Author Topic: Reaching my daughter  (Read 2163 times)

longtire

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Reaching my daughter
« on: February 27, 2006, 11:32:30 PM »
I am feeling so melancholy and sad tonight.  I just finished writing my daughter an Email to ask her to contact me.  I saw movinon's thread about her ex not having contact with their daughter.  Here I am chasing after mine.  After setting a day to come over a couple of weeks ago, she didn't show.  I've called and left messages several times since then to tell her that I love her and would like to talk with her or see her.  So far, nothing.

I moved out last spring because living with her mother was making me sick.  I believe her mother has Borderline PD.  I hadn't slept a full night in the 4 weeks leading up to leaving.  Since then there have been several stretches of weeks where my daughter does not answer her phone or get back with me.  She is 17 with her own car, so not a little girl anymore.  When she is with me she seems her bubbly self and doesn't give any indication of anything wrong.

The last time we talked, I told her that I missed spending time with her and wanted to know if we could work out some times that were good for her.  We set something up and then she didn't show.  All in all I am doing pretty well with the separation and divorce, but this feels like its going to eat a hole in my stomach right now.  The worst part is wondering if my daughter is hurt or angry because of the split, or if her mother has been telling her lies, either direct or passive-aggressively.  My biggest fear is that my not yet ex-wife has started treating my daughter the way she treated me all those years.  That was one of the reasons I stayed as long as I did, to act as a lightning rod to protect my daughter.

I could use any support I can get right now.   :cry:  Any daughters out there who've been through something like this?  Fathers?  Happy endings?  Explanations?
longtire

- The only thing that was ever really wrong with me was that I used to think there was something wrong with *me*.  :)

Marta

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2006, 11:59:53 PM »
(((((Longtire))))))

My Nmum told me lies about my dad when I was growing up. He was the villain who had hurt her, and I sure took him to be one until I was 23. It affected my relationship with him because I turned against him, disliked him, and that in turn impacted how he treated me. It is difficult to say whether chicken came first or egg.

But yes, there is a happy ending to it. When I moved out and started living on my own, I realized that there was something wrong with my Mom, something very wrong about the way she talked about my dad. It was a gradual journey of repairing my relationship with my dad. But I saw how badly he had been treated. I am quite certain that your daughter will see the light someday. You really sound like a super terrific dad and I can't see how your daughter can reject you -- she needs you. Don't get off the high road you've chosen to not speak against your ex to your daughter. I am sure that your nobility will pay off.

Marta

Hopalong

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2006, 04:50:00 AM »
Longtire,
I can't imagine how painful this is for you....well, I can. I am so sorry.
I agree that you're setting a good foundation by not "badmouthing" your ex in your daughter's presence...and i know how hard it must feel to wait.

Just keep calling her, or however you contact her.
Just keep asking, never stop.

It's got to hurt a lot to feel she's letting go of you, but she may just be overwhelmed by events.
Stay as steady as you can and never stop telling her you love her (it can be said without melodrama, just quietly as the close of a talk...adolescents get touchy about too much passionate attention from any parent). But never stop telling her.

By your persistence, she'll know. And she's probably just overwhelmed with all the thinking she's got to do. She's growing through a terribly painful passage that changes everything about her life.

Be the steady, loving,, I-will-never-leave-or-abuse-you presence in her life.
She'll come around...

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Portia

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2006, 07:35:39 AM »
Hello Longtire, you do sound sad, I’m sorry.

Has she lost her cell-phone? Have you called the house?

If she was due to visit and didn’t turn up, what did you do – did you speak to your ex etc.

I mean…..do you know what’s going on in her life (is she ill etc)?

I’m looking for practical reasons …. hoping it isn’t emotional reasons to do with you (or her perception of you)…

Healing&Hopeful

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2006, 07:41:06 AM »
Dear dear sweet Longtire

When I read your post I can feel what a loving, kind and wonderful father you are.

Unfortunately the only person who can give you an explanation is your daughter.  She may be hurt and angry because of the split.  She will definitely feel something about it as it’s a big change for her too, but what she will feel, I don’t know.  Sometimes hurt, sometimes angry, sometimes maybe even relief depending on how she saw your relationship with her mum.

I think that you’re doing the right thing by getting in touch with her and trying to organise things with her.  I remember when I was 17, and going clubbing and my friends were far more important than my parents, so it could be that as well.  A sort of (well for me anyway) I can live forever feeling at that age if that makes any sense.

One thing that has just sprung to mind is, when you’re meeting up, is she coming over to yours?  I know she can drive and easily come over, but sometimes as a kid/teenager, you need to be shown that you matter.  Sometimes a little thing like going over to pick her up and take her out can mean a lot, a little action which can mean a lot more than any words.

Happy Ending?  Lets hope so ((((((((Longtire)))))))

Best wishes and take care

H&H xx
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To let u know, life ain't so bad
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Brigid

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2006, 08:38:20 AM »
longtire,
I'm sorry for how sad this is making you.  So many of us here wish we could have had a father who cared half as much about us as you do about your daughter. 

I have a 17-year-old daughter too, who is trying to figure out her relationship with her father.  Believe me, he is not trying half as hard as you are, but she does see him on a regularly scheduled basis (he would never think to call and ask her to spend time outside of that). 

I would suggest that you contact your attorney and see if you can set up some joint appointments with a child pschologist with you and your wife so you can talk through this with a professional who can hopefully get through to your w how important your involvement in your daughter's life is.  The psych may also suggest that your d join you after a time.  My ex and I did this after we had been separated for a time and it did help somewhat (in our case the situation was a bit more reversed). 

