Holiday Blues

[CeeMee]

The hoiiday came and went.  Too bad the blues can't leave just as quickly. 

I'm wondering whether healthy people have blues  just like I do but simiply choose not to complain. 

I'm wondering if those Alateen meetings my mom sent me to which got me talking about my feelings were the worst possible thing I could have learned.   I have this need to talk through almost every emotional crisis now rather than suck it up and move on. 
I'm wondering if the saying "don't let them see you sweat" is the truest most valuable advice for survival in the world.
Why is it that the folks who are aloof and distant and never show any emotion are the ones moving up in organizations?
Or is it that they have no feelings, fears or insecurities?

CeeMee


   

[write]

I have this need to talk through almost every emotional crisis now rather than suck it up and move on. 

hi Ceemee, sorry you're feeling down.
I always get down around Christmas, it's had so many bad memories and seems so phony somehow, I wouldn't do it at all if it weren't for the family.

It can be a 'SAD' time fo year if you're somewhere with dismal weather and no sun too, I always got depression in Winter in England, it went away when i emigrated.

I don't think there's a problem talking through your crises, I do it a lot, even if it's only write out how I'm feeling just to 'get it out'.

Who are you worried about seeing your vulnerablities?

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((Cee Mee)))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry. You are truly not alone.
Blues battles are going on all around you, you're just honest about it, not in denial.
I agree there's NOTHING wrong with your needingn to talk it through.
It is such a healthy impusle in a culture that usually rewards the cold blooded.

Yeah, they do tend to succeed. That stinks.
But it's at a cost, if they climb by standing on others' skulls.

That's just not who YOU are.
You measure success by a different yardstick, I think.
More about heart truths, more about real community.

CeeMee, you are a gem of a person.
Let the herds blow their own horns and gaze in their mirrors.
You are looking within, and eventually, you will see the real beauty of your heart shining back at you.

(That's so NOT Narcissus.)

Hugs to you, and hope for a happier new year.
Even if it comes gradually, it will come, and we're still here!

(Hope you get out there and connect with a good small group of some sort, someplace that's not trivial...I think you have a hunger for community. And work so often can't be it.)

Sending courage, and lots of sunshine,
Hopalong

[Plucky]

Hi CeeMee,
I think if a person suppresses feelings for long enough, they will have fewer emotions.  I don't think that is a good thing, to feel less.  Nor is it natural or healthy.  Also, suppressed emotions do come out in other ways.

Maybe you just want to deal with your emotions differently.    If you could wait to talk things out until you were in a safe place, that is better than needing to vent right away.  Maybe you could work on what may be the inconvenient part of having emotions in public.  But talking things out is healthy, and so many people would like to be able to and can't.

Or maybe you don't have people around you that can support you and this need.  So you want to find different people. 

Plucky

[CeeMee]

Thank you all for your replies.  If you knew how much it took out of me to just write that little SOS.  I'm depressed, no doubt about it and when I get like this it seems I've been this way forever.  My energy just drains from me.  I reach out for help in all the wrong ways too.  I've been hitting the bottle again, popping my favorite headache pills, sitting in bed all day and night with my laptop.  Not that I do anything on it but surf.  I come to our board here and I can barely read through the posts.  Each one is so painful.  Forget about trying to offer any words of encouragement.  Thank goodness for those on the board who either never have issues or if they do, they bounce back and are right as rain in a day or two.  Seems like I've been in the dumps for weeks.  Can't really tell though.  Everything seems foggy right now. 

Write wrote: I always get down around Christmas, it's had so many bad memories and seems so phony somehow, I wouldn't do it at all if it weren't for the family.   Who are you worried about seeing your vulnerablities?

Same here Write.  LOTS of BAAAAAAAD memories.  Yuck!  I want to go to sleep and not wake up  till after New Years.  Maybe one day that sort of service will be available.  We just climb into a pod and go into a temporary coma (it would be nice if we stop aging during that period of time). 

