable pain that no one can imagine unless they have been through it.  I had absolute faith and trust in my ex and to find out how misplaced that faith was, nearly destroyed me.  As I said recently on another post, cheating is the most selfish and disrespectful act one person can do to another that they profess to love.

You may find that after the pain has passed (and it will) that this was truly a blessing for you to have found out this man's true colors before you married him and perhaps had his children.  Take some time to determine if there were other red flags that you were not seeing in this relationship in case he begs your forgiveness and swears it will never happen again.  Do not accept any responsibility for his actions.  There is no good excuse for dealing with relationship problems by seeking love and attention elsewhere.  If he truly loved you, he could not have done this to you.

You have a difficult situation in front of you with the trial.  As the others have said, I hope you have some close friends or family members to lean on during this time.  I wish you well.

Hugs,

Brigid

[spyralle]

Hi Mw,

There are lots of people here who understand the pain you are feeling right now.  My ex left me four months ago after we had been in love for three years.  i came home from work one day after he had kissed me goodbye to find he had moved out, stolen a lot of money from me and had been stalking some other woman he worked with.  It was impossible for me to marry these two people together and to some extent still is.  In the week that he left he was still professing undyng love for me.  You were spot on with the word betrayal.  That combined with the abandonment nearly finished me off.  i also put all my faith and trust into this man.  he absorbed it and turned the tables so quickly on me that I didn't have time to catch my breath.  Same as you he told me that my time was taken up helping other people.  A few days before he left he called me a sad f**k and a do gooder....

Mw, so much of my energies were taken up trying to understand why he did it.  We had spent every waking moment together and I had lost most of my friends.  The pain is hard and it's dirty but it's the only way through this mess.  i wish I could tell you that it just goes away.  But what I can say is thatit lessens.  If you keep posting here and start reading, you may start to notice things that you have closed your eyes to before.  I am beginning to understand that because i had quite an abusive childhood, I learned to blind spot abusive behaviour.  He will try to put the blame on you.  i know my ex has.  He has told me that the £25,000. he took from me is compensation for having had to put up with me for three years.  These people cannot face the truth, so they project all their inadequacies onto us.  Looking at what you are going through I think that it may help you to find a therapist.  That's what I have done.  I check out my feelings every week and she puts my irrational beliefs about this man into perspective.

You need to take support from others to face this trial.  Let other people help you Mw...  A man who cheats on you is not the person that you need standing by your side to do this.  And try to avoid contact as much as possible.  i think that has been the hardest thing for me, but the longer you can cut the ties the stronger you will become.

Keep posting here as much and as often as you want to.  There will always be someone to hold your hand....

Spyralle x

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya MW

I've put a bit of what happened with me on the "Lasting horrible break up period" so I won't repeat myself here but please feel free to read it.  I relate to several things you say like it being totally unexpected and leaving you for a piece of trash.  As for understanding why he would do that to you, I feel this is something that you may have to accept that you will never understand.  It isn't your fault and you are not responsible for him.

I feel you did well to tell him about your past and that you are facing your uncle in court.  I feel this shows what a strong person you are and also at the end of the day, regardless of what is happening with him now, you were able to talk to him about it.  It was useful to you.

My advice would be to get in touch with your friends, even if you have lost touch with them over the period you have been with your ex boyfriend.  Get in touch with your friend who's going through the divorce and talk to her about how you need her, same with your other friends.  They will be the one's standing next to you, supporting you in court and through this time.

In the short term, can you arrange a night out with your friends, doing something that you want to do?  And then after the court case, maybe think about doing things that you want to do?  Things that you couldn't do when you were together but that you're free to do now.  Can you organise a holiday so you have something to look forward to?

As for the pain hon, it's not going to go away overnight, but don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself time... Time is a wonderful healer.  Also believe that while this is a bad time, it will get better.

Look after yourself chick.

H&H xx

[mw19_emt]

 Thank you everyone who has replied to my message. I'm trying my hardest to be strong and not blame myself. There are moments when I feel just fine, but then I start thinking about how ruthless and mean he was when he tried justifing why he cheated on me. All I can think is what went wrong I gave him my all, I know I was a great girlfriend. But, all I can think is what in the world is this other girl giving him that I have not already, and it totally blows my mind and cuts deeper than I could ever of imagined. My family and friends are trying to be there for me, but the only problem is all of them thought I was to good for him. So there advise more leans toward that they are glad we are not together and there are more fish in the sea. Which is not what I really want to hear about right now. I know they are just trying to make me feel better but it's not working all that well. I still cry myself to sleep and when I hear a sappy love song I have to turn the station. When he calls I don't answer my phone even though it kills me inside. I can't wait until the day I can finally breathe again and know that I made it through everything without him. but for now the wounds on my heart are still fresh.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya hon

I feel that while you are thinking how mean and horrible he was when he was justifying his behaviour of cheating (which he has no justification for... he is totally in the wrong), maybe also try and think that you deserve better.  You deserve to be loved and supported, you deserve to have fun, to smile and laugh and enjoy company and you deserve not to be cheated on.  Sometimes even shout it "I deserve better, I deserve better"

I feel it shows strength and courage on your part not to answer the phone when he calls and maybe in time you will see him the way your friends see him.  I also fully believe that you will make it through everything without him and while at the moment the wounds in your heart are fresh... like a wound that you can see, these will heal in time.  Be good to yourself and give yourself what you do deserve.

