Hi Longtire,
When I was 14 my parents split up. Mostly I felt relief because our family had not gotten along very well over the years. It was suddenly peaceful for the first time and so it felt like an improvement. My sister was gone around the same too. Now, looking back, I think my sister being gone was the real reason for the peacefulness.
As for my father being gone, he was pretty devastated by the split and holed up for a good long time--I didn't hear from him for many, many months. But like I said,at the time, it seemed like an improvement. It was never easy for the two of us to get along because we were similarly high-strung and awkward people. Plus, I wanted to start being more feminine and becoming a woman, even though my mother had little interest in me. So, I kind of pushed my father away sometimes because of that. He liked car-racing, guns, football, "boy"stuff. Interestingly enough, he did want to be close sometimes and talk about real things with me, but I wasn't ready for that at that age. Plus, he was just a very quirky person, not always easy to understand or talk with. He knew that about himself and couldn't really relax with other people very well. I'm like that too, I guess.
Eventually he thought to start taking me skiing when he realized we were both interested in that. We had many ski outings that I will always cherish the memory of. He gave me ski equipment and taught me how to wax my skiis, gave me a subscription to a skiing magazine, watched skiing on TV. It was a low-pressure way to keep the connection when there wasn't much else going for it. And this hobby that he nurtured led to me joining ski club in school and that gave me some new friends and good memories.
Later on, when I became pregnant at 18, my mother tried to kick me out of the house ( I called her bluff and stayed). He was the one who didn't judge me and was only supportive. I will always remember that as well. There had been many, many small hurts over the years and much disconnection but when it came to something really big and important, he could learn and grow and rise to the occasion.
What I'm getting at is, perhaps there is some distance, and it could come from many reasons, some of which are the age and stage she is at. Her emotional maturity will grow and develop. Keep thinking of things to do with her and making those efforts. It may always be somewhat complicated, but making the effort to do things with her that you and she both enjoy will make a difference and it will keep the connection alive.
Everyone here is giving great advice and perspectives.
PP
