Many Lives, Many Masters

[pink]

Hey Lucy, how is it that some Ns have this "deep and spiritual" thing going on? It kind of drives me crazy. 

[lucy]

Well, Pink, they could win awards for their acting skills...it's all a facade

[pink]

Wow. That's just plain creepy. . . . ! 

[mum]

Let's face it Pink, anything N's do gets creepy. My last exN liked to say he "didn't believe we have souls", but he mostly said that for the shock effect......he was all about creating a scene and getting attention. Actually, I think he's hoping we don't have souls or he will find his drunken, ego driven existance was all for naught...

[spyralle]

My ex N thought that I was a "do gooder sad F**k" (his words.... delivered in public I might add,. because I believed we had souls and wanted to be compassionate...  I think mum's got a point...  How can you treat people like sh*t and believe in souls all at the same time.  That would mean you would have to feel guilty for heavens sake...

[Chicken]

What a f**king knob that man was... 
What a horrible piece of sh*t...  How come people around you didn't twig his behaviour?  If I ever heard a man talk like that about his girlfriend, and I have come across so many men who put their wives/girlfriends down in public, but it always stops me in my tracks and I am gobsmacked at how they get away with it... 

[Chicken]

Hi Gang,
It's me again.

I am feeling so unbelievably strange today, I felt the need to off load here...  I don't know if it's because I have my head in this book or where it comes from.  It very well may be that, because when I read I get so into the world of the book, my imagination soars.

Anyway, I have an overwhelming urge to escape.  I wondered if I felt like going out drinking, but it's not that.  I feel like I want to leave my body and leave this world.  I can't say I'm really enjoying it.  It's not what i thought it would be and it never will.  Please, before anyone freaks out and thinks I am going to commit suicide, don't worry I am not.  I am not feeling suicidal.  I'm not talking about death...

I just feel like life is never how you dream it to be.  I guess my hopes have been dashed too many times and this is the last moment before I turn to stone. 

I guess I am always going to be like this.  I am always going to be deeply dissatisfied in this life.  No matter what counsellor I go to see, no matter which friends I go out with, no matter what, I always return to me and to feeling like this.  All my life I have felt an intense loneliness and this is my lot...  I feel like I am always waiting... 

Spyralle, I am fascinated by your story.  I have heard you mention this guy who died before.  I want to hear more! 
You are not boring me and no, I don't think you are a fruit loop, though I may be a bit nutty...

[pink]

Selkie, I have known those feelings, and how.  Sometimes it can be very much like the narcissist -- feeling only a void where we we should feel our core. But my core IS there -- and when I connect with it and embrace it I can almost never feel that old bad sense of desperate loneliness anymore. It really it like a "companion within."

I have learned that I really like me. For one thing, I like all the same things that I do, laugh at the same jokes.  LOL.  (A little silly humor there.)

No, but really. I feel very certainly and surely that all you are needing is to reintroduce yourself to your self, your core -- and accept and embrace that core. For me, the meditation I do daily helps with this very much -- to "go within" and just really experience what is inside -- and it is not lonely inside, not a void. It is actually very nice, loving and warm.

Narcissists make the mistake of looking for all the answers outside of themselves because they cannot connect with their real self, and I think those of us who have had primary relationships with N's, especially parents, get "taught" to look outside ourselves to others for our validation -- because that's what THEY do...!!!  On some level the little kid is always learning more by example than by any words. The instructions are always saying to look everywhere except within yourself. Trick answer is that within is the only place the greatest peace, harmony and love!

Hang in there and here's hoping you feel loads and heaps better really, really soon...!!!!

Hugs,
pink 

[Hopalong]

those of us who have had primary relationships with N's, especially parents, get "taught" to look outside ourselves to others for our validation -- because that's what THEY do...!!!

Hear, hear, Pink.

Selkie, adding to that wisdom about why the loneliness felt by children of Ns can be so intractable, I'm going to channel Sela's charming not-sure-if-I-should-say-this-but-I-think-it's-good-so-I'll-risk-it-even-if-I'm-wrong, otherwise known as NSIISSTBITHIGSIRIEIW, and say:

I think a UU church, and perhaps also participating in an associated meditation or Covenant Group there, might heal your loneliness. It has mine, and it was very, very, very stark. Darkness Visible (Styron), this-is-unchangeable-and-permanent, kind of stark.

