Ongoing stickiness with counsellor...

[Chicken]

A very super duper quick post here as I am flying by the seat of my pants on the way out the door-

...and I realise that I have indeed posted something similar in the past so apologies for repeating anything, but it is still going on so here it goes:  I am thinking I want to take a break from counselling.  I feel like I don't need it at the moment.  I want to reclaim my life and my thoughts rather than having someone to think for me.  She doesn't tell me what to think but she doesn't encourage me to think for myself either. 

I don't really feel the need to talk any more in our appointments.  I find myself filling the time rather than it being of any benefit.  I find this board will suffice.  It's here when I need it, and it's free.  It encourages me to think for myself. 

I asked my therapist if I can see her every two weeks but she said that doesn't suit her as she gives people weekly slots at the same time and she wouldn't be able to fill my every-2nd-week slot.  She did reduce the fee to cover my financial worries.  It's still very expensive and I didn't mind paying that money when I needed it, but I want time out now to stand on my own two feet.  I feel like I have all I need now.

The thing is that i can't decide if I should end it or not.  If I go to her about it, we usually wind up deciding to continue as I feel like I am ending it because of some issue like I am running away from my problems, avoiding commitment, avoiding intimacy etc. rather than I really want to end it because I just do!- this is what keeps me in situations like bad relationships etc, because I am so easily swayed...   arrrrrrrgh!

The problem with me is that i am a very indecisive creature, some of you may have realised that about me by now!  How do I know when I need to leave or if it's just one of my issues?  How do I leave?  Should I leave when one minute I want to and the next minute I don't?

This is an issue of mine for sure, this horrible horrible indecisiveness.  I just do not know my own mind...

Can anyone relate or tell me which mind to pay attention to, because it keeps changing

An ever confusing,
Selkie

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Selkie hon

I don't know what the answer is because I feel this is something that you must decide for yourself.  Maybe ask yourself very honestly, ask that deep part of you, what you want to do?

I did pick up on this bit though...

If I go to her about it, we usually wind up deciding to continue as I feel like I am ending it because of some issue like I am running away from my problems, avoiding commitment, avoiding intimacy etc. rather than I really want to end it because I just do!

Previously you said about filling the time, and with this, I read that you may not be making the most of your time with her and maybe to use this time to confront things, confront why you feel you are running away and avoiding commitment.  Maybe you could write down a list of things that you'd like to deal with, including examples of times when you have done this and take that in to show your counsellor?

I.e:-

Avoiding commitment:-

I avoided commitment when....................


Avoiding intimacy:-

I avoided intimacy when..................

Also I feel that ending it because you just do, isn't really a valid reason.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but this is how I interpreted your post hon... I may be completely wrong about it.

Take care

H&H xx

[j_stice]

Hi Selkie,

I have to say that I have had an experience with a counsellor that I thought was a little unusual and found the person to be excessively confrontational and uncaring to my needs for personal development. What happened? Three years later I remember reading an article about him, his was accused of inappropriate contact with one female patient, this was resolved quietly, then another within a couple months but this time the person wasn't going to be silent. It went to the medical practitioner board and he was found guilty of hanving inappropriate contact (SEX) with a patient. It taught me to trust me instinct about clinicians.

My point if you are already going through trauma and are second guessing yourself, keep going with the therapy but explore other options. I am sure that there is a therapist out there that may be more suitable but DO NOT MOVE ON! Tell you therapist about what you are feeling and give them the chance to respond. Don't let them turn it around and make you feel bad about it. It shows honesty and may actually get the therapist to change their attitude and / or their approach.

There is nothing wrong with having a holiday from therapy because it may be helpful to you to apply some of what your working on but DON'T give it up! It is beneficial, the break can't be hurtful but make sure that you can still contact your therapist if needed.

All I can say is don't move on explore other therapist to find if something is more suitable but don't let this therapist make you give up on it in general!

[Marta]

Selkie,

As long as your T is not damaging, which does not seem to be the case so far, staying with her couldn't hurt too much, can it? Of course tehre are financial issues, but sounds like that is not the main concen. In your shoes, I'd make a decision to do something opposite of what I usually do, just to break the pattern, and see how far I can go with it. Let me guess.... In your case, it'd be like making a commitment to stay on with the T for a year? 

Love, Marta

[longtire]

Selkie,
I'll take the contrary position here.    You can choose to end *your* therapy or counseling at ANY TIME for for ANY REASON.  Good or bad.  Right or wrong.  Heck, you don't even need to have a reason.  It is your solely choice.  You can take a break, change therapists, quit, start, re-start, try different approaches or anything else you choose.

Specifically, if you want to see someone every two weeks and your therapist is unwilling to do that, then you can find another therapist who is.  Personally, I think the therapist's excuse that she can't see you every other week because she can't fill the slots is BS.  Is she really telling you that EVERYONE who sees her NEEDS to see her every week?  There is no one going to her who might benefit from seeing her every other week?  Come on, I don't buy that at all.  If your therapist told you the she thinks you would benefit from seeing her every week, that would be something to talk about.  Telling you that it is not convenient for her????  I see my therapist every other week.  She told me she thought I did not need to see her every week, and I agree.  My experience is that pulling back from therapy and seeing what comes up for you is a critical part of the therapy.  I don't see how to finish the work without it, when you are truly ready for that, of course.

