new here -

[prettyinpink]

I just came upon this website, and look forward to sharing and learning.

I recently separated from my NH just over three months ago.  We were together for 12 years, married for 8, but only lived together for 3.  The year after we married, and the last two.  The separation came about at an opportune time......my NH refused to rent the house we were in together and wanted to move to a two bedroom apt., him, myself and his son (18).  And WHERE were my young adult sons (21 & 23) going to stay when one came home from university, and my other son home from working overseas?  He didn't care....at a friends....at their father's.  Isolating me more and morel, from them, from my friends.  I gathered in the end that he wanted me to just go to work, and make sure meals were on the table, house clean, go to visit HIS family when he wanted to, go to his work/social functions when HE wanted to.....be HIS wife, HIS possession that he could hold on his arm, show off when he needed to and keep in the closet the rest of the time....oh, and rage at when he needed to DUMP. 

So, I chose my sons and myself, and I am now living in a little apt., where my sons can come home to when they need/want to, and I have PEACE, without being watched/judged/criticized, and the only expectations are those I place on myself.  My NH has basically written me off, as if I don't exist, NC since the separation, and he's living on his own with his son for the first time in his 45 years (he lived with my mother-in-law, who passed away a year ago, for 42yrs.). 

I have gone through the sadness , the depression , the anger , and still go through these  on and off, but am now turning a corner.   I will not let him have anymore power over me....I am getting on with my life.  I have my f/t job as a special needs assistant in a classroom with 6-8yr. olds, and also have a p/t job once a week caring for an Asperger's child.  I've started an exercise routine a few times a week (my new year's resolution)....running/walking, exercises at home, reading, and am trying to get ME back.  I won't say that I don't miss the good times we had, but know that it's a 'package'.  NO MORE ABUSE.  I deserve better!! and so do my sons!!Just a little something about myself.  Nice to meet you all, glad to be here.  Pink

[Hopalong]

HOO-AH! Nice to hear a rousing survivor story from the get-go!

Welcome, Pink...but there's another Pink, so can we call you "PIP"?

(You do sound like a pip, you know. That's a good thing..)

I remember hearing my ancient great-uncle say "well now, she's a pip!" about some good lady, in sweet admiration. Like an old-fashioned version of Plucky. 

But you say. Ain't nobody else can name you here.
 
Hopalong

[Portia]

Nice to meet you too Pretty in Pink welcome

You sound good and you're heartening to read. Looking forward to more!

Thanks for your uplifting post Portia

[mum]

Welcome Pretty in Pink (one of my favorite '80's teen movies, by the way).
You certainly sound like you have a lot to teach US here. You have learned a lot, and have a great way of putting that across!
Thanks for the power tale!!!

[pink]

HOO-AH!  Hops, were you watching the same movie I was watching last night?! Al Pacino in "The Scent of a Woman" says that so deliciously I found myself saying it out loud in my living room: Hoo-Ah!

Welcome, Prettyinpink!

[Hopalong]

Yup, I wasn't watching it, but that's where I learned HOO-Ah!
Loved Pacino in that role and love the line! (His closing speech was wonderful too.)

(I am currently still blown away by Grizzly Man...WHAT a fascinating, profoud film.
A very troubled deluded yet pure yet egotistical yet crazy yet brilliant yet naive yet brave man...
an extraordinary story with a tragic end but it still was such a gift to watch. No matter his quirks he left an unbelievable legacy of beauty behind...)

Needless to say I recommend this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hops

[prettyinpink]

Thanks everyone!  Nice to be so welcomed.

Hopalong.....Oh, there's another 'Pink'.....you can call me 'Pip', sure, that's kind of nice!  I really appreciate the positive feedback.  Sweet of all of you!  I have lots to learn, too!!
 
jacmac....thanks for highlighting what I said about PEACE.  I should mention that I was actually becoming so used to the negativity, and 'walking on eggshells', that I almost didn't feel normal, without them  on a regular basis.  My life with my NH was becoming the 'norm'.  I know I was doing anything and everything to avoid 'trouble'....which was his 'anger' or 'misery', his rejection of me. 

In the last few days, after one phone call from the cable company who were trying to reach my H, and a piece of junk mail addressed to my H, sad feelings were triggered in me.  I started to miss my NH.  I've been having a combination of 'flashbacks' of his verbal/emotional abuse, and of good times when we went away for a weekend (rare, but we did). 

Do most people here have experience with Ns?  Just wondering.  'from now on', Pip

[pink]

Hey, that's okay!  I just came to close my account anyhow. You can be the pink around here.

[prettyinpink]

Pink,

You're leaving?  Why?  I just met you.  Any reason? Pip

[write]

welcome!

That's some positive stuff you've been doing; well done.

[Sela]

Welcome PIP:

I love this:

I will not let him have anymore power over me.

Great and wonderful choice!!

Welcome!  So glad you're determined get on with your life.  Looking forward to hearing more.

  Sela

[prettyinpink]

Thanks Sela, 

For sure I'm trying to 'stay positive'.  My NH hasn't called me once since we moved out of the house....it was either 'move with me & my son, cook for us, clean for us, be my lover at times, and the 'wife' on my arm when I need you to show off', &' I'll go to therapy', OR, 'it's OVER'!!!  Well, he's taken the latter, and since he has, I guess that shows alot about WHO he is after 12 years, doesn't it. 

I've made it through Christmas, and New Year's and now Valentine's.  That's not easy.  Yes, I am taking 'zoloft' (only 25mg.) to take the edge off, as I was so depressed over Christmas, but heh, it's not forever, and it's helping me to come round the corner, and LIVE!!

I will not, for the life of me, understand how someone can say they love you SO much, and then turn around and treat you like you don't exist, as if I was a casual fling.  My goodness, we were together for 12 years, and married for 8.  True, we only lived together for 3 of those (he & his son lived with his widowed mother (not a good situation).....guess he preferred her to me, and now she died - last year).  His mother was for sure a N, and it was a negative situation for him, but I guess it was comfortable.  My sons and I are so 'upbeat' and 'fun-oriented', I guess it was too much for him.

The sad part, for him and me, is that I really did love him, and still do, but I WILL NOT take any more abuse, so I had no choice, but to leave.  I am sure he's stunned that I haven't picked up the phone and called him.....as that's what gf's before & his son's mother has done in the past. I'm sure he has no idea how strong I am....and as each day passes, I get stronger.

I still wonder if he'll EVER contact me....but, I doubt it.  PIP

[mum]

Hi, PIP! Wow, that must sting! What a Nidiot.  To leave you just shaking your head...no answers, really. But you seem to be in a good space, moving forward, realizing you can survive and will.
((((((((((pip)))))))))))) keep at it, powerful woman!!!

[Hopalong]

Good for you, Pip.
It must be hard to grieve for the loss of your marriage and the loss of your understanding of who that person actually is at the same time...

You've been so strong and wise and weathered three really hard holidays.
You're going to make it! So good to hear how you value the peace you're creating.

Hopalong

[prettyinpink]

Mum and Hopalong,

I like that, what a Nidiot!  That pretty much says it, doesn't it.  It's the 'no closure', it's the 'being treated like I don't exist' that's hard.  BUT, I'm MOVING FORWARD my friends, and it FEELS GOOD!!!!  I am passing some of my strength to anyone here who needs some....if I can do it, so can you.  There are two songs I like to think of, "I AM WOMAN", and "I WILL SURVIVE"!

Thanks for your inspiring thoughts, and encouragement.  Have a GREAT DAY! PIP