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Not Being Heard/Acknowledged

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Jessica:
Hi Group,

Like many here, I am suffering in trying to heal from the recent ending of a relationship with a narcissist, but my question is not directly related to that.   I have a question that is very literal o the theme of the board (voicelessness).

Due to the some family dynamics of my upbringing, my self esteem, sense of worth, and confidence have suffered.   As a result I developed the feeling that I am invisible, or that my thoughts, words, opinions don’t matter to others.

This might be managable with thought correction, except for the fact that it seems to be proven true to me in my life!

I am okay one on one (though sometimes think I am not being heard by the person's response) but when there are more than 2 people present, I feel like nobody is hearing me.   I talk louder to try to get my point across, but it seems they are only replying to each other.     I have repeated myself 2 -3 times with the same point, only to have others keep addressing each other & not what I said.   After that, I become too embarrassed to try again.   I end up nodding "yes" to whatever the others are saying.  

It doesn’t happen every time, but quite often, in my view.    This feeds the self destructive thoughts of my invisibility or “voicelessness” even more, and I end up feeling depressed with my esteem affected, when I am alone after these happenings.   I am intelligent, with interesting enough things to say.     I don’t understand it.

However do you become heard in conversations?    Can anyone relate to what I mean?     Any advice would be very appreciated.  

Jessica

Anonymous:
Hi Jessica,

sad that you end up embarrassed (ashamed?) after interacting.  

speaking louder and repeating is only likely to help if you had started out speaking very softly, inaudible or nearly.  If you don't feel heard the first time then repeating the same thing is likely to repeat the same result, not feeling heard, right?  why would someone hear you the third time but not the first?  Are you close enough, willing to be vulnerable with, feel safe enough with any of those people to tell them how you feel and inquire about their perspective?

knowing your audience by listening and asking questions (including questions to check if others heard and/or understood what you said) can be far more important than intelligence in general, or being entertaining etc..  

what sorts of people are you talking with?  if you were chatting with a bunch of old school computer professionals - programmers in the 1980s for example (my bias given I worked with such types) you'ld likely be the only one talking...doesn't mean they'd be listening though.. :shock:  I've heard someone talk about their family's dinner table and how everyone is struggling to talk...no one pauses for a breath for fear the pause provide an opening for someone to interrupt them.  

being clear about purpose can be helpful too.   if we just want to be dazzeled with data and intelligence in general we can watch jepordy or read a book.   as R. Grossman writes about in his essay about being/becoming a therapist, there are subtexts in conversations.  my sense is we communicate about feelings most if not all of the time. Even when we chat about facts...what i find interesting i find interesting for a personal reason - we choose among all the intelligent/interesting bizzilion of facts in the world based on our personal values, experiences and emotional pre-dispositions.   sometimes listening for intent, aka listening between the lines, including listening to our own intent can be revealing...in other words are you really saying what you believe you are?  What is your subtext?  What is your intent in conveying what you are conveying?  Are you looking for recognition and if so to what end?  Are you wanting to give and get information? Are you trying to convey something about yourself and/or the topic only?  Why do yo want to be heard?  What sort of responses would you need from others in order to feel heard?

Are you direct? i have a harder time listening when someone talks around a point.  

Conveying too many details can be another obsticle to being heard.  when i am insecure about something i may give a bunch of details hoping that i can place the listener in the situation i am conveying and get their opinion without revealing what my assessment is.  if i don't say what it is i am seeking up front and they don't know what is going on they may wonder why the heck they are listening to a series of detailed events and their attention may drift.

Do these people you feel aren't hearing you look at you when you speak?  Do you notice their eyes begin to wander at some point or do they just look dazed ?  Are they making a loud nasal sound and listening to you with their eyes closed?  :lol:

Are you bringing up heavy subjects or always just skimming the surface of things and/or doing one or the other among folks who favor the opposite?

also paying attention to what you might be communicating via body language is key too.  are you making eye contact?  are your arms folded across your chest?  howz the ole breath?   :lol:  Ah, what is that hanging from yer nose?  As soon as I removed the snake tatoos from my forehead yup, you guessed it... people took me less seriously.   :shock:   :lol:    :D

any of that helpful?

take care, good luck with your adventures in communication land...
acappella

nightsong:
What Acappella said  :D

And also - a few comments from my own experience, hope that's OK?

