What is she thinking?

[Bewildered]

I am not certain that I am in the right place to get some information,but here goes.

I have been seeing a lady for six months who is of a similar age to me. We have both been married and divorced for some years. We got along quite well and even though there were a few things that bothered me we seemed to be *connected*. She came from a military background and married a police officer and had two children who are now in their twenties. She is independent and knows what she wants and goes after it.

She has said many times that she is attracted to the "strong confident type."

One day we were discussing our previous partners and she told me a few details of two previous relationships with her boyfriends after her marriage broke up.
Her first boyfriend's name was BJ and she made it clear to me that they had an intense sexual relationship until one day when she arrived at his house and he was just sitting on the sofa. She asked what was wrong and he said the he was really depressed.
She then said to me, "Well, I said to him, that he needed to snap out of it and I left the relationship because a depressed man is no good to me." She never saw him after that.
She said this as if leaving like that was a common and natural consequence of encountering a depressed partner.
When she told me this story I recall feeling strongly disturbed by the apparent harshness of her reaction .

Her next boyfriend was George who stayed with her for eight years .She told me that George was selfish and vain and always had to "be in the right." She described her contribution as compliant and accomodating. She then said that when she was fitted with orthodontist braces, he dumped her because he did not want to be seen at his birthday party with a woman with braces on her teeth. This story sounded implausible because it seemed impossible for her to spend eight years with one person before discovering that he was so shallow. She also mentioned that it took her ,"Five years before I fell in love with George." She said that if I ever asked George his take on the breakup he would say that ,"she wanted it all her own way."( I do know George casually)

About three weeks ago, my car broke down. The repair wiil run to about $1000- and this means that she would need to come pick me up rather that I drive to her house (We spend tuesday nights and saturday night together)
When I spoke to her just after my car stopped, I said that the situation made me feel,"Depressed and it had triggered a migraine".
I also knew that saying this may be a risk because of what happened with BJ, but I said it anyways.
Her attitude toward me changed soon after,She became cold and snappy and brittle and two weeks later called me to tell me that she had found someone else and we were done.
I am in shock. What is going on here.
I had a call yesterday from a mutual friend who said that she(my girlfriend) told him a few days ago,"I had no idea that he(me) got so depressed - that is no good to me!" My friend commented that she said this as if everyone else felt that same way about depressed people..

Should I try to go see her and unravel it or talk it out or is there some personality issue in her that is so judgemental and twisted that it makes reconciliation impossible?

Thanks for reading this ,
Bewildered.

[j_stice]

Hey Bewildered,

I am going to be brutual with you and say she sounds like the use and abuse type of person. The type of person who sees every relationship has a usefulness and useby date once the used by date has passed. So has the value of the person. I understand that you may have feeling for her but your problems is this: Do you really need to stay with her?

She sounds like she may be emotionally abusive or alternatively be sufferring from a narcisistic personailty (otherwise know as a N person here). It may be worthwhile arming spending some time to work out how you really feel about her and from then you need to work out what you believe the cost of staying with her is. If you don't and you allow things to drag on things may get emotionally and / or physically abusive. Take some time and space, utilise the people around you and make sure that you have a support network in place reagardless of your decision. So that way when you make a decision whatever the decision may be you won't have to be alone!

GOOD LUCK!

[mum]

Hi, Bewildered!  Let me answer: "what is she thinking?" by saying: it doesn't matter anymore. She could be thinking aliens are in her nostrils....that you are the devil......that she is Paris Hilton.....
Sad to say, but it just doesn't matter anymore.  or to be blunt...who cares what she thinks?

She dumped you rather rudely. She didn't bat an eyelash. Why? Doesn't matter. Because she did it, and did so in such a manner, it is now time for you to move on. It hurts, I am sure. But it is time for you to think about you.  And take care of you, and have some compassion for yourself.....and not spend your precious energy on this emotional vampire any longer.

[Bewildered]

Thanks guys- I am not really wanting a reconciliation so much as answers from the good people on the forum. I have rethought my wants and I would like someone who does not behave in such a callous manner.

Her actions and her conversations indicate a cruel heart and possibly some NPD traits( I have been reading a lot of other posts and NPD rings true here).

She never, ever complained to me about anything that I did which may have upset her or irritated her.She seemed to be a most even tempered,tolerant and accepting woman.I thought that she was so understanding. Not a whine nor a bitch session. She appeared to accept my friendship with other women and never objected to my stayng in touch with a couple of my old girlfriends as 'friends'. She always said that she does not get jealous -EVER (a  rare woman indeed?)

 There were a few times when she *snapped* at me over trivial things and at those times she yelled at me for three seconds and then reverted to Miss Sunshine and Light.

What does it all mean? 

I will get past this in a week or so but some insight would help the healing process .

Thanks, Bewildered.

[j_stice]

Hi Bewildered,

I agree with mum, it isn't important what she thinks. It sounds unstable and it may be worthwhile on looking on ways to move on but at the end of the day its your choice so be mindful of that you won't get the answers from anyone else.

Good luck

[Plucky]

I might be wrong but I think I have the answer.

She is thinking:

1.  I am perfect!  So I deserve perfection!  No mere mortal will drink from my cup!  Begone!
2.  If you are depressed, you might need something from me at some point.  That is not going to happen. Begone!
3.  How dare you be depressed?  You're with me!  The epitome of wonderfulness!  You obviously don't deserve it!  Begone!
4.  Depressed?   It might reflect on me!  Begone!
5. All of the the above.  Begone!

