Getting jealous?

[Sugarbear]

Something I just thought of...

My mom and I used to go lots of places together before I met my hubby and she turned crazy

One of those places, the garden center, I dragged my hubby to (he has no interest in gardening or plants) so I could pick up a few things. It was a quick trip, and I think we were there for a total of 15 minutes max.

I mention it to my mom in passing during a phone conversation, and my mom gets weepy "you went to the garden center with HIM?" She gets upset with me and starts crying and wailing that that is one of "our" places... we always go there together.

I am shocked and flabbergasted... WTH?

She is acting like she and I were dating or something... and I took a new beau to our old romantic restaurant!!!

She pulled this a few more times with me regarding things like the hobby store and to the theater. She does not OWN the rights to visit those places exclusively, and I honestly never thought of them as being "our" places - just places. I didn't stop going with her when I married my hubby, just happened to go with him sometimes.

She made me feel like I had hurt her for just getting an errand done!!

Anyone else have this happen? Insights??

[Hopalong]

Sugarbear,
Forgive the rushed reply (off to a meeting) but in brief it sounds like extreme enmeshment plus entitlement. No wonder you're gasping for oxygen, poor thing.

I believe she does not see you as a separate person, and her enormous sense of dependency and entitlement cause her to think she "owns" you and not grant you normal healthy individuation.

Other souls here will put it more gracefully, but you are NOT nuts to be reacting.

It is the opposite of nuts, to be awakening to the ick-factor of her behavior.
You may be just getting started detangling yourself, but congratulations, it's huge...

Hops

[spyralle]

Hi Sugarbear,

How ridiculous is that!!!!  and coming from he perspective of having a very n enmeshed controlling mother, you have my sympathy....  because my partner has left me, my mother is now insisting that we should pool all our resources and buy a house together.  She is trying every bit of emotional blackmail under the sun... but luckily I am in therapy and am trying to disentangle myself from her web...  My N mum also shows jealousy about my relationship with my daughter and would love to cause some kind of split there....  It infuriates her that we are close and she has made comments which have sounded quite menacing like ..."Nobody will ever love you like I do....." 

You have not said how you react when she talks like this but the one thing I would try not to do is get into it with her in any way.  I just try to remain boundaried throughout these conversations now though I have to say it's really bloody hard sometimes.....


Spyralle xxx

[mum]

Sugarbear, your mother is acting like a toddler. Say, "gee, I'm sorry to hear you feel that way, Mom." and LET IT GO. It's NOT your problem if you don't want it to be. There is no other way to respond to that type of innappropriate behavoir. I highly doubt anything you do  will change her at this juncture.. Just work on being happy, independent of her happiness.

My teenage daughter acts like this sometimes, and I can do exactly the same thing. Send her an "I" message (how I feel, what I will do/not do...) and a thought that "gee, it must be tough to feel that way.....bummer...etc..." and MOVE ON.
The difference is, my teenager may still learn something about where that behavoir gets her.

Honestly, a great book is "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay and someone else (sorry). You can use these same ideas with your childish mother.
Basically, she owns her behavoir and feelings...not you.

[Healing&Hopeful]

She is acting like she and I were dating or something... and I took a new beau to our old romantic restaurant!!!

Spot on... that is exactly how she is acting.  And you are on the receiving end of her problem.

What are you supposed to do?  Never go to the garden centre again with your H?  How silly.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but as Mum says, it is her problem and up to her to deal with it.

Take care

H&H xx

[Sela]

Hi Sugarbear:

I think you're correct in guessing that your mum might be feeling jealous.

Jealousy is something I've been trying to understand better for awhile now.

From reading....it's said the feeling evolves after feeling insecure.

That makes sence to me.  A person feels insecure....like they are not valued/as important as/good as whatever.  After that they begin to want to feel valued etc and finally, if that doesn't happen for them....sometimes....they start to feel.....bitter, resentful, envious......jealous??

So working backward......and I have no idea if this might work......but if you intend to maintain a relationship with your mother, I wonder if it would help to try to let her know that she is valued, important, good etc??

Just an idea.  Maybe I'm cracked?  I just wonder since one of the main N-symptoms is this desire for attention/adoration/compliance.....and if these feelings arise in them when those needs aren't met.....and if it would be of any use to do that....try to impress on her how valued she is.....like one would with a toddler, who had to adapt to a new sibbling??

I can understand how irritating and frustrating it might feel to have your mother freaking out like this.   Maybe it would calm her down if you found something/some place "special" that just you and she went?  Like the special time one might spend with a jealous toddler?

  Sela

[Sugarbear]

Thanks for the insights...

I am having trouble getting my mind wrapped around all of this and dealing with her. I'm hoping I can just get enough emotional distance to not be constantly drawn back into her crazyness when weirdness like this stuff happens.

[darky]

hi sugar bear, i hear you! isnt it just discusting that you cant share anything with your mum for fear of her reacting? sounds like shes trying to make you feel guilty and control you and thats just sad really!

i want to give advice, but im paranoid polly at the min and feeling like i might be having some "n" spot momments! time of the month i think!

sending you loads of positive vibes though and to say i understand and feel very sorry for you having to put up with this!!