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Re: A Who in Grinchville? Lost in lostville is where I am.

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Gabriel:
Hi, Acapella.  I was sorry to read about the suffering you’ve endured and wanted to let you know that there is good reason for hope.  As a representative of www.wearesaved.org, I thought I’d offer a response that directly answers some of your most fundamental questions.  Is there a better place? Is anyone right?  What is a better relationship?  The answer to these questions, Acapella, is yes.  WE who ARE S.A.V.E.D. (Strongly Advocating Vulnerability Every Day) want to let everyone know that a world of vastly improved relationships will unfold if people begin to fully embrace the wisdom of Emotional Honesty.

When we use the term Emotional Honesty, we aren’t talking about the mere willingness to talk about what you are feeling with others.  True Emotional Honesty requires that we admit the truth about the great depth of our need for approval.  It means admitting that you can be easily hurt by any hint of criticism.  It means admitting that you are ultimately at the mercy of the opinions and comments of others.  It’s the kind of honesty about personal vulnerability that any sane individual would find extremely frightening unless she knew that the exact same thing is true about everyone else.

At our web site, we focus primarily on the impact that a universal commitment to Emotional Honesty would have on social relations, but the impact it has on intimate relationships is probably the bigger story.  For it is only within intimate relationships that human beings are able to achieve an ideal satisfaction of a collection of very important physical and emotional needs.  Indeed, when intimate partners are able to keep themselves constantly focused on their shared vulnerability and pure dependence on each other, it becomes possible for them to experience a level of Relationship Ecstasy that most people today can only dream about.  Yes, Acapella, there is a better place where we can be if we are willing to face up to the truth about what is inside of us.

The “better relationship” that is possible for us to experience is ultimately dependent on our willingness to make ourselves utterly dependent—emotionally—on our intimate partners.  That is a prospect that many people who are married fear greatly.  They feel that the less dependent they are on others, the better off they will be.  They are afraid of intimacy because they fear the emotional pain they know they would feel if their intimate partners were ever to leave them.

People who feel this way SHOULD NEVER GET MARRIED.  We can’t have it both ways.  If we want to enjoy the wonderful fruits of intimacy, we have to be willing to expose ourselves to the risk of great pain.  You cannot experience the joy it bestows otherwise.  If protecting yourself from that Ultimate Pain is more important to you, then you should never allow anyone to think that you are committed to them, for you will simply be using them in an ultimate act of victim-generating selfishness.

Why do intimate relationships fail so often to fulfill their promise?  In most cases, the cause can be traced to the collection of “values” that people typically embrace when they are in social environments.  In the typical social environment, many people are able to reach a certain comfort zone of interaction with others that leaves them feeling mostly unthreatened.  What these people don’t realize is that their feelings of security are heavily dependent upon their ability to keep the attention of others focused away from their own personal vulnerabilities.  We are happy to discuss almost any topic, as long as the topic isn’t our own emotional vulnerability.  We especially enjoy talking about other people’s imperfections because attention is then distracted away from our own.

When men and women enter into intimate relationships with each other, the comfort zone they enjoyed in the social environment in which they met begins to quickly melt away.  When less of their attention is focused on others and more of it is focused on each other, it becomes more and more difficult for them to hide their imperfections from each other.  Unkind commentary is certainly not appreciated, but it’s not just expressed criticism that bothers us.  A woman could be completely innocent of even thinking some critical judgment of her husband, but if he fears she might be thinking it, he may very well launch a counterattack to defend himself from the criticism he expects, thus starting a cycle of retaliation.

Intimate relationships are a special challenge for most people because the truth about human emotional needs becomes laid bare.  As intimate partners begin to defend themselves from the criticism they fear by “criticizing back”, pain is inflicted and the anger instinct can become quite easily aroused.  Nothing hurts us more than being the target of another human being’s anger.  If couples rely on their anger instincts to defend themselves, their intimate relationships are guaranteed to fail, as they will soon become bitter enemies.