I think feeling your loneliness in the presence of others who have nonintrusive, nondogmatic spiritual intention, would change you. I think you need community. I suggest UU because theism and specific dogma are not expected, and you are welcomed as you are, including your thoughts.

(Just wondering if this one was as way off as my last imaginings of you! But nothing ventured...)

Hops

[spyralle]

Hey Selks....  Good job you are not planning suicide...  cos I reckon we just have to come back annd do it all again if we jump off before the ride is finished...

I'm pretty much in the same space as you when it comes to loneliness.  it's a wierd kind of loneliness though.  i don't want to be with people either.  Well work is OK but the thought of getting into another relationship is awful.  I want friends I guess but I'm not much good at small talk and I just find myself wanting to be home.  Me too... I'm waiting but I'm not sure what for (Waiting for Godot immediatly springs to mind...)  Maybe I'm waiting to feel at homein my own skin...  maybe I'm waiting to be happy but the problem with that is I don't know what would make me happy.  Sometimes I feel kind of detached from myself...

Anyway...  If you are sure you want to hear more about D I can tell you.  I often thought about writing a novel about the whole thing..  it was such a phenomenal (I'm sure I haven't spelt that right) experience.  When I found him (I climbed through the bedroom window, he had collapsed on our bed) it was like my whole world just stopped with a bang.  i mean he was there right and I've seen all the films were the girlfriend throws herself onto the body of her loved one etc.  I couldn't do that.  I knew he wasn't there...  That he had gone and that that was just his body and now it was a shell.  So from that minute on I was pretty determined to find out exactly where he had gone...  I mean there I was.  I had been waiting for this guy all my life. and then all of a sudden he wasn't anywhere on this planet any more...  This was the first time in my life I had experienced real happiness and I wasn't going to let it go that easily.....

I could go on for hours really but I won't because this is your thread and because i am aware that if i do men in white coats may appear at my back door.  Suffice to say,. i read loads, joined a psychic circle, went to psychic college, meditated opened my mind and just let it all happen and it did,.  I had many beautiful experiences and learned to have faith in the universe.  Then somehow I seemed to get a little lost a few years ago when i met N.  and now here I am again in that hollow lonely place.  You know Selks what I will say is that if you have the urge to escape, then meditate,. let your imagination soar.  Maybe your spirit feels confined,.  Trust in what you are feeling and go with it.  I soooo believe that we are here to learn and that every experience we have is part of that learning.  The say the more painful the lessons the older the soul.  It's like in infant school we just do colouring but by the time we get to a levels it is hard and complicated.  I think that the soul evolves like that through different lives.  In that book The little Soul and the sun it says...."God has sent us nothing but angels"  (Dear me i'm sounding really holy now)  I kind of understand that...

Sorry people if I sound a little of the planet.  this stuff is close to my heart...

((((((((((((((((((Selkie))))))))))))))))))))) 

Spyralle xxx

[Chicken]

Hi Spy
Please do not apologize to me.  I am on the same wavelength, so if you apologize, I will have to apologize. 

I am really interested in your story.  I really would be interested in hearing the full story, don't worry about it being my thread...

I have so many questions but I don't know how much you want to share.  I am sure it is a sensitive subject so I don't want to prod, but I am interested.  If you want to tell it on this thread or if you want to start up a new thread, please do so... 

Also, I am not sure what you mean about letting my imagination soar and meditation etc.
I don't get meditation.  Maybe I should try but what does one achieve?  I just sit there trying to whip my mind into shape and trying not to think, which proves impossible for my hyperactive mind...  seems like hard work...  am I doing something wrong?

