A time for letting go *LONG POST*

[Sallying Forth]

First of all I have not wanted to share this because I thought, well thought it would change. I thought my h could heal. Now I realize this is not possible. Only then did I feel comfortable sharing this. I wanted to hold onto the fantasy that maybe things could change. It was a fantasy and a horrible nightmare.

When starting to compose this topic I found this list below.

I found this list I wrote on October 19, 2004:
I found a web site, abusesanctuary.blogspot, lists abuse in different areas. Since I was somewhat in denial still I decided to make a list. I keep this on my online journal so I can remind myself it is real. I think that is the most difficult thing for me to accept, it is really happening, it really happened. So I needed to show myself, yes it is real.  I added some of my own.

I didn't think there was 'that much' physical and sexual abuse by my husband. But now after listing it I see there is more than I thought.

Many times my husband will say that these things are done as a joke and that he is not serious. To which I say, it may be that way for you but it isn't when it is directed at me. He calls me oversensitive [I don't cry] then or that I can't take a simple joke.

PHYSICAL ABUSE:
- any unwanted physical attention
- restraining
- ignoring my illness
- pressuring or tricking me into something unwanted
- standing too close or using intimidation
- making threats to hurt me, i.e.; hold me down and take advantage of me
- making me afraid by angry looks, gestures or actions
- smashing things

SEXUAL ABUSE:
- believing that rape is about sex (NOT POWER)
- wanting sex so he can feel good about himself, not for my pleasure but only for his
- any unwanted sexual contact
- demanding a kiss so he can feel good ' again'
- coercing for sex, harassing for sex
- uttering threats to obtain sex
- poking my breasts
- unwanted fondling in public
- threatening to have sex with someone else if I don't give him sex
- sexual jokes
- being awakened in the middle of the night for sex especially after being abusive towards me during the day time.
- being forced to have sex while asleep
- telling me he'll have Bible study with me when the house is finished.  And he wont finish the house unless I have sex with him.
- demanding sex for payment or trade or joking about it, i.e.; after killing a big spider for me he intimidated me in the hallway, grabbed his penis and told me I can now get him off. Later he told me it was a joke. Some joke!  I had the deer frozen in headlights reaction to this. I couldn't move one inch for about what seemed like five minutes.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
- name calling and finding fault
- playing 'mind games'
- making me think I am crazy
- overpowering my emotions
- humiliating me
- bringing up past issues to "level the playing field"
- putting me down, not defending me
- turning the situation against me
- laughing at my face
- blame me for things
- silence
- refusing to do things with or for me
- neglecting me
- pressuring me
- expecting me to conform to a role [ex-wife's image]
- comparing me to his ex
- making me feel guilty
- using certain mannerisms or behavior as a means of control, i.e.; rolling his eyes, shaking his head
- manipulation
- starting arguments
- holding grudges and not really forgiving
- lying
- threatening to leave
- threatening to commit suicide
- treating me like a child
- saying one thing and meaning another
- not keeping committments
- threatening me with words
- refusing to deal with issues
- taking advantage of my fear of something (the water, the boat, the island)
- forcing me to make a decision against my will because if I don't I am "trying to make his life miserable".
- making me due illegal things

FINANCIAL ABUSE:
- taking my money for the bills because he can't make any money himself
- pressuring me to take full responsibilities for business finances and then spending money haphazardly without regard for the business finances. Thus making me the "fall guy" for the business's financial problems.
- not fixing my car so I don't have transportation
- delays ordering the parts for my car so I don't have transportation

SOCIAL ABUSE:
- put downs or ignores me in public
- cutting off access to support system (move to an isolated, non-ferried island)
- abuser changes personality when others are around, always a great and fantastic guy around people when I am around too.
- making a 'scene' in public

USING CHILDREN:
- teaching children to abuse me through name calling, etc.
- not sharing responsibility for homeschooling and child care of our son [my stepson]
- putting down my parenting ability in front of our son [my stepson]
- embarrassing me in front of our son [my stepson]

USING RELIGION:
- interspersing religion or scripture your way, i.e.; h says, 'the Bible says we are supposed to have sex as a part of marriage'.
- telling me that the Bible says once you are married your body belongs to your husband and you no longer have the right to say no to sex.
- telling me he'll have Bible study with me when the house is finished.  And he wont finish the house unless I have sex with him.

