wow, the plot thickens

[darky]

as some of you may be aware i have been digging around my past trying to find out information and get the truth about my mother. i got my hospital records yesterday. the history was scary!!
when i was just 18months old, i was accused of pulling my 4month old sister out of her relaxer chair and causing concussion, a pretty mean feat for a baby eh?? after this "incedent" occured i was sent to an "oportunity playgroup" and i stayed there until i was 5 and old enough for school. when i was just 5 years old, my younger sister was 4 months old and suffered a fracture to her leg, guess what? i did that too!! hmmmm!! my mother was reported to the local authority for abuse and neglect and a social worker was involved due to my mothers negitive attitude towards me. the most disturbing thing i read was this. my mother never wanted girls, she only wanted boys. she always made that clear. on my notes i was reported to have got upset saying "when i was a baby i was a boy and had a different name, i wish i was a boy"  how freeeeeeky. i was described as a wicked and difficult child and had caused my mother misery from the day i was born. the consultant at the hospital reported that she was frustrated with my mother as it was clear my mothers expectations of me were clearly higher than could be expected of me at such a young age. she said she was concerned that my mother was seeking perfection and had to remind my mother i was a child who needed her love and attention.

the plot thickens!! what do you all think!! has this got "n" written all over it???

[movinon]

((((((((((((((darky)))))))))))))))))

I'm SOOOOO sorry.  This sounds absolutely HORRIBLE!!!!  To blame a poor child for all of those things is absolutely unbeleivable.  To think you were even not wanted is even more disturbing.  I hope your life got a little better.

What's an opportunity playgroup?  How long were yu there?  Was it just during the day?

Movinon

[mum]

Ok Darky, you do know your mom was one sick puppy, now. Is that a relief or just sad? I felt sad for you, as I pictured my kids as that young and never in a million years would I blame a child for such things...it's just so horrible. Your mother was very very sick. You are doing such a great job getting to the bottom of where you came from...I am sure you will get great insights from this during therapy, too.

[Hopalong]

Darky,
Huge dittos to Bean:

Who would ever describe a child that age like that?!!  yes, only a N, I believe.

Boy do I ever want to bring that precious little girl inside you up into my arms and into the sunshine and swing her gently and tell her over and over, you are a precious child, you hold a piece of the spark of the light of the universe, and this world is so blessed that you are here.

Consider it thought and prayed and said and wished and hoped and sent.

I'm so sorry you were so unappreciated.
THAT IMAGE SHE GAVE YOU OF YOURSELF WAS FROM HER BROKEN MIRROR.

Please...keep looking and looking at happy and relaxed little girls wherever you see them, until you see yourself there too.

((((Darky))))

Hopalong

[darky]

thankyou so much guys. finding this all out actually just leads to more questions. my sister is going to get her records now to see what that has to say.
there is a whole heap of emotions at the momment, but i have to say mostly relief. for years i know how i felt. unloved, unwanted but my mother tried to turn those feelings onto me, making out it was my problem. when ever i tried to get my mothers love, she told me something was wrong with me.
i guess this is why i have never been able to let things go. getting my notes is a protest, getting my notes sets me free from guilt and blame.

i had memories about all this, i had memories of having the brain scan, staying in hospital. it was like trying to read a novel with several pages missing. my mother refused to explain to me what happened and why.her excuse was she had forgotten. when i told her i would get my notes, she used emotional blackmail on me, and looking back now, i think this is the main reason for her devaluing me. i think she knew i would find out and got rid of me so she wasnt around when i did.

i have tried asking the local authority about the oportunity playgroup, it does not exist anymore. the opinion seems to be that it was a place i could go to mix with peers, give my mother a break whilst being observed for my behaviour.

im still dealing with what i have found and im not sure what the next step is. i do feel more at peace with myself though, so thats one good thing!!

[movinon]

I totally agree with bean.  It's time to give your little girl what she didn't get, and the woman in you can do that!   

Movinon