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I am scared I might be a "N"

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Nicole:
:cry:
I am 23 years old and well I come from a strong line of "N's". I have a lot of my father in me and I always was proud of that. I dont know what is personality and what is disorder. I am so sad because I am starting to see what my father had done to me. I always Idolized him. I really thought I had all my "stuff" together untill I started reading up of "N". What if I turn out like this!

I dont know what to think right now.
please help
nicole

Anonymous:
Hi Nicole,

Welcome to the board.  Just a few thoughts I thought I would pass along.  While I think you are brave to explore your childhood and who you are, I am wondering what prompted you to read about narcissism in the first place - and what sources you are relying on.  

For some of us when we know something is wrong inside of us, but we are not sure where it comes from, we tend to go looking for a diagnosis.  I would take more time before assuming that your dad (or you) is a narcissist.  Many of us have narcissistic traits but do not necessarily have a full blown personality disorder.  Furthermore, the fact that you are exploring the possibility that you are an "N" shows that you have a psychological awareness that most N's are not capable (or willing) of having. So even if you determine that your father has a personality disorder, or even displays some manipulative behaviors - you are not likely to carry them on to the same extreme.

I am not suggesting that you should ignore any feelings you have about the fact that you may have been victimized by narcissistic behavior.  In fact, I would encourage you to explore it more.  Begin educating yourself before you make any decisions though.  Read some well written, objective books about the subject. Then after spending some time learning more about this behavior, begin to pay more attention to feelings that arise when you are in the presence of your father.  You will know in time whether the things you have learned really apply to your situation.

My guess is that if your gut is telling you something is wrong with your picture of the past, it probably was... but it could be a number of things other than narcissism.

It is always disappointing when we reach that point in our lives when we realize our parents were not the figure of perfection that they led us to believe they were.  I know for me, this is when I truly became an adult - and let go of the fantasy that I had the perfect childhood - consider yourself lucky.. this didn't happen for me until I was about 28!  And after that, it took me another 6 years before I discovered that narcissism and borderline personality disorder were the "causes".

I will post some book titles from a previous thread here later that may be able to help you.  Good luck in your self- discovery. You might consider some counseling to explore the feelings that come up while you are doing some learning.  This will help you with know what to do with your new information, too.  And though it can be scary.. don't worry you are doing the right thing and it is a worthwhile quest!

CC:
That was me (guest = CC) above, I logged on but got booted out somehow.  The books thread I was referring to is too long to post here, but if you page back to the original post you will find a wealth of information  - Wed. September 24, entitled "Books that have helped you understand".  Most, or many anyway of them are available at your local library so you don't have to spend a fortune at the bookstore.  They can be found pretty cheap on Amazon too if you want to keep them to make your own notes.

Hope this helps, CC

Anonymous:
Nicole,

Everyone is narcissistic to some degree. It's part of human nature. When people are disordered is seen when they lack even a baseline of empathy and behave very, very selfishly toward other people. If you aren't doing that, you're probably okay. I don't know what leads you to think you are a narcissist, maybe you can see a therapist and get some clarification.

bunny

Guest:
Nicole,

I'm not diagnosing as a therapist of course, but just as a lay observer, you seem far too concerned about your own growth and about other people (not wanting to hurt them like N's do) to be an N.

A lot of times adult children of abuse can mimic some of the specific abusive behaviors, but this can be because it is what they have learned as a way of communication, and is very different from having the same actual full blown disorder.   as the parent.

It is a difference between a select few learned responses getting repeated, and a whole intricate & vast, predictable gamut of inner pathology being constantly generated by a primary narcissistic wound.

You/we all  can work at changing these "mere" (by comparison) learned tendancies and have great success at doing so.

Best wishes to you.

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