wishing for a normal mother

[marie]

I am new and I have a mother that suffers from N.  I am 47 years old and the oldest of 2.  I have just in the last year figured out that I was not the bad person or the crazy one.  In my 20S I began to have medical problems due to my mother always calling and making me feels real upset and would get me crying because I was not like her friends daughters.  She would always do this when she was in her lowest moments and or had been drinking.  My doctor told me that if I didn't put a stop to it I would latter have medical problems.  I took a LOT of mental abuse from her.  Holidays always seem to be the worst.  She was a only child family and was neglected and sexually abused.  My mom does not think that she has a problem.  It is everyone else.  I have a brother that is in and out of jail and has a lot of problems himself.  He doesn't contact her much so she takes everything out on me.  She has lied to me to get me to feel sorry for her and has tried to use my older daughter against me.  I love my mom, but it takes everything out of me to talk to her because she will get at me when I am least expecting it.  If there is anyone out there that is going through this give me some ideas.  I have even thought of writing a letter to Dr. Phil. 

kperez

[Hopalong]

Hi Marie,
Welcome to a safe place where you can feel what you feel.
I understand what it's like to feel very upset after dealing with your mother, and even to the point of getting ill or damaging your health. I'm sure a lot of other people here do too. Right off the bat, the first thing I think of when I read your post is what's missing: BOUNDARIES.

I think it would help you a lot to read about this subject: it sounds as though boundaries are lacking with your mother and she has too much freedom in your life. (And you give too much permission.)

Here's a good digest to start with, but searching "healthy boundaries" will find you lots of help:

http://www.msstate.edu/dept/cts/outreachs/pdf/healthy-boundaries.pdf

Keep posting. It will help you hear your own voice!
You are not alone.

Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Kperez

I really feel for you hon.  It sounds like you have given and given and given until you can give no more?

Your mum does not feel like she has a problem, and although it is very hard to except, I feel she will probably never realise she has a problem.  My n dad blames... any kind of conversation he will turn it round until I was the one with the problem, so he didn't have to deal with anything.  Once I could see this, it gave me the strength to set boundaries for myself.

You have given years to your mum.... maybe now is the time to give to yourself and love that little girl within you?

Lots of hugs

H&H xx

[cat]

Marie, I'm with you!! I want a normal mom too.  I've come to the conclusion that it ain't a gonna happen.  I am 49 - the eldest of two.  Yes, my mom was an only child too.  My dad loved her outrageously enough to leave his family - and his side of the world to stay married to her.  Currently he lives in nursing home an hour away - and she lives in an independent living facility.  I do believe my dad is happy where he is now.

But in dealing with my mom. . . oh, it's so hard.  The phone calls. . . If I had a mute button on my phone, I would use it a lot.  Instead, I realize my mom only wants to know what is happening in my life so she can distort what I say and use it to her advantage (oh - and she's not into alcohol - so this illness isn't just confined to those using alcohol).

I moved as far away from her as I could.  I got involved in other activities to stay away from thinking about her.  When I can't avoid the phone calls, I make up my mind as to when I'm calling her (and I do screen all calls).  I put on a timer for about 15 minutes.  Basically, I just listen to her chatter - - - and tell her nothing. 

That's how I get through it.

[Hopalong]

Hi Cat,
The word "chatter" really snagged me. I do it (one of my inherited Nspots). But I try to control it.

I think this is the single most frustrating thing about dealing with NMom. The endless, incessant, constant, never varying, stream of nonstop chatter about herself. Day after day after day.

It was just a relief to hear somebody call it that. Chatter.
(I'm so inspired I wanna open another thread on it.)

Tonight, I reminded NMom we have an appt tomorrow to have her faithful little dog of 16 years put to sleep. NMom goes, but I have a HAIR appointment.

I was just appalled. Little dog, who never leaves her side, can endure her painful cancer another week or two, because nothing should interfere with Mom's CURLS. (The dog isn't really a separate being to her. I should be surprised?)

Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Hopalong

[marie]

Hi Cat,

I know exactly what you mean about the phone calls.  My mom moved to Arizona about 3 years ago and I really thought that the phone calls would get better because I was not seeing her as much.  Oh no, I think that she would store up everything.  I can also agree on the 15 minute phone call.  The last time she started in on me it was after about 20 minutes and I made up an excuse to get off the phone.  It is almost like they know that you have let down your guard and they sneak up and hit you with one of those rude comments.  My parents got back together after 35 years, when she moved to Arizona.  That was a disaster.  She would brow beat my father so much that this summer he moved out because she was so mean to him.  I have found that my mom wants people around her but, it has to be on her terms.  I would like to visit her but I can only hander her for a few days and the feeling sorry for her self sets in.  My mother told me on Christmas Eve that I was the one with the mental problems and that I needed to go and see a shrink.  My husband and daughters and friends all tell me that it is her.  I know it is and that's what's so hard.  She thinks that in the last past few years that I am not as close to her and she doesn't know what happened.  I am just tired of the emotional roller coaster and I have chosen to get off the ride.
Marie

[cat]

Hey Marie,

Your email was encouraging. . . it's nice to know we're in it together.  I would take heard by what your husband, daughters and friends say . . .in that they all recognize your mother has the mental problems.  It took a long time for my sister and I to understand that because we were so close to the situation.  Eventually, the relatives and the in-laws pointed the situation out to us very carefully.  (It was actually a "Dear Abby" article that helped us put a name to it!)

Every word out of my mothers mouth (and I'm guessing yours too) has to be carefully measured to see if it's true or not.  Without that "filter" I would go nuts thinking it was all my fault.  And as you say - putting on a "mother" filter definitely helps with the emotional roller coaster.

Cat

[spyralle]

Hi Guys,.

This post really reonated with me because at the moment I am waiting with baited breath as i have sent my mum a Christmas card and a brief synopsis of my life since I last spoke to her (April).  if you don't already know my N partner just took of one day,. basically with £25,.000 of my money.  I would love my mum to soothe my pain and stroke my hair and tell me everything will be OK but alas I am now aware that this will not be forthcoming.  Instead I will be subject to a long tirade of what have I done to make him leave which will lead on to how awful I am and how I am such a dreadful daughter etc......

I also know about being a massive disappointment compared to others.  there was this kid who used to live across the road from me and my mother was constantly wishing I was her.  She still is actually...  I agree about the laying down of boundaries.  I have been learning in therapy that she is just not going to become a 'mum' so i need to therefore stop trying to gain her appproval and live my life for myself.  My mother also chatters endlessly about herself and comes out with classic guilt wrenching statements like...  "I am like a grape withering on a vine through neglect" or she will whisper "I'm sorry I'm whispering but as nobody has bothered to talk to me I am losing my voice".

My muother will also lament the fact that I am not as close to her.  What that actually means is that I am trying to disentangle myself from the enmeshed relationship she created to make me unable to function without her...

Spyralle x

[marie]

Hello Spyralle,

I surely understand were you are.  My mom told me about 2 years ago that the lady next door to her that is my age is more of a daughter to her than me.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  She always is giving advise but her life is a complete wreck.  I  have been married 2 times in my life.  The first time I had a husband that on a daily bases verbally abused me.  I lived in the world of callapsed boundaries.  I felt like a puppet and everyone was pulling my strings.  My mom loved him because he was as sick as her and they fed off each other.  I really thought that all marrages were like mine.  My first husband died of cancer and that was my way out of a bad marrage.  I am now married and have been for 19 years and he is normal.  I have healthy boundaries with him.  It is my mom that I am working on getting there.  I find myself going the total opposite in to Rigid Boundaries with her just to keep my sanity.  I would like to send her a book on N but, I don't think that she will get it.   She called me last night and I just got sick to answer the phone.  It was a short and sweet call and I hung up.  I need to work on knowing when to cut off the conversation so it doesn't  get into a fight and then I have to re-live the phone call for a couple of days.  I just hate that.
Marie

[cat]

Marie, I have also faced the fact that Mom feels other people are closer to her than her own daughters.  On my part, though, I have some role models in my life who are much more of a Mother to me than she is.  Once I was able to kind of mentally disconnect myself in that way, it helped.

