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Not Being Heard/Acknowledged

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Acappella:
thanks for your comments and feelings too Jessica.  your being visible here and vulnerable and seeking truths and sharing insight helps me too to think and feel and continue the jouney towards living out loud.  :)

Yeah that subtext and intent stuff is powerful isn't it?


--- Quote ---I’m down to earth and to the point.
--- End quote ---
Your down to earthness and being to the point is visible in your writing too as is your warmth and intelligence.  Just can't hide what is there, there even when no one is looking.


--- Quote ---the other colleague was saying something about the spell checker and some other stuff, and my comment was ignored.
they were still in the middle of something about spell checker
--- End quote ---

Two things about the spell check conversation:
1)  well i think it is pretty danged obvious what that "spell check" banter is all about...I've seen this sort of thing a thousand times...clearly they are having a torid secret affair.  They otta just get a room...take it elsewhere!  :lol:  Talk about subtext!   :wink:   Ok, seriously now:
2) you say "something" about spell checker twice so i wonder if you were listening to what they were saying or if you tuned out as soon as you felt invisible and thereby sort of made yourself invisible because you then became unavailable to/disconnected from the conversation and focused inside instead.  Like an overactive immune system sometimes our self protection is what we need protection from.  

And that soft voice stuff also that Nightsong noted....I've noticed that when i ask for something at a restaurant (oh gosh just realized that is probably the only place I ask for anything....ponder that one later  :shock: ) i used to whisper and my voice still gets high with a sort of squeeky angst and an upward lilt - as if I am ashamed, frightened etc.  I got embarrassed when i first noticed what i was doing.  Embarrassment about embarassment.  YEEESH!  Self awareness just aint for the squeemish!  My husband jokingly immitated the passive request with a duck (i mean like "duc" like for cover - spelling spaz here!) as if i were expecting a smack on the head for making a request.  Funny in a way and sad in that voicelessness is really about fear and I did get punished for asking for something as a child and now in my adult relationships.  Like Nightsong noted about picking reinforcements for our tendencies.  A counter balance approach I like to picking friends that reinforce my weaknesses is enlisting friends in changing...where I used to live I had a friend with whom I swapped support for overcoming each other's passive or submissiveness or whatever.  I didn't notice my affect consistently at first and I liked having someone point it out occassionally.


--- Quote ---highlight intelligence/worth, because I’ve always felt invisible and unacknowledged  
--- End quote ---
 :(   lonely, scary, yuko?  I am sorry.  Sometimes I feel the world would be a better a place if we could just say, "I am sorry to interrupt but I have this overwhelming need for a hug right now and I can't continue listening until I have one please." or "What do you see when you look at me?" or "I FEEL INVISIBLE!" (shouted in the middle of a busy NYC intersection by someone wearing either very bright wacky clothing or perhaps nothing at all).   I know the feeling of living a half life and spending that half on so much assessment that I stop just being.   Partly perahps it is a matter of faith that much of ouself exists outside of our view and another major portion of our self exists outside the view of others. So we are never wholely visible at any one moment to anyone. So we just have to feel our way around in the dark.


--- Quote ---validate that I’m not invisible
that I am interesting and worthwhile to listen to is another goal of my speaking with others.
--- End quote ---
 That sounds like a tall order to fill,a lot of pressure to place on a conversation and on yourself - it might just be so much pressure that it squeezes that part of you that just is and cant be denied right out of the spot light of your focus and thereby hides you from others?  


--- Quote ---'normal' people would say it.
--- End quote ---
 you found them!?  i too have been search for those normal folks.   :D  We are all so unique that while we share a common desire to belong how we do so seems to me the more I inquire (doing a lot of that lately) to be a matter of infitite variation.  

Take care jessie..l look forward to you keeping us posted about your discoveries.  WE SEE YA!

Anonymous:
He said he was having trouble getting through it because he kept checking his grammar & spelling while writing, and would lose his concentration on the content.    I suggested that he worry about the spelling etc. later, and just concentrate on what he wanted to say.   In other words, not to try to do both at once.    It was a very quick and to the point comment that I thought was a good piece of advice.

Feedback: the colleague didn't want advice. He wanted empathy. In most conversations with scientists (a class of person I know very well), you must cater to their vanity like mad. They don't want suggestions at all. They only want sympathy and attention.

Anonymous:
Jessica,

In some conversations, I find myself TOTALLY IGNORED. I think this is because (a) the people are incompatible with me in the first place; (b) they share common interests that I lack; (c) I am somehow an outsider to them. If this happens in EVERY SINGLE conversation, then you may need to review whether you are too self-involved, desperate, needy, or something. But I doubt you have this feeling in every conversation.

Jessica:
Acappella,

2) you say "something" about spell checker twice so i wonder if you were listening to what they were saying or if you tuned out as soon as you felt invisible and thereby sort of made yourself invisible because you then became unavailable to/disconnected from the conversation and focused inside instead.

Yes, I believe this is an aspect.  When the "I'm invisible" "not worthwhile" tape starts playing again in my head, I'm sure I do lose track of the conversation, and way over focus on trying to prove this notion that causes me so much pain, wrong.  Communicating for the sake of correcting something, rather than for the sake of the actual conversation.  

That sounds like a tall order to fill,a lot of pressure to place on a conversation and on yourself - it might just be so much pressure that it squeezes that part of you that just is and cant be denied right out of the spot light of your focus and thereby hides you from others?

This could be, as well.   I know, without a doubt, that the way I am, and the way my focus changes when I feel invisible has to affect the dynamics of the interactions.  

Much helpful food for thought in these exchanges.   Thank you again Acappella, for your thoughfulness and your kindness.   You've been like a little angel  :)  
 
Jess

Jessica:
Thanks to last two guest repliers.   Last guest, you are right, it does not happen every single time.  Though as I am discovering from the other messages, i think I become too needy & self involved as you say, in the sense of  just becoming too focused on being heard & proving I'm not invisible or unworthy.  

Ironically, I think the very way I am trying to become visible/heard, is rendering me less visible/heard.   I have to change my thinking and my behavior, and then see what happens.

Thanks again...

Jess...

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