The strategies that people typically employ in the social environment do not work in intimate relationships, but destroy them instead.  If WE who ARE S.A.V.E.D. are able to accomplish our goals, the values of the social environment will begin to change, eventually becoming identical with the natural values of intimacy.  People will no longer be encouraged by the social environment to behave in ways that end up destroying their intimate relationships.

Better relationships, Acapella, are created when two people are able to intentionally present an Image of Vulnerability to each other at all times instead of an Image of Threat.  When we are able to perceive only each other’s vulnerability, we will no longer perceive a need to defend ourselves and are able to listen to each other as caring friends, instead of as wounded enemies.  CHANGING THOSE PERCEPTIONS IS EVERYTHING.

Obviously, men are going to find the idea of Emotional Honesty more difficult to warm up to than women.  Their socialization encourages them to try to protect themselves from emotional pain by steadfastly denying that they have any emotional needs that might make it logical for them to seek out a committed love relationship.  What they need to learn is that they’ve been fearing the wrong thing.  What they really ought to be fearing are the efforts of other men to perpetuate the myth that some people—like them—are immune to the pain of rejection.  With a bit of courage, they can begin to confront those other men who are making it tough on everyone else with their refusal to admit the truth about themselves.

WE who ARE S.A.V.E.D. look forward to a New Day when the world finally becomes Safe for Emotional Vulnerability...


Gabriel

communications.officer@wearesaved.org

Acappella:
Yikes Gabriel,

thank you for responding.
sounds achingly excellent oh, yeah and did i mention scares the heck outta me!? Where be that vulnerability Emoticon?

Things come to my mind like..."you first", "turtle without a shell", "we'll be like corralled sheep with wolves circling - easily located, identified and consumed". And then I remember I am not a sheep, nor a turtle & consider those analogies are my fear talking - the training in which I learned vulnerability = weakness. And I also wonder, "Am i naive to ignore that training?" Perhaps the We are S.A.V.E.D. idea/feeling is not to ignore that training but just to better understand the motive and vulnerability behind it? As if once we admit our vulnerability, face that fear, then the fear/anticipation is lessened and thereby weakening the weapon and shield that fear becomes & the perceived need for a weapon at all?

In addition to my apprehension, I very much like the We are S.A.V.E.D content.

the following two quotes describe some of my response to the Emotional Honesty proposal better than i can for now....


--- Quote ---What happens when the light first pierces the dark dampness in which we have waited?
We are slapped and cut loose.
And, if we are lucky there is someone there to catch us
and to persuade us we are safe.
DM
--- End quote ---



The following quote is dialogue between a man and a woman - in a movie - duh, where else would such eloquent sincerity and emotional honesty (if I get your meaning right?) take place?


--- Quote ---Madeline: I feel you know what it is like to be without happiness but do you know what it is like to be afraid of it?
To see the world as so conniving you cannot take pleasure in the appearance of something good because you suspect it is only a painted drop behind which other troubles lie?
That has been my life - every good thing has been a trick.
Until you.
Yet I am afraid to take your hand.
What if you cannot or will not save me?
I can bare to maltreated by the greedy or the weak ..but to be let down by an angel?

Nicholas: I am not an angel.
I live as far from that lofty perch as any man: Temper low, my patience ......
Perhaps I should not list all my faults in case I am too persuasive.
You are the one that is so admirably able and strong.

Madeline: I am tired of being strong.

Nicholas: As am I. Weakness is tiring but strength is exhausting.
You see, I cannot save you for I need saving too

Madeline: What are you proposing?

