I'm confused...need some opinions

[Avery]

Hi, everyone...hope everyone survived the holidays relatively pain-free.  (Whew!  Glad those are over!)  I have started therapy recently and my therapist asked me to list things that really bug me about myself.  (i can't let things go, feel guilty constantly, impatient, control freak, worry-wart etc.)  She told me that these are typical responses from children of alchoholics and asked me if anyone in my family drank.  My father drank almost every day (beers after work), but I rarely remember noticing that he had been drinking or acting weird.  I think my therapist thinks he was an alcoholic (he died nearly 10 years ago).  I definitely think he drank too much, but I never considered him to have a problem with it (never missed a day of work, never got violent or mean etc.).  I'm not sure if my therapist is right and I'm just in denial or what.  At any rate, while being far from perfect, he was the only stable figure in my life growing up.  

I'll get to the point now!  (Sheesh, I CAN ramble!)   Anyway, my therapist gave me a book to read "Adult Children of Alcoholics" to discover why I react to things the way I do.  The weird thing is that most of the things in the book I really connect more with my mother who never drank at all!  (I'm pretty sure she's an N).  Here's some points from the book:

Adult Children of Alcoholics:

guess at what normal behavior is.
have difficulty finishing things.
lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
judge themselves without mercy.
have difficulty having fun.
take themselves very seriously.
have difficulty with intimate relationships.
over-react to changes over which they have no control.
constantly seek approval and affirmation.
feel they are different from other people.
are super responsible or super irresponsible.
are extremely loyal, even if loyalty is undeserved.
are impulsive.

While a lot of these are true for me, I don't identify them with my father.  Are the symptoms of being the child of an N similar to these?  javascript:emoticon(':?')I wanted to see if I'm way off base before bringing it up with my therapist tomorrow.

Thanks so much for your help!  Y'all are wonderful!

Avery


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[Anonymous]

Avery,

Your therapist probably should not have labeled your father an alcoholic so quickly. Maybe he was an alcoholic, but it is usually a bit "dicey" to label a client's parents like that. Anyway, yes, bring her the list and tell her it's about your mom.

[CC]

Hi Avery,

interestingly, I read this book too, and my mother is an N as well as a "recovered" alchoholic.  She was a binge drinker and was not actively drinking when I was growing up.  However, that list of behaviors definitely applies to me as a child of a narcissist.  I think there is a fine line...

[Avery]

Thanks for your quick replies!  You all seem so knowledgeable about all of this...I have such a long way to go!  You bring me so much hope that I can get over this hump and be on my way to NORMAL, if there is such a thing.  I'm so glad I found this site and all of you!!!!!  Keep 'em coming...I appreciate all of your thoughts!

 


avery

[Amy]

Hey.  I spent years in support groups for adult children of alcoholics because what I read indicated that my father was an alcoholic, even though he didn't get drunk all that often (mostly family weddings, funerals, etc.).  I couldn't find anything else that seemed to match - until I came across books on narcissism - and this is definitely it!!!  I really wish I had found out sooner because I never really FIT into those groups.  Now I've found out that most of my friends have at least one narcissistic parent - imagine...  I am so happy that it has a name - other than "crazy," which was never really enough!

[Anonymous]

http://www.lcmedia.com/mind290.htm

The first 40 mins are the best

[Anonymous]

Is that audio link is broken?

[Alan]

I just checked it and it was working fine.

[seeker]

Hi Avery,

I winced when I read that your therapist labelled your dad.  I think labels can be useful AFTER much discussion about the behaviors that trouble us...after all, it is the behavior and not what we call it that really matters.  I tend to get confused between codependency, ACOA, so-called "dry" alcoholics, etc.  The crazymaker in my life doesn't drink but she sure acts like a textbook problem alcoholic.  It turns out she is a narcissist.  She disguised it pretty well for a long time...

Anyway, you might want to share how you feel when you are alone with your mother and also how you feel when you are alone with your dad to help sort out what goes on within your family, with your therapist.  Your mother may have some controlling behavior in response to the presence of drinking (trying to keep this separate from your dad here...)  

Well, just some things to think about...hope it helps.  Don't be surprised if this is all a bit mind-bending at first.  Good luck with your journey.  S.