Your therapist is offering you an all or nothing choice, and that is NOT the way life is.  There are so many in betweens and options that boiling things down to black and white thinking does not reflect well on her.  You seem to be pushing for a change in the situation to better suit you as you are becoming more aware of yourself and your wants and needs.  That is a great sign of your healing and growth!  Continuing the therapy this way because you are afraid you may make a mistake or wrong choice is a bad reason to continue in my opinion.  What would you do if you fully trusted your instincts, needs and desires?

[Hopalong]

I see my T every other week, and I have taken breaks as long as a year.
He is still there.
He is decent, smart, and patient.

I agree with Longtire (and much of what others said too).

You are a consumer of medical services. Even if you are seeing a T because of vulnerability, you are the consumer.

Her every-week demand is inflexible and not attending to your needs.
I think you should trust yourself.

Hopalong

[stayhuman]

I am a great believer in following your intuition. I feel that wanting to leave your counsellor because you 'just do' is a perfectly valid reason. I have not any experience with counsellors but this is just a general life approach.

If something inside you wants to leave, then why should you not? The world is full of counsellors that I am sure would be happy to see you if you decide you need it again.

Sometimes we just need a break, a breather, from something. Soundsto me like you need some space in your own head for awhile without the counsellor.

Go figure out in your head if it really was one of your issues that turned you away.

Thats just my opinion though, which is purely based on the impression that you are feeling uncomfortable and need to follow your intuition.

 

[write]

I don't believe any therapist should be projecting on you her own issues like filling time slots etc.

If you feel you've finished then take a break. You can always go back- and if you don't feel you can comfortably then you've outgrown her and you can see someone else.

Don't feel forced into a commitment you can't afford and don't currently need, trust yourself!

[mum]

Well, I will just add my voice to the din!!
You get to go to or not go to anyone you want at any time you want.  You don't need to explain or feel responsible for her time slots (what a crock of s....).  I have gone 6 months at a stretch not seeing my therapist, and then seen her once a week for months at a time... This controlling behavoir of your T (which is what this is) needs to be railed against!!  Start showing her what a good job she has done in your finding your power....AND DUMP HER!

[Solitaire]

She sounds much more concerned with her income and schedule than with your welfare.

[Sallying Forth]

You have made the decision already Selkie but you are questioning your decision. You find more validity and help from this forum than you do from therapy. You are encouraged to think for yourself here but not in therapy.

It sounds like this therapist is not a good match for you.

You don't sound indecisive rather you are trying to second guess yourself. Go with your initial decision.

This t sounds unhealthy to me. Her concern about filling time slots is manipulative.


Trust your feelings Selkie. Use the force.     You are on the right track for you.


Okay really bad. I am full of it these days.

[Chicken]

hello Gang!

I rang my counsellor and told her i would like to take a break.  I was feeling unbelieveably guilty about it for some absurd reason and felt like I was commiting a crime or something...  She was ok about it, but I could tell she was disagreeing with my decision.  At one point she became silent and because we were on the phone I felt like I needed to fill the space! -as you do! 

She said to me "It sounds like you are doubting your decision" to which I said "No, this is just an awkward situation, but I feel like I can take over by myself for a while and I could do with taking a break from it for financial reasons also" 

I didn't want this to be an issue, as I would have liked to think I could go back if I felt like I needed to in the future.  She said after that she may not have a slot for me in the future and I may have to go to someoen else if that was the case.  I said that is the chance I will have to take at this point.

I know she is thinking I am running away from some issue etc, though I feel like I am not.  I would have left earlier if that was the case.  I just felt like we have reached a point where I don't feel like there's anything to talk about anymore. 

I really needed her when I was having relationship problems.  I succeeded in dumping the "N" I was with and never looked back, i am feeling good and well educated on N's and my reasons for succumbing to them.  I would like to think I had support from her if I needed it if I found myself in a sticky situation with an N boyfriend again which I may well find myself in that situation again---I am just CRAP at detecting N's! 

...but I am not so sure I would feel so comfortable going back to her now.  I just feel like she is all or nothing, no flexibility.  I need flexibility.  My schedule/life is a bit hectic and I would stay with her forever if she would let me come and go as I please.  I am paying her for crying out loud!  Why does she need me to commit to her?  It's horrible, I feel like I am letting her down by not going religiously every week.

I feel relieved.

[Chicken]

I don't believe any therapist should be projecting on you her own issues like filling time slots etc.

If you feel you've finished then take a break. You can always go back- and if you don't feel you can comfortably then you've outgrown her and you can see someone else.

Don't feel forced into a commitment you can't afford and don't currently need, trust yourself!

Write, you are brilliant...  Thank you.

[spyralle]

(((((((((((((Selks)))))))))))))))))

I feel the same about you trusting yourself.  You know what is right for you and if it is not right to be out of therpay at this time you will come to know that also. 

I need to say though that as much as I feel it getting inside me therapy is my mainstay at the moment in order that I can look at me own strategies for living and compare them with what has happened.  remember though Selkie.  the therapist is there for you.  Yes they need boundaries but if you feel that you need it every other week there are other therapists who will honour that.  You do have a right to change therapists also you know.  I have been in and out of therapy for a few years now what with my training and everything.  I have had many different experiences and am well aware now that if I am not getting what I need i can move on.  I have sometimes run from therapy as well, but that's ok to because eventually your intuition will lead you to where you are supposed to be...

Trust in your own decisions...  You have made some excellent ones lately.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Spyralle x

[welxomeguest]

maybe she just wants you to stand up for yourself, and being difficult is her way of making it difficult.

So by leaving the therapy you have succeeded