Middle School memories

[mum]

My daughter is being harrassed in her school. She is handling it well, and we may (adults) intercede soon (giving her another day to end it herself if possible), but it's disclosure to me, besides just my feelings as a mother, triggered a bunch of stuff for me. The teacher that I did contact so far about it, shared that she had similar experiences in middle school.....and it was so for me, too.

So in 35 years, middle school has not changed much!
I realized that middle school was a turning point for me. When I went from a fairly confident, happy go lucky kid, to becoming insecure, hurt and a victim.  My inner dialogue changed then, and I realized that last night, listening to my daughter.  The people who tormented me, became the voice in my head, despite all the other things I knew to be true about myself.

I hear  from a lot of people, that middle school really sucked for them, too. My daughter realizes she is not the only kid this kind of thing happens to, but she was happily under the radar for a while, and now this.
 
My mom used to say "no one kicks a dead dog" but it hardly helped me much to know that my talents, brains, looks, clothes I chose, or WHATEVER, caused other people who are insecure and MEAN to attack me!
  Anyway, I still think my d is doing a better job navigating those dangerous waters than I did, but it still SUCKS.

I also realize that when I married my Nex, I married one of those middle school bullies.  Hmmmmm. Had to act it out, get rid of it finally, I guess.  At least I grew up, he's still 13.

Anybody else have middle school memories like this that you would find helpful to share? Any ideas to help me as a mom with this?

[Hopalong]

Oh, Mum.
I went through the exact thing but it was 2nd grade (age 6-7) through 9th grade (age 13-14). By 9th grade I was so depressed from the year upon year of playground bullying, harrassment, tormenting and ostracization that I completely gave up. I was too naive to understand the concept of suicide but if I had, it would have occured to me. Smuggled novels into all my classes, made straight As in English because I loved it, flunked every other course and had to repeat the year. It was a nightmare, and I know schools are no better, perhaps even worse, today.

I send much compassion to you and your daughter.

Like you, my own very painful childhood was retriggered by my daughter going through the EXACT same thing. At around the same age I had been at its worst, she said to me, "I don't even feel like living." And she too was quite young (around 9)--and didn't yet know the concept of suicide.

I have two thoughts, don't know if they would help a little. My daughter developed friendships earlier than I did, and developed compassion. By high school she did have a close best friend, and she also deliberately sought out the most picked-on, reviled girl at the school and embraced her seriously as her friend. Other kids began to notice her kindness and she found a small circle of good people. Most nonconformist, but all essentially kind and sensitive. She also bonded in those adolsecent years with our Unitarian Universalist youth group, and I have never seen her happier. That curriculum is completely about love and tolerance, and after her years of pain, it was amazing to see her happiness with them. She belonged. So what she didn't get widely in school, she got there.

The other memory is that once in elementary school, a girl was picking on my D mercilessly. I called the teacher and explained what was happening and they said oh thank you, we will deal with this. A week later, no letup. I called the teachers again and mentioned that I would like to speak to the other girl's parents and the teachers said oh NO, must not do that...WE have to be in charge of that. No change. A few days later I happened to be at the school when my D's class was coming out of the auditorium. I spotted the little tormentor, who knew me (small school, same birthday parties) and saw my chance. I said Hi, "Susie" can I speak to you a minute? Sure, she said, and I ushered her around the corner. With no threat of harm but with my FIRMEST SuperNanny voice, I bent near her, looked her right in the eye and said, "I don't care if you don't like my D, you do not need to like her, but I do not want ever again to find out that you have pinched her, tripped her, pulled her hair or done ANYTHING to hurt her again. If you do, I am going to call your parents immediately. Do you understand me?" She nodded like mad and that was that. The next week I went to pick up my D and she and "Susie" had their arms draped around each other and Susie even started inviting her over to play. (I almost felt that Susie was grateful that somebody stopped her...)

Long story shorter: if the insitution will not step in, I advise dealing directly with the harrassing child/children. With complete control of yourself, but without begging anyone's permission. Fer Godssake, where are the grownups when this is going on? Wringing their hands and worrying about diplomacy, while some child is having their heart broken over and over. Grrrrrr.....

Sorry to rant on and on, Mum, but I do so understand what you and your D are going through. It will pass...but lord, I know how it hurts. (The euphemism of "harassment" often is a cover word for straight-up bullying, abuse, and sometimes even violent behavior.)

