I lived with my mother and stepfather until I was 13 (they were married when I was 7). I witnessed some horrifying physical abuse and busied myself with becoming a responsible adult by the time I was 6. (My mother actually allowed me to babysit my younger siblings by the age of 7). I moved to Texas with my father in 1983 and he took care of me until I was grown. Thankfully, the entire time that I lived with my mother, he would faithfully pick me up every weekend for a calming, normal weekend of being a kid. He always wanted me to live with him, but I wouldn't leave my mother because I felt guilty. Finally, I got the guts and left. He died in 1995 and I've suffered several serious bouts of depression ever since. He was the only person who ever took care of me.
My mother has always referred to my stepfather as "your dad", which has always grated on me, but I would usually let it go by without saying that it bothered me. Since my father's death, it seemed really disrespectful to my own father for me to call someone else "dad" or to have my mother refer to my stepfather as "dad". drove me crazy! I finally said something about it about a year ago - that it made me uncomfortable - she completed ignored me and I suspect actually referred to my stepfather as "your dad" even more frequently.
This year, I suffered a horrible depressive episode which landed me in outpatient care for about a month. I lost my job and considered suicide for several months. That was in April. I am now in therapy. About a week before Father's Day - which is a very painful day for me - my mother insisted that I remember to call "my dad" on Father's Day. I was horrified at the thought of going through it, but I agreed without saying a word. I was still in a severely depressed state and I stewed about it for the entire week, and of course, I caved and called him. Later, I decided to call my mother and tell her how I felt. I literally sat on the kitchen floor for about an hour - sweating and nauseated at the thought of confronting her. I called and explained that while I thought that Jim was a nice person and that I had no ill will towards him, it felt wrong for me to call him Dad and that it was particularly hard for me to discuss Father's Day with anyone - especially to have to treat someone as a father when mine is dead. I explained how uncomfortable all of it made me and how sad it made me to even have to THINK about Father's Day. She replyed with "Well, that's not fair, because you call your stepmother "Mom"." I explained that my stepmother has been around since I was 2 years old and that I grew up with her and that it was my choice. She replyed "Do whatever you want" and hung up on me. I was shaking and sweating so badly and I actually vomited. It took everything I had not to call her back and apologize for upsetting her. But I didn't.
That was 6 months ago and we haven't spoken to each other. I haven't felt strong enough and I knew that if I called her first, she'd go right on manipulating me. Today, I received an email from her (I almost died of shock). Here is what she wrote: jim = my stepfather, keith = my husband, david = my xhusband
i did not know how else to talk to you. you have not spoke to me since
your phone call. if this is really what you want then i guess that's the
way it will be. this is the last time i will write you. i am not writing
to apologize for anything. i still cannot believe that you have so
little love in you that you could not spare just a small piece for jim.
i also do not believe that your father would agree with your attitude.
jim and your dad never had an unkind word for one another the whole timehe was alive. i cannot believe that saying happy fathers day to someonewho has been in your life for 26 years can be that difficult. he does not ask for your undying love, presents, card, or anything else. how
would you like it if i told you, "i'm sorry i can't be nice to keith
because i liked david". (which is not true but the same attitude). david
is gone, keith is with you, (life goes on). you need to keep your
memories, but let the past go. jim keeps asking me if i have heard from
you, i keep telling him your just busy. i refuse to hurt him by telling
him that the (daughter) he thinks walks on water can't acknowledge him
(even as a step father) which he is. he has never tried to take your
dads place but he is still your (step father). if you can't find it in
your heart i will try to understand but if this ever gets back to jim i
will never forget. if you don't want to speak to me anymore that is your
choice not mine. all i ask is that you don't ever let jim know how you
feel about him. he has enough going on right now without that.
this was my response
i just wanted to let you know that i received your email. i am not prepared to respond to all of this yet, other than to say that none of it has to do with jim or even the last conversation you and i had...it has to do with YOU and ME. you want me to forsake any feelings that i have in order to accommodate YOU - even if it hurts ME. i have been in therapy to deal with everything and i'm making progress, but i'm not ready for all of this yet. if you want us to have a relationship, then i need you to give me some time and some space. sending me an email that says nothing but how loveless i am, or how guilty and ashamed i should feel, is NOT helping matters. after all this time, i can't believe that's all you would have to say to me. i'm trying my best to understand YOU, mother - i need you to try and do the same thing for ME. i feel like i've already gotten into too much with this email - i will be in touch when i feel like i am ready and when i feel like i can handle things constructively.
i am so stressed about all of this! i feel so guilty...she may not ever talk to me again. that would actually be a little bit of a relief, i'm embarrassed to say, but i want to get rid of the guilt. is she an N?
any insight would be greatly appreciated!! sorry so long.
