I'd like to hear from Pastor's Kids on here

[healme]

Hopalong,

Thanks for the encouragement. In someways, it feels like a relief but in others, it feels hopeless. It helps that I live 4 hours away from her. But when she comes to visit.....OH My Word....It is a long recovery! I think I have found a wonderful counselor.

It is odd to me that mom  will call and if she detects that I am a little blue (although, I try to not let her know or sometimes, I just don't answer the phone), she will act like she cares. She will listen and give advice. I get sucked into she really cares about me and it is okay to trust her. But then a couple weeks later, she slams me again.

But she hates it when I am struggling. I don't know if it is because she feels guilty for my sadness or because she really believes that I should be "over it" by now. But I am still trying to figure out what "it" is. I have no clue.

healme

[reallyME]

healme,  my Mom is on Straterra.

[healme]

I have heard of this med for ADD/ADHD.   Is this also for N behavior?

[Hopalong]

I wish there were a pill for N behavior!

(Maybe some of us might've spiked a lot of Ns' cocoa by now.....)

I guess the only "cure" isn't for an N, but for us...learning to set boundaries.
It's such a challenge to do it consistently and with dignity.

Sigghh,
Hops

[reallyME]

Hop,

The experts do claim that some meds can help N's but basically I tend to agree with you, that it's up to the victims of the N to really just set the boundaries and stick to them.  If possible, get away from the N, if not, learn how they operate, learn that they can't give you what is not in them to give, go out and make some friends to support you, join a support group, get a hobby, ANYTHING, but let another controlling person DEFINE you.

ReallyME

[miss piggy]

Hello ReallyME and all,

I've been off the board for a while and decided to drop in.  Couldn't resist this topic as I am a PK as well  as N survivor. 

Ndad was a minister and is as N as they come.  I didn't know this when I was young because the minister image is tailor made for keeping kids in line.  Shoot, I didn't know what was up except that my dad is always right! 

I see no causal link between being a minister and the Nness of us kids.  I see a link in Ns being attracted to the occupation of God's mouthpiece.  Ns in any occupation are bound to breed more Ns (like my brother).  It is very important to be correct.  There was a high amount of rigidity in my family.  I googled preachers kids once and found a couple of interesting articles on when pastors' families turn out alright. that is when the pastors don't expect their families to be perfect but to be yet another example of how to deal with human problems in a Christian loving way.  Keyword: loving.  The most bitter PKs come from the hypocritical N house.

I don't want to burst anyone's God bubble, but Ns don't change.  Ever.  It's hardwired.  It would be more fruitful to focus on one's own approach or need to be with this person.  The hardest lesson I ever learned was thanks to my N/BPD SIL and that is I can only change myself.  I stopped expecting her to change and got the h*ll of out dodge.  Since then, I've been able to see my own father in a more clear-eyed way and set boundaries like crazy when he insists his needs are the most important, no, the only needs in town.

Hope this helps!  MP

[reallyME]

MP

I have a couple of comments on your post

First of all, you mention that N's breed N's.  Does this make you also an N?

Secondly, you said that N's NEVER CHANGE, which, if you read my posts, I will vehemently disagree with.  If you are an N and you have gotten "out of dodge" as you say, and are seeing things so clearly, does that not denote change in "you"?

~ReallyME

[Hopalong]

ReallyMe,
You haven't known/read MP...she's about as far from N as they come!
I'm guessing MP meant Ns often breed Ns...(there's nothing inevitable about an N parent producing only N children. Some of the kids recoil from what they sense is in an N parent, without even knowing a name for it, and grow up very different.)

MP, I think this is often true in "healing" professions as well: a link in Ns being attracted to the occupation of God's mouthpiece...[or God's hand, in the case of some surgeons].

When it comes to human interaction, I really don't want much to do with any Ns. But I'd take a fine N surgeon any day if I needed a difficult operation! Hmmm. That's kind of funny...we haven't ad a thread on the areas of life in which Ns really do contribute to the betterment of the world (apart from their families, of course).

Off to work, where I'm always frustrated by not being able to post, but I do pop in and read when I can!

Happy Monday (oxymoron) everyone,
Hops

[reallyME]

Incidentally, N's can give some rather useful information to people too...at least in my case they have.

[miss piggy]

Hey hoppy, good to hear from you!    I agree with your comment about healing professions.  Esp. given the competitiveness of the training they have to endure, in the case of MDs, and given the balance of power/control in the role of therapist. 

ReallyME, just to let you know where I am coming from, there's an article found on www.operationdoubles.com.  There is a section of that website called What Makes A Narcissist Tick.  In that section, there is an article called The Making of a Narcissist.  What I am saying is, if we find an N it is likely we will find another N relative nearby.  That doesn't make the entire family N.  I have Ns for a parent and a sibling.  There was barely room in the house for both of them.  I don't think I am a narcissist or I would not be looking into it.  But I understand that I just popped in out of nowhere and you have no point of reference on my experience. 

We'll have to agree to disagree about whether or not Ns can "change".  The biggest milestone of MY life was realizing, in my experience, that they don't.  I stopped hoping that they would and changed my outlook considerably.  It has been really freeing for me as a (I think) nonN (unN?). 

This is my response to your request to hear from PKs.  Sorry if I came on rather strong but my PKness is a big button for me.  Thanks for your interest.  MP