ENVIRONMENTAL ABUSE;
ABUSE IN THE HOME
- throwing objects
- kicking objects
- punching objects
- destroying objects

ABUSE IN THE VEHICLE
- deliberately driving too fast or recklessly to scare victim
- not taking care of vehicles so they are dangerous to drive

__________________________

On October 19, 2004, I also made this list of the physical symptoms I have suffered as a result of my h's abuse:

"And the day came, when the risk to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anonymous

Our Physical and Emotional Response to Abuse

Members of our forums have experienced and mentioned the following physical and emotional responses to being involved with narcissist/psychopath abusers.

Severe Fatigue or Exhaustion/feeling ‘drained’
Physical weakness/knees buckling
Migraine and other Headaches
Breathing Difficulties
TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint/Pain Disorders, (TM joints attach lower jaw (the mandible) to the skull)
Teeth Grinding/Pain/Loose Teeth/Jaw Clenching
Periodontal conditions
Difficulty Swallowing/Dry Mouth
Severe Stomach aches and cramps, Gastrointestinal reflux disorder (GIRD)
Vomiting/Heartburn/Nausea/Indigestion
Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
Ulcerative Colitis
Constipation/diarrhea
Weight Gain/Loss (sick of the 'sight' of food)
Visual Disturbances/Worsening Vision/Temporary Blindness
Bell's Palsy, trigeminal and peripheral neuralgia, numbness, "pins and needles" sensation, loss of hot/cold skin sensation, (all with often lengthy duration)
Hair thinning/hair loss varying in severity
Haggard appearance/loss of 'sparkle in our eyes'
Sleep Deprivation
'Night Terrors'/Nightmares
Sleep time disturbances, sleeping day awake at night
Skin Itching/Hives/Acne/Rash/Other Skin Problems
Horizontal Ridges in Fingernails
Stiff/Sore Neck
Dizziness
Menstrual irregularities
Loss of sexual interest/libido
Flu-like symptoms/muscle aching
Heart ailments - palpitations
Paranoia/panic/hypervigilance, nervousness (jumpiness/abnormal startle response)
Uncontrollable shaking/hand shaking, eye-lid twitching (& other areas)
Panic Attacks
Sadness/Crying/Worrying/Loneliness/Severe Anger/Anxiety attacks - rollercoaster emotions
Coping emotionally with good days/bad days and strong and weak times of the day
Frustration due to inability to reconcile or mourning a lost relationship with no emotional closure
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Emotional shock at realization we have been in manipulative/abusive situations - often for decades
Feeling unwarranted embarrassment or shame for involvement
Self-directed anger. Blaming ourselves rather than blaming the abuser
Feeling “stupid” despite above-average intelligence
Damaged self esteem/robbed of our 'identity'/feeling 'soiled'
Developing negative attitudes where previous optimistic ones were normal
Self-imposed isolation (hibernating) – often lasing months
Alienation (from former friends and family)
Needing to talk about it (or not talk about it)
Difficulty talking about abuse because other people do not/will not believe us
Difficulty talking to friends/family because they know nothing about our abuser's disorders
Feeling isolation due to lack of support/validation/assistance even from people who may witness abuse ('winging it on our own')
Missing a healthy sexual aspect of the abusive relationship
Cannot stand being touched/aversion to certain people who remind us of abusers
Obsessive Thinking
Having 'in our head' mental conversations with abuser
Scared/fearful
Suicidal thoughts
Unrealistic need to help/cure/fix the abuser
Wanting to reconnect with abuser. Ineffable 'magnetic' attraction
Feeling a need to be in relationship with abusers regardless of abuse inflicted
Interruption of common-sense, logical thinking, suspension of sound judgement
Wanting to warn other people/expose the abuser ignoring possible harmful self consequences
Difficulty realizing the reality/nature/severity of the abuser's disorder(s) (malignant optimism)
Feeling that we may be 'crazy'
Confusion about recognizing abuse and manipulation
Knee-jerk rage reaction following witnessing abuse to our children - lack of awareness of consequences of such action
Depression ranging from mild to severe
Loss of motivation
Loss of sense of humour
Loss of our former 'selves'
Loss of joy/particpation in former enjoyed activities
Mental Confusion/Inability to Concentrate/Diminished mental acuity
Short-Term Memory Loss
Emotional Numbness
Feeling ‘frozen’ unable to act  (deer caught in the headlights feeling)
Experiencing temporary adjustment-reaction narcissistic/psychopathic traits in ourselves
STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases or fear of this)
Difficulty looking at self reflection in mirror
Loss of former interest in wanting to look good/pride/dressing up
Feeling like we’ll never have a love-relationship again
Panic and difficulty coping with multiple problems - everything starts going wrong
Imagining future as hopeless, fear of the unknown, despondency
Fear of having experienced the feeling of 'evil' in our presence
Despair/panic/resentment/betrayal over financial losses, lost years/time
Depression, coping with loss of businesses/careers/livelihood/financial support
Feelings of wanting justice/revenge/vengeance
Imagining hostile retaliation to abusers
Feeling bodily/mental 'dissociation' 'spaciness' - depersonalization/Feeling of 'body part' detachment
Unreal/surreal concept of relationship. Discovery of our previously unknown dependent/co-dependency traits and naive characteristics
Tendency to see narcissists/psychopaths in everyone around us (seeing them behind every bush)
Long emotional healing time
Discovery of having mentally-disordered parents influence in subsequent self esteem and relationship decisions and realization and catastrophic emotional pain of need to end relationships with many people, spouses, partners, parents, children and others due to recognition of abusive situation
Lack of positive medical results to explain physical symptoms
Lack of empathy or explanation from physicians/therapists
Accusations from professionals that we're 'imagining' things

