Just a nice whine

[Hopalong]

Well hi there,
Since a meeting with my remaing boss Thurs. I've been pretty demoralized. I've been knocking myself out to make him look good, and I'm doing high-end editing that makes his grant$$$ acceptable to turn in. Anyway, long story short, he wants me to commit to memory the first time I hear any detail the elaborate gov't grant procedures I've never been involved in before. He tencs to communicate in vague phrases and leaves the rest to me to figure out on my own--minimal guidance. So, I asked him a question and he sort of snapped, we already discussed that (a few weeks earlier)...Get it right the first time. (Never mind that he makes mistakes himself that I have guided him through, and courteously, since he has very bad eyesight and is pretty dependent on my tactful coaching.) I was just stunned. I'd been putting in long grueling hours making him look good (and succeeding, he'd praised the work if not me). After that remark the next thing he said is, do you think you have ADHD? I stuffed my shock (he's not an MD and he's my boss)...and just said quietly, I dont think so, do you? And he said oh I think that's a real possibility... I just said, well, if I don't retain something now and then, I've been thinking it more likely about stress. (Like having my job survival held over my head nonstop and no support or guidance or help??? Plus NMom' care?)

Long story short, to please my employer I'm giving an ADHD drug a trial run. But I felt humiliated and disrespected the way he handled it. (When I asked for the Rx my M.D. went nuts, said it was borderline unethical to have this academic researcher "diagnosing" me, much less making me feel my job depends on me taking a drug that he's doing research on. But he agreed to let me do a trial run, even though he doesn't think I meet the criteria. He thinks it's stress, constant pain, etc.)

Then I talked to my T last Monday and his diagnosis was a lot simpler. He said, "You work for jerks." Was nice to have the validation...but over the week I sank into kind of a despairing stupor.

I'll snap out of it and start functioning again...but when I feel lonely/isolated/exhuasted/in pain/and especially unappreciated/as well as worried/stressed/fearful about employment... it's just something I wanted to whine about.

Compared to the serious life challenges (and equally serious courage and dignity) I see on this board I should be embarrassed, but I figure you guys will bear with me. It's really just a vent...I expect tomorrow a.m. I'll feel a lot better just from having summarized this tonight.

Thanks for listening!
Hopalong

[Plucky]

WHAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!

Some jerk of a 'boss' makes completely out of line comments and you as a result start on medication you don't need!!!!!!?????????    Am I hearing this right?????? I mean reading.   Iyiyiyiyiyiiii!

Hoppy!   Snap out of it!   You're toooooooo nice!  Please!   Before I bust a gut!   Get in touch with your inner bitch!   Yours is one of those simpering lapdogs.  Trade it in for a bulldog honey!   

Ok I will try to say something useful rather than just scream.   You have given above and beyond the call of duty to that evil dog you call a boss.  In return he has crapped all over you.  Try a different strategy.  Behave as if you were a short-timer, don't really like him, don't care about his success, just want to do enough to go home every day.  Do it with a smile or a sneer, whatever suits you.  It doesn't matter.

You will not get ahead with this person by being nice.  By being nice, all you are doing is to invite him to treat you like a doormat.        There is no point to being helpful with him.  It will only make things worse.

Some people are like that.  You just can't be nice to them.  It brings out the worst in them.   On the other hand, by being strict with them, you help them by bringing out the best behaviour.  Does that help? 

You are just so nice Hops!   To everyone but you!

Do you realise that taking unecessary meds is bad for your health?

Aaaarrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Plucky. Grrrowll. WOOF.
I know, I don't really want the Rx but I have a short-term goal: I simply want to leave this job in July with an excellent reference. I am willing to suck it up and play things his way untiil then. This guy goes have a sort of a conscience that works...on Sundays...but if it's not working as my position winds to a close, he'd sabotage me with a bad evaluation which would screw my chances of my next job with the best and largest employer in town. I'll be 56 by then, in competition for every possible slot with leagues of frisky young things. So I've got no choice but to fall in line for now, I think. And, because I do meet SOME of the ADHD descriptors, I'm curious enough to take the stuff. My MD and my T say a trial run won't harm me.

all in all a crappy rationale for going along with bad treatment, but it's a survival strategy for now.
Really helped to hear your indignation though ... and if the Rx bother me one bit, off with them.

