That feeling again!

[write]

Ex n-h was here last night, and I got that feeling again- you know the one, that there's going to be an outburst of some kind sometime soon.

The signs: he's uncomfortable, can't sit still, critical, if people are laughing there's this moment almost of agony on his face like he can't bear it then he covers it up with sarcasm etc.
It always goes the same way, he's miserable then he'll transfer it to me, I'm the one suddenly having problems/ getting sick/ being unreasonable. He'll take a parental role: 'have you been drinking?' 'You need to take some medication'; 'You don't look right...' etc. If I stay calm and seem happy it won't be long before he erupts in a temper tantrum.

I thought I'd post it and report back in a day or two, see if I'm right.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Ahhhh, the walking on eggshells feeling!

Is it possible you can avoid your x nh?

[Cadbury]

My God... I didn't even know that was part of all this! I had never even put a name to that feeling before... My exN does that all the time. "Are you okay?" .... "you look ill".... "Are you eating properly?"...If I say I am then he replies with"Well, you wouldn't tell me anyway". As if he knows best...

I know exactly how you are feeling Write... I really feel for you. I hope you get over this (awful) feeling soon. I wanted you to know you're not alone.... take care.

[write]

Yes, it's great to be told 'are you feeling ok?' with that head on one side look...and especially when things do take a downturn: 'I thought so...' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh

well, I'm more detached now, and resigned to how he is.
I know he loves me in his own capacity for love, and probably feels he does 'know best'.

But he doesn't! I KNOW BEST!

The sad thing about it is- I really would appreciate someone caring about and for me sometimes, especially when I am sick, but without there being any other motives, or power issues, or me having to constantly reinforce boundaries.
( does anyone ever altruistically care long-term like this without control issues?)

When I was the most sick he was the kindest most loving I've ever known him, and maybe if I were dying or something we'd have a great marriage, or at least a marriage which would show him in a great light....

Which is what he saw growing up, his parents' marriage was apparently an idyll ruined by his mother's slow tragic death from cancers, with both parents being unavailable emotionally for their children ( first through their love affair, then work, then sickness etc ) and eventually withdrawing physically- the mother to die, the father to go make an immediate new life for himself.

***

Have I correctly predicted the outburst though?
He looked much happier tonight, I'd seen my doctor who says I have slight elevated mania ( not unusual or out-of-control for me, not bad actually given how busy performingI've been this past few weeks )
Maybe that's enough to stave it off, he's already planning to 'take over more of the childcare'...

[Cadbury]

Whether you have predicted the outburst or not is anyone's guess... you know how they can be. If it helps, I would guess the same, but what do I know?!!

When I was ill last year, before we broke up, my ex N came over to cook me dinner. I had severe tonsilitis and couldn't even swallow water very easily. HE sat beside me, practically force-feeding me this dinner and when I refused more than one mouthful he sulked and went home again. "Why should I do anything for you if you don't appreciate it?" ... NUT!!! I can smile now, but he still gets to me sometimes....

You seem to be doing fine so keep strong and I hope the outburst (if it comes) is not too bad. Think how much you have survived before... ((((hugs))))