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Not Being Heard/Acknowledged

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rosencrantz:
Intent is also important, as is recognising the subtext - and so is inflection, timing and tone.  But they pale into insignificance beside the gender gap!

Nightsong hit the nail on the head.  Men and women communicate in different ways and want different things out of the conversation - especially in a work context.  I've been quite shocked to discover how true it is that a man can think I am 'interrupting' him or taking over the conversation whilst a woman would perceive me as empathising and 'cooperating' in moving the conversation along.  Women interact and make space for each other; men make speeches.  (It's not a criticism of either side - we're just programmed differently!)

There are a couple of authors who are really useful on this issue : Deborah Tannen (eg Harvard Review article 'The Power Of Talk: who gets heard and why' plus books such as Talking from 9 til 5) and Suzette Haden Elgin who invented what she calls 'The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence'.

eg 'Men' don't respond well to being told what to do and don't ask questions in order to get advice.  It's cultural!  In the example you gave, he wasn't asking for advice.  He was having a moan, talking technology, etc.  

On the other hand, (subtext) you were asking for acceptance, approval and acknowledgement through your advice.   Another woman may willingly respond to that by being maternal.  A man tends to find it irritating or unnerving or irrelevant.  It's not part of the game he's playing.  Alternatively, he may respond by being patronising - and you really don't want to encourage that.  You're helping the 'experts' to put you 'in your place'!!!

Try the books.  They're really useful.
R

Jessica:
R,

I surely check out these books.   The one "'The Power Of Talk: who gets heard and why" sounds particularly interesting.

I will heed what you say about the gender differences.   A very valuable consideration!   I can clearly see what you mean about men thinking something an interruption, whereas women finding it facilitative.   Perhaps you are right, and this was a big part of the problem with the example I gave.     It as a male & a female colleague, and I was addressing the male with advice (he may not have wanted apparantly).

Thanks much.   Again- will definitely have a look at the books.    After everyone's help, I now feel there is some hope for me to be heard yet lol...    I think it is a mix between internal things such as being aware of my thoughts, intent, and focus, and outer things, such a recognizing gender differences,  and other contextual differences.

Jess...

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