Our members report that ending our contact with our abusers will result in improvement of these disorders. As we transform from being a target to a person taking control of our lives, spontaneous remissions can and have occurred, and overall health improvement increases, often dramatically.

Recommended Resources for Professional Therapists:
TITLE: Counseling Victims of Violence, BROWN, Sandra M.A.
http://www.msue.msu.edu/imp/moddp/dp120052.html

__________________________

Part II to follow ...

[Sallying Forth]

PART II: A time for letting go

Today, November 9, 2005:
I went to therapy today and told my t, "be ready to hear the same thing you've heard for the past several weeks. And be ready to hear it again and again because nothing has changed. My h is still sexually abusing me and as long as he does this I cannot heal. I cannot fully integrate and heal. I will be stuck in this position, on the cusp of change yet nothing is changing."

Then again I ask what a healthy sexual relationship is like for a marriage. And my t says, "in your situation it would be different because of the history of your abuse and your h's sexual abuse of you." He shares again (I've asked him several times already and know the truth.) and again I hear the truth. This time the truth pierces through every layer, every piece of armor I've ever put on, every wall I've ever erected, every lie I've ever told myself, and every wonderful story I've told myself about what is healthy. I am no longer in denial. The truth has pierced my soul and my being. I can no longer go back. I can no longer pretend. I know the truth.

The most painful truth is my t told me I have every right at this point in the relationship to end it. I have done everything I could possibly do to change myself and to support the changes in this relationship.
It is a time for letting go.

When one door closes another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
Alexander Graham Bell

I am no longer looking at that closing door. I don't have any regrets. I never did but the quote above says the rest for me. I've been looking at the closed door since July 6, 2005 and hoping it wasn't really closed. I am no longer in denial. As of today I know the truth. 
It is a time for letting go.

I had thought about going to couples counseling and left my session with that on my mind. However when I began to write this topic I came upon the above lists and know it is a time for letting go. And not a time for love.