Hopalong

[lynne]

Hi Mum,

I just had the same situation with my daughter.  She's 12.  She had an oral report assigned and had written up a paper to present it in front of the class. Before she got to the class, someone ripped it up and she had to give the report without her notes.  The teacher was unconcerned about the situation.  Then, a few days later, she said she needed a break from school. When I asked why she told me kids were throwing food at her in the cafeteria.  I moved her to a smaller private school and things seem to be going okay now.  I also enrolled her in skating lessons hoping that would boost her self confidence.  I have no advice for you because I'm not sure my decisions were the right ones.  I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I hope things work out for your daughter.  

[Sela]

Aww ((((((((Mum)))))):

Is it a bit like watching a re-run?  All those memories/feelings coming to the surface ontop of your motherly feelings......that's a lot.  Your daughter is so lucky to have such a caring mum who can really put herself in her daughter's shoes and try to understand.

You said your daughter is handling it "well" but I think maybe you suspect that ithis s only on the outside?  That maybe on the inside...she's hurting and her inner voice might be being influenced too??

Maybe you will/or have already share/shared your experience with her (I mean about the tormenting that went on when you were in middle school and how you felt, what you thought, how your thinking/feelings changed)?   Hopefully, that would/does help her to not feel alone or singled out so much??

What insight you show by connecting all of that to some of the experiences you've had later in life!   Give yourself credit for  trying to learn and understand Mum!  It's all part of healing eh?  You're doing it!!

Your daughter is lucky to have a loving, caring, concerned Mum to intercede for her and her disclosure shows how much she trusts you and how comfortable she feels talking to you.  I just have a feeling she won't turn out to feel insecure, hurt, or like a victim with a Mum like you around!

Sela

[spyralle]

Oh Mum,

My heart goes out to you...  bad enough to suffer it ourselves but heartbreaking to then watch it happen to our children.  i was also bullied at middle school and to this day I can't bring myself to say what they called me.  i was the kid that sat on the end of desks because there was never enough room for me, etc...  and on top of this I was bullied on the way to and from school by a boy from another school.

Great saying from your mum by the way.....  Full of love and empathy for your situation...  i was talking to my mother on the phone last night and she was pointing out that i cried all the time as a child.  I said to her maybe that's because I had a terrible time at school as I was bullied she simply said "Why..."  as if i had brought it on myself.

I think the best way to be for your daughter is solid as a rock and totally consistent in your love.  i so needed to talk about what was happening with me.  I badly wanted someone to hear my pain.  To know that someone was there to give me reassurance and to put their arms round me and stroke my hair.  the problem is that as a parent, when it happened to my daughter (she was picked on around 7 and ..  it made me so angry..  I guess it was my pain and hers all rolled into one.  I went marching into the school one day and hung the child on a coat peg and gave her what for...  not the best move really.  

In the end i changed my d's school.  It's good that the teacher also has had similar experiences as hopefully she will be able to empathise with your daughter and give her support and reassurance at school.

spyralle x

[roaring dad]

"No one kicks a dead dog"?  I used to teach middle school.  I can tell you from experience.  They will kick the dead dog and some of them will hang it from a tree and set it on fire.  Except in this case it was a squirrel, not a dog.

Middle school is a very tough age.  I have seen some of the most heartless and cruel things in the two years that I spent teaching there to the point where I would rather be out of work than teaching that age again.

[Hopalong]

Hey Roaring,
When you were a teacher, did the school administration take any sort of serious stand on bullying of other children or horrendous antisocial (borderline sociopath-in-training) behavior like what you describe?

I never liked blaming the teachers. But just like the limp-brained parents we watch on SuperNanny, I often felt that SOMEBODY needed to march up to those kids and grab 'em by the ear and say in a Voice None Would Ever Forget:

--We DO NOT TOLERATE that kind of behavior here.
--You will APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY. Now shake hands.

I mean, in these instances, I really DO want some shame-based stuff to happen! I remember some old authority figures GLARING at kids and saying SHAME ON YOU and in that case (in hindsight) I think it was a very important message.

That's not toxic shame, imho. That's the appropriate kind of shame that teaches kids with no boudaries how to behave like good human beings.

I would be interested in any thoughts...school days are way behind me (and my D)--but I worry about today's kids who seem to have so LITTLE help in overcoming there built-in Lord of the Flies stuff...know what I mean?

