He's gotten ahold of his gun

[movinon]

Well, the DA's office would not issue a PO b/c we have already filed for divorce.  And, since he hasn't "done anything" since I left him in Sept. '04. 

I did talk to my new lawyer after that.  She seems like she will be really good.  She is filing for a TRO and supervised visitation.  She also requested the services of a GAL AND evaluator (b/c he is so tight, he may want to settle once he hears the cost). 

He is supposed to be with my daughter tonight, but I will keep her.  We have NO ORDERS, and my attny. says if I can get something from CPS that says he's under investigation, that will prevent the police taking his side.  At the DA's office, they said to make sure to tape the conversation (where he will be angry and probably threaten me) and call the police as soon as he shows up at my door.  So I'm preparing for more drama this afternoon.

I was feeling pretty good after that meeting until I passed by his house and saw him (off work) in his lawn chair smoking a cigar and posing for a woman.  Talk about knife to the gut.  I didn't expect to have that feeeling.  I knew about her, but man does that hurt.
He's been telling everyone in meeting what a bitch I am and that he was such a devoted husband.  Devoted??!! - not even 2 months later and he's already got a woman?   

I know, it's none of my business, but I just wanted to VENT 

Movinon

[mudpuppy]

Hi movinon,

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know but please be extra careful from here on out. When their fantasy world gets threatened, somebody as unbalanced as your STBEX can become very unpredictable.
Take every precaution you can think of.

mud

PS. I don't believe alcoholism can be used to take a firearm from someone, unfortunately. It has to be an illegal substance, although your state might have a law in this regard.

[movinon]

Mud -

Hell, I'm in the deep South.  People would probably think there was something wrong with a man that didn't drink alcohol and have a gun!

Movinon

[Hopalong]

Mud honey,

Can we crack just one little joke about birdshot now, huh? Pleeeeeeeease?

Okay, I won't.
(Boy am I being wicked tonight.)

(((((Mud))))) (((((MovinOn)))))

Hops

[mudpuppy]

Hoppy,

You can crack wise all you want.

mud

[movinon]

WIERD! WIERD! WIERD!

I made the decision to NOT have my daughter go to her father's house tonight and was expecting nuclear fallout as I did not inform him of this.  We have been doing this schedule for almost 1 1/2 years.  Well, no call, no visit.  I am grateful, but VERY confused. 

He usually picks her up from daycare (and actually FORGOT about her last week).  I am on my guard b/c he is such a schemer, planner, always thinking 3 steps ahead.  What's going on?!!!

I'm thinking it's the effects of the new woman in his life.  He's an EXTREME sex and love addict (among all his other lovely qualities) and I am remembering when we first got together.  It was ALL ME - the kids were something hanging aroung the edges of "THE PASSION"

I'm feeling really hurt for my daughter.  I did not tell her her daddy was supposed to pick her up and didn't show or even call.  Man this is some sickness.  Has the woman's little girl replaced his own daughter?  Well, she will NEVER hear that from ME!

I'm going to do my "thing" to get myself to a place of serenity about this.  Thinking about all the things that may have happened is DRIVING ME CRAZY!  I will let my higher power take this one.

Movinon

[Hopalong]

MovinOn, hon,
I wonder if in some way it might possibly be a blessing that he's starting to fixate on another (unfortunate) woman?

For you and your D...?

You are taking ahold of your strength and you are strategizing and thinking things through and he's thinking...with his little brain.

It is a bald shock to see how quickly an N can replace you...but at some level, for me, it also registered as a further confirmation of how glad I was in hindsight that it ended.

Make any sense?
You must be zapped through with adrenalin from all this...(((MovinOn)))

Glad you have "the thing" to do to take care of yourself.
That sounds GOOD.

Hops

[mum]

  I will let my higher power take this one.

Good to hear this Movinon. I am glad you have some spiritual practice in place to clear this crap.  He sure can sling it. I am focuing on you, sending you peace and strength (that I suspect you have a lot of...but we can always use some for back up!)

[movinon]

Bean, Hops, Mum - Thank you again for the support.  I am happier today and aware of the sick feeling in my stomach.  I am determined not to let it run me though.

Hops - Yes, it is more of a belssing than I know, AND it hurts somehow.  How the heck does that make any sense after everything he's done?

There is a chance that I will see him (an his gf I'm sure) tonight as there is a celebration I have to be at.  My plan is to sit in the front so I can not see them "flirting" and to leave my children in the care of someone he doesn't know and that I trust implicitly.

Movinon

[write]

There is a chance that I will see him (an his gf I'm sure) tonight as there is a celebration I have to be at.  My plan is to sit in the front so I can not see them "flirting"

just don't go if it will make you uncomfortable.