You need to establish a regular visitation time with her so the two of you get into a routine.  She is still a minor so you still have some control.  I know you want her to come to it on her own, but unless you can actually talk to her and try to reconnect she will probably continue to avoid you.  She is confused and struggling with the age she is and all that goes along with that.  She may also be hearing negative things from your w which is only making her more conflicted.  Do you have any kind of relationship with any parents of her friends?  Maybe they could help you to understand what is going on with her and you could enlist their help to bring her around.  Often they hear things that the child's own parents do not.  I know that to be true in my house.

Is she involved in school activities or sports which you can support and attend, i.e., music concerts, plays, debate team or sporting competitions?  If so, you ABSOLUTELY need to be there and showing your support.  They remember this very clearly and appreciate your presence.  If you don't know, find out ASAP.  Do you attend parent-teacher conferences?  Also a way to stay connected.  You must be proactive in finding out what is going on in her life and make yourself visible as often as you can.  Trust me, I know what I'm talking about and am surrounded with all the same issues.  If you want any specific help with this, feel free to PM me and I'll offer what I can.

Hugs,

Brigid

movinon

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2006, 08:59:03 AM »
((((((((((Longtire)))))))))))))

I'm SO sorry this is happening to you and to her.  I hear the pain you are carrying around this and my heart goes out to you.  Consistancy is key here.  Keep letting her know that you are a constant and you care.  Send her cards on holidays, attend her events (very importnat at this age, bring her fast food for her school lunch).  I always tell my daughter, "No matter what you do, I will ALWAYS love you."  Keep letting your daughter know that.

SHe's probably in a lot of turmoil living with your stbxw.  I agree w/ other posters that friends are SO important to teens.  She WILL come around. And she is VERY, VERY LUCKY to have a father that loves her so much.

Movinon
An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.

pennyplant

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2006, 09:14:25 AM »
Hi Longtire,

When I was 14 my parents split up.  Mostly I felt relief because our family had not gotten along very well over the years.  It was suddenly peaceful for the first time and so it felt like an improvement.  My sister was gone around the same too.  Now, looking back, I think my sister being gone was the real reason for the peacefulness.

As for my father being gone, he was pretty devastated by the split and holed up for a good long time--I didn't hear from him for many, many months.  But like I said,at the time, it seemed like an improvement.  It was never easy for the two of us to get along because we were similarly high-strung and awkward people.  Plus, I wanted to start being more feminine and becoming a woman, even though my mother had little interest in me.  So, I kind of pushed my father away sometimes because of that.  He liked car-racing, guns, football, "boy"stuff.  Interestingly enough, he did want to be close sometimes and talk about real things with me, but I wasn't ready for that at that age.  Plus, he was just a very quirky person, not always easy to understand or talk with.  He knew that about himself and couldn't really relax with other people very well. I'm like that too, I guess.

Eventually he thought to start taking me skiing when he realized we were both interested in that.  We had many ski outings that I will always cherish the memory of.  He gave me ski equipment and taught me how to wax my skiis, gave me a subscription to a skiing magazine, watched skiing on TV.  It was a low-pressure way to keep the connection when there wasn't much else going for it.  And this hobby that he nurtured led to me joining ski club in school and that gave me some new friends and good memories.

Later on, when I became pregnant at 18, my mother tried to kick me out of the house ( I called her bluff and stayed).  He was the one who didn't judge me and was only supportive.  I will always remember that as well.  There had been many, many small hurts over the years and much disconnection but when it came to something really big and important, he could learn and grow and rise to the occasion.

What I'm getting at is, perhaps there is some distance, and it could come from many reasons, some of which are the age and stage she is at.  Her emotional maturity will grow and develop.  Keep thinking of things to do with her and making those efforts.  It may always be somewhat complicated, but making the effort to do things with her that you and she both enjoy will make a difference and it will keep the connection alive.

Everyone here is giving great advice and perspectives.

PP
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

moonlight52

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2006, 04:29:30 PM »
longtire          there is hope out there after what seemed to be too long my sister has contacted me the 2 of us are adult children of a narcisstic father she has had no contact with him and thought for a while that any one that had any contact with our n father  even as limited as contact as i have she could not contact well i just kept  calling with love and writing loving letters and before you knew it all contact is up and running just fine please do not give up hope and just know one of these days you will get the contact
you want i never gave up and all that love by phone and letters was too much to resist     moonlight

mum

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2006, 07:36:45 PM »
Lontire. I am sorry you are feeling blue. Everyone has had great, supportive ideas to share, so I would echo those....

and add: if it's any consolation:
 I have a 17 year old. Until he turns 18, he still has to spend time at both his parent's houses....which he does, in a way (when his dad is even in the country). He basically says (not literally) "which house am I suppose to  be at this weekend so I know which house NOT to be at?"
What I am trying to say is: at 17, your parents are just backdrop to your life... they are there, and that's nice, but it's really all about friends, other activities and getting ready for "life".
I know this hurts and I agree, you should go ahead and be persistent about telling her you want to see her, but 17 year olds are more "outta here" than we  think. I do think it's reasonable to tell her you were hurt and worried by her "no show" (that's just bad manners, and although teenagers can be spacey, it's not an excuse to be rude!)
There is a great book about teenagers that is very validating, I think, and may help you feel better about what's "normal" (us divorced parents are always worried about that, huh?)
It's by Wolf: "Get out of My LIFE, but first will you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" Seriously, that is the title. It's humorous, but with lots of compassion and research based theories.

Hopalong

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2006, 10:31:34 PM »
That's a wonderful book to recommend to Longtire, Mum!

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

write

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Re: Reaching my daughter
« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2006, 01:44:29 AM »
I was just about to write to and about teenagers but mum has said it perfectly.

Keep the channels open and don't take it personally ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Now I have to write to my niece who told me this morning 'it's a dog-eat-dog world, you don't get anything by helping anyone else....'