Hopalong

[mum]

Thanks for the dialogue, folks.
The ironic thing about all this, is that I am moving soon, and my daughter is confused about how to feel, she wants to move, but is afraid of hurting/pissing off her dad ( who will, no doubt, take me to court over this again and who is also out of the country AGAIN).  So before disclosing all this to me last night, she started saying how much she wanted to move, how she wanted to go to a different type of community/.school (which we will!!!!) ,etc.

She asked me last night why I had such a strong emotional reaction to what she told me (I was crying). I told her I feel her pain as her mother of course, but also did share my experiences with her. That actually did seem to calm her and in some way,  or empower her.

The school she goes to does have a large amount of nastiness, bred by it's affluent clientele, I suppose. The teachers DO have a zero tolerance policy, but having been a middle school teacher myself, there is sooo much that is not reported it's amazing. Teachers do not walk down the halls and hear every whispered insult, nor should they.
In this instance, they are extremely concerned as my daughter is (usually) well liked by both adults and kids. She is kind and pretty (although of course now she is convinced she is obese)  and a good student. All the things that make life hell at 13 if someone decides to hate you.  Since I know all these teachers as district colleagues, they are very supportive and will take action as soon as my d or I deem it necessary.

By the way, Roaring Dad,,,I have a different reaction to teaching middle school. It is my favorite age to teach, maybe because I cut my teeth, so to speak, at this age level professionally, but mostly BECAUSE of what I went through.  Kids at this time in life NEED teachers who remember how bad it hurts. Maybe that's why I love it.  NOTHING got by my radar on the bullying front and the kids knew it....and if it did, I was the one they could cry to.  But I get what you are saying. I have friends who call Middle school teaching "a jail sentence"!

[Plucky]

Hi mum,
this must be so hard to endure, especially since you feel it right along with her.
I was a bullying target from the age of 6 until about 14.  After that I was a date rape target.
There was a bunch of girls who made my life so miserable that I begged my mother, at age 12, to allow me to stay at home alone most days, and she let me.  I found out from a friend when we were having tests, and since school was easy for me, I just went on those days and took the tests and still got good marks.
As a young child, I had to fight every single day after school.  Every day.  Then I would get in trouble at home for having dirty clothing or broken glasses or wet books or being late.  Every day was the revelation of a new betrayal.

I just felt that no one in the world was in my corner. 

I know your daughter does not feel like this.  She has you, and you really get it.  She even has a teacher.  You have a move coming up and that might fix things, except for the feelings she has already had about it.  They can last a long time, and she may be venting long after the situation has been corrected.  If you are definitely going to move, can she stay home some days when she feels overwhelmed?  I know that was a lifesaver for me.

The other option is homeschooling or private school.  There you have more control over the environment and more impact if something is not going right.    You can even homeschool for the rest of the school year.  People pull their kids out of school all the tiime.

Good luck and try not to be too miserable yourself.  My whole memory of this feels as if it happened yesterday.  I hope yours is less fresh!
Plucky

[roaring dad]

The school took a pretty tough stand on bullying, but there is a lot that is out of hands of the school.  Whispered insults and threats in the halls or bathrroms.  Cyber attacks.  Fights outside of school.  I taught in a school that was 1/3 affluent, 1/3 low income, and 1/3 military.  So there was a lot of socio economic clashing.  And personally I think the affluent kids were the worst.

I think I was a good model for these kids and I did help some of them.  I know of one girl who was being stalked and harrassed by a man in his 20s (she was 14).  I was at the SAC office weekly trying to get her some help, but her parents wouldn't believe it until they found the guy standing over her while she was sleeping.

I'm not a very strong disciplinarian though.  Caring and remembering and relating are not enough to survive teaching Middle School.  I prefer ages 5 - 8.  I think that is probably because we share the same sense of imagination and mind set.

[mum]

Roaring dad. You are going straight to heaven. That's what I tell the primary grade teachers at my school. I teach all the elementary kids in my school (art) and love them all for different reasons, but put me in a class FULL day with any grade level? Upper grades for me!!

I have taught middlle school in both hard core inner city and in affuent suburbs. There are problems in every situation. I agree that the affluent kids can be pretty cruel, playing mind games more than anything else. When basic survival is not a problem, other problems take that place. Like life, there is hardly an "ideal" situation.  "Good" school districts with good test scores and involved (OVER sometimes) still have problems. (drugs come to mind).

And as an educator, I agree that we can only do so much. If I had a nickle for every parent who enabled/defended the bad behavoir of their kid, I wouldn't have to teach anymore!!
Very sad that some would not notice their child being stalked. Frightening.