Thanks again for the rousing support, Plucky.

Happy Monday (oxymoron if I ever heard one),
Hops

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((((Hoppy)))))))))

I have to say that my reaction was the same at Plucky’s!

This reminds me of reading on this board, the child who’s Mum gave her medication to calm her down because her Mum couldn’t deal with her, even though the kid was normal.

Hoppy…. Your boss CAN’T give you a bad reference… they are not allowed to.

I'll snap out of it and start functioning again...but when I feel lonely/isolated/exhuasted/in pain/and especially unappreciated/as well as worried/stressed/fearful about employment... it's just something I wanted to whine about.
Do you have to feel all these things to feel like you’re able to have a whine?  Half of those and I’d be whining my ass off.

You are a fabulous person Hoppy honey… maybe you don’t believe me but you are, and you are worth more than these jerks, so much more.

Maybe a way to look at it is to have a plan ready for next time.  I can understand your reaction, why you have started to take the medication.  I know my gut reaction is “oh god, what have I done wrong?” which I’m starting to realise isn’t necessarily really beneficial to me. (sorry N spot!).  Maybe next time he says something uncomplimentary about you to you, or about having AHAD, or about “getting it right first time”, be ready with a response.  Something like, “luckily many others at work realise my value”… or “At least I don’t think I have AHAD”… or “I’m human and I make mistakes”  I love Portia’s attitude here actually… she says “it’s not as if anyone’s actually died?”  I’ve started to look at things like this…. “Well, I’ve not lost the company a shed load of money”

So maybe you can post here…. Post a list of responses, that can be said in a calm way…. I think even “It’s unacceptable for you to speak to me like that” could be a good response…. “I am doing a good job here and I’d appreciate it if you’d acknowledge it”….

Ok…. Over to you…. Responses please

(((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))

H&H xx

[Portia]

Hopalong.....
You boss is a bully, a jerk, a loser, a.......(I was pretty angry earlier and couldn't have said what i thought) and hey:

Compared to the serious life challenges (and equally serious courage and dignity) I see on this board I should be embarrassed,
But you're not? Good.  Good. Good.  Everything is how it affects the person affected. I think there is no moral 'scale' that says x is worse than y. Well maybe I do but that's my opinion. But not about stuff and people here.

Back to you Hops.

Do you have an HR dept? Do they know about this harrassment? I mean.....I'm almost speechless.

Why can't he leave instead of you?????????? ((((Hopalong)))))

[Hopalong]

Thanks, guys. What a warm armload of support to come home to.
I'm perking up a bit...maybe it was just the kick in the pants to help me let go the last fantasy of the current job working out long-term.
I actually have no rights whatsoever, including with HR, since they manuevered me into a new period of probation (so they wouldn't have to commit any further funds to keep me full time--AFTER I got their grants cleaned up, of course). Probabtionary employees can't assert spit.

Anyway, I've signed a contract for a small freelance thing...am eating better after a wnd of bingeing, and feel ready to start taking care of myself again. Next up...more serious job hunt, on a regular basis.

It's going to be a hard slog until I find a new way/place to work, but I'm ready to go for it.

Thanks so much for the affirming indignation and support, all of you!

Mega hugz,
Hops

[Plucky]

Hoppy,
I am going to be really honest here.
You have jumped right past the real issue.