Hoppy wrote: You are looking within, and eventually, you will see the real beauty of your heart shining back at you.  (That's so NOT Narcissus.)

Can't see it today for sure but that doesn't keep  me from digging around in there.  I know it's there and  this fog is seasonal.  Like Write said, it is the lack of sun.  In fact, it is ready to storm outside right now.  I hear the wind whipping. 

Plucky wrote:  If you could wait to talk things out until you were in a safe place, that is better than needing to vent right away.

I generally try to do that.  My problem is that I always seem to misjudge and think I've found a safe place and it turns out I'm wrong.   Oh my gosh I can't tell how that theme has been a constant these last few months.   It seems like I am back to square one in the trust department.  The people I trusted with my thoughts and feelings have betrayed me.   I feel like such a fool.  I'm thinking that you really can't trust opening up to anyone except     your therapist. 

Just recently I received a letter from my mom whom I have shared lots with over these last few years.    I was disturbed by the fact that my brother took her computer home with him to "clear her hard drive."  I immediately became concerned that all of my e-mails to her could be viewed by him.  Mom would have me believe that none of our correspondence was on the drive.  I know that can't be true. She asked me to keep my paranoid thinking to myself as it is making her ill. She used her favorite catch all, nobody cares about my letters.  I wish I could believe that but my intuition tells me otherwise.   

Please forgive these rantings...this will pass I know.  Thanks for being there Hoppy, Write and Plucky. 

CeeMee

[Hopalong]

I'm depressed, no doubt about it and when I get like this it seems I've been this way forever.  My energy just drains from me.  I reach out for help in all the wrong ways too.  I've been hitting the bottle again, popping my favorite headache pills, sitting in bed all day and night with my laptop.  Not that I do anything on it but surf.

You've got company! I'm also depressed and have spent three SUNNY days in bed with TV and my laptop, accomplishing nothing. But I know I will rally when my brain is done with it.

I was disturbed by the fact that my brother took her computer home with him to "clear her hard drive."  

My brother invaded my computer once, expressly against my wishes, and emailed himself a very private, very painful letter I'd written to my mother that included venting about him. I'll never trust him again. It's the email dragon again...email just doesn't "feel" like a document because off it goes into the air... Is your brother malicious? I hope it doesn't cause serious troubles for you.

Please forgive these rantings...

You're not ranting, you're sharing and that's the first step up out of depression. You're doing a good sane thing so good for you!

Hang in,
Hopalong

[CeeMee]

Hoppy,

That incident with your brother is so enraging, yet you sound so calm.   Years back, I might have contemplated killing someone for this type of violation.  Being a lot healthier now, I get angry but not to the point of hating which always resulted in me suffering the most injury. 

 My brother is not malicious just plain old nosey.  It's his girlfriend that causes me the most worry.  She is the manipulative type and my brother (diagnosed schizophrenic now off meds due to her non professional advice) at age 46 has finally transitioned from being a momma's boy to being his girlfriend's boy.  I'd better stop thinking about it.  No wonder it is making my mom sick.  I'm feeling sick thinking about it myself. 

Am I so off base to think these horrible things can happen?  When you write me and tell me that your brother actually did something as invasive as forwrading himself a private letter not addressed to him, it confirms for me that people can be sinister in their varying degrees of illness.  I say illness because in my heart, I don't believe in evil or the devil.  I see everything as healthy and unhealthy.

Just a side note.  The other day, I was watching TV and Bush and the Mrs. were on giving a holiday message.  Oh MY! When I looked at the expressions on both of their faces, it was downright scary.  Has anyone else noticed how blank their expressions are.  The eyes are wide (too wide and wild to my mind) and there is this emptiness behind them.  Talk about aloof and distant.  I didn't get any indication that there was anybody home!  And these are the world's leaders!  That was enough to send me into a deep depression. 



CeeMee

[write]

my father once read several of my private emails to my brother whilst bro was away in hospital, with some venting etc about him in them,  then called me up to tell me he was v. angry and offended!