I have been thinking about regression too...  just cuz I am curious, can you tell me what happens?  Are you conscious when it happens?

xx

[pink]

I just want to mention that the word "meditation" means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For a lot of people it is about visualizing, mantras, using the imagination. I have never really done much of that kind. The kind I recommend is what can get you in touch with yourself -- just going within without a script or job to do. Just experiencing YOU. Because YOU are REALLY beautiful.........................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     

Hugs

pink

[mum]

hey, Selkie. I get what you are talking about. I think it's okay, if that means anything. Why don't you give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling and not name it, judge it or try to make sense of it.
My first reaction was "meditation" but I will admit I am not an expert. I do know that the main idea is NOT to judge yourself by labeling your mind as hyperactive or your thoughts as "bad" or "good" ...they just are. I'm sure my meditation is not what would be considered traditional, and I am not very disciplined, but I am getting there. Just deciding I am worth the time to be still is really saying something.

The other thing that hit me was this:

I just feel like life is never how you dream it to be.  I guess my hopes have been dashed too many times and this is the last moment before I turn to stone. 

I guess I am always going to be like this.  I am always going to be deeply dissatisfied in this life.  No matter what counsellor I go to see, no matter which friends I go out with, no matter what, I always return to me and to feeling like this.  All my life I have felt an intense loneliness and this is my lot...  I feel like I am always waiting... 

Well, you said it.

A quickie course in what I believe (and what helped me, by the way): It's about how energy works. and how the universe works.
The universe is unconditional love.
We give out thought energy and the universe matches that energy with an experience...not in a punitive "well, I'll get you for that bad thought" kind of way (like I originally thought through my Catholic upbringing) but instead in a very NON judgemental way.
 Consider this:
ME: I don't really like myself. I don't like what is happening in my life. Life sucks. People are mean.
UNIVERSE: um, ok....life sucks for you and things you don't like happen. You don't like yourself, so unloving things will occur for your. Oh, yeah and people are mean to you. Check. Think I got it. Next?

OK, I am trying to be cute here, but if I THINK a certain thing, it leads to FEELING a certain way, which either leads to ACTING a certain way....OR if not acting that way......brings to me what I create. It's the "thoughts become things" idea. I mean think about that: EVERYTHING in the material world started with a thought, really.
Or some call it "the law of attraction".

So read what you wrote. How do you expect to get beyond that if that's what you decided already about your life? YOU decided it. You can change your mind any time you want.
SO WHAT if you spend time IMAGINING the way you want life to be? If you are convinced you will be dissapointed, then you will be, but if you let the universe know you expect good to happen.........instead of "bad".........then you can open up to creating that for yourself.
What the heck have you got to lose? Faith? You've lost it already. What's the worst that could happen? You'll be dissapointed? ONLY IF YOU THINK YOU WILL BE!!! I know it's a stretch, but ALLOW the universe to work with you.

My mentor told me" NO ONE and NOTHING is trying to hurt you. The Universe is simply reflecting back to you what you are sending out." WEll that took a while for me to get because I thought that meant I was to BLAME and then I turned the negative judgement on myself....which certainly didn't help....("Oh, my god, I actually created this mess....I must be a wreck, etc). I got beyond that one, but then it was tough to swallow, because my exN is always trying to "hurt" me by attacking me legally, emotionally, etc...
BUT I AGREE to be "hurt" so you see, it's still my choice. I am in this situation to LEARN.  And in learning I see I have choice. and in choice I feel power and in power I feel the love the universe/God had in mind for me as my birthright! I decide whether to be hurt or not. I have that choice.

THINK good things for yourself and just let go of the outcome.....so maybe this place you are at is not so awful. DETACH from wanting things that are not, and start creating things!  Yes, it does start with a dream.
IT"S ALL IN OUR HEADS ANYWAY!!! All of it. So go for it. Detach from your life that you don't think is going well. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Tell yourself a different story about your life.
JUMP IN! It's your life. Make it what you want!!!

Sorry if I got all preachy on you....but I want to be your cheerleader. TELL YOURSELF A BETTER LIFE STORY THAN THAT ONE...and the universe will respond!!!!!

[spyralle]

You know Mum that does make a lot of sense.  I have learnt some about the power of positive thought leading to manifestation of the positive, but somehow you kind of get lost in the pain and then it gets difficult.  For me,. I believe in that but when I get to that painful place I become scared to believe so it is safer to stay in the dark place rather than put my faith in my faith i you see what I mean.

