Another light bulb moment.... I think!?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya all

Apologies for all the recent postings... I think my brain is starting to go into overdrive!!

I was thinking back and for many years I had a scar below my right eye.... this was from, when I was about 2/3, either I pulled a pan or Mum dropped boiling water on me because I was under her feet.  The scar has faded now.  I'm not sure exactly what happened, but surely as the adult it was entirely her responsibility to look after me?  I was only 2/3 after all.

Does anyone know if we're able to get copies of our doctors notes?  Thinking about it, I'd really like to find out what mine say and see if they shed any light on it.

Many thanks

H&H xx

[Plucky]

Go ahead and find out.  You also might learn from another family member, if there is anyone who might know and tell the real story.
I think it's good when you unravel your memories - it means you feel that you are in a safe place.
Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thanks Plucky.... Unfortunately there isn't anyone else I can ask because my grandad died when I was 3 and my nan when I was 11, and there is no one else really I can ask.  The only person I can think of is possibly an aunty who is Mum's best friend so probably not the best person to ask.  I think I have to write off to the doctor's for my notes, so I'll give it a go over Christmas and see what happens.

[Xenia]

Its really important to put together the real story if you can.  I grew up with the fantasy "happy family" version and it was only when I was in my 30's that I discovered some of the real history behind my family (stuff my Nmother chose to tell me), of the madness and violence and why my mother always wore a chunky choker necklace - to cover up the scar where she'd cut her own throat, besides all sorts of other stuff. I am sure there is a lot that I will never discover, but the fuller a picture you get the better.  It helps to give you an explanation of why you are having the problems you are having and also place to move on from.

Good luck with putting together your history.

[Hopalong]

H & H,
Are you trying to find out if your mom accidentally tripped over you and dropped the boiling water on you, or if you were left unattended near the stove and got into the hot water yourself?

If it's the first, possibly it was truly an accident. Young mother not paying very good attention. If the second, still the same--young mother not paying very good attention.

I'm just wondering what new information this could give you, or even if the clear story would be recorded in the doctor's notes? Either way it would be her fault...but she may have tried to make it appear more random in describing it to the doctor?

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sounds to me like an external mark that stands for the hurt to that brave little girl.

Hopalong

[CeeMee]

H&H

You folks on this board never cease to amaze me.   If I were to tell you H&H that I was having almost the EXACT same thought in my head about a childhood injury, you probably wouldn't believe me.  This is incredible.  I have been trying to put the thought out of my head because I asked myself exactly what Hoppy asked: what purpose would the information serve me.  I've been grappling with the thought that just knowing the past could perhaps help me understand why I am the person I am today.  For sure, I don't want to know anything for the purpose of confronting my mother or blaming her.  I just feel I should know.

What got me thinking about this was a post some weeks ago by Tiff who spoke about "ferberizing" which is some Nazi approach to childrearing.  I wondered how would an infant know how she was treated as an infant unless there was an adult witness to testify about it later in life. 

Then I read your post.  I think that if you instinct is telling you to look in a particular direction then there is a reason.  I've learned on this board from many different folks that what lies in our subconscious is very important and has an impact on us.  When I do get back into therapy, this is an area I will be exploring.  In the meantime, it would be interesting to see what factual information there is out there.  You have a right to know H&H.

The thought of contacting the hospital crossed my mind but I thought that was so long ago, the records probably don't exist anymore.  I am going to give it a try H&H.  Let me know what you come up with and I'll keep you posted on my search. 

I have been very fortunate in that my children have never experienced the injuries that my siblings and I suffered as children.  But then I had the good sense (and the fortune to be alive when reproductive rights existed) not to have 6 kids back to back.

Ceemee

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya (((((((((((Plucky)))))))))))))) (((((((((((((Xenia)))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((Hoppy)))))))))))) (((((((((((((Ceemee))))))))))))

Thanks for your replies.

Hoppy... I know I'm not going to find out exactly what happened.  It's impossible to do that, but it could give me an insight into parts of my childhood.  Like with the above, how serious was it?  Did I even get taken to the doctor?  These are answers that I feel quite sure Mum wouldn't tell me, but it possibly shows on my notes.  I remember Mum saying that I screamed blue murder as she put it and I do wonder what she did expect.  Boiling water gets spilt on a 2/3 year old for whatever reason, and they aren't supposed to cry?


CM.... sometimes I think we have to try and piece together what we can, gathering information from where we can.  Like you say, I have no intention in confronting her, or blaming her... it would be nice to know.  My parents had separated/divorced by this time, so I guess we would have been living with my Nan.  I truly hope you manage to find some answers too, and I'd love to hear how you get on.

