Portia said:
When did you first start recording, how long did you do it for, did you have any kind of therapy/help before or
during? Please tell me, how long ago was the last one and what have you thought and felt since? Yeah it hurts real bad. I
know. It hurts and it hurts.
The first recording was on Nov. 4, the last recording was on Nov. 14. I feel much much MUCH better. It's all over, everything
is OK now. I've had no therapy except for what I've found on the internet, I've never even spoken to anyone in real life
about any of this. My own therapy was lots of exercise, taking in new ideas about how to be well and journaling. It still
hurts a little in my chest think about it, it's going away, though
Sela said:
"every day.....I screamed in my head.....the same words sometimes....over and over" and about how "good that felt to
just be angry and journal and excercise and the isolation and being alone".
It was the perfect therapy for me. Some people who know what they're talking about insist that it's impossible to go from
being a narcissist to anything else, and I was DEFINITELY a narcissist. I was reigned-in, held down and "managed" by people
who knew what they were doing from about age 16 to 22, however, and thank G-d, but I'm really not much of a narcissist
anymore. The "leaps of logic", the irrational fear and anxiety of people percieving me as something less than perfect, it's
gone now, and the cure was isolation and the development of a reasonable "emotional intelligence".
hadn't heard about the 5 cohersion tactics
It's this kind of stuff:
http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/wheel.htmhttp://www.batteredmen.com/duluwomn.htmhttp://www.nwrain.net/~refocus/coerchrt.html... and there are others out there who've tried to organize information about these coercive/abusive behaviors,
There doesn't seem to be a singular answer in understanding the how's and why's about these things, but when you peruse
through and try to extract the underlying concepts, it can be very helpful if you're dealing with an aggressive and/or
covertly abusive individual, it was very helpful to me, at least.
"I'm sick of thinking these thoughts...Do you mean presently?
Yes, I'm sick of having to think in these terms, I want to leave this behind - completely, and I will
....."I didn't do anything wrong"......but it wasn't the first breaking thought was it?
No, it was a loooong long process of starting to think "the right thoughts", healthy thoughts. All the self-help stuff out
there, the little philosophical and psychological gems, the little simple concepts that leaked into my head in the beginning
started my brain working again and motivated me to keep trying, because as I began learning about these things it became very
clear that I didn't know much of anything.
started to relate to the reality of others....and checked your own.......you became more mentally stable eh?
Well, I had severe social anxiety problems and was severely agoraphobic, and once I started to get into the basic psych
concepts, as time went by it became easier and easier to face what terrified me. A good example is just in finding words to
describe "what things are" - anxiety is fear of future pain, in a general sense, and understanding that concept and having
the words to carry with me was very helpful in dealing with anxiety when it would arise. I would think, "OK, I feel anxious
because I'm afraid of future pain. What pain am I expecting?" With me, it was fear of narcissistic injury, fear of being
insulted, made fun of, being perceived as something less-than-good, and as I went through these little phases of
understanding just the basic psych concepts I was able to go on to find ways to be brave enough to allow myself social
reality checks, and so to answer your question, yes, definitely. Once I was able to communicate, even in small ways, i was
able to get social reality checks. There was a long period of time, some 4 years, where I was too afraid to even walk into a
convenience store to buy something because of the anxiety. So, again, yes, in my experience, the social reality checks truly
were necessary to regain mental stability, as I became more able to socialize, even in small ways, I began to be able to
think more clearly.
"I've never actually really tried to help myself".
Bravo Richie!!! I'm so glad that came into your head. I don't know who to thank but I do thank God, the universe, the sun,
the moon, the stars, earth, wind, fire and water.......all the powers I can think of!! Because it seems like that was the
Thought that got you moving....working......to resolve the pain.
You're right
And the cruel words from the sibling.....and totally abandoned by your mother......your distinctly horrific
father!!!
They're all very smart, very nice and very very likeable. They're brilliant conversationalists, and brilliant b.s.'ers. They
seem like the nicest people in the world. It's one of the things that kept me from asking for help for a very long time. I
thought that no one would ever believe me because they seem like the most normal people on earth, and they've spent their
whole lives learning how to "get away with it".
spyralle said:
I've been sitting here listening to your recording wide eyed
So did I. Listening back put it into perspective, I don't know why.
Sallying Forth said:
These scenes were usually 2 hour sessions.
Did you ever see that one episode of M*A*S*H* where Hawkeye had insomnia because he had a repressed childhood memory of his
friend (who he looked up to and respected) who pushed Hawkeye out of a boat and almost killed him, and they called the
psychologist to come help Hawkeye, and the psychologist character explained something like, "it's even just the little
traumas in life that make you what you are"? Yeah. It isn't necessarily bad.
covert sexual abuse...He was sadistic
I'm sorry. I know about that too, but I won't talk about it in public. For me it wasn't that bad. Did you find a way to get
through it?
Acceptance is half the battle. The rest is taking back your life and living it to the fullest.
Thank you.
Steve said:
In the end of course it is all dependent on you to find your own exit.
In the last two weeks since I put this on the web some people have come to the rescue with some really good advice, and I
have several very good options now, you're right.
First, I do not think you are a narcissist. I sensed a great deal of empathy in your recordings and I think this would
preclude you from being such a beast. just because you have narcissistic tendencies does not make you a narcissist. You can
work through the traits and learn to live a "normal" life.
Although some psych-people out there would argue until they're blue in the face, you're correct again. I WAS DEFINITELY a
narcissist, but it's gone now - because of the isolation and the development of just the beginnings of the ability to think
critically about why people do what they do, such as learning to ask things like "what might this behavior be a manifestation
of?", and "what pattern does this fit into?". It is gone now.
even working at McDonalds is better
Nothing wrong with working at McDonalds. Lots of good folks work at McDonalds.
The final step is forgiveness
I don't see that in the near future, because I know that they did it on purpose. No one was easy on me, so I don't intend to
be easy on them.
You have to forgive them before you can move on.
I know that they do what they do because they're sick, that was actually very important to understand a long time ago, but I
don't think I need to forgive anything at all. They did it on purpose, and they need to be treated like narcissists. I'll
forgive them when I'm sure that they've gone through all of the necessary phases. Until then, I hope they suffer every
moment.
THANK YOU GUYS for your comments and your support. I welcome negative criticism as well. Tell me what I was wrong about, if
you know. I truly appreciate all of your opinions and ideas, THANK YOU to those of you who wrote me emails in private. There
are some really great people out here. One person noted two things that were helpful, by the way, things that weren't
mentioned in the recordings, but that are commonly found in the books on this subject.
1.) I am the demonized, under-valued child, and my sister is the idealized over-valued child in my family. Pointing that out
was very helpful, and
2.) Every "f-you" and "i love you" is interchangeable, both are "narcissistic supply" to my parents.
THANK YOU. It is all very helpful.
Also, TELL YOUR OWN STORY, FIND THE WORDS and PUT IT OUT THERE, you never know who it might help.
