13 yr old is cutting her body need advise

[Plucky]

Hi OR,
you're coping well with a tough situation.  Hang in there.

I remember being 13.  It is difficult.  Physically, lots of changes take place, and they are not in sync.  Socially, it can be brutal.  Emotionally, it's a rollercoaster.  Girls start to develop and gain unwanted attention from boys or from older men, or don't gain the attention they want from their peer group.  Peer rivalry and bullying hits an all time high on even more levels.  Or they don't develop and feel ridiculous and invisible.  They have to start thinking about the real world and their future.  School can become much more challenging.  Sleep can be disrupted by hormones.  Moon cycles erupt and are another issue.

So I think 13 could be a very difficult age in itself.

Also, your daughter might not be missing her actual father.  She might be missing the father she wishes she had, and trying to check in with him from time to time to see if he really is that father in any way. 

Hey good luck!
Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

H & H


Quote
I didn't explain myself very well... when I said about D not seeing her dad for a year, I meant is this because she doesn't want to see him?  Or because he's decided he doesn't want to see her?

He refuses to come here to see her, he wants her to fly back to CA.
Because of his over use of medications in the past  he is required to have supervised
visits. He is mad, would not want anyone to tell him what to do with his daughter.
This Friday the courts will review the medical reports to help determine if she would be safe with out supervised visits.

He can't see the danger he poses, we have many reasons to be concerned but he is so (N) only his view point matters.
He would want to see her and not let her come back to TX and feel he has the right.

D, misses her dad, she wants to be loyal, she feels sorry for him as he reminds her how alone he is because
I caused the distance between them causing him a stroke which lead to him crashing his car.
When the medical reports are reviewed, which I have not seen them, we would want to know what meds
he should be on and upcoming surgeries, meaning more medications. 

 

Quote
you are loyal to both parents

She can call him anytime, and recently has called him to say hi.
When she talks to me about something I just listen. In the past I have said in the most kind way my thoughs about whatever and it just comes out
wrong, So I just listen. I don't hate her dad and want her to love who she is and will become
It makes me mad at him when he tells her lies about me then she gets confused why would her dad lie.
I sit alone and have to trust she will know the lies and understand her dad is a very confused man.


Quote
As an adult, I juggled so much that by the end I never spoke to the other parent about each other.  Never told bio dad that I was going round Mum's and never told Mum that I was going round bio dad's.  It only came to light when me and H were due to get married and had to organise stuff.  They never asked about each other either.

The next 5 years will be important, he often reminds her he expects to be having more surgeries
for the next 3 years and may not see her again because he may not live that long. So depressing for her.


((((((((((OR)))))))))

I'm sorry, I'm probably asking too many questions and dragging up stuff you probably don't want to talk about.

Thank you for sharing this with me....  As an adult I can see this is emotional manipulation, from the I'm not coming to see you, I expect you to fly over here to the I'm alone to you may not see me again.  What better way to get someone to do what you want than by saying, I may not have very long to live.... ah yes, and then she gives him a ring to say Hi.  One thing I am happy to hear is that you have support in the supervised visits.  It gives me hope that things have moved on from the 80's.  Personally I'd love to one day see the court files on their divorce and custody of me, but whether I can actually get this information or not will remain to be seen in the future.

D, misses her dad, she wants to be loyal, she feels sorry for him as he reminds her how alone he is because
I caused the distance between them causing him a stroke which lead to him crashing his car.

Is this what he is telling her, not what you believe?  The blame game.... he's alone because of you, and then you miraculously have the power to cause him a stroke and crash his car.  Wow, I didn't realise you were superhuman OR.  Ah yes, and his part is... zero, zilch.  I think not. 

As an adult I can see this.... as a 13 year old, no I couldn't see it at all.  I feel it's brilliant that you listen to her... I can imagine how difficult that is for you too, to be able to see all this going on....  Even if cutting was "fashionable", I don't feel too surprised she is turning to cutting to help her cope.  Maybe when she next talks to you about her dad, it may help to say he is a responsible adult... he is responsible for himself, it may help to talk about personal responsibility.

I won't even pretend I have any answers OR, but one thing I do feel is that not only is she going through the usual 13 year olds turmoil (as Plucky said), she's also dealing with an emotionally manipulative dad.... maybe next time she says how tough her life is, what about giving her a hug and empathising with her how tough her life is.  Your her Mum OR, and you know her best.

Take care

H&H xx

[onlyrenting]

Plucky

Also, your daughter might not be missing her actual father.  She might be missing the father she wishes she had, and trying to check in with him from time to time to see if he really is that father in any way. 

I think this is a bulls eye........ I would believe her dreams are shattered but not unexpected.
I asked her today if he told her about any more surgeries, she said yes he will have his elbows done on Monday.
I explained how it would be nice if he would come here so he would not be alone, she said he might want to after a few years when his recoveries are done.
I'm trying to give her hope, not that I would want to ever see him.