More bad news from my d (poor kid): a very nice 'label" jacket that we bought her (for being the maid of honor in my wedding)  was stolen.  It's especially hard as we are not members of this wealthy community, but she is here because I teach here, and buying expensive things is not so easy. Oh well, it's only an item of clothing! And it was on sale!
She is having a rough week. I will give some extra TLC. She needs it.

[Brigid]

Mum,
Your story made me so sad.  I was also tormented in middle school by a popular girl who was able to rally others behind her.  It only happened on the bus, but I had a long ride to school and it was terrible (she even pulled a knife on me one time).  Fortunately, she was eventually moved to the private school in our area (very affluent) and the bullying stopped.

I feel for your daughter and wish I had the magic formula to make it stop.  I know in our school district they have worked hard through parents and teachers to provide programs to stop bullying.  I'm sure it hasn't completely ended it, but things have improved.  For the most part my kids came through it OK and my daughter had a group of great friends who are still her best friends today.  She always flew under the radar of the snotty popular girls and stayed out of their way.  She also had gymnastics to keep her busy and involved outside of school.

I think you are handling the situation as best you can.  I can totally understand her wanting to move at this point and fortunately we are more than half-way through the school year.  Is she involved in activities outside of school where she can find a group to hang out with?  These situations certainly bring out the mother bear in us and we so want to fight their battles for them.  Can't, of course, but definitely want to confront those little jerks and give them what for.  I would be devastated if I found out my child was bullying someone else.  When I look back at my own situation, I'm happier to have been the victim than the perpetrator.  I can live with myself knowing I never did anything to intentially hurt another child.

I send many hugs to you both.

Brigid

[Healing&Hopeful]

Oh Mum… I am so sorry to hear what your D and you are going through at the moment.

I find all your stories so…. Oh god, I can’t find the right word, heart rendering, is that right?  I’m not sure, but they reach into the core of me.

Mum… I feel you are amazing and your D is so lucky to have a Mum like you.

I wasn’t badly bullied, and I had a small group of friends at middle school.  However a fair amount of people at school decided I had a bum which sticked out and called me “duck”, then I had chicken legs and people used to squark at me like a chicken, with the movements.  This went on from age 11-16.  My stepdad used to say just tell them “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”.  Big help – not!  Say that and they would just move onto using sticks and stones.  And Mum didn’t have anything to offer me.  It’s not their fault though because they didn’t know how to deal with it.

I have hated my bum for years, and only recently, as my H loves my bum, have begun to like and accept it, accept the shape of me.

I really hope you get things sorted soon Mum. 

Take care

H&H xx

[mum]

Thanks for the caring. My daughter went to school Friday, and told me not much happened.  She has decided to hang tough, and not involve the adults...yet. She does have some good friends who are sticking by her. It helps that she was one of two girls in her school who auditioned for HS choir and made the top choir.  That helped (even though she acknowledges she probably won't be here anyway, but she knows how important auditioning is anyway).

I can totally understand her wanting to move at this point and fortunately we are more than half-way through the school year.

Brigid, we are not moving now, but after this school year is over. Her "wanting" to move is not so bad, as I am moving and am hoping her father will not object to her going with me, as then she will be forced to "choose".(she wants to move, but way more so the other day, of course)

Is she involved in activities outside of school where she can find a group to hang out with?

Yes, luckily, she does have other outlets....probably not enough, though.
The funny thing is that after MY trigger on all of this, and feeling so bad....she is pretty resilient and doing ok.   She was with a group of friends at a concert (with me) Friday night , where her brother's band won a huge competition (HUGE, but I'm too paranoid to get into it...as that would make me not so anonymous here). I am sure she feels a little more cool because of that, too.

I talked to other people about all this, and middle school really is tough, we all agree.

When I look back at my own situation, I'm happier to have been the victim than the perpetrator

I TOTALLY agree!  I have often thought this, too.

[mudpuppy]

Hi mum,

We had a good friend (single mom) who had the most saintly, sweet cute little daughter with these huge dimples. She was very kind and innocent but for some reason, maybe because she was kind and innocent, she was tormented and bullied in school. They moved here from SoCal so she was new and came in the middle of the school year and for whatever reason had a hard time making friends in school. In our church however she was very popular and her and our daughter became great friends.
To make a long story short, they moved to North Carolina to be near our friends mom, and now the little girl has more friends at her new school than she knows what to do with, so I can understand your daughter's desire to move and I bet she finds a better situation in your new home. When things are bad change is good. When things are good change is inevitable.
God bless.

mud