My letter to Mum.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Dear Mum

This is the weirdest letter I've ever written and one that you will never see.  I cannot send this letter because this is my reality and possibly something you are completely unaware of, even if you were to read this.

Now I find it amazing to love and hate someone at the same time, but throughout my childhood I managed it with you.  I am beginning to see that all the anger you dealt me, the physical blows, the hair pulling, the name calling, the controlling until I was a prisoner in my own room, was not my responsibility.  It was yours, and totally yours and I give you this back.  As my Mum, I can see now that all you were supposed to do was love and nurture me, giving me the strength to grow and evolve as a person.  Instead you beat it out of me and left me terrified of you.  The rememberance of that fear shall live with me every day, however surprisingly I have grown to appreciate love and kindness, and I accept it when it is offered to me.

I grew up feeling like I was looking in at you all.  You, dad and N all seemed to gel, you all got on and you all seemed quite happy.  Me, I was this thing, this horrible object from your previous relationship... not good enough to be part of your new family.  Because your family had died, and bio dad had alienated his family, we only ever saw my Stepdad's family.  For me, when you did choose to have me in the room with them, I felt these invisible lines, joining you all up.  You were all blood related to each other, however I just had one thread, attached to you on the outside of the group, the outside of the family.  Now since you don't see his sister, and now Nan has died, I don't feel this as much.  Plus when you completed rejected me and ensured I didn't have a place in your house, I knew I had to go it alone.  In a bizarre kind of way, this has been my saviour and allowed me to become the person I am today, the person that you seem to be proud of.  I still don't understand why you are proud of me... because you were such a good parent and brought me up so well.  I am so sorry to say this isn't the case.  I don't think the fear of you will ever totally leave me and be forgotten.

Now you wonder why N doesn't have the confidence to leave, why he doesn't have friends etc.... and it's down to you too.  At least, as far as I know, he never received your anger like I did.  He was always the favoured child by you, possibly because he didn't try to speak up.  One day he will either speak up, or you will die.  He's young so I sincerely hope its the former and he doesn't go through life feeling like he's wasted it, or choose a partner who will do everything for him like you do.

You live in your closed little world, that is up to you.  I'm lucky, I escaped and with the help of friends, I not only survived but I suppose I found who I was and I know I'm a good person.  I'm not perfect by any means, but I know I didn't deserve your anger.  I didn't deserve my parents.

Maybe one day you will understand what it was like for me, maybe one day you think back to how you treated me and maybe one day you will apologise to me, but I'm not counting my chickens.

I'm alive!

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

H & H,
That is a stunning, beautiful letter that brought me tears.
You SO did not deserve that...and you have SO risen above it.

She is growing older and soon she won't be able to inspire the fear.

I wonder if one day you tried literally saying, in the present moment, the shocking realities out loud. Such as, "Mom, I feel so tense around you because I keep remembering you hitting me. In my mind I see your arm coming and I still have a jolt of fear."

Just saying things like that. Without yelling or anything...
I wonder what that would do? If she wants healing, it might give her the opportunity to one day surprise you and apologize.

I am not advising it because I really don't know if it's a good idea. I just imagined the exercise of you saying that. Without hatred, just calmly. Because it is the truth.

But if your instincts tell you it's best left unspoken, as the letter is best left unsent, trust them.

There is SO much love for you, H&H...you're blooming under it.
That fear will leave you as your confidence grows to match your gratitude, your amazing gratitude.

You are spectacular.
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((Hoppy)))))))))  Thanks for your truly lovely post.

I'm not sure if I'll ever raise it with her.  I have been wondering whether to ask her to come with me for a coffee, just me and her, and ask her what she remembers of my childhood, but then I think that it's best left in the past... that I'm ok and to leave it there.

The sad thing about this, is that if she tried to do any of it again (not that she would because I don't see her for long enough, and there are always other people around), there is a real probability I would return to that frightened child.

[Sela]

Hi (((((H&H))))):

So sorry for all the pain of your childhood and for the hurt of your mother's lack of taking account.

I think this is one of the most frustrating parts of surviving abuse (for me)......the coming to terms with my abuser's pretending none of it happened....the magical disappearance of reality.  It's so darn convenient eh?

What helps me is deciding that it is very unlikely that my abuser(s) will ever take responsibility for their behaivour......they will probably never admit doing anything wrong......or admit harming anyone.  They will probably not face up to the past or feeeeeeeeel any remorse...true remorse....for thier actions because....
in their heads....they didn't do anything to feel remorse about.  There will not likely be owing up to hurtful actions or words......no apologies for anything.....no attempts to make up for damage done....no taking the blame for anything or shouldering the  responsibility.   There won't be any change in behaviour or words or attempts to change because in their brains it's.......why fix what ain't broke?  Nothing wrong with their words or actions eh?   
And it's unlikely that my abusers will ever come to the realization that there is or ever was anything wrong with the way they behaved or with what they said.  It's just won't probably happen.

And although this is almost another loss to grieve......that not only must I withstand abuse but that there will not likely ever be any attempt at restitution nor even taking on even a little fault......deciding to believe this helps me take responsibility for my own emotional welfare.  Since I don't believe my abusers will ever take an interest in or attempt to offer any type of healing words or behaviour......it helps me to decide I will have to look after me......myself.  It's not fair.  It's not anywhere near fair.  But it does seem like what is likely to not happen and like what must happen in order to help me.

