Therapy meanderings

[spyralle]

Thought i would start this post as often i come away from therapy and need to process what has gone on in the session.  Also if anyone else has had any insights that maybe useful to share with everyone.

It's funny isn't it how you think you've got one thing sussed and then during a session you realise that it isn't that simple and there is more than you originally thought.  For example, yesterday I was at therapy and I had come to the conclusion that i had been out with two types of men in my life.  The ones that were N like my mother and the nice ones.  I believed that I couldn't deal with niceness because I wasn't used to it so that is why I had never managed to stay with anyone nice.  I kinda realised though yesterday that all the men I  had been out with were like my mother but like different aspects of her.  The 'nice' men were like the part of my mother that idealizes her fantasy of what i should be and wants to suffocate me in emeshment. 

I have been wondering why, for the first time in my life that I am really trying to be alone.  Normally by now i would be pulling out all the stops to get into that enmeshed state in which i feel the safest, but even though that was how i felt for quite a long time after exN left i am beginning to feel a little different.  Like i am beginning to recognise that i won't die by being seperate. 

I have never been any good at endings but I am starting a new job on monday and i have spent the last two weeks trying to end this one properly.  Packing stuff away saying goodbyes etc.... I think that this is part of my new hesitant exploration of what it feels like to actually seperate.  i'm scared and lonely but kind of excited all at the same time...

I don't know if this is making any sense at all so I'm sorry if it sounds like I am rambling

Spyralle x

[Healing&Hopeful]

Spyralle

You made perfect sense to me.  It is amazing what we can discover about ourselves, but what is more amazing than that is we have the ability to change into the people we want to be.  How cool is that?  To say, I don't like this about myself and change it.  I feel change is scary and exciting.

While reading your post I felt inspired by you and hopeful for you.

Take care

H&H xx

[mum]

It's all good rambling Spyralle. It really sounds like you are doing the work after the work. Like your therapy is carrying through and you are doing the work you need to in order to benefit the most from therapy.
I have an ending of sorts (many endings of monumental sorts) coming up, too, and it is encouraging to hear someone getting through it.
"Let go, let go, jump in. It's so amazing here. It's all right, there's beauty in the breakdown." (song by Frou Frou)
So good for you...letting go, jumping in. You know you will be allright (even with only yourself to sleep with!!!!)

[write]

I believed that I couldn't deal with niceness because I wasn't used to it so that is why I had never managed to stay with anyone nice.

I'm starting to see that all those delicious feelings of 'I've known you like forever' ( after ten minutes! ) etc are enmeshment issues from his behaviour/ my past rather than a healthy 'let's get to know each other'.

Whenever I meet someone different and healthy it seems a long time in comparison to understand them. Now I am trying to tell myself- of course it does! You're not simply slotting in a groove and repeating a pattern....

[spyralle]

I'm starting to see that all those delicious feelings of 'I've known you like forever' ( after ten minutes! ) etc are enmeshment issues from his behaviour/ my past rather than a healthy 'let's get to know each other'

Oh write...  i think we have definately shared some exes.  You are so right!!!!  These were the sort of comments that used to make me feel so special and like it was all meant to be...

Similar memories of the first week of a relationship:

I just want to be with you forever
I am falling in love with you (During first date)
i want you to be my wife someday
Long phone calls into the night Every single night
Moving into my home within two or three weeks

What do normal people do though...
What do they talk about...

spyralle x

[Healing&Hopeful]

What do normal people do though...
What do they talk about...

Hey hon,

I wasn't sure how to answer this, so I thought about it in relation to my hubby and our first date... We went for a couple of drinks together and talked about his job, my job, where we lived, where we had lived, houseshares I'd lived in, laughed together, he told some jokes (which were quite poor to be honest but bless him for trying) etc etc.  Then we had a kiss and he dropped me off at home.

Ahhh, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy thinking about it....

Take care

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Spyralle...

Really really really the book A Fine Romance by Dr. Judith Sills will actually walk you through, step by step and stage by stage, what healthy people do when they start (and continue) a relationship.

Hope you'll get a chance to read it, would love to know what you think.

Hopalong

[spyralle]

thanks for the book suggestion.  I'm trying to get hold of it any ideas?

[Hopalong]

I always get my books through the "Used and New" links on Amazon...cheap!

 
Hops