Hello H,
This really hit a cord with me. I have always felt it difficult to find friends too, since I became a teen, in fact. I too knew I was being overly picky, and too judgmental of people. I am not very proactive either, so rather than picking them, over the years, I have let my friends pick me... The results can be disastrous. I think I typically ended up with assertive, bossy types as a result.
Anyway, I wanted to give you some hope and share with you how I've dealt with this. Here's what I did. You may laugh because it is a little humorous: The self pity I had for not having any friends enveloped me to the point I could hardly stand it, anymore, so I decided to do something--anything. I knew that walking around looking for those with "my friend" taped clearly on their foreheads, was a fruitless endeavor. It always seemed forced when I tried to approach people, too and "ask" for their friendship. So I did the following instead: I started just simply noticing people who I interacted with in some way everyday. No one special: I mean, I chose the clerks at the stores I shopped at (it's helpful to shop everyday for your dinner for that night, to get yourself out of the house when you're feeling expecially lonely--pick a store that isn't very busy or shop during off peak hours), the guy who pumps the gas at the gas station, the neighbor who always seems to be out trimming her gladiolas... A guy who walks his dog in front of my house everyday, and the young woman who lived below me in our apartment complex who I saw coming and going quite regularly--and I just started thinking of them as "my friend." They, of course, never knew I was doing this. I tried accepted them just the way they were, without passing judgment. I observed how they moved throughout my day like a constant fixture. It was very comforting. When Mary (the girl who lived downstairs, for example) came home, I'd say to myself: here comes Mary. And I'd think, "it's so nice to see she made it home safely." Eventually, noticing these people in my life became so familiar to me that I accepted every one of them--just the way they were. Even with all their quirks and idosyncrisies. Before then, I wouldn't have thought of thinking of any of these people as "my friend." Then one day I surprised myself by talking to them out of nowhere, I found a voice--a small voice, and it was only insignificant small talk. You know "Hi, I notice you have a flat tire (neighbor)." Or "Hi, good to see you again" (clerk at the store). I smiled at the gas station attendent. It's strange but if you develop warm feelings for others in your life, they reciprocate it. No, I didn't become "best friends" with these people, but I did think of them warmly when I saw them, and they returned the feelings, I thought. It is a feeling of peace knowing you are connected to others, as the world moves around you.
Now I have several people I consider true "friends." I carefully remember that no matter how many traits I find unfamiliar or "not like me" with them I can point out in my mind about them, they're just trying to survive, just like me. I do not demand that they become my friend, on the contrary, I don't even admit they are my friends (to them). I just simply treat them like they are--I say, "Hi, how are you?" I smile when I see them. I give them a nod of approval every once in a awhile. Sometimes a conversation develops and we talk for awhile...
In other words, I think victims of N. think that there is always some underlying motivation for developing friendships and that is why it is so hard to have "normal" friendships with people. We get mad that they are too superficial, or not developing quickly enough, or we're giving more, etc. This constant taking of the temperature of the friendship is sure to kill it! In other words, to know peace, I had to have No expectations. It was weird how many friendships sprung up after that. I may not feel really close to anyone, but I do not feel the loneliness I felt before.