Also my t told me that what I describe about my h's sexual behavior is highly narcissistic. My t doesn't believe my h is a N rather he is highly N traited in his sexual behavior. To me it feels predatory. I've said this over and over. Wrote it over and over. Yet only today did my t help me see his behavior is very N when it comes to sex. It is as if we have a Master/slave relationship. I do know what that is like because my bioNfather had that kind of relationship with me. He was a real leather Master. That is what my books are about but also about all my relationships being exactly like that.

From Lundy’s book Why Does He Do That? these are the sexual behaviors which my h displays:
Studies show that women whose partners abuse them sexually can have some of the greatest emotional difficulties, including depression, of any abused women.

1. IT’S FOR HIM.
    Sex is primarily about meeting his needs.
    He’s invested in my pleasure so he can see himself as a great lover.
    He rolls all of his emotional needs into one tremendous bundle, which he expects sex to be able to carry.
    Little real heart-to-heart connection.
2. SHE OWES HIM SEX.
    A woman gives up her right to decline sex once she becomes seriously involved with a man.
    Marriage is when her body is transferred to his ownership.
    He often says, “my wife uses sex to control me.”
    He believes I am keeping something of his away from him.
    He sees sexual rights to a woman as akin to mineral rights to land -- and he owns them.
3. SEX IS A WAY TO ESTABLISH POWER AND DOMINANCE.
    I have power over you because we have sex.
4. HE SEES HER AS A SEX OBJECT.
    A machine to be used for his sexual use.
    “It’s been years since I’ve had sex that really felt loving or voluntary. With him it seems more like he thinks he’s winning a war or something. It’s like an invasion. I hate it.”
    Dehumanization - sickening, horrible experience. Exploitative. Rough. Coercive.
5. MR. AMAZING.
    Profoundly self-involved.
    Engrossed in seeing himself as an awe-inspiring person.
    Charismatic and seductive.
    However engaged in a world by himself, engaged more with his fantasy than me.
    Possession is enthralling (capturing an interest as if by a spell).
    His fantasy: He can be the ultimate master and I can be his unquestioning and contented slave.
    He craves a sexual partner with no mind or will of her own.
    His ability to transport me sexually tied me to him. Then he had power over me in other non-sexual ways.
    Lovemaking became the only experience I had of loving attention from him.
6. THE ROLE OF PORNOGRAPHY.
    The woman is available and submissive.
    Again Master/slave.
    Reduced to a body, depersonalized.
    Models his sexual interests on stories or images.
7. SEX AND DOUBLE STANDARDS.
    Pressured me with the myth that men can suffer physical pain or damage if they become sexually aroused and are not satisfied. This is never to women though.
            I used to say to him, “oh goody can I watch it fall off!” I know, I’m bad. He was worse.
    I was expected to consent to sex any time he was in the mood.
8. SEX AND VULNERABILITY
    I shared my abuse history with my h and he turned around and called me frigid (even though I was far from that), needing a eunich, etc.
    Used my abuse history to discredit my current grievances. “That’s why you think I don’t treat you well, because you were abused before. It’s not me.”
    My vulnerabilities were thrown back in my face. He’s make jokes about what I shared. Intimate psychological cruelty in one of it’s worst forms.
9. SEXUAL ASSAULT IS VIOLENCE.
    An abuser who forces his partner to have any form of sexual relations against her will is physically battering her.
   Repeated studies have demonstrated  that men who embrace certain key myths about rape are more likely to carry out a sexual assault. The misconceptions include:
1. the belief that women find rape arousing,
2. that they provoke sexual assault with their style of dress or behavior,
3. and that rapists lose control of themselves. These myths are easy for many abusive men to accept, because they are consistent with the other characteristics of an abusive outlook on female partners. _{pp 189, pg 2}
My h believes all of these.[/color]

I found the following information online. The bold pertains to my relationship. Yes I’ve been raped on and off by my h for the last 17 years.

women who are raped by their husbands are likely to be raped many times-often 20 times or more before they are able to end the violence( Bergen, 1996 ; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985 ; Russell, 1990 ). Marital rape survivors not only experience a higher number of assaults, but research indicates that they are more likely than women raped by acquaintances to experience unwanted oral and anal intercourse ( Peacock, 1995 ). Husbands often rape their wives when they are asleep, or use coercion, verbal threats or violence ...
   