The real issue, is that you are too accomodating.  And that this strategy has never worked, except when you were a child.  And now, it is making you sick.  But you are too uncomfortable to try something different, something radically difficult, something way way out of your comfort zone, something you were never brought up to try.
You still think that being nicer and nicer to that serpent, your boss, will result in his being nice to you in the end.  You are counting on it.
I refer you to numerous fairy tales and fables.  The Brahmin and the Tiger.  Something about a snake, I forget the title.  I refer you to your own mother.
The only way to fight fire is with fire.    A leopard will never change its spots.  An old dog has no need, especially with a juicy bone like you around, to learn new tricks.
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Plucky,
Youre right, but I really DO have no power as an employee in a probationary period. I talked to HR, I talked to a friend who worked in this huge organization's HR dept. for 17 years. If I assert myself in the WRONG way to this boss I could be dumped overnight. Can't afford that.

I do have a plan that's not tigress, but at least is fighting for myself. And that is, I've already asked him if we can talk about my position for a half hour after this grant is turned in. (he said, okay...)The thing is, he's very religious, and I think he on one level behaves like an entitled jerk when his ambition is on fire (90% of the time)...but there is another side to him that has a conscience. So, I'm going to walk him through EXACTLY what I am working toward (his excellent reference in July) and why I believe it is fair. I'm also going to spell out the ramifications for me...that the organization's HR dept. will try to help you find another place if your job is lost due to a funding situation rather than a performance issue. I do actually have the confidence to address that directly and honestly with him.

In a nutshell I'm going to make it as difficult as possible for him to sandbag and manipulate me as he did last time. He had a rationale for it but it was full of holes, and on some level I think he was uncomfortable about it. It's just the Jekyll-Hyde thing, and I'm going to make an advance appointment with Dr. Jekyll.

If it doesn't work, so be it, but he even said to me once, "I think everybody has the right to stick up for themselves." So be it!

Will do my best (and take my secret bag of defense dogs with me, thanks!)
Hops

[Plucky]

Hops,
I'm glad you have a plan.    I just want to summarise.

If I assert myself in the WRONG way to this boss I could be dumped overnight.

Really!   It sounds like you have saved this guy's patootie more than once.  Was he grateful?  Nooooo.   Did he appreciate anything?  Nooooo.  Did he berate you and insult you and make inappropriate remarks and insinuations, leading to your actually going on meds your own doctor says are unneeded?  Yes. However, had you not been there, what would have happened to him!

This time though,  if you lay out how you really really need him to Do the Right Thing, he will adhere to his previously un-acted-upon coinscience and help you, even though you have no leverage over him at all in future, and if you look good suddenly now, I guess he was wrong before about you!   That you did antually save his worthless butt.   That it wasn't him, being superhumanly wonderful, who compensated for the awful mistakes you made, it was actually competent you!

Any questions?
Plucky

[movinon]

Hops -

Get off the drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean it.  I teach children and see them on these untested drugs (and they ARE untested for long-term effects) coming in like zombies.  It's horrible!!!  Other teachers want to take the spirit out of these children and make them little soldiers.  They can barely SMILE.  I went to an all-day symposium on the best, newest, miracle ADHD drug -sickening.

I will echo what everyone has said - your boss is a JERK.

Do they make a drug for THAT?

Movinon

[Hopalong]

Hi you supportive wonderful people each of whom should get a personalized thank you...
thank you!
I'm too sleeepy (might be the ADHD med) to give you the thanks you deserve.
I'm only going to try it for a month, honest. Takes that long to see what it does.

And if it should help me focus, stop procrastinating, and kick out the jams for my job search, I wont be too sorry. (I've heard that flaxseed oil, the Omega 6's, can have a similar effect and is good for depression too. I'm taking that too.)

I am so grateful for your caring, protective voices.

I was thinking about all of you in meditation at Vespers tonight...what gratitude I feel for this board, and how real you are to me.

Love to all and to all a good night!
(More soon on the job deal...)

Hugs,
Hops

[Plucky]

Hops,
you are nothing but a big old cream puff.  How can you respond to my wicked sarcasm  with a thank you?   Fine, just send your boss up here so I can kick his butt.
Plucky

[Hopalong]

 

thanks, he's on his way, Miz Portia!

Hops