You are right though...  Despite all the other crap I almost subconsciously believe that I will continue to develop my career.  i really want to be somewhere and I end up there.  I am just being seconded into a position I really wanted.  I used to imagine myself there, and then there I was, despite everything that has happened over the last six months,.  I want to be in a place where I can make changes happen.  Lately I have been having this really strange thing.  If i think of a film, it comes onto the TV within a short time.  It's like something is trying to give me the essence of what you are saying in the simplest form that is possible in the hope that I will cotton on...  then here you come with your beautiful explanation...  Wow.....  Open your eyes and quieten down your mind and all the answers are there. arn't they...

Selks,

That's kind of what I meant when I said "Let your imagination soar"....  If you can go into the quiet of yourself and give your imagination free reign without any of the conscious worries or anxieties we carry around with us,. who knows what we can achieve.  I remember after d died i was learning a lot about meditation and i was practising a lot... Anyway..  I was having a problem with my teenage daughter.  I was at my wits end so as I was meditating I asked for help.  This may sound a little bizzare but I imagined a beautiful face coming towards me.  She looked Ethiopian and said her name was bathsheba...  Later,. just out of casual interest i typed the name into the internet and opened the first item on the search engine.  It was a passage about children and allowing them the space to learn by their own mistakes,. which was so relevant.  It's not there now..

I found meditation quite hard at first.. but i did find that staring at a candle flame for a while and then closing my eyes and keeping the image of the flame centred was a good way for me to focus.   

You asked me about my regression.  You need to be kind of careful with this sort of thing because i guess the same as anything else there are a lot of charletans out there...  The person that did it for me initially was great.  It took about four hours.  She relaxed and relaxed me and talked me into a kind of guided meditative state.  I think though I need to stress again about if you do decide to do that do it with somebody recommended.  after N left I went to see this woman that I found advertised on the internet.  I can laugh about it now....  It was like the universe was pulling all the stops out to stop me getting there that day.  Traffic, then I got lost etc...  I was hours late,. but I wasn't listening...  i was so determined that she would help.  She didn't and I have to laugh at some of the things she did.  Towards the end of the session (I had my eyes shut) She got out a pair of scissors and started snipping.  She was apparantly cutting the cords between me and N...  How bloody ridiculous,.  I would have been in hysterics if I hadn't been so miserable.

Back to the good regression though... yeah you are kind of conscious when it happens...it's a bit dreamy I guess.

Spyralle xxx

[Chicken]

Hi All and thanks for your responses...

Mum, I totally get what you are saying and I really believe that you create your own reality with your thoughts.  I read a wonderful book called "Ask and it is given" by Esther and Jerry Hicks, where ever they claim to have gotten the information from (Abraham or whoever) isn't important, what is important is that when you read it, it makes so much sense.  It's almost like as if you are remembering it rather than hearing it for the first time. 

Having said that, I feel like I need to go back to the drawing board as I haven't been practising it, or lets say I have been experiencing difficulty believing it through the rough patches.  It's so hard to think postive thoughts when you have fallen and you are hurt.  It seems impossible. 

I had a bit of a knockback recently in my career (which seems to batter me around at the best of times anyway) and I found it so hard to jump on the positive band wagon straight away-in fact I haven't gotten up yet from that fall.  I had been really positive all along and I felt like I brought this fantastic positive amazing opportunity towards me, but it slapped me in the face!  It passed me right by!  I thought: Fuck this!  I've been doing everything right!!  Grrrrrrr!

I need to learn how to look at such episodes positively.  I find it so hard not to look at people who have what I desperately want (in my career field) and think that they haven't had to work as hard as I do for it.  Where's the equality in that!?  Life is so unfair!...  and then if I think that, I get unfair so it's a double whammy and leads me into the spiral...  I'm a cat chasing it's tail

I will start meditating, and writing and reading on...  I'm sure I'm close to the lesson...  I'm sure I am...

*scuttles off in search*