I have always hated wearing sunglasses......not being able to see everything as clearly.........I am beginning to see why now.
I ALREADY had some on!!!!
I am beginning to be aware of all the mind games and manipulations from those I have allowed to be around me on a daily basis and I realize I have been trying to haze over all their behaviors to just get by. Allowing them to bully me with words and actions and get away with it because I chose not to see it for what it was!!! Unbelievable.
Now that I see more clearly, and more clearly every day, I absolutely want to vomit. They really are SO predictable! It would almost be funny if it didn't make me so crazy! They really are sad human beings aren't they????
I am trying to make plans to get away from an awful N of a H,, (who is an Son of a N [or B--you choose]---literally) and I feel the words "GETOUT!" on the tip of my tongue at almost every moment.
I am struggling now with perserverance because I feel sick most of the day. H won't leave me alone, really, he makes up excuses to be around me or have me around him. If I don't do everything just so, and allow him to control me, then he pouts and I fear I may "let loose" on him too early. I feel like a jerk for having to be this way to him. I have never liked being phony, but I realize I HAVE been phony for staying in this lie for so long.
I strongly feel I must do things to protect me and my kids before I FINALLY make my move. Just one more day, or week, or month. But in my newfound strength of knowledge I am finding I am losing any patience for planning, learning, coping.......
I fight most inside about breaking up the family. I feel like most will believe it is all my fault. He actually complimented me in front of his N mom today (they were he pushing me around together today--whopee!) because I think he fears the worst and is trying to make himself look good, so when I drop the bomb, he can say to others-----
-I was so kind to her----you saw it. (He loves to do that stuff--I just never realized what he was up to)
I wanted to smack him, as I do most of the time cause I see right through him now. Don't know sometimes if I am grateful for my new-found X-ray vision. It seems to rot to see it so clearly now and not be able to do anything just yet about it, but I know it's a blessing that I need to make the most of.
Thanks for letting me vent....again.