There is another reason for getting the doctor's notes... when I was 17 and had just left Mum's, I had a doctor's appointment that I had to go back for.  The doctor was our family doctor and had been for a good 10 years at this time.  I can't remember his exact words, but it was something along the lines of, "I won't pretend I didn't know what was happening, and it's good that you have left".  I remember feeling really surprised at the time.

There were also several times at Mum's where stuff would happen in front of the windows, and I remember thinking why doesn't anyone help me?  But given that this was in the late 80's, I presume that neighbours didn't want to get involved etc.  I really hope times have changed now.

Love H&H xx

[Healing&Hopeful]

More thinking as well....

My dad has a sister.  I met her at my granddad's funeral (when I was about 21/22) and we wrote to each other for a bit before it petered out... you know what it's like.

I've still got an address for her, but I don't know if she's moved.

I was wondering whether to write to her again... what do you think?  I could ask her what happened with her Mum (my Nan) as all bio dad said was that she went into hospital when he was a teenager... and what happened when granddad died... as bio dad said that he cut him out of his will.

I'm worried that it will bring up old trauma's for her though, or that she possibly doesn't want to go through old stuff again.  What do you think?  Is it worth writing to her?  How would any of you feel if you got a letter out of the blue from someone you barely knew, asking questions?  Do you think I should just let this go and not try and find out anything?  And then there's the possibility that she might have moved and would never get the letter.  What would you advise?  And what should I say to her in a letter?

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

H & H,
I really understand better why you're trying to get information, and how it could be liberating to know. I think of a phrase, "Reality is my friend." If we know what's real, then we know what to assimilate and can heal. Otherwise there's a vague kind of horror at times that can be even more damaging.

I bet if you wrote the aunt telling her that this information would be a very meaningful gift to you, and that it will help you continue on your course of forging a sounder life, she might be willing. And in helping you, she'd also have a chance for some closure. It could be uncomfortable but that's transient. Ultimately, people really are released from a kind of "toxic holding on" when dark places are brought up into the air and light.

You certainly would cause her no harm, and you'd give her the opportunity to care for you in a meaningful way. If she was once writing you, that suggests even more that she may welcome this chance to fill in some blanks for you.

Let us know how it goes, okay?
Hugs,
Hopalong

[Plucky]

Hi H&H,
I'm not sure I wiould bring up the subjext matter in a letter.  Could you write and make contact and then go visit?
Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya ((((((((((Hoppy))))))))))) (((((((((((Plucky)))))))))  ((((((((((Sela)))))))) and ((((((((((Ceemee))))))))))))

I don't have much time as we've got people coming round for breakfast shortly, so I'll try and condense this as much as I can.

I rang the doctor's and they said I was able to see my notes but only up to 1991/1992 (when I was 16).  If I want to see before that I have to make an appointment and sit with the doctor to go through them, or else pay £50 for copies of my notes.  I'm still thinking about what to do.... as I feel it's a waste of the doctor's time for him to sit with me while I read my notes when there are so many sick people needing the doctor's time.

I also had a look on the online phone book and there wasn't anyone with their name at the address I have, so I think they may have moved.

Regarding the letter to my mum post and if I should bring it up with her, I have decided not too.  She rang last night and left a message so I gave her a call back.  I told her that we have our friends coming for breakfast this morning because they are going to and staying with her parents tomorrow and spending Christmas with them.  She couldn't get off the phone quick enough (it was immediately after this, oh must go, speak to you Christmas Day), and I feel sure it's because she tells herself that everyone treats their daughter the same, so showing that this is not true, I think means she can't cope with it.  Like you said Sela, she is telling herself lies and I honestly don't believe I would get anywhere if I brought up my childhood with her.

I hope you all have a truly great Christmas and New Year.  Will be thinking of you all.

Best wishes

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

(((((((((H & H))))))))))))))
Merry Christmas to you too.
Sometimes I think "Merry" is too over-the-top, too much to ask!

But peaceful, happy, not melancholy.
I know in the way YOU mother, you are healing so much hurt.

Sending lots of love and gentle protection to the little girl in you.
(And shame on the doctor for not doing anything. He knew,
and didn't do a thing to help you. I'm so sorry.)

Hopalong

[Plucky]

I'm still thinking about what to do.... as I feel it's a waste of the doctor's time for him to sit with me while I read my notes when there are so many sick people needing the doctor's time.

Dear H&H,
Hello!!!!  You are a person needing the doctor's time also!  Is it the very same doctor?  Maybe he wants to see you and tell you something.    Don't think for one minute that you are not as deserving as others of his time, or of anything else.
And this could be a much better situation than trying to interpret a doctor's notes with no one to explain, or shed light.  This is important.  Do it.
Plucky