I have 3 songs which I've heard and kept the words in my journal. I will posts those words in two subsequent posts after this one. They really speak about what I've known for four months.
This is a time for letting go.

I wrote my first two lists as a way to take an inventory on reality. What happened. What he did. What he said. How it happened. How he did it. How he said it. It was my first step in coming out of denial about the ravages the abuse has had on my life. It was liberating as well. I cried a lot writing those lists. The same thing occurred when I read them again while putting this post together. However this time it was with the recognition that I need to desperately get off this emotional rollercoaster. I can not heal from my childhood sexual abuse and rape and torture and stay in this f&*$ed relationship. 

This is definitely a time for letting go.


I've got lots more to say about all this crap ... later on though.

[Marta as guest]

This is definitely a time for letting go.

SF, I second that. Brave of you to have made the at decision. Many hugs and best wishes on this new homecoming, Marta

[Sallying Forth]

This guy is a sucky singer but man oh man can he sing about pain and letting go. The words are so perfect for me right now.

Interestingly I found this song on July 7, 2004 almost 1 year before I knew things would not work out for my h and I. In my heart I knew ...

A TIME FOR LETTING GO
Michael Bolton
Title: A Time for Letting Go
Album: The One Thing

VERSE
Sometimes you find out what you wanted
Isn't really what you need
And the dream in all its promise
Was never meant to be
All your hopes and desperation
Won't make it like it was
And you believe the pain will never end
Believe me in time it does

CHORUS
You've gotta know when love is over
You've gotta learn to carry on
And with the world upon your shoulders
You walk away when hope is gone
When your golden road has reached the end
You find the strength to start again you know
There's a time for love a time for letting go

VERSE
When you're standin' tall tomorrow
Looking back at yesterday
Through the memory of your sorrow
How the dawn was so far away
You'll be far beyond the shadows
Where hearts can learn to shine
And you'll realize the endless night
Was only a moment in time

CHORUS
You've gotta know when love is over
You've gotta learn to carry on
And with the world upon your shoulders
You walk away when hope is gone
When your golden road has reached the end
You find the strength to start again, you know
There's a time for love a time for letting go

REFRAIN
The night is long, the night is cold
With nothing to believe in
Just hold on, 'cause life goes on
Your new day
 is waiting,
let go and let it begin

CHORUS
You've gotta know when love is over
You've gotta learn to carry on
And with the world upon your shoulders
You walk away when hope is gone
When your golden road has reached the end
You find the strength to start again you know
There's a time for love a time for letting go

You've gotta know when love is over
You've gotta learn to carry on

[Sallying Forth]

Discovered this song on the same date, July 7, 2004, one day after my 51st birthday.

IT'S ONLY MY HEART
Michael Bolton

VERSE
I've been down, I've been weak
And I've lost enough sleep over you
It's gonna take me some time
But I've made up my mind
I'll get through

VERSE
I'm gonna learn to carry on now
'Cause I'm determined to be strong now
Don't worry, don't worry
It's gonna be alright
Don't worry, don't worry
It's not the end of my life

CHORUS
It's only my heart, breakin' inside me
It's only love, that's all it is
I won't beg, I won't plead
Won't get down on my knees for you
It's only my heart, it's only my heart

REFRAIN
I'm not missing your touch
I don't hurt half as much as before
If I call you I swear
It don't mean that I care anymore
Just keep your love 'cause I don't need it
Wish I could make myself believe it
Don't worry, don't worry
Don't you be concerned
Don't worry, don't worry
It's not the end of my world

CHORUS
It's only my heart, breakin' inside me
It's only love, that's all it is
I won't beg, I won't plead
Won't get down on my knees for you
It's only my heart, it's only my heart

[Sallying Forth]

Discovered this song just after my mother's birthday and mother's day, May 20, 2004. Such wonderful memories. 

