Alone

[spyralle]

i guess I was kind of inspired by Selkies thread about the difficulties of being alone... 

It's something that I too am badly struggling with.  The pain of it is almost physical,. yet I don't want to be with anyone either because I guess to be with someone spells pain also.  i was talking to my therapist about it today and she felt that,. what I am doing now is something that should have really hapened when i was young.  She feels that I am finally beginning to seperate from enmeshed relationships...  i suppose she is right.  I have learned so much about myself over the past six months and now I am finally beginning to recognise behaviours that I have which have not been particularly healthy.

Trouble is even though I know it is good to be in this and experiencing and growing because of it, it's bloody hard.  i dread coming home to this house,. even though I am painting it to sell it and move, which should really be quite exciting. 

Funny... Normally I'd be lining up a new relationship now.  I simply can't be bothered any more....  I think I have to find the answers to this pain inside me somehow.....

i am aware that I am waffling a bit really but I just had to get it all off my chest and now it comes to it i don't know what to say or really what I am thinking... 

Spyralle x

[movinon]

Spyralle,

It sounds like you are in withdrawl.  When I went through it I could not eat, had a constant pain im my stomach and chest, was constantly nausiated, and did not want to speak to anyone.  My pain WAS physical.  Luckily I have a support system that was there to check up on me.  Getting into another relationship is NOT HEALTHY.  I am so glad you say you don't have the energy for that.  AS a matter of fact, to avoid the pain of withdrawl, I got enmesshed with a couple of unhealthy friendships which, of course, ended in more pain. 

I have 3 children and VALUE and look forward to my alone time.  I learned how to do that after my 1st marriage ended.  WHen my children were gone, I would curl up in a ball all weekend.  Not until I got into a support group and started reaching out did I learn to enjoy my alone time.

I hear that you dread going home.  I have a friend that feels the same when she is in withdrawal, so she goes to sleep at friend's houses and plans her week so she does not have a lot of down time (lunches, movies, park outings).  Usually after a week or 2 the pain subsides enough for her to start spending some more time alone.

Please know that you are not alone.  We are parrallel and struggling along with you.  Reach out and let those that love you help you through this.  YOu deserve it.

Movinon

[write]

Hi S

I really think learning to live alone takes time and learning new skills.

It's difficult especially after a difficult, dramatic or passionate relationship breaks up, I know it feels SO empty.

I've just been through a similar phase and decided- CHOSEN- to have no more romantic relationships for a couple of years.
It's like- until I am happy with myself doing my own thing, I feel like I will just attach to people so I don't have to be alone...and they have been predatory relationships so far. I'm done with all that.

Almost a year ago I got a dog, she is a wonderful companion.

Gradually a single routine emerges, and a peaceful happy enjoyment of the calm. But it does take time.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Chicken]

Hi Spy!

Well what the hell am I supposed to say to ya!  It would be a case of the blind leading the blind!!!  We're a terrible duo we are!!!
We're birds of a feather!
All jokes aside, I know where you are and it's a place that comes with nothing but ache... prolonged ache that just doesn't "give".

((((((((((((((((((SPY))))))))))))))))))))))

I think I have hopped on a new band wagon now...  and that is, books.

I just can't seek outside help anymore (a therapist), It works for some but not me .  Though the support is nice at the end of the day, you just got to do the work yourself.  You know best.  No one OUT THERE can tell you the answers.

You know what I have discovered Spy?  I have discovered that the pain of loneliness (well, all pain in fact) subsides when you do something to ease it.  Now that may seem like common sense, but it's very difficult, because you gotta figure out what eases it.

This time I am not talking about "Take yourself out for a walk" or "Go and get your hair done" I mean something needs to be done at a deeper level...  why else do we keep returning to this place?

The pain of loneliness and being alone is especially tough because it seems so big.  At the end of the day, it's not important what it feels like, it's there and you gotta cope with it.  So can you find something that you can focus on to help ease your pain.  I'm not talking about ignoring it, I'm talking about dealing with it constructively.  Is there a book that you could read that would speak to you?  Could you channel your energy into writing about your loneliness?  Meditation?  You will know you have found the right thing when your pain has subsided. 

You seem like you are very knowledgable about stuff, but I bet you have something more to learn, something that you need to know.  I bet you will be feeling this pain until you find it.  If I were you I would start looking.  Keep moving, because there is a lot of quicksand around these parts!

xx



 

[Sugarbear]

(((Spy)))

It's a growth process... with the growing pains.

I wonder if the pain of being alone isn't the emotional reaction to NOT having the whirlwind of drama present. It isn't "normal" to not be in the middle of a fight, a conflict, an emotional upheaval. When the the person who was such a loud and engulfing presence in your life is no longer there, it makes sense that they would leave behind an emptyness.

It is withdrawl like any other...like a previous poster said.

You are detoxing.

Thing is, now is the time to let your own psyche grow to fill the space that was left... you have the room and the ability to grow now. It is scary and it is painful and the knee-jerk reaction is to either not deal with it or jump into another relationship to avoid it, but that is a temporary and you owe it to yourself to work through the pain and fear and get to the wonderful centered person that you know you can be.

Read. Listen to your inner child. Play. Do things that you might have considered "selfish" before to indulge yourself. Get in touch with your spiritual side... (I've been doing yoga and meditation, not everyone's cup of tea, but it is pleasant for me).

At least that is my take on it...

Take care of yourself.

[Hopalong]

Hi Spy,

Pema Chodron writes amazingly well about dealing with this pain.
How she "gets" it and how she re-interprets it amazed me.

When Things Fall Apart is the title I've read.

Hops