Whistleblowing

[October]

Hey Anon,
Don't care what they think.  You are still caring about their opinion, knowing that they are hurting their children.  They are wrong about that, they are wrong about you.
On the other hand, why be ashamed of reporting them?  They ought to be ashamed, for being and doing what they are.  Maybe you should own up to your role and be proud.  Be proud!  You are trying to save some children!
Plucky

Since I am now receiving the full blame from these people, what difference does it make if I stay anonymous here?  So, it was me.  These people are my pysically abused as a child brother, now an adult, and his N(?) wife.  And their three boys.

The other players are my formerly physically abusive Nmother, and my turn and look the other way dad and yb.

Not a single emotionally healthy person in the whole family.

Apparently, my obrother is confused and hurt by this whole thing.  My sil is incandescent, and very bitter towards me.  Jointly, they have dumped all their poison on me, hidden behind passive aggression.  They know that if they do anything they will look wrong, whereas if they do nothing, but cut me out of everything, then they look like innocent but hurt.  Nobody will look beyond that to say, if there is no truth in this, why are you being so cruel to your sister and niece.

My brother sent an email saying he has been totally vindicated by social services.  It was not to me, but he copied me on it.  He said they had told him this verbally, but he was expecting a letter to the same effect.

If this is true, then the level of abuse which I and my daughter have seen is acceptable to the society in which we live.  I rang ss to discuss this, but they have not phoned me back. 

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry, October.
I can't imagine anything more painful and frustrating.
The light I do see in it is that you did the right thing, and perhaps what you have done will cause the family to be just a little more aware that their behavior might be scrutinized.
You have created an official record and that was a wise thing.

Maybe it won't deflect all blows to the children, but sometimes even a small lightening of the atmosphere, a small lessening in the intensity of the absuive behavior...gives hope to a child, or at least gives them mental space enough to stop flinching (or flinch less) and start imagining a different world.

Bless you for this brave struggle. I can only imagine how hard it is.

Hopalong

[October]

Thanks, Hopalong.

This afternoon I have set fire to all my boats.  I am already getting the blame, which is terrible if you do not deserve it.  So why not deserve it?  Having lost my brother, Sil and nephews, I only have my parents left to lose.  So do I choose to keep them happy, or to try to protect the boys again?

I am writing to the Director of Social Services, spelling out to him exactly what it is that they are vindicating, if that is what is happening.  I have also said that if a child who witnesses abuse is also a victim, then they need to speak to my daughter, and hear what she has to say.  She will not deny it, or tell lies.

If they want to allow this behaviour, then they need to know precisely what it is that they are allowing.  Then I have done all that I can do.

Watch this space for news of my parents & yb turning against me.  At some point, we each of us have to choose.  Which way will they choose to go?     

Many thanks to anyone who chooses to side with me, and with three innocent boys.

[Brigid]

October,
I will pray with all I have that your nephews are rescued from their tragic situation.  Be very proud of what you have done.  It cannot be easy for you to have your family all turn against you, but some day those boys will thank you--no matter what the outcome with SS.  What is more human or humane than defending the defenseless?  You have my upmost respect and admiration for the choice you have made.

Many blessings,

Brigid

[Plucky]

Hi October,
good for you!  I am proud of you and I am on your side.
Know that normally, as far as I know, if you are the very first person to report abuse, nothing much will be done.  A file will be started.  This is the first step.  (I have to admit that all I know about social services I learned from television.  Nonetheless,)  So that first step is an important one.  If anything more happens, it wil be looked at much more seriously.

You did pay a price for it.  But think of what you have saved those children.  They know that someone thinks that what they are going through is not normal.  It is a critical data point for their futures.  Do not regret it.  You have already done good.  Don't kill yourself over it now.  If you act too fanatical, it may reduce your credibility with the bureaucrats.  Sad but true.

Your family sounds like a doozie and I am not sure if I really regret that they are cutting you off.  I know it is painful but there is an upside.  And part of that upside is to your daughter.  She is seeing that you will not stand by and witness and condone abuse.  She is seeing that what is happening there is really abuse.   She is learning that when something is wrong, it is worth standing up and taking the heat.  You are doing your part to stop the cycle. 

Stay strong
Plucky

 

[Plucky]

PS 'totally vindicated' may not mean the same thing to you as it does to sick obrother.    Don't count your chickens before they hatch, or rather, I can't think of the right proverb.    Wait to see what happens.
Plucky

[miss piggy]

Hello October,

Big hug from me to you.