I was relating this to my bioNfather relationship and my h relationship and how much they are a like.    And obviously my Nmother is like them both!      

Vivian Green
Emotional Rollercoaster


VERSE 1:
Last night I cried, tossed and turned
Woke up with dry eyes
My mind was racin, feet were pacin
Lord help me please tell me what I have gotten into
Ran my three miles to clear my mind
It always helps me out
Its my therapy when I'm losin it which is usually when

CHORUS:
I'm on an emotional rollercoaster
Loving you ain't nothin healthy
Loving you was never good for me
 for me

But I can't get off, this (repeat)

VERSE 2:
Yesterday I told myself I was gonna be ok
Gonna start a new day truely happy
I was gonna take control of me
But eventually reality hit me
Mentally, physically, emotionally
And I opened my eyes and realized
That I was still bein taken for a constant ride
On your

CHORUS:
I'm on an emotional rollercoaster
Loving you ain't nothin healthy
Loving you was never good for me
 for me

But I can't get off, this (repeat)

BRIDGE:
I'm so tired of you makin love to me
Then disappearin so suddenly
Up and down it goes
And I'm so tired of you pasifyin me with
Promises you know that you'll never keep
Round and round it goes
I am on an

CHORUS:
I'm on an emotional rollercoaster
Loving you ain't nothin healthy
Loving you was never good for me
 for me

But I can't get off, this (repeat)

[bliz]

Hi Sally,
It is painful but somewhat encouraging to watch you go through the metamorphosis.  Do you have a plan for getting away from your husband?

[Chicken]

oh SF!
I am sorry to hear that you have been in such a marriage.  It most definately is abusive...  there's no doubt about that.  

Do you know why you are attracted to him?  Have you got to the bottom of it with your therapist?  He must be echoing how you feel about yourself on a deep level.  

Don't beat yourself up for staying so long with him.  I completely understand that aspect.  It is so very very difficult to walk away from someone who has such a hold over you.  There is a time for everything.  Sometimes you need to gather strength and pluck up enough courage to escape...  and you will, when the time is right.  On some level it is about escaping the perpetrator, but on other levels, it's about facing your self.  Both bring equal amounts of pain.  Sometimes we flit back and forth between the frying pan and the fire as both are just as painful.  

You must remind yourself that you have been depleted of that which enables you to escape.  He has drained you.  He has silenced you.  He has made you feel worthless.  He has made you feel like you aren't lovable etc etc, the list is endless, it's hard to move when you are laden with such negative images of yourself.  He has made you feel like this, and you have let him by staying with him.  This means that you must feel the same way about yourself, otherwise he would not be in your life.  This is the hardest thing to grasp in my opinion.  

I am glad you reached some awareness of your situation and you have come to terms with the fact that it's not going to change.  It's harder to see it when you're in it.  You are in a very tough, painful place but I know you will pull through.  

[Sallying Forth]

oh SF!
I am sorry to hear that you have been in such a marriage.  It most definately is abusive...  there's no doubt about that.

I've known it was abusive for years but the sexual abuse horribly binds you to a perp. My h went to his abuser group but never addressed the sexual abuse issues which are very N. As my t says highly N traits. The confusing part is he is not N fully but highly N traited.

Do you know why you are attracted to him?  Have you got to the bottom of it with your therapist?  He must be echoing how you feel about yourself on a deep level.

Oh gawd yes in every way, shape and form this is my Nmother, my Nfather, my Nbrother, and my bioNfather all rolled into one. When I hit the family stuff which always comes second to last in healing (last is sexuality and gender identity) I knew immediately why I was attracted to him. However my t was quick to point out that perps find their victim almost like radar. They zero in on the person's receptability to the perps taking over the person's life. Then they go in for the kill.

