Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I am scared I might be a "N"
Acappella:
Hi Chris,
ditto CC and Nic AND culture too can be a supportive, enabling influence - can encourage a budding predisposition. No one exists in a vacum not even parents! I do not mean that as an excuse (i.e. an insufficient, unacceptable reason to justify behavior). I mean it as just another part of the puzzle, a path to track back and out, like an alcoholic noticing that there is encouragement for drinking, bars on every corner, media, advertising etc. and therefore be aware of the need to counterbalance those influences.
Being a parent young isn't an excuse AND it is a factor you were dealing with, an influence, a pressure.
my husband's mom is very giving AND has N tendancies - such as strongly favoring appearances over truth (based in part on coming from another country, being an outsider who felt both pressure and shame) and not accepting any feelings and/or behavior from her son that doesn't fit an image she needs to have of him and herself vicariously. I knew another mom with N tendancies that always described her 3 sons as 6 feet tall, none were. She gave and gave and demanded an image in return. She spoke of them in terms of objective socially approved accomplishments and failures and not in terms of their own individual unique strenths and weaknesses. Her husband had a whole other way of encouraging Nism. My husband was born with a very secret physical limitation that I believe combined with his parent's image focus and limited tolerance of truth/s along with his father leaving for 7 years when he was a preteen to foster a N "survival" strategy. He was also the only son in a culture where that is given automatic status. His family also accepted bulling as a means of expressing a need for space. Oh and he grew up in S. California. :D Doesn't mean I can nor will attempt to continue to try and share my life with him or that the pain is lessened enough to stay just because I believe I understand. AND I don't think those factors are excuses anymore than the nail that causes a flat tire is an excuse - it is a factor and a hint at what and how what was once broken can be fixed...in this case by the tire though. ah the metaphore just got a flat. :shock: The tire in my home isn't interested in the nail apparently and sometimes it seems to me he is yet just not at a rate or depth that makes our relationship tolerable.
I shared an affinity for appearance over substance with my N traited husband - how else could I have fallen for the image and not noticed and/or ignored the absence of a living breathing whole person?
P.S. congradulations on the pain...like in pinoccio becoming real can be uncomfortable but is far better than trying to be a wooden puppet dangling from the strings of an image.
Take (and give) care.
Acappella:
Hi Nicole,
You sound scared. Being scared and admitting it and reaching out as you've done here is a good sign you are not frozen in an image of emotionless perfection.
Do you feel any better, feel heard, reading all of these excellent posts? No one required you have it "all together" to care. And apparently you didn't require everyone have it "all together" to be worthy of your reaching out to and getting some value from the exchange. You certainly didn't quiz any of us about how "together" we are. :shock: :D
--- Quote --- I really thought I had all my "stuff" together
--- End quote ---
You are young...(don't ya hate it when people say that?). Sorry, and at 42 I know that as i heard someone else say well - the horizon is a line that changes as you approach it. I mean as soon as we get something "together" we are in a new place and gain a new horizon/perspective and with it new goals and areas to grow into. In my opinion, if you are lucky that never completely stops. Moreover you are blessed if you can learn to feel your life from the inside out rather than try to measure it or yourself by an objective impersonal and unemotional measure such as status and power or the perfection of having it "all together." Realizing our parents weren't the perfect omnipotent images we needed to have of them when we were children is one of the biggest steps in growing up and perhaps in giving ourselves a break too?
Take care.
Anonymous:
You've probably all seen these websites already, but in case you haven't, they may be useful to you. Good luck to all of us in our quest to overcome our own N traits, whether few or many...
"Ask a narcissist" web page:
http://frost.bbboy.net/healnpd-viewforum?forum=33
"Healing NPD" web page:
http://wave.prohosting.com/healnpd/
Tony Brown's own story as a "recovering NPD'er":
http://wave.prohosting.com/healnpd/darkness.html
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