My checklist w/ my undiagnosed ex - LONG

[movinon]

I'm posting my checklist in the hopes it might help others who are questioning whether there's a REAL problem in their relationship.  Checklists have help me get more in touch with reality.  These behaviors are abusive and NOT okay!!!!!

Controlling/manipulating behavior:

1.   Makes ALL major decisions
2.   Walked around house w/ shotgun threatening to kill himself
3.   Frequently suicidal
4.   Frequently depressed
5.   My favorite cat showed up HURT after I left (Dr. said “blunt trauma")
6.   Gets angry when I am too extroverted w/ people
7.   EXTREMELY critical of me
8.   EXTREMELY sarcastic
9.   Tells me what’s wrong with me and what I need to fix about me
10.   Isolated me from friends and family
11.   Did not allow me to have time with friends
12.   Not allowed to mourn sister’s death – told me I had to keep busy and MADE me
13.   Told me who I could be friends with
14.   Demanding that I put him BEFORE the kids “Who’s 1st, me or your kids?” – raged when I told him my kids
15.   Threatened my ex to take kids away to another country
16.   Smothering – was jealous of my time with children – wanted ALL my off time to be w/ him – did not allow outside activities for me
17.   Coming to me repeatedly after I moved out of bed b/c of raging (VERY frequent) to continue verbal abuse (not allowing me to sleep)
18.   Sleep deprivation b/c of wanting to “talk” for hours or wanting sex
19.   Wanting to constantly leave children w/ sitters instead of taking them anywhere
20.   All vacations were HIS vacations
21.   Forced to be in the same mood as him
22.   Not allowed to talk to others in public after a fight
23.   Leaving during emotional crisis – even when kids were dependant on him
24.   HOURS of lecturing
25.   Not allowing me to wear make-up
26.   Not allowing me to visit family w/o him
27.   Controlling when I got to see family
28.   EXTREMELY degrading towards Americans (including us)
29.   Not allowed to refrigerate fruit
30.   Not allowed to have ketchup at the table
31.   Always accused of being unfaithful – accuse me of emotional affair
32.   Extreme jealousy
33.   Told what to wear
34.   Told to keep my hair short
35.   Was a “slut” b/c I wore toe ring and ankle bracelet (2 sessions w/ therapist!)
36.   Not feminine enough
37.   Wanted me to wear more lingerie
38.   Would not give me vehicle after telling lawyer he would
39.   Admitted to raping and controlling ex-wife
40.   Made me quit activity – after he encouraged me to join
41.   Constantly stayed on me about money
42.   Controlled what I spent
43.   Demanded to sell house on HIS TERMS (unilateral decision)
44.   Took $ out of acct. to pay for “improvements” I adamantly disagreed w/  (unilateral decision)
45.   Gave me 2 days to gather belongings from house then tossed out EVERYTHING (unilateral decision)
46.   LOTS of rage when I started getting into recovery
47.   Made ME go to counseling but he did not need it – I was F***ed up, he was not
48.   Very unsupportive about me going to Overeating group
49.   Did not want me to go to therapy meetings (when he wasn’t in them)
50.   If I missed work, he would stay home to keep an eye on me or to force me to have sex all day
51.   Extremely confrontational – esp. w/ strong women
52.   Not allowed my own opinion
53.   Tried to force me into thinking the way he does – constant barrage – can not accept I have my own mind
54.   Not giving me messages from friends that have called/visited
55.   His word is law – the “truth” – using logic to validate his point
56.   Controlling when I could and could not see therapists – made me quit one he didn't like
57.   Would not help w/ childcare
58.   Would not call for sitters
59.   Withholding information b/c “I didn’t need to know”, or “I couldn’t handle it.”
60.   Demanded eye contact at all times when he was speaking
61.   Afraid to talk about certain topic unless he is in a good mood – sex, therapy, children, money, needing money
62.   Opening my personal mail and demanding explanations
63.   Demanding to know who was on the phone
64.   No private room
65.   Had doors built for his “private” room but not mine
66.   Dug through purse often
67.   Using things against me that I have told him about in the past
68.   Had to answer to him when I was even slightly late coming home
69.   Often sabotaged my schedule (after I GOT one)
70.   Insults, makes fun of and degrades people I like
71.   Would not let my cats sleep w/ me
72.   Had to speak in certain ways or he would not listen
73.   Could only speak to him when he wanted to talk
74.   Had to frequently stop what I was doing to meet his needs
75.   Demanded he be the king and master of the computer
76.   Forced to yield to his religious "non-beliefs"
77.   If I ask for something, I must give him something in return
78.   "Me and you against the world" mentality
79.   Wants me home when he is home
80.   Saving HOT topics for late at night – denying me sleep
81.   House not clean enough
82.   Always offers hope that he will change when I threaten to leave
83.   MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY

Other behaviors:

