Realisation.... learned coping techniques?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Do any of you notice coping techniques you learned as a child which you still do today?  

The reason I'm asking is that since starting to post here and what is happening with my job, I realised something else that I do too.

Instead of addressing and confronting a problem, I hide away.  Like with my current job, I wasn't really happy with it so I started reading voicelessness and reading loads of info about it.  When I was a child I used to hide away by reading, my escapism.  And I think that's what I still do.  It's a surviving technique that I learned while growing up which isn't beneficial to me now.

At my previous job I was really competent, much more so than I am in this role, but because I don't really get any recognision as my current boss gets all the praise, so I feel invisable.  Because I feel invisable, I start to read websites.  I've copied and pasted so much info on N's and how they work which I sit and read.

It's the same as when I saw the new manager, I didn't feel very confident so I didn't ask many questions.  I kind of went into interview mode where I can tell people my strengths but I don't really believe it myself.

Another thing I'm worried about is that the new job is much more telephone contact.  I'm not very confident on the phone and prefer to use email, however my new boss has explained that it is very much a telephone role as the project manager's are out on site and don't have access to email as much.

Just bouncing around some thoughts really.... H&H xx

[miss piggy]

Hi H&H,

Yes, books are my best friends! 

I still would rather avoid confrontation, but I'm more able to face certain problems more quickly than before.  I still retreat, but am quicker to think through how important the issue is.  If it matters a lot, I try gentle assertion.  If that doesn't work and it's still important, I get a little louder. 

I am accepting that this is a valid approach.  I think in terms of silver bullets.  Some people automatically go into fight mode but I think over time this loses effectiveness.  I'm pretty gratified in one conflict I had last year that because I usually hold my fire, when I did shoot, the group at large took notice and backed me up when the other party complained.  I had credibility because of it.  I hope this makes sense.

My sense from your email is that you don't know you have rights.  Your parents probably taught you that you didn't have the right to speak up for your needs.  This is my issue too.  Now that I'm older and have gotten therapy, I understand this part of me much better.  We do have rights and can speak up for them appropriately. 

Funny thing, I'm really comfortable on the telephone.  I don't phone up friends a lot but in business, I'm somehow able to connect in that context and be of service.  If your colleagues are in the field, working alone, you become a steady regular presence that's on their side.  So they like calling.  If you prove to be dependable, they notice right away.  So you will be recognized. 

Anyway, don't be nervous!  This shy girl could do it and you can too!  MP

[darky]

well as a child i was always out, for as long as i can remember, i hated staying in. i used to go round mates houses all the time, stay the night, be invited or invite myself for tea and used to feel warm with getting affection from others, whilst feeling confused my family life wasnt like that. i still rememeber feeling very confused about what was "normal" , still am! now i have turned to food and spending money for comfort  

[CeeMee]

H&H

Just a warning about email at work.  Email is not private at work.  You do know that they have access to all that and it is probably not gone when you delete it.   

It sounds like you are  coping/escaping which is necessary for a period of time before getting up and taking action.  Getting adjusted to the change will take time but you will be every bit as competent in this role as you were in your previous one.

My escape is watching movies.  It was a nice escape this weekend to see the new film Chronicles of Narnia.  I didn't think I was going to like it but absolutely loved it.  That was a wonderful escape. 

Darky, that was really interesting what you wrote.  As a kid, my cousin bounced from one friends house to another.  When she visited me, it was hard to get her to leave.  She could make herself comfortable in any foreign environment while I was a scared rabbit outside my own bedroom.  I always admired that about her. 

Food and spending are comforting until I get sick or find myself in debt.  One thing that I find comforting that doesn't have such a backlash is cleaning.  I can clean till I drop and feel so at peace with my clean house. 

Don't worry Darky, we are all still trying to figure out "Normal"   With all of us working on it, I'm sure we'll have an answer soon 

CeeMee

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya all

Thanks CeeMee... yes I am aware that IT can see a lot of things at work, but one of the reasons I like email means that I can look back and know exactly what I said, or what they said.  You know, lots of times when someone says that you didn't tell them something, you can go back and say, well actually I did and here it is.

Thanks for the vote of confidence MP.... yes, I am shy too and lack confidence in myself so I am hoping it will help in that area.  I did used to be quite confident (used to work as a receptionist for about 4 years), but it just seems to be within the last year or so that I've lost my confidence on the phone.

I did do something today though, with this kind of thing in mind.....  I was thinking about my current relationship with Mum.  It's very rare she rings me.  This week has really brought it to light as I got a new job, and my brother got a new job at the beginning of the week.  I knew my brother was going for a medical and assessment on Tuesday for this new job, so on Wednesday I rang up but he was a work, however Mum said it went well and they just need to organise a starting date for this.  I'd emailed my brother to ask him to let me know how it went before Christmas but didn't hear anything back.  Sorry, I'm probably going off on one here... I'll try to get to the point.  I was thinking about what was happening now and realising why I don't feel worthwhile to my family.  Because I got offered a job I rang Mum, 1. to find out how my brother did and 2. to tell her about the possibility of my new job.  Again it's one sided with me doing the running... My brother didn't think to let me know and my parents didn't think to give me a ring about how he got on.  I spoke to Mum again today and halfway through the conversation I told her I'd definitely got this new job... she said "why didn't you tell me at the start of the conversation?"  I was tempted to reply "because you never asked", but I just said "well, we were talking about other things".   So I ring up to find out about them, and I ring up to tell them what's happening with me.... but it's not returned.  If I don't ring up and Mum rings me, it's to find out why I haven't rung and she thinks something is wrong.

So today, when the conversation was closing I said... ok then Mum, I'll let you ring me next time... and she said "ok then... take care".

Time to watch this space 

[Hopalong]

That was a smart thing to do H & H.
I hope in some way you can get focused in your present life (new job! great husband!) and distract yourself from it so thoroughly that you really DON'T "watch the space..."

Because I don't want you to be hurt if it takes her 10 months, 10 years, never, whatever.

I hope you can let go and blow on that little coal of happiness you carry.

Your "happy capacity." You've really got it, I know you do.

Love,
Hopalong