All the best


H&H xx

[Gail]

Hi,

Like Brigid, my husband and I divorced after a long marriage, and I still have several children at home.  About six months after my divorce, I began a relationship with a man which lasted for almost 2 years.  I recently ended it because he was extremely critical and not really connected to me emotionally.  That is when I learned about narcissism which helped me put a lot of pieces together and helped me understand why I put up with really terrible behavior and didn't recognize abuse. 

When both relationships ended, I was grief stricken.  I found the grief came in waves.  That may be what you are going through.  You feel OK, and then something will trigger a fresh realization of how he betrayed you, how much you miss him, how you feel deceived, etc., and the pain comes.  It's exhausting, but it does lessen with time.

I'm so glad that you found out he would cheat on you before you married him and had children.  You definitely dodged a bullet there.

I'm sorry, too, about the abuse you experienced.  I think you are very courageous to hold your uncle accountable for his behavior.  You are going to get through both of these terrible experiences and gain a great deal of wisdom and insight in the process.

Gail

[mw19_emt]

 Gail,
you are exactly right there are time that I feel perfectly fine and then I think of something that will make me start crying. Like today at work we were talking about the holidays and what we all were doing for new years and all I could think of was him kissing another woman, and I ripped my heart out again. It also doesnt help that today I stupidly answered my cell phone to a number that I didnt know, and it was him. He told me that I needed to tell my friends and my parents friends that they don't need to say anything to him when he's out. I guess saturday one of the girls that works with my mother saw him with that girl and she said some not so nice things to him. (I havent mentioned that it was just thursday that I found out he was cheating) so he decided to call me and tell me to tell them not to say anything to him and then rub it in my face and I quote him" I can be with who ever I want as a matter of fact three other girls were with me also and tonight I'm going out with MJ" ( MJ is a girl that he liked before we got together). I just don't understand why he is being so, hurtful he doesnt need to say that stuff to me I'm having a hard enough time as it is. and I can truly from the bottom of my heart say that I gave him everything, all of my heart body and soul and would do anything for him. I just don't understand why he is doing this.

[Lizbeth]

I feel so horrible for you MT, you have my sincere sympathies for what you are going through.  I do think you are lucky that you found out about this man before you married him.  You will count your blessings in that department one day, I am sure.

I read in this thread from more than one writer how they spent every waking moment with their SO's (who subsequently cheated on/abandoned them).  This is a red flag in my book; no one should be spending all their time with their SO.  This is also what has happened with my sister and her now (*&*^*( husband.  Estrangement from family and friends seems to be the common thread, as a result, as well.

Healthy relationships should allow for time spent with other people.

Just an observation.

Liz

[Gail]

The reason he's doing it is because he's a jerk and a loser, and has no empathy for what you are going through.  He lacks the ability (or chooses to be this way) to care how another person is feeling.  It will help you feel better of you go to www.drjoecarver.com and read his article on 20 Signs You're Dating a Loser.  If that isn't the right web address, let me know, and I'll get you the correct one.  Even if he didn't want to marry you, he wouldn't be deliberately cruel if he was a decent person.  I'm sure you had many very good times with him, and you really gave your heart to him, but that doesn't change the fact that he has a rotten core.  What does he say to himself after telling you something like that?  His internal dialogue can't be pretty.

Sorry if I sound angry.  GRRRRRR!!!!!  I just hate to see young women (and us middle aged ones, too!) get hurt like this.

Gail

[miss piggy]

Dear MW

I'm sorry you have to go through all this.  If he calls again and you answer, just hang up.  If he leaves a v/m, delete it.  You cannot control your friends any more than you can control him, and if they have some not so nice things to say to him as a result of his vile choices, he's got it coming and he can deal with it.  Clean yourself up from this car wreck of a relationship and move on to safer places.  It isn't your fault he conned you.

Be kind to yourself over the holidays.  Don't call yourself any bad names etc while you recover from this.  If you are alone during the holidays, it's because you are taking care of yourself and you value yourself too much to hurry out into Dating Land too soon.  Besides, the next person you discover deserves a person who can stand alone, before you two can stand together.  Be alone now for the sake of your future relationship(s).  Think of ways now to handle the tricky moments and give yourself permission to do it differently this year.  OK?

You can do it.  Mourn this jerk out of your life and give thanks it's over.  Good luck to you.  MP

[mum]

Hi, MW: I feel so bad for you right now.  I wish I could take your pain for you, because I know how rotten it is and I know that it will pass. But while you're in the muck....well, it just stinks. I remember thinking the bottom had fallen out of my life when my ex cheated on me that first time....that's right, I said first time, leopards do NOT change spots.  I also remember thinking that it must be love if it hurts this bad.
That remains the biggest lie I ever told myself.
Love does NOT hurt like that. LOVE is NOT high drama....although with real love, the drama of life is enough, really. Life is tough as it is, no one needs their life partner to be giving them MORE pain. YOU deserve the real thing.
This guy is a coward, and bully (usually those are together) and a baby.
I hope soon you will move through the pain, probably to anger first (usually my next step), and then you will someday let it go. In the meantime, don't punish and abandon yourself by blaming yourself, or doing that most futile thing of trying to figure out what YOU could have done differently. Doesn't matter. Never did. He did not deserve your love.
((((((((((((((((MW))))))))))))))))))))))) sending you love and hugs and lots of moments where you don't even think about him.
LOVE. the real stuff, starts with YOU loving YOU.