Of course my life fits perfectly with my h's abuse down to dotting the "i's" and crossing the "t's" so much so that it is SICK, SICK, SICK.

And then there is my bioNfather --- he was/is a real Master of sadism. He's the real McCoy. Don't know how to say it any more succinct than that. He knew how to torture, control, brainwash, abuse, find my weak spots, etc. A true Master -- icky Master. And that is my h all over. He is a true Master of sadistic torture himself. His focus was completely sexual but my bioNfather was through every conceivable avenue.

Until I got enough healing I could not even think of getting out of this marriage. I wasn't emotionally and mentally and physically and spiritually strong enough to make a decision. I am finally at that point.

It has been 20 years of which 17 were abusive. Repetitive rapes were part of this and yet I didn't know it was rape until I went on my state laws web site. Then I saw that coercion is considered rape. That blew me away. There was actually a name for it.

Don't beat yourself up for staying so long with him.  I completely understand that aspect.  It is so very very difficult to walk away from someone who has such a hold over you.

I don't at all. I realize this is Stockholm Syndrome to the max. There was nothing I could do until now. Now I have the fortitude to walk away.

I had a partial plan when I left my t's office today. I thought I would still try marriage counseling. However after reading Lundy's book again, he says the abuser must be completely abuse-free for TWO YEARS before[/b] you think of entering marriage or couples counseling with them. My h is NOT even abuse-free!!! So counseling of that type would be ludicrous. I am NOT waiting two years and placing my integration and complete healing on hold for HIM! I have placed my healing on hold for far too long. My healing has been comprised by my h's behavior throughout my entire healing journey.

A more sane plan has solidified last night after I got home. We do have two separate homes. I've been living in one while my h has lived in the other. We are about 90 miles apart. I would keep things that way for now. Fix this place up. Sell it, buy a lot in a less isolated area, and get a modular or mobile home for the lot. Maybe not even in this state where I live. Don't know yet. Certainly not where my Nparents and Nbrother live either. Although I have looked at other areas in another state where I lived for a short time.

There is a time for everything.  Sometimes you need to gather strength and pluck up enough courage to escape...  and you will, when the time is right.  On some level it is about escaping the perpetrator, but on other levels, it's about facing your self.  Both bring equal amounts of pain.  Sometimes we flit back and forth between the frying pan and the fire as both are just as painful.

That is precisely what I've had to do and many, many so-called friends have judged me and told me I should have left already. However they have not walked in my shoes. They weren't tortured as children like I was so they have no idea what I am going through on the inside.

You must remind yourself that you have been depleted of that which enables you to escape.  He has drained you.  He has silenced you.  He has made you feel worthless.  He has made you feel like you aren't lovable etc etc, the list is endless, it's hard to move when you are laden with such negative images of yourself.  He has made you feel like this, and you have let him by staying with him.  This means that you must feel the same way about yourself, otherwise he would not be in your life.  This is the hardest thing to grasp in my opinion.  

I am glad you reached some awareness of your situation and you have come to terms with the fact that it's not going to change.  It's harder to see it when you're in it.  You are in a very tough, painful place but I know you will pull through.  

Actually not because I am multiple and purposely hid my most wounded parts deep within me. I am no longer drained. I am no longer silent. I stood up to him. I am becoming the me I was meant to be. I am finding the blossoming flower -- me -- within my depths. I am not laden with negative images, thankfully. Unbeknowest to him I have been growing, getting stronger, becoming more of me everyday. The song which came to me today that speaks about where I am going and how I feel inside is Born Free from the movie of the same name.

For years I suffered from horrible self-esteem but no longer. Hard to explain but somehow God has protected my true self, my essence from the brunt of this abuse.

What helped me most is when my t said h is highly N traited in his sexual behavior. I always knew this in my knowner but couldn't figure it out. I understand now that you can be highly traited and not be N. My h doesn't fit N but a mixture of highly N-ish traits, ADHD and abuser behaviors. This makes for a very abusive and unsafe environment for a marriage. My marriage has been chaotic since we got married 20 years ago.

