My Dear Plucky,
Thinking of you. Wishing you a happy new year and a new beginning.
Gail: (It's best to get the ball rolling without even letting H know you've seen an attorney.) That meant XH couldn't access his retirement money, borrow against the house, etc
Seriously seconded. You are surrounded by folks,your mom, hubby, almost no friends you can confide in, who are NOT looking out for you or your interests. Some, like your hubby, may be nice at heart but right now he is pitted right against you and his interests directly conflict with his. He may be too angry, too short-sighted, too frightened to think of you. Others, like your mom, and positively destruciive and will derive great pleasure from anything that harms you. So you really need someone who'll be on your side 101%, like a lawyer and may be even a therapist.
Love, Marta