Firstly (sexist comment coming up!) if the other people are men, they may not be that interested in what you have to say - women are for looking at, not listening to. Please note this generalisation does not apply to Rob, Alan, or any of the other guys on here - there are exceptions to every rule.

Secondly, my voicelessness has certainly had an imapct on how much I'm heard, and I am increasingly aware of how this works. For one thing, I literally speak very quietly, and sometimes have to repeat things because people haven' t heard me. Also, even when I think I've said something forcefully, I really haven't, compared to how 'normal' people would say it.

I'm very drawn to 'histrionic' people, who are often actor-ish. I think they express things in the way I would like to but don't dare. So I'm trying to learn from them. The old messages about 'Don't show off', 'People aren't interested in you' etc still pop up but I'm a little better at ignoring them these days.

Hope this helps - good luck.

nightsong

Jessica:
Acappella:

Thank you very much for such a well thought out reply!

I think it used to be a matter of voice projection, but not anymore.  

I will give you an example of how a recent conversation went.

There were 3 of us present, and a work colleague was speaking about writing an important scientific paper.  He said he was having trouble getting through it because he kept checking his grammar & spelling while writing, and would lose his concentration on the content.    I suggested that he worry about the spelling etc. later, and just concentrate on what he wanted to say.   In other words, not to try to do both at once.    It was a very quick and to the point comment that I thought was a good piece of advice.    I would have appreciated it if it had been the other way around.   It was also not said in any kind of condescending way either.   The person also knows I have written several papers, so I figured in hindsight, that should have lent some credibility as well.    

Well the other colleague was saying something about the spell checker and some other stuff, and my comment was ignored.    I said it again twice, louder  the final time (only to make sure my voice was projecting properly) and they were still in the middle of something about spell checker computer tech. stuff.

I wondered if it was because the colleague writing the paper knows the other person much more than me, so they naturally gravitated toward a connection with them.   Don’t know.     I know one person very well, and the other only somewhat, and they are both nice people who  I can speak with one on one just fine.

I was talking with scientists, but this happens in all walks of life.    I notice when other people make one off comments they are usually acknowledged.    

My body language is good.   I’ve thought about that one.

What really does hit me, is your comments about


listening to our own intent can be revealing...in other words are you really saying what you believe you are? What is your subtext? What is your intent in conveying what you are conveying? Are you looking for recognition and if so to what end? Are you wanting to give and get information? Are you trying to convey something about yourself and/or the topic only? Why do yo want to be heard? What sort of responses would you need from others in order to feel heard?

I think I am often communicating with intent to highlight intelligence/worth, because I’ve always felt invisible and unacknowledged.   But at the same time I don’t go on & on with facts and fancy words.   I’m down to earth and to the point.  

The why do you want to be heard is a great one…    My answer is “because it will validate that I’m not invisible”!!!   I’d never thought of that, and that is a big realization.    Imagine that being the goal of my conversations.    Also, that I am interesting and worthwhile to listen to is another goal of my speaking with others.  

I will think more on all in that paragraph especially.    Yes, you’ve been quite helpful.   Thanks a bunch Acappella

Jessica:
Also, even when I think I've said something forcefully, I really haven't, compared to how 'normal' people would say it.

I will remember that one nightsong.  I think I am speaking louder these days but maybe I'm not.

I sometimes notice when I give an extra energy push behind what I say, I get a whole other reaction from others.  I really see the difference so much.    It is hard to explain what I do.  It is all energy in quality and I project it from behind the words.   It is literally exhausting to do this though.   Can't keep it up.

thanks for your comments ...

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