Gaslighting

[bean as guest]

I just love reading through the older posts and I found this one that made me laugh.  Some advice on how to deal with the Gaslighting techniques of your N:


"I remember reading in a parenting book (!), "when you start arguing [with your 2-year-old], you've lost."  Here's what I do when I'm with a previous identified N:

1. The intruder alert signal goes off...beep, beep, beep.  Then when the lips start moving: OOGAH!  Incoming!!    Take cover.  Raise your invisible BS shield. 

2. Do NOT take the bait.  I repeat.  Do NOT take the bait. 
One cannot reason with irrationality.   

3. I respond with a neutral "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "Thank you for sharing that with me," "Good luck with that," or "Hmmm, fascinating."   

4. Change the subject.  If this doesn't work, repeat step #3   as many times as you need to.  Then go to the bathroom.   

5.  When all else fails, set lasers to stun.       

6. Clear.

Over and out, S."

I'd be interested to hear others phrases.  I just can't get enough in my arsenal it seems...

[Plucky]

Good topic!
Here are my coping phrases.
- Mmmmmm.
- How about that.  (Said with no curiousity whatever.)
- Ummmmm.  Could you repeat that?  (This helps when the statement is so out there that even the N will hesitate to repeat it and may get stuck rephrasing.)
- I didn't know that.
- (Say nothing.   If he/she asks if you heard, say yes I heard.  You said that you were the first man on the moon.)
- Really.   (Not a question.)

I'd love to hear other peoples'.
Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

With my n dad my whole side of the conversation was.....

Uh huh.... mmmmmmmmm.... uh huh..... oh right..... (for about an hour and a half)

Then I either had to leave the room
Or if on the telephone, ring the doorbell, get H to ring my mobile or some other such distraction to get him off the phone.

Mind numbingly dull!

[mum]

IN my head: (what ever fits, repeated over and over while they talk)
do not engage
I do not care
it doesn't matter
unbelievable b***s****(although that usually shows on my face)

OUT of my mouth:
yes, I got the message
interesting perspective
NO
Hmmmm
Well, we are all entitled to our opinions
I disagree
(and when asked if I was a robot because I didn't respond emotionally to exN's bullying:) Apparantly so.

[solayads]

Very funny stuff!!!!   Hahahahahaha 

[mum]

ooooooh, Jacmac: BRILLIANT!!! I am using this starting immediately!

[seasons]

very funny...

thanks for sharing

[solayads]

Hiya Jacmac:

I like the "mental grocery list" thing!  That more entertaining than listening to an N run off at the mouth!

[Cadbury]

I am getting better at this since I have been forced to see my exN every week. Now I take a book on calculus and when he speaks I look up with the pen poised. That stops a lot of conversation. Especially when he says "oh, you're busy" and I say "yes, is it important?".

Other things I use are:

hmmmmmmmmm, yes.... (as others do )
I don't think that is appropriate ... (to weird N things)
That is irrelevant
I don't agree... (important: don't give a reason! I just don't)


My favourite when I feel particuarly brave is

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening...

[miss piggy]

Hey everyone!  Great lists!

Cadbury: good point about not giving reasons--it just feeds them more stuff to argue about.

My H and I agree that when we are around Ns esp. Ndad, we feel like one of those "bobble head" thingies.  You know, like the toy German Shepherd on the rear window of some cars.  The head is on a spring, bobbing up and down.  Uh huh, uh huh...

Thanks for keeping the fun in dysfunctional!     MP

[solayads]

Hi All:

IN my head: (what ever fits, repeated over and over while they talk)
do not engage
I do not care
it doesn't matter
unbelievable b***s****(although that usually shows on my face)

OUT of my mouth:
yes, I got the message
interesting perspective
NO
Hmmmm
Well, we are all entitled to our opinions
I disagree
(and when asked if I was a robot because I didn't respond emotionally to exN's bullying:) Apparantly so.

Very amusing!!!!!   

I take it that the key is to "tune em out" whenever possible.  This saves us all the headache of being subjected to the constant lies.

Thanks for the helpful suggestions!


Solayads

[Cadbury]

Yes... the disinterested appearance is the best tool I have with my exN. At first it took every ounce of strength I had to keep it up, but it is beginning to get easier.

Yesterday when I had to see exN (tithead) we had:

TH: Did you really used to like my handwriting?

(he does things like this at the moment, where he tries to remind me of things we have done together etc)

Me: What?

(looking up from book I pretend to read. Also, pretending I cannot remember anything about our relationship as if it were the most insignificant thing I have ever done helps too )

TH: You used to say you loved my handwriting
Me:Did I? How funny, I can't remember that at all

(looking suitably bemused and turning back to my book)

DISINTEREST is the single biggest factor in dealing with him. Nothing else has ever worked. At times I do lose it and start to engage, buit those times are getting fewer.... Ihope

[Hopalong]

Great insight, Cadbury (and so good to hear you're suviving your contacts with so little contact...you are doing a champ job. It's good to hear about you.)

he tries to remind me of things we have done together etc...

I realize that's one of NMom's behaviors too. It would seem like natural elderly reminiscing except it's like a tape...and seems intended to have me saying Yes, Yes, Yes. I guess that's natural too but there is something off about it.

It might because I don't sense her taking any genuine pleasure herself in re-experiencing a pleasant memory. She seems to be just narrating for the purpose of getting me to affirm that she's talking, and focus my attention as though she were telling an absorbing story. Which it's not, ever, because her affect is so "off." She has the same demeanor relating major tragedy and minor gossip...no expression change, no voice change. It's all the same, a kind of flat tone with no animation. No emotional content to it, just word quantity...

Pick pick pick. I hope one day to be absorbed in something more interesting than the inner workings of Ns, but i guess there's been liberation in it. I'm just really looking forward to burn up the PhD in Narcissism and try to get out of high school in happy relationships.

Hops

[penelope]

somebody mentioned gaslighting, so I dug up this old thread.  It's intriguing to me for some reason.

Maybe cause my sisters have done it to me my whole life.

pb

[Certain Hope]

Hi Pb... I'm reading... and cooking... just wondered, how many sisters and what sorta things did they do to gaslight you?

Hope