1.   Frequently picked fight right before a date or meeting w/ someone
2.   Alcoholic – dry drunk now
3.   Refused to go to individual counseling
4.   Had NO friends when we met
5.   Bullied me in couple’s group
6.   Blamed for EVERYTHING – esp. in couple’s group (you’re not feminine enough)
7.   Bullied me to go to therapy weekend, then demanded I go to counseling until it came time
8.   Showed up w/ woman at my event and flirted  - LIED about having taken her and D to dinner – it was MY fault b/c I filed for divorce – phone bill showed repeated calls to/from her #
9.   Flirting w/ sex addict woman IN MY HOUSE in front of me.
10.   Moved in w/in 4 weeks of meeting – proposed w/in 6 weeks
11.   Immediately moved us out of house
12.   Moved us to another state w/in weeks of wedding – excuse was MY past was too big here
13.   “Giving” a weekend (visitation) then saying he’s busy – his priorities come first
14.   Horribly abusive around long therautic course invloving women – stayed away 4 weekend in a row.
15.   HE comes first – unless he decides to put me 1st (temporarily)
16.   Dirty dancing w/ another woman in front of me while I was performing on stage
17.   Allowing drunken female neighbor to sit on his lap – repeatedly
18.   Favorite saying  - “I either want to hurt women or I want to f**k them.”
19.   Often accuse me of being a man-hater when I tried to stand up for women.
20.   Cruised by my house after separated when I asked for no contact
21.   Showed up at 9:30 p.m. after I had asked for no contact to ask son if I was available.  When I didn’t come to the door, he came to my bedroom window and stayed until I let him in for "10 mins." – 2 HOURS w/ kids taking care of themselves
22.   HATES anyone that’s on my side, tried to isolate me from them or becomes very confrontational and sarcastic w/ them
23.   His personal development work is better than mine – points out all the problems and not doing things the RIGHT way
24.   Minimizing my hurt
25.   Denying me feelings
26.   Has kicked cat
27.   “I act this way because I love you so much…scared to lose you…am passionate – take the good with the bad”



Neglectful behaviors:

1.   Holding me hostage for hours in his room while kids had to fend for themselves
2.   Refusing to attend to baby at night
3.   Insisted on closing the BR door at night w/ white noise on (I could not hear children)
4.   Not attending children’s events (unless there was a jealousy (male) threat)
5.   Not helping me with taking them to events


Violent incidents with me:

Attacked and almost drowned in shower (with nozzle pointed in my face)
Hit with softball while mowing
Police incident (repeatedly slamming door on ankle)
Threw full beer can at me while I was laying on stomach – huge bruise (before marriage)
Violently shaking – banging head off brick wall
Pushed through wall
Multiple incidents of rage while holding me down
Multiple incidents of rage while not allowing me to leave room
Multiple incidents of rage while not allowing me to leave in car
Multiple incidents of him slapping me across the face
Blocking door while raging
Immediately after I loose my temper, he becomes calm

Sexually -
Raped after rage (1st)
Raped next to children (2nd)
Forced to have sex far into pregnancy (minutes before I went into labor)
Forced to have sex when bed-sharing with toddler
Forces sex in the morning – often made me late for work
Called degrading names
Forced sex while I had the flu
“Sex slave” EVERY year for birthday and anniversary
Forced to wear outfits
Forced to have sex when sick, hurt, tired (VERY often) or didn’t want to
Forced to reveal encounters w/ other men then used in sex
Forced to perform for home video
Extremely frequent self-stimulation
Used self-stimulation as a sleeping pill
Forced me to participate
Used pornography to self-stimulate
Forced to take pictures
Constant talk about raping me – getting other men come into our bedroom
Frequently grabbing and fondling me in front of the children

[Surrounded]

Just wanted to give you my support.  I know I will have more to say a little later as way too many of these things are too familiar. 

Feels good to write it down though.  Doesn't it?  Therapeutic, I think.  I've been compiling a list over the last few weeks and I am shocked at the # of things I have been able to think of that my (still) N H has done over the years.  These are things I have pushed out of my consciousness trying to survive because I know when I address these things, I get REALLY MAD.  I am not a confrontational person so I have tried to ignore most of the stuff.  But it needs to come out for us to see what we are fighting for....or against.  Yes?

Good for you.  You are strong----I do admire you for that.  Horray for you!

Oh, and......WHAT A JERK!!!!!!  I could definitely go on with the names for him, but it really isn't about him is it? 
I am here for you. 

Take care. 

Surrounded

[movinon]

Thanks surrounded

I guess it's a little theraputic - just mostly feels sickening.  I noticed there were a lot of things I had forgotten about (children and friends actually had to remind me). 

I found that viewing a lot of these lists brought some of it back.  My oldest daughter had actually forgotten a lot as well, so I'd ask her if she remembered this and she'd say no, but I remember that

CRAP

Movinon

[Surrounded]

Oh, yes definitely sickening.  I was meaning therapeutic because it was out of my head.  Not spinning around any more or me pretending it wasn't so bad or something.  Seeing it in black and white on paper is a reality check indeed. 

Keep posting as you think of things.  My lists have been going on for weeks.  A lot came at once, but things pop into my head and I find my "secret" list and write it down.  Before I can dismiss it again.  And I wouldn't post it cause it is too big now.

