x-mas eve and I am sooo down.......

[lovedafraud]

   Hello, everyone and Merry X-mas!
   Try as I may I cannot get myself in the Holiday spirit. I am very thankful for my young daughters. Without them I don't know where I'd be right now.  This is the first Holiday w/out him,(N), in eight years. I have such an ache in my heart, even after his adultery and abuse, the lies, the games....I must really be sick!! Why do I miss a man who has systematically withdrawn any signs of affection toward me over the course of the last few years? Why am I mourning the passing of a relationship that was so wrong? Why, (eventhough there is a restraining order against him, an arrest for domestic and another for violation of restraining order/harrassment),do I feel the overwhelming urge to speak with him....to hear his voice. Although realistically I know he would either be extremely nasty or very grateful in a manipulative sort of way,( eventually schmoozing his way into another turn at making our lives hell), I cannot stop myself from imagining himappologizing and expressing his love in truest sincerity. It is a fantasy. Those are the things I wanted so long to hear, yet he was telling them to other women. I am a freakin' mess!!
lovedafraud

[Hopalong]

Awww, kiddo.
I'm so sorry.
Christmas Eve can make everything worse.
The good thing is in the midst of that addictive impulse in his direction, you DO see it for what it is...a poisonous, self-destructive fantasy.

You can ride this out.
You really can.
It is just an addiction.

Junkies know there's death ahead but they nod off with smiles anyway.

THANK GOD YOU ARE OUT OF THIS.
The only important gift to give yourself is to RIDE THIS IMPULSE and STAY OUT.

You can do it.
Hang in there and call a hotline, keep posting all night long, whatever it takes to NOT yield to any impulse to "hear his voice." Trust your inner wisdom that's deeper than the pain. You know that his voice is still there and it's just a voice. It's not a magical sound that will cure anything in your life. Instead, it would destroy you again. It's poison to your ears and it's NOT sacred music!

Good luck. Holidays are very hard when you're lonely. But this too shall pass.

Hopalong

[Chicken]

I am sorry for you lovedafraud...  my heart goes out to you.

[write]

We've all had that fantasy...at least you know it's a fraud.

Let me share a poem from Wendy Cope I've posted here many times:

Defining the problem

I can't forgive you. Even if I could,
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.

***

She also wrote:

Bloody Christmas, here again,
let us raise a loving cup,
peace on earth, goodwill to men,
and make them do the washing up.

***

I've just tried to be very quiet now all my work engagements are finished, I've watched a few films, cried a bit, swam and walked the dog and sewed with the kids...

try not to be hard on yourself, it's early days yet and Christmas brings out the family-fantasist in us all.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lovedafraud]

   Thankyou all for your wonderful support! I keep trying to imagine the Springtime, everything greening up and alive and new.  I never realized until recently what a powerful thing addiction is and I am so addicted to the dysfunction, it seems. Once the Holidays have passed, we have his first court date for sentencing in his domestic violence arrest. That is scheduled for Jan. 25th. Hopefully it will be as uneventful as possible.
   God Bless You All!  lovedafraud

[Plucky]

Hi LAF,
I understand.  I've been fighting the blues today also.  Sometimes it's ok to have a flurry of activity which keeps you from thinking too much.  Keep busy and try not to succumb.
I'm so glad you have your girls.  They can make life worthwhile.  And it's wonderful they have you.  You are going to lead your little family into a new, free, honest life.  They will thank you for it later.
Plucky
 

[lovedafraud]

   Thankyou, Plucky. I'm sorry you are experiencing the blues, too. Yes, my daughters are a blessing to me. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the bad I forget to count the blessings around me.
   Here's to the New Year!!
   lovedafraud

[Brigid]

lovedafraud,
There is no one who loves Christmas more than I and I totally understand your pain right now.  I have been where you are as my x left 2 months to the day before Christmas 2 years ago.  For the sake of my children, I decorated the house as I always had and hung 3 rather than 4 stockings with tears in my eyes.  But I knew I must create new traditions that had happy moments attached to them.  For the last 2 years the kids and I have left town for the week from Christmas eve to New Year's Eve and it was the best thing we could have done.  Since I have no family here (or really anywhere) except my children, it didn't matter if we stayed home and we didn't have to be surrounded by all the reminders of the changes in our lives.  This year it was no longer necessary to leave and I am having a wonderful holiday with the new love in my life.  For the sake of your girls try to enjoy the holiday season any way possible and create your own new traditions.

Thanks Write for posting the Wendy Cope poem.  I was going to do the same thing.  It is always a good reminder of the illusion we all lived with rather than the reality.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Hopalong]

It's such a relief when Christmas passes and the community moves toward the New Year...
those thoughts are easier to bear. And even hopeful!

Hold on to yourself, and believe this. Just as Brigid says, after finding some compromises to get you through a few tough Christmases, you'll soon find you can create a new Christmas.

This one wasn't it (and hugs to you too, Plucky...blue snow falls everywhere...)
but it will come.

Love,
Hopalong