Removing My Sunglasses

[Surrounded]

I have always hated wearing sunglasses......not being able to see everything as clearly.........I am beginning to see why now.

I ALREADY had some on!!!! 

 I am beginning to be aware of all the mind games and manipulations from those I have allowed to be around me on a daily basis and I realize I have been trying to haze over all their behaviors to just get by.  Allowing them to bully me with words and actions and get away with it because I chose not to see it for what it was!!!  Unbelievable. 

Now that I see more clearly, and more clearly every day, I absolutely want to vomit.  They really are SO predictable!  It would almost be funny if it didn't make me so crazy!  They really are sad human beings aren't they????

I am trying to make plans to get away from an awful N of a H,, (who is an Son  of a N [or B--you choose]---literally)  and I feel the words  "GETOUT!"  on the tip of my tongue at almost every moment.

I am struggling now with perserverance because I feel sick most of the day.   H won't leave me alone, really,  he makes up excuses to be around me or have me around him.  If I don't do everything just so, and allow him to control me, then he pouts and I fear I may "let loose"  on him too early.   I feel like a jerk for having to be this way to him.  I have never liked being phony, but I realize I HAVE been phony for staying in this lie for so long. 

I strongly feel I  must do things to protect me and my kids  before I FINALLY make my move.  Just one more day, or week, or month.  But in my newfound strength of knowledge I am finding I am losing any patience for planning, learning, coping.......

I fight most inside about breaking up the family.  I feel like most will believe it is all my fault.  He actually complimented me in front of his N mom today (they were he pushing me around together today--whopee!) because I think he fears the worst and is trying to make himself look good, so when I drop the bomb, he can say to others-----

-I was so kind to her----you saw it.  (He loves to do that stuff--I just never realized what he was up to)

I wanted to smack him, as I do most of the time cause I see right through him now.  Don't know sometimes if I am grateful for my new-found X-ray vision.  It seems to rot to see it so clearly now and not be able to do anything just yet about it,  but I know it's a blessing that I need to make the most of.

Thanks for letting me vent....again.
 

[Hopalong]

It's that lightbulb moment.
Terribly painful but exhilarating at the same time.

Hold on to your survival strategies, there'll be time for exploding later.
(Trust me...it is also very hard AFTER you erupt if you still have to stay there a while...)

Hope you can wear yourself out with good exercise and find safer places to vent.

Somehow anger can feed anger, I know that, but other times it seems cleansing.

Sending support...

Hopalong

[surrounded as guest]

jacmac---somehow, I tend to think my kids would be relieved too---all six of them.  Even as young as they are 14, 12, 10, 8, 7 and 18 months.  It's the guilt I struggle with.  But also somehow i realize the guilt won't be half as bad as living with this jerk and I will make it through.  We will make it through together.

Hopalong:  I try to exercise it out---6 miles today  on treadmill.  (It does help my self esteem and my anger some)  Of course I kept wanting to stop only because I was afraid of making him mad, but I stayed on for all 6 as planned.  Guess I have to run harder to make it go away.  Ooops, that's the problem, I have been running away from too much for too many years!  

Time for a change--eh?
 

[mum]

((((((((surrounded))))))))))))))sweetie!
Please know that you are strong and smart and you don't have to take on the guilt others may pile on you.....you simply don't have to take it on.  No one really knows what it's like to live your life but YOU. You get to choose, you get to decide. You don't have to give up your soul and spirit to be a good mother OR a good person, no matter WHAT your childhood, your religion, your N abuse had you previously believing (pick one or several....)
YOU GET TO CHOOSE. IT"S YOUR LIFE.
I remember the awful feeling of being "sneaky" knowing full well I would leave my ex but getting some ducks in line first....oh the guilt....and yet did he feel ONE MOMENT of guilt for having sex with someone else for months and lying about it for months....not one bit....or for being so controlling and jealous and mean and disrespectful to me? Nope.
So don't do it to yourself, girl. YOU DESERVE A GOOD LIFE.
Don't worry about other's opinions about you.....your opinion matters most now.
Sending you love and light!!!

[Plucky]

Hi Surrounded,
I'm so glad you continue towards the light.  I understand completely about the guilt and the difficulty in keeping it mum.  You are accustomed, you were raised, to be totally forthright.  That makes it easier for the Ns to control you.   It's hard to break away from that and from the guilt of not providing that easy supply.

I know your children are so important to you.  Try to think of it as saving them.  If a killer broke unto your home and threatened you and your children, would you lie to save them?  It is the exact same thing.  Your H will not hesitate to deprive you and the kids of even basic needs  in order to have more himself, or for any other reason.  He would not hesitate a moment.  He would never lose sleep over it.   He would even think he was right.

Visualise yourself as a spy working undercover to save humanity.  Visualise your H as a fire hydrant when he talks to you.  Try to disengage as much as possible.  Think through in advance to all of the things that will happen if you spill the beans.  Visualise yourself living in a hovel with them and going through a long painful court battle. 

Most of all,  try to disconnect your emotions from your H.  When he opens his mouth, flip a switch inside.  You can listen or not, but don't let his words and intentions in your mind.

Hope this helps.  I am pulling for you.
Plucky

[Surrounded]

mum!!!!  Good to hear from you!

childhood...religion....N abuse...... I choose all three.   I am standing up to all at once.  It is certainly making life interesting.  Thanks so much for the support. 

And Plucky-----totally digging your Trojan Horse analogy.   (I know, another thread)       Beautiful.  Hit it right on the head.   Simply brilliant. 

H goes through so many manuevers to keep control now, the talking, the hugging, the pouting, the moping.  Pretending to care.  I don't, I guess I never did.   Ouch.  Actually admitting I married him for anything but love.   Ooooh...almost too much to bear.  Actually found someone who fit all my N parents needs and someone I thought might be able to provide, unlike my father.  It is so clear now why I did it.  It has taken quite a while to figure out why I married someone like this.   Now I am just trying to untangle the mess I have made.

And I DO care so much about my kids.  My oldest is and always has been very N.  It is even now more pronounced as she is dealing with teens.  She is butting heads with her Dad bad cause she is balking, too, at his control.  So he, too is scrambling on several fronts for control.  I don't blame her.  He just claims he can deal with her.  Like he is God or something.  Right.  It has helped me to see how he plays with my mind though.  This is proving interesting as he has met his match.  I won't let him break her will though.    I just hope her N isms will come more into check as she gets older.  She is very un-empathetic.  Which worries me some.  Anyway, THAT is another subject for another time, I think.

Look at me, babbling again.

Thanks to ALL!!