[Hopalong]

Hey Movinon,

I agree strongly with Write and would add these thoughts to consider:

You can "call in sick".
If it will destabilize you or increase the threat level (as in, if there's any chance that seeing you might trigger increased aggression on his part, even if it comes next week)...I would also say: don't go. A few days ago you were terrified about what this person might do with his GUN, and you want to be in the same room, concert hall, restaurant? (I'm not getting it. Help me.)

Imho, NO celebration, ever, is "obligatory" enough to be more important than you safely and swiftly strategizing your life AWAY from contact with this person. Minimizing it at every possible opportunity and by every choice. For your daughter's sake. And your own.

I hope you'll decide not to expose yourself to him unecessarily. If that hurt you mentioned is a kind of ambivalence (yearning to see him in spite of everything)--you're not weird: so many abused people--even while trying to move on--do feel ambivalent, feeling the "tug" of being attached to the abuser. But if you are feeling that kind of feeling, I'd suggest: try to pull your ambivalence up into the blasting sunlight and give it a good, long, what-is-reality kind of stare.

You are a smart woman, Movin. (Now I'm really dishing out advice, hope it's okay.) I'd suggest: Ask yourself what you really want (in your life, not in the short-term). If you want consider a different decision about this event, maybe contemplating that very deeply could be helpful.

Sorry for sounding so opinionated but I am feeling an urge to protect you (maybe even a little, to protect you from yourself). Or maybe I'm having an unhelpful fixit fit. If this is unhelpful, please ignore it.

I don't know what the occasion is, but I know you and your daughter deserve to be exposed as minimally as possible to a poisonous dangerous man who is still fighting you and actively interested in damaging your life.

Sounds to me like having dinner with a rattlesnake. Even if you can't "see" him, won't you hear the rattle and imagine the fangs?

It's just what strikes me (no pun intended).

Be good to yourself,

Hops

[movinon]

Hops and write - Thank you for speaking your truth.

Gotta get a little more clear here.  The weekend I was on was a woman's empowerment weekend where I am part of the staff (a leader in training actually).  This is MY turf.  The sticky part is that there is a "brother" organization just for men and a lot of women go through after their husbands do.  It is an honoring ceremony for the women that have just had their guts exposed and repllaced.  I have A LOT of support there (this is part of my support network).  Unfortunately, BOTH of our support systems come from this place and from our mutual 12-step program (that also has mostly gender-divided meetings).  It's been difficult b/c some people find it too difficult to maintain relations w/ both sides andneed to choose a side.  (Doesn't that happen in MOST divorces?)

I don't want to be chased out of town and away from my support (women and men that love me) b/c of him.  I can say it's truely not b/c I want to see him (today, at least).  He makes me want to puke.  There will be LOTS of people there who know BOTH of us, so I'm not worried about his behavior there. 

My daughter is set to be w/ a friend's house and he has no idea where she lives.

Luckily, he seems more eager to not have contact w/ me! 

Movinon

[Hopalong]

Well that makes a lot of sense.
I'm sorry for the condescension of the "protection"!
Sounds like you have your wits about you, as well as good support.

(I can understand better now why you refuse to be peeled away from
there. It sounds like a strong and EMPOWERING community.)

I hope you have a gooooood time. You do such meaningful work and
this does sound like a very important milestone for you and your community.

And thanks for correcting my assumptions so politely. M.O.! Wow.
(Interesting that I intuited I was having a "Fixit Fit". Busted!)


Hops

[movinon]

Hops,  No offense taken at ALL!!  I'm hearing that you care and how could I be offended by that?

I was SOOOOO good tonight.  I called about five friends and had them save me a seat between them up in the front.  I didn't want to have to see them fawning all over each other.

Sure enough, he showed up with her (hand in hand I think - I saw a glimpse of him with a dark head bobbing next to him and immediately turned away).  I warned my support, positioned myself strategically and never looked into the crowd when I was up there.  I took my appointed seat between my "sisters" and NEVER looked back the entire time.  I also made sure to allow myself to laugh and have fun. At one point, some people were introduced in the crowd and everyone turned around to look...

NOT ME!!  I'm blessed to have friends that would not tell me anything either (Where are they?  Is she pretty?  WHo are they sitting by?  Are they looking at me?)  Nope, don't even BOTHER to ask.  By the time it was over, they were GONE!!!!

Man, does this feel so much better than having had another knife thrust into my stomach!

I'm pumped!  To quote Bruce Willis "Yippie ky yeah m*#ther f*#@er!!"

Sorry, I know that was crass, but I feel ready for battle!

Movinon

[mum]

Oh, I love hearing these powerful stories. Thanks for sharing.....this can be done. I know you don't want to focus, but what the hell is wrong with that guy, bringing his new "thang" to that function.  Soooo glad you will be rid of him soon. Don't be too sad for your daughter that he is bailing a bit...what I wouldn't give for my exN to disappear....oh, wait, he is now in Italy!!!  But when he gets back he will force himself back into our lives....yuck.
Anyway, I think you are amazing.  Send me some of the power.... I could always use it.