Hey there,
Anyone who reads this probably won't have a clue who I am, but I first came across this message board 18 months ago. My name is Lissa, I'm now 19 and a half and I shared my experiences of having an N father when I first wrote here.
The last time I wrote on this was to a lovely lady by the name of Michelle who was a great support and listening ear. She suggested I seek out some counselling, and so I decided to leave this message board for a while, sort as much out in my mind as possible and then see how things go...
Update:
Went and saw a counsellor who was absolutely hopeless. Really didn't connect with me or seem interested enough to try. Her comment was "Well, you seem to understand most of what you're going through. You show great insight into your dad and seem to understand to a great extent why he is the way he is. You seem to be coping really well." So I got pretty angry and annoyed about that and decided to not go back to her.
18 months later, and things have sort of been going up and down. I think that's just the way it is when living with an N. You don't really make much progress do you... Last night was really tough - I was running late to work and had to leave in 15 minutes, and Dad interpreted that as me being 'indifferent' to him and not caring about him. When I returned from work at 11 that night, he just walked straight past me and slammed the door into his study. Mum being the darling she is walked into the study to try and figure out what was going on. The next 40 mins consisted of a heated argument all about me. I wasn't happy.
A few things I've noticed...mum has become a mediator between me and dad. Anything Dad wants to complain about regarding me, he tells mum, not me. It's too awkward for us to talk to each other about anything tough. I'm tired of never being approached by dad. Yet at the same time, I don't have the guts to approach him...is it worth it? He always over reacts and says the most irrational things and you can never win an argument against them can you... Mum has asked of me to just show love...show unending love? One of the toughest calls in life for me..
I see mum battle constantly with the guilt of wanting to leave Dad. I guess logistically mum and I are relying on Dad financially and I'm at uni now and not self sufficient... But deep down I think Mum feels tied to Dad because he's made us feel that way. The guilt they make you feel is incredible hay... Reading that post about the biggest effects living with an N has had really hit me - revealed stuff to me; such as always feeling guilty towards the N, always feeling the need to please people, difficulty making decisions, difficulty knowing what's real in my head and my thoughts and what's just irrational and mad, difficulty expressing your deepest feelings and the list goes on...
I don't think I'm a messed up case however, but I know I still have a lot of psychological stuff to work out. Doing psyc at uni actually and would love to work in family conflict resolution stuff... I think I've been so blessed to discover all this N stuff at the age of 17..it's enabled me to move forwards with the knowledge that I'm not living in a 'normal' household and hence, my mind has been able to fight against as much as possible the harmful effects that living with a depressed N can bring...
Latest addition to my family's story - my half brother who is 15 years older than me (we have same mum, but different dads however my bro was brought up by dad. Our dads are brothers just to add more of a twist) has been married for 7 years. He has two children, one 2 and the other 4. Beautiful kids. Just separated from his wife a year ago. Now his children are being terrbily affected by the upheaval. Note this interesting fact, that my brother's son (the first child) was the same age as my brother when my bro's dad divorced my mum. History repeating itself??
My brother also has no relationship with my dad. They haven't seen each other for years. Totally pulled apart the family. My brother has now gone a bit loopy I believe - struggles with depression, says things irrationally, drinks too much and is seeing another woman even though he's only separated from his darling wife. Poor woman, doesn't have a clue what family she has got messed up in. Funny isn't it, my brother left home when he was 19 to get away from my dad who couldn't cope with Jason growing up (and now that's happening to me; reason for this I believe is that growing up to dad means I'm no longer his little girl who adores him and worships him and him alone...) Where was I...yeah my brother vowed he would never be like Dad and got away from his ASAP, and in his attempt to do so, he's almost done the full circle and ended up just as depressed and confused and ignorant as him... Sad...
And me?? Well i've had a boyfriend for two years as well as my God, who have challenged me to not be the things that I could potentially fall into. There have been times that I've not wanted to express those too painful things deep down, and there are times when I have lied in order to keep the peace and avoid conflict, there are times I've just wanted to reclude back into myself and not talk to anyone, there are times when I've been so doubtful of my own ability that I just get so teary...and during all these times, my darling friend and boyfriend has pushed me NOT to do those things. He's pushed me to be open and honest with him regardless of what I fear it may result in, he's pushed me to be confident in what I say and do and his encouraging words have been amazing, he has never given up on my family or my dad and has persisted in having some sort of relationship with my dad and gets him active by playing tennis with him, he prays with me constantly and yeah... This friend has been an absolute angel and I really believe that if/when I marry this guy, we are going to go against the patterns that have occured in my family...patterns of divorce, depression and deception. It's going to be tough (I'm not being youthfully idealistic I believe), but I've announced to myself over and over again and to God that I'm not going to get sucked into depression, I'm not going to have a divorce like everyone else in my family, and I'm not going to run away when the going gets tough or pretend that I'm right when I know I'm in the wrong...something my family likes to do...
I'm different, and I've been blessed to overcome all of this...
So after a long post and boring babble (most of which I think I've just written for myself as a release and as a way of just confirming all this stuff in my own mind) I am heading off to bed.
Thanks to everyone who keeps this message board up and running. It's an amazingly supportive community here.
Praying for you all...we are a very special people, those who have lived/are living with the strange, unique and devestating N personality...God has not forgotten us.
Lissa
