hi there, for years i have struggled to understand my mums thinking. she has been able to cast people aside like garbage if they have ever disagreed with her or been a threat. my mum could be very shockingly nasty about people, and anyone who tried to get close to me she would impress on me how they were not good for me, including my husband. 2 years ago she cut me and one of my sisters off and has refused to speak to us or have anything to do with her grandchildren, all six of them.
she has never been able to see anyone elses point of view, in public she was one person, everyone thinks shes a wonderful, kind person who puts herself out for her family. at times i would stand gobsmacked at the lies she would tell to make people think she was better than she was. public humiliation for me was one of her favorate things to do,putting me down but only a joke of course. my mum either likes to be adored or feared. she would put this front up to people "cross me and you will pay" and people respect her.
i cant explain how she messed with my head. i was certain she was being unfairly critical of me, or spoiling "the choosen daughter" if i spoke my mind it was to my detriment, she would cut me off and i would always have to appologise even when i knew i was right. 2 years ago i wouldnt, 2 years ago i fought back having the biggest row. now i know for her i had crossed the line, and there is no going back. my husband went to see her and she "ate him for breakfast" hubby said her eyes were black and dead, she looked evil and spat poisen about me. i had one phone call from her when, in an attempt to get her to listen to me, i threatened to tell all to all. she rang, she told me then she was ashamed of me and never wanted to see me again. that was that, and my crime? i was not a mini her she could control, i was independant and lead my own life. for that crime, she rejected me and my sister.
i found out the other day, through getting my doctors notes, my mother had a difficult time with me as a child. i used to have temper tantrums and lash out at people, i had a brainscan at 5 yrs old. i rememebered having this scan but my mother would never tell me why. she said she forgot. i found in the notes, th doctors reported that they were concerned at her attitude towards me, the rejection and the serious lack of a bond. a social worker was involved. i never knew that, and i have just found out no-one else did either. it makes sense really, telling people she couldnt cope, even back then would have been impossible for her. how could she make out she was perfect, a perfect mother who coped though the odds.
i have another sister, my mums golden girl who lives over the road from my mum, the exact same house with the exact same conservatory built. my sister is a carbon copy of my mum. of course my mum would love that, and now i know why, it all makes perfect sense. my sister never showed me or my other sister any loyalty when our mother turned her back on us. i think now, my mum is a n and my sister is also, they get on well because they both feed off each other. my dad is a weak simple person who just goes along with my mum for a quiet life, he always has done.
understanding "n" is beginning to help me. but i am so angry at my mother, i am still always protesting my innocence that is never heard. how do you get a "n" mother out of your head??