I actually have quite the little novel going.  My kids can't help cause they are still young and not really aware of my plans to get out, so I keep it to myself.  I am sure the kids would, if they could, think of a lot more.  Right now, they would "spill the beans" ...to him,  ya know?  Or say something to make him paranoid.  He is already extremely paranoid, I can't take more right now. 

He actually is supporting me going to a therapist now only becaue I have been able to hide my feelings towards him enough so that he thinks the therapist is going to be only dealing with my issues with my N family of origin.  (Mostly mom and sis).  When he pouts enough that i feel I have to appease him by letting him push my emotional buttons, I go on and on about my mom or something.  Otherwise he would not support my going to therapist.  I have set an appointment with a therapist he saw briefly 8 years ago and seemed to respect.  I picked this T specifically because I figure he won't be able to say that some "quack" was telling me nonsense and putting me up to ridiculous behavior.   

He thinks the only person who knows anything is HIM, of course.  He is always right----everyone else is just screwed up and idiots.  So I have to be careful who I talk to and I don't even have any friends because he doesn't approve of them.  I somethimes wonder how he ever approved of me? 

He even hates the wife on Everybody Loves Raymond because she is just such a B*****!  He says.  (Cause she stands up for herself???)  He won't watch it anymore.  He does that a lot.  Says things about other women to try to control my behavior.  And guess what, it has always worked. 

He thinks I may actually have a chemical imbalance.  This is his new thing.  I am not making him totally happy all the time, so maybe I have an imbalance.   Whatever.......that is SO FAR off base I can't even believe he said it. 

Tsk, tsk---- Look at me hi-jacking.  Sorry, sometimes I get started and .......ooops!

Also-----I can relate to #'s 1,3,4,6,7,9,10,11,13,14,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,31,32,33,34--but long,36,40,41,42,43,44,47,50,51,52,53,54,55,57,59,61,62,63,64,66-70,73-83

And that is just the first set.  Thanks for the new reminders.  (I shoulda just put the numbers I couldn't relate to down--it woulda been shorter).  I am going to go barf now. 

Yeah, I know why am I still here????------Simply planning my escape.  As in Sleeping with the Enemy type stuff.   Yucky.

[Hopalong]

Moving, Surrounded.
I am so sorry, you guys.
I'm also feeling scared for you.
I hope you'll make copies of your lists about the violence and bullying and keep them in separate places (mail them to someone such as a lawyer even if they're incomplete, you can just label the bottom, still in process as of [date] and then continue)

Please clean up your computer tracks. Please.

Hops

[movinon]

Hops - I am not living with him, so I don't really understand about cleaning up my computer tracks.  Could you say more if it still applies? This is going to the lawyer TODAY (she missed our appointment yesterday)

JAC - Writing this CRAP down has definately opened my eyes to REALITY - trigger, trigger (One of the things he liked to say - b/c he was so negative and pessamistic - was that he was a REALIST. ugh!  The top of a toilet tank????!!!!!!  That's HORRIBLE!!  Those things are heavy!  I'm so sorry that happened to you!

Surrounded - Man I look froward to the day you get outta there!  Are you keeping a journal?  Even if you think things are "little", please write them all down.  Since I'm not with my husband, he's using the excuse that he doesn't do any of that anymore...NO S##T, he's all on his own with his public persona now.  I have forgotten A LOT of the things that have happened, so PLEASE,PLEASE write it down...especially in terms of the kids...like not participating in activities, not going to their events, not helping with their care.  It will all be VERY useful to you in the future.  Don't depend on them to be on your side (although they might).  Neglected children nearly always want to get in the good graces of their abusive parent.

I'm glad you will see a therapist too.  Just don't expect HIM to.  BTW, I was reading that if you get couple's therapy, the therapist can not release info. to the court without BOTH partners agreeing (which I don't see happening in my case).  I will check w/ my lawyer about that today b/c it was ALL couples or me individually.  He would never do it or would go to one session and quit b/c they were getting too close to knowing the TRUTH!

Hang in

Movinon

[Surrounded]

Yes I am keeping a daily journal.  It's amazing there how much stuff he gets away with on a day-to-day basis.  IDIOT. 

I feel I have to because he always says I need to tell him specifically what he is doing and then i can't think of certain circumstances cause i have tried so hard to ignore it.  But it is in my head always there just eating away at my sanity.....and he knows it.....on some level.

How can these people be so awful and have no idea how awful they are?? It amazes me. 

Good luck with your attorney.  I'm starting with therapy and then attorneys are right around the corner. 

Take care.

Surrounded

[Sela]

Reading this thread just makes me want to hug you all:

(((((((((((((((((((Movinon, Surrounded, Hoppy, Jac)))))))))))))))))))))

Wishing you strength and determination and clarity and good warm bright energy and most of all........

healing.

Sela

[Hopalong]

ditto Sela...

Movin...writing that list strikes me as a HUGE act of self-empowerment. Good for you.(Never mind about the computer privacy worries, I blanked out on you not living with him. Thank GOD for that.)

Jac...I am mentally whacking him with a seven-foot clawfooted cast iron bathtub. Hard.

Surrounded...GOOD for you for being so firm about therapy plus lawyer. Maybe they'll overlap?

Three voices are louder than one.

Sending strength and more strength,
Hopalong