His nerve did away with any sense of shame or embarrassment I had about him reading my inner thoughts, and I told him he shouldn't go poking about if he doesn't want to uncover the truth...

It helped that he called my sister and told her what I'd written, expecting her to take his side, and for once instead she told him it was all true, and a few more home truths.

<I say illness because in my heart, I don't believe in evil or the devil.  I see everything as healthy and unhealthy.>

the thing with this is it lets everyone off the hook, gives them a big excuse for what is often a choice & lets them opt out of personal responsibility. Believe me I know- I have Bipolar 1 and have had to learn self-control and how not to act out; fortunately I've had doctors who told me it was down to me to manage my mental health...I don't use it as an excuse at all now I don't think. My ex couldn't help his anger outbursts- but it was his choice whether he continued with them or got help and stopped hurting us. I do believe some people get pleasure from hurting others and I do believe that is bad as in evil as well as unhealthy.

At the Unitarian Church the people didn't believe in sin or evil, but that just seemed to excuse sleeping around, cheating or lying...it's made me realise that the purpose of a church and a belief system is to ground yourself in a morality, help you avoid hurtful or sinful things, prepare for consequences. I think the definition of sin is probably -harming others for no reason but our personal gratification.

I was raised in a family which produced almost paranoid secrecy about things, often ridiculous things, but over the years I have learned that many of the things I thought would damage me once they were out in the open, haven't affected my life at all. The bipolar was one guilty secret for years, now I don't care if people find out, or what they think of me.

The first time I called the therapist though I whispered on the phone, and asked if I could pay cash so no one would know I'd been! I really don't know what I expected to happen...

Now I find there is actually very little people can do with information about you to really hurt you except emotionally.

If your brother or his partner is interfering enough to search your hard drive, I'd say he needs to get a life and learn to mind his own business. His issues not yours.

Heavy drinking makes me feel guilty, shameful and depressed.
I noticed when I stayed with an alcoholic friend last year even though I already know everything about him & don't judge him he was very jumpy and anxious and not thinking straight.

Half the world is worried about The Bush Vacancy, I have noticed the same shiny-eyed emptiness in some local religious leaders here.

When youre down though worrying about world affairs is a luxury you can't afford.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Wow. Amazing about fathers and brothers' invasions, CeeMee and Write.
I do see it as my brother's complete lack of recognition of my right to privacy.
His boundary invasion and sense of entitlement was simiply an "adut" extension of the intimidation and bullying he did to me as a child. Bullying = boundary invasion. He's also been a pathological liar all his life.

This time, I was a grownup, so I said to him, Do not ever go into my study or touch my computer again. He "acted" ashamed but I have no reason to believe him. Far as I know he hasn't done it again, but I installed a "power on" password. I found it interesting that he had a very last-minute visit to my mother once I was out of state recently. I had my laptop with me and he couldn't access my main computer, but I have no confidence that he wasn't rooting through my paper files. I don't care anymore though. One of the issues is that my mother is leaving me the house and him all the contents, which is not a 50-50 split. Tough. He's been very neglectful and I've been living here for seven years, and cared for my father too for years before that. So all of a sudden now that she's very old he's visiting more than in the last 30 years. He and his wife are going to inherit from relatives on her side.
 
Write, I like your definition of sin. Sure works for me. It must not have been true in the UU congregation you got involved in, which sounded like a very painful experience, but some UUs use traditional religious vocabulary, including the concepts of evil and sin, to describe what they believe, and others do not. One literally cannot generalize about what all UUs believe or don't believe. It's a non-creedal religion. See www.uua.org or Beliefnet.org's forum on UUism. Anyway, we've touched on this topic before...