At one point in my life, I confronted my Mom with some issues.  Very unemotionally she stated she was sorry that was the way I felt - - - and then went on to say that the best time in her life was during high school.  My Mom is nearing 80 now (and just as cruel as ever) - - - but at this point, I've got some pity for her.  4 year in high school - out of an entire life span of 80 years, of happiness is pretty darn sad.  I also used to relive the phone call for a couple of days (especially when we disagreed) - but I found out that it was  more impactful to me than it was to her.

What a tangled web, eh?

[marie]

Cat,

My mom also lives in a small time frame.  She just can't let herself out of her small time capsule.  Her time was when she was in her late 20's she met my stepfather that she married 2 times and has been back with him a half a dozen times in the last 40 years.  She tells everyone how much fun and how much she loved him.  Her biggest problem is that there is no compromising in her world.  He is a very strong willed person also and he just wouldn't put up with her ways so they would end up breaking up.  For a long time I didn't really like him because she always made every think it was all his fault.  I know now that it was not his fault totally.  She thinks life is a big party...  When the party is over and the dust settles she becomes bored.

My mom feels that everyone should agree with the way she sees everything.  No one else should have there own appionion and if you do look out...she is going to start a fight with you.

It is very sad because she is only going to die a very lonely old women because she has crushed every relationship that she has had.
Marie

[spyralle]

My mum has done that too.... crushed every relationship she has ever had.  Her expectations of people are so high that no one can live up to them.  She has no insight into any of her behaviour and believes that the fault always lies with them.  She keeps going on now about when she is infirm and will need someone to look after her.  She wants me to sell my house and buy a house with her.....  They seem to have no understanding of any world other than their own...

[marie]

My mom always is looking for a nice man.  I really don't think that she know what nice means.  When she does find a nice man he becomes to boring for her.  She wants turmoil not nice.  She is not happy unless she is complaining and or bitching about something.  I could NEVER live with my mom.  When I lived at home growing up I hated it when she came home.  The minute she came in the door she would look around the room to see something that she could complain about.  When I graduated from high school I wanted to go to college but she refused to pay.  I was turned down for a grant because my mother had inherited a lot of money when her parents passed away.  So, I got a full time job and went to college full time.  That lasted about one quarter.  It was just to much for me.  The days were not long enough so I had to drop out.  I needed to survive.  I had moved out and was on my own.  I couldn't live with her anymore. 

I could never do that to my own kids.  My daughter that lives at home wants to go to college and my husband and myself are not going to take those dreams away from her.  I have since had that discution with my mom and she really doesn't say to much about it.  I have learned not to borrow anything from her either.  Once you have and you go to drive off she is on the phone needed the item back.  She lives long distance and that to me is the only way for my own family and myself to have any sanity. 

Marie

[Plucky]

Marie,
I am so angry about what your mother did to you (not paying for university).  She is so abnormal.   Like some sort of animal that ought to go extinct because it does not have the ability to nurture its young.  What a selfish thing to do.  Beyond selfish.

She will feel bad when you support your daughter.  Not because she has suddenly grown a heart, but because you are outdoing her in looking after your daughter, and she knows on some level she was so wrong and now it will be even more obvious.   So expect some snide remarks.

My mum kicked me out of the house immediately after graduation.  I was exhausted from working and studying and had to take a crappy live-in job just to have a place to stay.   It was not a great start in life!  But hey.  I still survived.

Your mum sounds just like mine.  She still thinks she is going to get a man.  Even though her n-ness is right out front nowadays and she can't even hang onto a girlfriend.    If I hear another story about how cute she is (in her late 70's) and how jealous the other women in her building are.....
Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

Blimey... my Mum did that too.  I really wanted to go to college to resit my GCSE's, but she refused and insisted I had to get a full time job, to help them pay the bills.  She also told me to go into secretarial work because typing was the only thing I was good at.  This is my reason for doing secretarial/administrative work.  About 8 years later I had a discussion on the phone with her about it... she couldn't understand why I felt angry.

My brother on the other hand.... 7 years later when he left school, was encouraged to go to college and do a full time course.  I really felt it was so unfair.