Nicholas: Only this - that we save ourselves together.
D.M.
--- End quote ---
Acappella

Gabriel:

--- Quote ---"...the training in which I learned vulnerability = weakness. And I also wonder, "Am i naive to ignore that training?" Perhaps the We are S.A.V.E.D. idea/feeling is not to ignore that training but just to better understand the motive and vulnerability behind it? As if once we admit our vulnerability, face that fear, then the fear/anticipation is lessened and thereby weakening the weapon and shield that fear becomes & the perceived need for a weapon at all?"
--- End quote ---


You are exactly right, Acappella.  The Emotional Honesty approach that we advocate does not encourage people to ignore their fears, but to confront them, instead.  Trying to wish away your need for approval is a waste of time.  If you were stranded on an island and were beginning to get very hungry, it wouldn’t make much sense for you to deal with the pain of hunger by trying to wish away your need for food, but that’s exactly what people—especially men—have been doing for centuries in response to the emotional pain they’ve experienced.  The only rational way to respond to any fear is to simply invest yourself in an effort to take care of the problem that the fear is alerting you to.

The Fear Instinct is a biological “program” that is triggered automatically by certain kinds of experiences / perceptions.  It awakens whenever we experience pain but it can also be triggered by sensory events like disorientation or very loud, unexpected noises.  When children first experience thunder they are understandably terrified because their brains do not understand the true nature of threat that the child might be facing.  The Fear Instinct needs “reassurance” in order for it to go away.  In time—with more experience and some reassuring words of explanation by parents and others—the child “learns” that it is not the thunder that poses any threat, but only the lightening, and that the lightening is only a threat when one is not protected by adequate shelter.  When repeated experience validates the explanations provided, the Fear Instinct dissipates.

The result is that the child becomes less and less afraid over time, and might even develop a confidence in his safety whenever a storm approaches.  Similarly, when we’ve come to see the behavior of others [and ourselves] through the lens of Emotional Honesty, we learn that there is really no reason for us to fear the fact that we are emotionally vulnerable; but only the efforts that other people make to hide theirs from us.  Vulnerability is scary if is perceived to be exceptional; it is reassuring if we see that it is universal.  In both cases, acquired knowledge makes fear go away.  We learn when it makes sense for us to fear our vulnerability (thunder) and when it doesn’t.  Our fears thus become more specific and context-appropriate.  We retain the appropriate fears that actually protect us from danger and lose the irrational ones that will disappear when logic begins to provide reassurance.

So yes, Acapella, if we confront our fear of emotional vulnerability we will be delivered from it and will discover that we can be quite courageous about our “weakness” in a way that no one can challenge….

Gabriel
communications.officer@wearesaved.org
www.wearesaved.org

Portia:
Post 20

Anonymous:
Hi Portia!

(I hope I spelled your name correctly :oops: )

It saddens me that you were not able to see the sincerity of our efforts when you visited our web site.  Could it be that you did not actually read through the explanations we provide?

In your reference to God and Pay Pal you seem to be suggesting that we are trying to insinuate that we are speaking for God.  Would that be correct?  If that is your fear, then I can assure you that we are making no such claim.  We do not deny, however, that we believe that the message of Emotional Honesty is one that God wants all people to hear and ultimately benefit from.

I must confess that I do not understand your use of the word “hypnotised.”  Perhaps you could elaborate on that point a bit?

You seem to be especially suspicious, Portia, of the fact that we are soliciting contributions.  If you try reading through the web site, you’ll find that we make it quite clear why we are accepting contributions.  We have ambitious plans to improve the lives of the victims of the world and it is going to take money to do that.  We ask that people give us the tools to make some wonderful thing happen.

Your cynicism is understandable, but if our goal was simply personal enrichment, why would we choose to create such an elaborate ruse when there are much simpler ways to rip people off through the internet that are much more appealing to the average person?

Because we launched the www.wearesaved.org website only a couple of weeks ago, we have not yet received enough revenue to even bother setting up the Finances page that we plan eventually to include on the web site.  You appear to be a little too invested in your cynicism to believe anything that I tell you, Portia, but I will nevertheless inform you that we intend to make all of our financial data publicly available on our website for any and all to see.

The one thing we do plan to keep hidden from the public eye is the identity of the individual who has authored most of the content of the web site.  He says the Message is what is important, not the messenger.  Some of us have questioned whether or not this is a good idea, but we have all agreed to honor his request.

I’m so sorry that you can’t see who we really are, Portia.  

Perhaps later…

Gabriel
communications.officer@wearesaved.org

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