Belief statements or judgements don't protect or harm people, imho, behaviors do. I'm so sorry you ran into a rum bunch. Have you ventured into a new church that's feeling better for you? I hope you will soon find a positive community that feels right for you. Somebody was going to start a religious abuse thread...that's a good idea. So much harm is done to people who are vulnerable in some churches or congregations. Across the board. A good church is a great blessing, a bad one can be a horror.

Maybe if we deal with religious issues on a separate thread we ought to do the same for politics, but before that I have to chime in that I too find the Stepford wife quality of Laura Bush chilling, and George W's blankness reminds me of...my brother's. Eeek. I think (whoops, wrong thread) that rigidity and fundamentalism of any stripe can produce that mask-like certainty. It shows. (Reminds me of what somebody here once said about Narcissist's incredible self-confidence.) I guess being "saved" can do that. I always just felt I was being shoved out of the boat because I couldn't sign on the party liine.

Happy New Year to all. I'm going to have a movie with a couple from church. NMom has vapors and complains every time I go out on a weekend. She wants me to stay home and sit and listen because she's lonely. And of course, it's true. I simply can't stand it. I feel sorry for her but I can't fill her need.

Guiltily, but going anyway,

Hopalong

[Plucky]

(Minor hijacking incident follows)

NMom has vapors and complains every time I go out on a weekend. She wants me to stay home and sit and listen because she's lonely. And of course, it's true. I simply can't stand it. I feel sorry for her but I can't fill her need.

Hoppy, you live with her, care for her, she's an N and therefore repulsive to others, and she can't let you out on a weekend?  How selfish of her!  (Not of You.)  Why don't you just clip your jugular and let her suck on?
Plucky

[Hopalong]

EWWWWW! 

Poor old thing. I mean it.
Being that selfish is the N thing.

She's not repulsive to others, she's charming and attracts admiration.
But now that she's Very Old, and it's winter, fewer admirers appear.

I do resist, do go out...just have to fight through the tentacles first.
In some ways that fight has made me stronger though.

I was telling my T that as long as she doesn't live to 105, when I look back, I may be glad. This long chapter has worn grooves in me that have changed me. Not all bad, either. Coming around to compassion for her, after so long furious, has healed me. (Doesn't mean passivity or letting her always win though, I promise.)

I shall plan some self-indulgence forthwith!

Hugs and thanks
Hops

[CeeMee]

Well folks, I made it through the darkness.  I've come to wonder if I have multiple personalities because when I tell you that I was another person just a few days ago, it is not far from the truth.  What I learned from the experience is how absolutely lucky I am to have the most wonderful husband alive.  As I teetered on the abyss, he held my hand and talked me through the darkest of days.  He fed me, helped me dress, put me in the car and drove me around, and as I slowly came back to life, he held me in his arms and loved me.  Just like that, the cloud lifted and blew away.  Today, that person I was is gone and she is a stranger to me.  Is that weird?  Does anyone else have these dramatic changes?  I go from deaths door to floating on clouds in the span of a week or two.   

I also want to thank those of you who helped me through that time with your posts of support.   I hope that I can be there to support you in your time of need.  Here's to a new year of health and happiness to share along with all the support we need.

CeeMee

[Hopalong]

Welcome BACK, CeeMee!!!
You are just as beautiful in your swings of intensity as some others are in their measured calm.

You are just YOU and your hubby's right to adore you.

(does your husband have a single brother?)
 

Hugs,
Hops

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((((((((CeeMee))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry I missed this before and wasn't there for you.... but I'm so glad you have such a wonderful husband.  If you are unsure of who to trust, from the sounds of it, you have your husband who you can trust.  I feel that we don't need lots of people to trust, just one 

I am really glad to hear that you have walked into the light again.

Take care

H&H xx

[CeeMee]

Sorry Hoppy he's not got any single brothers.  My sister married one but they are cut from totally different molds. 

As always, thanks for your kindness Hoppy. 

H&H you WERE there.  It felt that way to me.  And you are right about only really needing one good person to trust.  I am so blessed.  Please remind me should I ever forget again while in the throws of darkness.

CeeMee