I have a similar story to share with you, but will PM you when I have more time.  Just wanted to ditto Plucky.  I think obrother is in spin control mode.  (Plucky: "darkest before the dawn" maybe?)

Try not to get caught up in "he said, she said".  Seeing is believing for outsiders.  I took a giant step backwards and let the neighbors get a real good look at my obrother's situation, since they were so d**n curious.  And the kids' teachers were ALL OVER the situation, much to my SIL's dismay. 

If social services cannot do anything, then I would leave it in fate's hands.  You've called them on it, you've taken your stand.  We can't always save people from their own particular journey.  I know it sounds lame but these people will suffer the consequences of their own actions somehow, if not through social services.  And your nephews will find their way through.  The ss visit alone is a big signal to them that something is amiss with the way their parents are treating them.  This situation may take more than one "angel of truth" to see any changes.  And remember, sometimes we can't always see the changes.  Your nephews may carry some new insight inside them. 

I hope this isn't too lame.  I really mean to be encouraging and offer hope even if it doesn't appear that anything changes.  You are a really brave person and your daughter is a very lucky girl. 
Hugs, MP

[October]

Hiya.  Thanks to all of you.  Having written that letter yesterday, today I could not bring myself to post it.  I am not brave enough, yet.

I am going to take the advice here, which is very good, and wait and see what happens next.  After all, the letter is ready now, and I can post it any time I need to.  Meanwhile, I lose nothing by seeing what actually follows from what has happened.

And Plucky is right.  Ob is trying to tell everyone that he has been vindicated, but I know that he has been cautioned, and told that if ever he hits and marks any of the boys in any way, he will be prosecuted.  The complete lack of confidentiality in the social services department worked to my advantage that time.  I am the only person in the family that knows that, because he is not sending that round in his emails.  So, discretion is the better part of valour.  I will wait.

Thanks all.

[Portia]

Hi October, I thought it was you. I remember about your brother beating his kids with tears in his eyes.

I guess your parents will both turn against you, if they have to take sides. They may not have to take sides though. My feeling is, from what you’ve described about them, that they will simply pretend it’s nothing to with them. And that if it was happening to them, they wouldn’t be able to cope. Haha, you know what I mean. Total separation from anything approaching reality on their part.

But presumably your brother beats his children because he was beaten by your father.

So your parents will have to deny to themselves that (1) beating is bad for kids and (2) your brother's actions have anything to with them.

On the other hand I guess they could judge him to the bad person here simply because he gets found out (and brings shame on the family by being found out?).

On another hand – yeah three hands now – they could suddenly get it and grieve their own lives and their treatment of their children.

What do you think will happen now?

You say you aren’t brave enough yet to post the letter. Is it being brave enough to lose your parents' love? Trying to work out a little what is going on here with you.

I’m still with you and will remain so. Protecting children is paramount. 

[October]

I think the problem with the letter is that if you read it it is very one sided - it talks about what happened before, when mum hit my brother, and it talks about what he does to his boys.

It does not talk about what a good dad he can be when he is not losing his temper.  But perhaps that is not relevant, in that even when he is being a good dad he is still controlling with his anger.

I am seeing my friend S tomorrow.  I will show him what I have written, and ask his advice about whether it is best to post it, or best to let things cool for a while.  The good thing is that there is likely to be no hitting going on for a while at my bs house.  The bad thing is that his temper is still there, and his anger will still be simmering away.

I wish the social worker had phoned me back, so that I knew where I stand.  Perhaps I will try again tomorrow to contact her.

Meanwhile, enough to sort out with d this week.  Also found out from Nmum yesterday that dad has had heart attack in the past, but she can't remember when.  She says she knew what it was, but did not call an ambulance, or take him to the GP.  She also says that although he went to hospital last week after being unwell, and was checked out with blood tests etc, and they said that one was not a heart attack, she knows better and thinks it was.  Very nasty N stuff all round.

Time enough for my bs family next week.   

[Plucky]

Hi October,
I think it is really relevant that your brother is a good dad when he is not hitting.  That is what you want to build on.  You'll get his ear much more if you start out with the good stuff.   It will seem like a task he can accomplish instead of an indictment of how bad he is.

So maybe your instinct not to send it was right.  Don't be hesitant to edit.

Plucky