My last t appointment I said to my t, "I have 20, 30 or even 40 more years to live. I don't want to live that with someone like my h who is abusive. Even if I have to live alone it would be better." Besides I like myself now. I enjoy myself.

I guess my t expected this next step.

And he should expect the next one -- me preparing to separate completely.

Then the next, divorce.

[Sallying Forth]

Hi Sally,
It is painful but somewhat encouraging to watch you go through the metamorphosis.  Do you have a plan for getting away from your husband?

It is truly a metmorphosis! My plans are solidifying. I am learning what I wish to do with my life. I am planning short and long term goals.

We live separated right now, thank goodness. He visits every two weeks or so or less.

[Sallying Forth]

This is definitely a time for letting go.

SF, I second that. Brave of you to have made the at decision. Many hugs and best wishes on this new homecoming, Marta

Thank you Marta. I do feel like I am coming home to myself.
 

[Chicken]

Wow SF!

You are in a good place!  ...well it's a bad place, but you are in the runway of that bad place, preparing for take off, and that's the best place of the bad place!  Ha Ha!

I am a great believer in the time thing, let me try to explain what I mean by this.  Ok, you obviously had a lot of unresolved issues regarding your childhood, which is what attracted this horrible man in to your life.  You summoned him into your life to regurgitate all the stuff you experienced at the hands of his predessessors (your bioNfather et al) so you can sift through it some more, and try to make sense of it.  You stay with this man for however long it takes for you to see the situation more closely, to examine it, to re-programme yourself and to educate yourself some more.  I think it's very important to summon your perpetrators into your life, because you must face them, they are your Nparents in a different form.  Yes, you were miserable with him, yes you stayed with him while he abused you sexually and emotionally.  There was a part of you (which abandoned you) that lay before him and asked him to kick you while you were down, and he did, metaphorically speaking.  You endured so much pain at the hands of this man and stayed with it until you were through with it.  Why leave when it's still unresolved?  You are only going to meet someone just like him again!  I stayed with my abusive ex while I was seeing my counsellor, we talked about the abuse and the sexual violence, then after counselling I would go back into his arms and he would abuse me again.  I wasn't just staying with him and doing nothing, I was staying with him but growing stronger by the day.  I was educating myself about my need for someone so abusive in my life.  The key is working with it while it's happening.  Re-living it at it's fullest, but this time you are a bystander, and this time you have support.  When it was happening to you as a kid, you didn't know any different.  You have the adult self with you this time and you are showing yourself what abuse is.  I often experienced a kind of split personality effect during this time, I swung from horrified adult to "this-is-ok" child...  I never knew which one side of me was the real me.  It was to early to know then, as I was still in the throes of it.  Looking back now, I can see that it was the adult watching the child. 

You are busy doing the work that needs to be done, this is time consuming and essential.  You will grow out of it when the time is right.  You are heading towards it.  It's just a matter of time...

I am doing some serious amounts of rambling here, I hope I am making sense.  You are about to embark on an amazing freeing episode of your life SF, and I am so happy for you.  I'm sure you will have a tough path ahead of you, but you are worth it.

[Sallying Forth]

My t has recommended another t who specializes in sex addiction. It's obvious he believes as I do and have for a long time that my h is an addict.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya SF

I have been reading your posts and I feel really warm and happy.  Obviously not at the horrendous stuff in your past, but at your hope, at your strength and at your spirit.

You go and get your new life... the one your deserve and smile about having the hope and strength to do this.

Best wishes


H&H xx

[mum]

well, Sally... I am sure your post(s) resonate with many here, not just myself. Reading your various lists brought back some pretty awful stuff for me, and helped me to realize how very fortunate I am to have divorced my abuser long ago.
Soon, you will be the one looking WAY back to that, and already you are feeling how powerful and healing it is to leave this relationship.
I wish you continued strength and peace as you walk out of hell.
You will do this, and do it well. Congratulations.
Do you share children with this person? If so, I can let you in on somethings to avoid....  Continue to take care of yourself.