Plucky

[Chicken]

Hi Bewildered,

She sounds absolutely AWFUL!
I would hate to be with someone who isn't able to weather the storms with me.  I think you should have left her after she told you why she left that poor man sitting on his sofa in the throes of depression.
I imagine she makes her partners feel depressed.   I would be depressed if I was with someone like that.  Then she kicks them when they're down...  Yeuck!  It sounds like she has a "no nonsense" attitude to stuff like this- she is a machine, not a human being who is caring and who has compassion.  Never mind about her, why would YOU like to be with someone like this?

You had a lucky escape.   

[Brigid]

Welcome Bewildered,
I quite honestly think you are lucky that this relationship did not drag on any longer than it did.  This woman shows a very strong lack of empathy--a true sign of an n personality.  I married two of them and it is not a place you want to be.  I agree with mum--who cares what she is thinking, she is a predator who is looking for someone she can manipulate and control.  I don't think there is much more to it--be glad she is out of your life.

Brigid

[Sela]

Hello Bewildered:

Should I try to go see her and unravel it or talk it out or is there some personality issue in her that is so judgemental and twisted that it makes reconciliation impossible?

You will decide this......it sounds like you may have already decided but just in case you have a setback and start thinking about talking it out......

Maybe...ask yourself some questions first:

1.  Do you want to be with someone who is without empathy, judgemental, twisted, callus and cruel?

2.  Would you treat her the way she treated you, in the same situation?

3.  Do you want to be with someone who treats you the way you treat her?

4.  Is it herrrrr.......you're really interested in unravelling stuff with, or it is just hard to let go of the idea of being in a relationship with someone you thought was even tempered, tolerant, accepting, and understanding...but who isn't really like that?  (It's shocking isn't it? )

Welcome to the board!

Sela

[miss piggy]

Hello Bewildered,

I can relate to your name because when choosing friendships, I often am...bewildered.  I have discovered that (when I come out of my cocoon) I like to be around intelligent, funny conversationalists.  Preferably ones who make compassionate noises about underdogs.  My blindness is that I will assign all kinds of positive attributes to these people that are not in evidence, like generosity, kindness, compassion, etc.  The truth is they are intelligent and funny and hold a great conversation, period.  And sure enough, if I even think about making a "withdrawal" on the friendship by asking for a favor, the doors and windows get shuttered up in a nanosecond.  It can be rather startling from a person who provides enjoyable company.

People like this are emotionally unavailable.  They give sunshine on their own terms, at their convenience, on their timetable.  It seems completely contrary to your experience with the person up to that point.  Oh, and never mind the fact that you have done the person countless favors and figure it's your turn.  It's never your turn.  They cannot, cannot muster up any support for something that wasn't their idea or need. 

This is rather brutal to be dropped just because your car broke down and you used the D word.  Sheesh.  This is a blessing in  disguise!  Good for you for wanting to learn from your experience.   

Hope this helps.  MP

[Bewildered]

All of the replies so far have helped me enormously to understand what she is REALLY like when the fun times cease and adversity presents itself. Her behavior is probably the most accurate indicator of her true nature and her behavior is appalingly self-centered.
I agree that with MP. I also ascribe qualities to others without any evidence. These people DO spread sunshine on THEIR terms and do close the account when you try to make a withdrawal.

I am stiil sruggling with the loss of a fantasy rather that the loss of someone who was authentic. I guess that a lot of my ideas and beliefs about this woman were formed in the GOOD times when the fun flowed freely.

I am taking it a day at a time.

Bewildered.

[Bewildered]

More confusion !!!
My (ex) girlfriend showed up at a social function last night with her new guy.
He is ten years older that me and looks kind of lost. She looked at me several times ,winked and eventually came over and sat with me and draped her arm around my neck.(WTF!) She asked me if I would dance with her later. I replied that she looked quite busy with her new guy. She replied that he can't dance very well.
She then went on to tell me that he was just recently "Out of a long relationship and that he has a lot to learn." She also made a point of telling me that she thinks that,"He has the hots for me but I do not feel the same about him Not for me." She went on to tell me that they both like bush walking and traveling and so on. I just got up and went to the bathroom and then sat with another group. I never did dance with her -

Weird stuff! 

Bewildered once more !

[Hopalong]

Oh MY, Bewildered,
Here's a wee imaginative exercise.

What about if CLARITY was hiding under Mr. Bewildered's clothes?
Just for a private chuckle, run this scene:
Se drapes arm around Bewildered. Clarity immediately, politely but firmly, removes her arm from is person.
She goes, wanna dance with me? Clarity goes, No, I don't.
She goes blahblah..beginning to badmouth and belittle the new bf.
Clarity cuts her off: I'm sorry, I don't want to listen to you run him down. Excuse me, I'm off.
Best of luck.

Clarity exits (classy to the bone).

She begiins to develop a twitch in her eyelid.

Hopalong

[Bewildered]

Thanks Hoppie for that *lesson* in assertiveness. She sent me an email this morning which I am not going to open(delete instead) because I just don't want to have any connection with her ever again.
What was I thinking two days ago  -* Reconciliation  WTF, no way !!!*
She and her kind can go jump, and not on me.
I do feel sorry in advance for her new boyfriend .

This is a a salutory lesson in not acting on the significance of those red flags.Her treatment of BJ should have been enough for me to grasp that she is a hard hearted Hannah and I am going to suffer the same treatmentfrom her eventually (which I did)

(A little less) Bewildered.

[j_stice]

Hey Bewildered,

I just had a conversation with a friend who told me that the people like that need to boost their self-esteem by their use and abuse of control of others. She may try it again and again and continuously for a while so be prepared! Don't make the mistake I did and allow the behaviour to be acceptible! Draw a line in the sand and start preparing to move on! Glad to hear that your taking the chance you have!