People who behave like this don't just lie to us.....they lie to themselves.  They live a big lie.  They can deal their kids "physical blows, the hair pulling, the name calling, the controlling" and then pretend it never happened.  A lie.

They can "beat" their children and leave them "terrified" and again......pretend it didn't happen.  Another lie.

They can say and do.....any number of horrendous words or acts........and pretend those didn't happen too.
More and more lies.  Lies to live by.  Lies that, after awhile, become reality for them.

They believe their own lies.

Because the truth......is toooooo terrifying for them to admit or face up to.

They are cowards.

But you, H&H.....are no longer living the lie.  You are facing the painful truth....the facts....of what really happened.....and of how horrible that was for you....and of how horrible that was of your mother.  You are much more courageous than you are giving yourself credit for, I think.

It's so much easier to pretend none of it happened.  Everything is ok now.  Nobody was hurt.

You're not living that lie and you have so much less to be afraid of (if you think about it in these terms) because you won't be repeating the words or behaviours, hurting others, like your mother did.  You won't have to be afraid of yourself or of facing yourself or of facing what you did.  You'll be able to look back and feel comfortable......even proud.....of how you did not do what she did.

She.....is the truly terrified one, is my bet.  And you have much less to fear than she ever will.

((((((((H&H))))))))

Sela

[2224Jessica]

To Healing and hopeful,
Your letter was so amazing. So honest and real. I feel like we are on the same page. Your letter expressed how I feel about my own mother. Only recently I wrote a similar letter to my Dad about how I felt about mum and how I experienced my childhood with mum. I knew she would read it too because my dad is under her spell. I tried to appeal to my Dad about how I experienced life with mum. I was shaking as I wrote it and I was immensely frightened but I did it. I haven't heard back but I have support by two of my siblings. I heard through one of my siblings that she talks about the letter as lies. I spoke very openly and vulnerably in the letter. There is hope yet but it was a huge release to get all my feelings out and now they know how it was for me. Even if nothing comes of it I feel like in someway I got to say what I had to say. I am no longer afraid. I feel like she has no control over me anymore. All the best and whatever you decide to to know that you are not alone.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Jessica

Welcome to the board.  I am so glad to hear you have the support of your siblings and so sorry that you didn't have the parents you deserve.  I am also inspired that you have confronted her and even though nothing came of it, that your Mum couldn't face what she did so classed it as lies, that you feel released and no longer afraid.

I also read in your other post about not changing anyone else, only yourself.  I believe this too and feel it is very helpful in allowing me to grow as a person.  In lots of ways, my friends are my family but I can find it very difficult where to draw the line, where to set the boundary so I'm there for them, but also don't get used, however I don't think I'm doing too badly on the whole.

Look forward to hearing more from you.  Personally I have found this website so supportive and helpful.

Take care

H&H xx

[Guest444]

H&H

I loved this letter too.  I think it's beautifully written.

As far as telling her calmly what she did-- well, I did that.  I was too afraid to do it alone, so I did it in the counseling session (two months ago).  She had no memory of hitting me.  I reminded her of the specifics, she couldn't remember.  I believed her.  I was surprised, but I believed her.  Later, she went home and told Dad, I think.

He must have been upset--he wasn't there to hear me say it calmly and perhaps he imagined me attacking her when I did say it.  ..I don't know.  I said it only as if it was fact, because it was.  I tried to take the hurt out of it, and I just explained what happened.  Anyway, I don't know what Dad said or didn't say-- but the last counseling session--the one where he showed up, one of the incidents came up again (hair pulling--this time when I was an adult), and he defended Mom and lied and said I pushed her... 

So I don't know how productive it was reminding her.  It was dissapointing to me that she didn't remember.  I was angry, very angry.  But now I'm over that.  It was also good to get it out.  I thought she knew.  I was surprised to understand she didn't remember.  But I do understand that now.  That she simply doesn't remember the bad things she did to me, or doesn't think they were bad, in some cases, is a revelation to me.  It means she will not know when she hurts me.  That is good information to hold.  It will keep me guarded from here on out.  And that is something that was valuable to learn.

[longtire]

H&H, I think that is a good self-affirming letter.  You deserve to be treated better.  You always have.  Good for you.

As far as telling her calmly what she did-- well, I did that.  I was too afraid to do it alone, so I did it in the counseling session (two months ago).  She had no memory of hitting me.  I reminded her of the specifics, she couldn't remember.  I believed her.  I was surprised, but I believed her.  Later, she went home and told Dad, I think.

So I don't know how productive it was reminding her.  It was disappointing to me that she didn't remember.  I was angry, very angry.  But now I'm over that.  It was also good to get it out.  I thought she knew.  I was surprised to understand she didn't remember.  But I do understand that now.  That she simply doesn't remember the bad things she did to me, or doesn't think they were bad, in some cases, is a revelation to me.  It means she will not know when she hurts me.  That is good information to hold.  It will keep me guarded from here on out.  And that is something that was valuable to learn.

Guest444, I have come to a similar understanding of my wife's behavior.  I thought for so long she was "just" lying and covering up what she said and did.  But she describes herself as being shocked and confused at the time when I would react to her behavior (that she did not see).  She describes it as not having any awareness of what she does (my words, not hers) *while* she is doing it.  No memories are formed in the first place to be suppressed or repressed later.  That explains a lot.  Now I can understand how she can say and do these things and still look herself in the mirror.  She never experienced it in the first place.  Scary stuff!  At least now I know that I cannot depend on her for my safety in any way and can take care of myself accordingly.