HH

D, misses her dad, she wants to be loyal, she feels sorry for him as he reminds her how alone he is because
I caused the distance between them causing him a stroke which lead to him crashing his car.

Is this what he is telling her, not what you believe? 

This is the crazy stuff he tells her, I know it's not true. I'm sure he was on his meds when he crashed the car.

He over reacted about something D said to him and stayed in the bed room for a 1week telling us how he wanted to die from a blood clot.
This was very upsetting to us, the more we wanted him to get up and walk around after the surgery
( 1 yr ago today) the more he wanted to punish us by not moving, reminding us how not moving would settle the blood in his lungs causing a stroke.  We moved out of  state 7 weeks later.
He crashed the car about 3 mos after we left, telling D someone died in the crash and he found himself in the hospital.

( I have a friend that writes me and sees him riding his bike, she also sent me a picture of the crashed car. The passenger side near the hood in front of the door is missing, doesn't look like a deadly crash and the car still runs. She said he's not walking with this cane. I can't say too much to D about all of this or she may tell him I have people that tell me what they see. )   
 
HH

it may help to say he is a responsible adult... he is responsible for himself, it may help to talk about personal responsibility.

13 year olds turmoil (as Plucky said), she's also dealing with an emotionally manipulative dad....

 maybe next time she says how tough her life is, what about giving her a hug and empathizing with her how tough her life is.

I agree HH taking responsibility for your own actions, is a must even if her N-dad never does maybe she will learn how to recognize the distruction this attitude has for yourself as well has the hurt to those around you.
getting her away from this poor attitude of his is the best thing for her.

I do empathize with her and will keep in mind how important this is, keeping my mouth in check to say the loving things she needs right now. 

Personally I'd love to one day see the court files on their divorce and custody of me, but whether I can actually get this information or not will remain to be seen in the future.

I learned from the court there is already a date in place for the custody papers to be destroyed
when D is 18teen

HH

I may not have very long to live....

My N-ex H, learned this well from his N- mother, she has been telling him how shes going to die for years.


Thanks for the reply 10:30 I have to call the courts wish me luck to keep custody, I'm pretty sure the courts will not make me move back to CA.     ............OR
 

[Healing&Hopeful]

Good luck with the courts today OR... fingers crossed everything goes ok.  H&H xx

[onlyrenting]

HH thanks for the good wishes,

Update nothing is changing for now...
Mediator spoke with all 3 of us, each separately.

I spoke with her about the inappropriate letters from her dad, and needed her help to inform the courts.
She said she would ask for his phone calls, emails and letters to be screened.
She reminded me how she already asked him not to give D, details about his health and said because he would not head her request she would make sure the judge is aware of his behavior.

She was really pushing to help me I was expecting there was not alot I could do, so she was kinda pist that H ignored her request.
I also re mined her 2mos ago  how he refused to pick up the court papers to read them before he went in front of the judge, and  they had to give him their copy.
He sat there reading while the judge made his ruling, he must have been stunned as he read learning he  had lost custody. All his lies to the mediator didn't work, the judge was short and sweet telling him if he understood page 7 ?
He says "Well wait I'm just now reading the court papers", I could hear him on the speaker phone the Judge was pist at that point telling him, he was mailed the papers and ignored them  and in the future he had better comply with the rules of the court. Now he has the mediator mad at him for ignoring her, I told her he will do what ever he wants, when he wants and I would appreciate any help from her.

She asked me about the T for D, I explained about the cutting and we talked about how kids are doing this everywhere and she believes D's  cutting was more of a whats in fashion. She talked to D about it too.

So for now I will be in CA on the 31st, I will keep custody with supervised visits. 


got to go    ....OR

[Hopalong]

OR,

You are a VERY GOOD mother and you and D are going to grow strong through all of this.

I am so glad the mediator wasn't fooled.

You do have right on your side.

Big hugs to you and to her,

Hopalong

[andromeda]

OR -

You are doing a fantastic job. Hang in there.

Sometimes I think the emotional firestorms of adolescense are like all the unexpressed emotions of the family coming to the surface...at the same time. It would be so tough to be in your daughters shoes: all the stuff about being 13 that Plucky highlighted and I TOTALLY echo - and on top of that, the sense of home all turned upside down...

Plucky hit it, too, with the 'broken fantasy of dad'...Most of my grieving for my marriage was grieving for the broken fantasy of ex-H - he presented himself as this wonderful guy while we were dating and then once we were married, he turned into somebody else. I rationalized and rationalized, twisted my mind round and round to hang on to that image of him as the One True Love...and finally, he started to beat me up, and that broke the picture. I had to see the reality of it. I imagine that would be a HUGE challenge if this was my Dad...and I was negotiating all the turbulence of 13...

Remember, OR, that both you and she are way more resilient than you might think. You can, and will, make it through these troubled waters. Remember too to nourish yourself on this journey. You have your own troubled waters to swim here.

Hang in there lady - you are a great one.

Andromeda