more thoughts on email/ phone calls

[write]

another thing which I just realised- I am waiting for a business email- it makes me really anxious when someone doesn't return my calls/ messages in a timely way, except timely to me is often- immediately!
I think a lot of my emails to 2 romantic relationships originated from this anxiety, so I wrote a lot more than they did.
I didn't stop to think- this isn't equal.

[Hopalong]

Write, I relate to that too. I think one thing that appeals to me about email is that it is a way to have a voice.
You can send off an email and nobody can stop you (unless they block you, that is  Far as I know nobody ever has, but I wouldn't blame a few people from my past if they did). The anxiety I have (I hope that's a past that stays past) gotten caught up in over email feels symbolic of generalized voicelessness anxiety: am I heard? Seen? Valued?

And sometimes I look at it another way and think it's an internalized N-spot: IOW, aren't I ENTITLED to receive a fast reply? (No. How do I know what anybody's doing at their end?) Most of the time when I feel unbalanced about email, it's been in romantic relationships (read: Me interpreting someone's sexual interest or sweep-off-feet wooing or charm as romantic..).

In business it doesn't bother me so much, though I have become alarmed at the way it can be "used" as a negative paper trail if you don't handle it very carefully. A good friend of mine just got fired for this, and it wasn't fair, but it was the opportunity the organization had been waiting for. She sent an impolitic email out to one friend, who then forwarded it everywhere, and she got canned.

Thanks for adding to the anecdotes. Email is oddly isolating because you feel like you've reached someone when you actually haven't, or might have, or who knows. With the phone (before voicemail) in the ooooold days, if it rang and rang you had a fair guess, oh, they're not home. With email, it can play into "What if they're not responding right this instant because it's ME, and deep down inside I'm afraid they don't like me?"

Or it can for me, anyway.
Hope you got your answer by now!

Hopalong

[write]

Email is oddly isolating because you feel like you've reached someone when you actually haven't, or might have, or who knows

emotionally too- there's no way of knowing whether what you wrote touched a chord...and I can think of a few times when I've poured my heart out and received a two line nondescript reply!

[Hopalong]

Oy, me too.
I think when I was in my worst email phase it was as though I got completely naked, exposed, emoting like mad all over email and often the reason was (in hindsight) that the person had NOT been giving me real-world signals that my feelings were reciprocated. So I'd put on my writerhat and do a dance of eloquence...

Persuasive I ain't. I was just begging and didn't see it until much, much later.

Now I also pay close attention to length. I don't want it to get too long because then it's replacing real-world relating. I keep myself on a tight leash. Paragraph from them? About the same back.

And especially, vice versa. I check for tone, degree of personal revelation, and length, etc.--and even whether I'm writing more often than the other.

RECIPROCITY is a word I'm really aware of now. As a way to see if something is real, or I'm pretending to myself it's going where I'd like. Sounds like score-keeping but I find it's necessary, a way to impose healthier boundaries on myself when they haven't in the past come naturally.

Hopalong

[stayhuman]

Yes, Hopalong and Write, I relate so much to this!

I dont really feel the anxiety with official business-like emails as I guess they are not personal.  However, I feel like I have gotten into soooo many arguments over replying times/content with past relationships.

It used to send me absolutely round the bend if they did not reply within a few hours. At first I would think-ok, they are probably busy or what not. However, if say it got passed a certain amount of time I would start to think I was being ignored etc.

I would always think it was a good measure of what kind of person they were, by lookin at how good their technological communication was. But now I know that it is very very very silly.

With writing emails-it is difficult when you know for a fact that the person has gotten your email but just hasn't replied as you said and also if you pour your heart out to someone in an email and do not get a reply!

[Chicken]

another thing which I just realised- I am waiting for a business email- it makes me really anxious when someone doesn't return my calls/ messages in a timely way, except timely to me is often- immediately!
I think a lot of my emails to 2 romantic relationships originated from this anxiety, so I wrote a lot more than they did.
I didn't stop to think- this isn't equal.

Hiya Write,
Thanks for this post.  It's exactly where I am at today.  Timely for me is IMMEDIATELY also.  This is how I treat emails, phonecalls, texts or any form of communication (other than on this board) and I wish I was treated in the same fashion.  I think when you reach out to someone, and they don't respond, it can be really hurtful! 

-- You are extending yourself to someone and they don't even acknowledge you!  --

Because I am sensitive to this issue, I over compensate in this area.  If someone contacts me and I am unable to take their call, like if I am at work or something, I will text them back to say that i will call later as i am working.  If I am not in the headspace for a chat, I will let tell them I will call them later.  I find that I am surrounded by people who do not return the energy and it's hard to deal with!  I am of course referring to a few old friends.  It's like because we are old friends, they think it's ok to treat me like this.  I find new aquaintances and new people more available. 

But I had a little realisation about this today, and that is this: "I am better than them"  I know that sounds cocky but I am so used to putting my self beneath others and crying out for their mercy, when in actual fact, they should be doing the running.  I am a good friend and a good person, reliable, loyal, thoughtful and considerate.  I am not going to give myself so easily anymore to those who do not appreciate me. 

I guess I get caught up in what people will think.  Will people think I am fickle?  What if I loose those friendships and people will think I am dumping friends etc, they will think I am in the one who is messed up and dumping friends willy-nilly! 
I don't have to answer to anyone.  I know the truth and I need to start living by my rules.

Stayhuman said: With writing emails-it is difficult when you know for a fact that the person has gotten your email but just hasn't replied as you said and also if you pour your heart out to someone in an email and do not get a reply!

You see, this is where we are going wrong.  Stayhuman, you are like me in the sense that you opened yourself up to someone who doesn't reciprocate.  I have made a pact with myself not to do this.  It's too risky.  You are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Get to know who you can rely on first, then open up, and reciprocate it when they open up to you.  It's such a simple thing when you see it in print isn't it?  Easier said than done too as it can get lonely in that jungle out there, but for those times you get lonely?  Well, you're just going to have to rely on yourself and be happy with your truth.

I know this has been a ramble but I hope it echoes something in you all when it comes to flakes. 
What we need to remember is that we are better than them, so don't put yourself in their power.  Don't open yourself up emotionally to people who don't respond... 


Hopalong said: RECIPROCITY is a word I'm really aware of now. As a way to see if something is real, or I'm pretending to myself it's going where I'd like. Sounds like score-keeping but I find it's necessary, a way to impose healthier boundaries on myself when they haven't in the past come naturally.

Me too Hopalong.  You know it's not rocket science.  It's not a lot to ask for.  It's about energy, I imagine it as a little ball of energy that you throw at someone...  they may catch it, they may not bother.  If they do catch it, do they throw it back?  or do they keep that energy for themselves...  I want someone to trust, and someone to trust me to keep that ball going back and forth.  Again, it's not a lot to ask.