Re-evaluating relationships after the N

[backagain]

Hi everyone,

I am revisiting this board with a new name, after being gone for about 2 years.  When I posted before I was going through the process of evaluating whether I could stay married to someone who had many N traits, besides being unfaithful and verbally abusive.  I ended up divorcing him  - a very nasty and sometimes frightening experience - and have been divorced for about 15 months.  We were married 5 years and I thank God every day that we never had children.   I knew he was a liar when I made the decision to leave, and after leaving I found out that he had lied and hidden much more from me than I ever realized - including a previous marriage I knew nothing about, and shady (if not downright illegal) financial dealings.  I have no contact with him, and he finally stopped sending me scary 20 page tirades.  I do try to stay aware of his whereabouts just for my own peace of mind.  I will admit that I am still a little obsessed with him and trying to figure out WTF happened, but it is getting better over time. 

 My ex was very intelligent, as well as ambitious and materialistic - all things that I found attractive.  He was tall, very good-looking, and seemed to project his mood into his environment - which was great if he was happy and horrible if he was angry or unhappy.  He was ruled by his moods, and saw no reason to temper them in order to be polite or avoid making a scene.   Of course, it ends up being exhausting to be around, and I spent a lot of time trying to smooth over conflicts caused by his outbursts. 

I decided I was ready to re-enter the dating scene last summer.  I tried one of the popular online services.  I really just wanted to meet guys, circulate, and get used to the idea of dating at my own pace.  Overall, it was a good experience.  Last fall I met a very nice man through the online service and we have now been dating exclusively for several months.  I really enjoy his company, our physical chemistry is good, and overall I am pretty happy with the situation.  It is nice to be in a relationship that is not full of dramatic conflict.

The thing that is interesting to me about this - this new guy is not at all what I would have considered my type.  Ten years ago I would have never looked at him twice or ever considered dating him.  For one thing, he doesn't fit what I always considered my physical type - athletic and tall.  He is kind of short and stocky.  While he is very friendly and outgoing, he doesn't exude confidence or immediately attract the attention of everyone in the room.  He is probably one of the most good-natured and generous people I have ever met.   While I have known him long enough to see him in a grouchy mood or after a bad day, so far he hasn't ever been mean or critical of me.  The absence of this makes me realize how much of this there really was in my marriage - I almost can't believe that I lived that way or regarded it as normal.  And despite being such a "nice guy", he isn't boring - we have interesting conversations and he is very funny.   Lack of drama and conflict doesn't seem to equate a boring sex life either in this case. I still have a lot of trust issues, and I am making no long-term predictions about this new relationship, but no matter what the outcome is I think that right now this is just what I need. 

While it is a good experience, it has also been a little confusing - or maybe enlightening.  The experience of dating someone who is very different from my ex has made me wonder if I am completely wrong about my "type".  I thought I knew what I wanted and what was good for me, but now I think that perhaps I was emphasizing the wrong things, or attracted to something that was unhealthy for me.   I can see how persuasive and charismatic my ex was, and I certainly was not the only one to be seduced by him, or to discount red flags.  I see now that there were many, but he was just so intoxicating, so exciting to be around, so intense about everything - I was swept away by it.  I somehow thought that being with someone who was so overpowering emotionally would be good for me, that it would draw me out and help me to also be expressive.  Of course it worked the opposite way - there was no room for me to feel anything, our entire relationship was governed by his emotions and mood swings.   While I don't blame myself for how he treated me, it is both interesting and humbling to explore why - why did I ignore the signs, why would I love someone who couldn't properly love me, why did I think it was worth putting up with his bad treatment to be with him? 

Anyway, this is a rather long way of asking - have any of you had similar re-evaluations, etc. after exiting a relationship with a narcissitic person?   Are your priorities different now?  Thanks for reading!

Pandora (my old name)

[pennyplant]

Hi Pandora,

Just a short note as I don't have any personal experience with life after divorce.

My idea is that maybe your "type" has changed because maybe you have changed.  Maybe you have different needs now.  Or maybe a different aspect of yourself feels safe to come out now.  Maybe you have learned whatever it was you needed to learn that got you into that other relationship.

Pennyplant

[Brigid]

Hi backagain,
I could certainly relate to your story and have gone through a similar experience myself.  My exnh left me 2 1/2+ years ago for another woman and a lot of other issues I was unaware of, after 22 years of marriage and 2 children.  He was handsome, charming, successful, came from a well-to-do family and always came across as a caring, loving and sensitive man.  He was the opposite of my father, who was exactly like the first man I married and I had only recently separated from when I met husband #2.  Husband #2 was also a compulsive liar, but hid that very well from me, the kids and everyone else around him.

I was devastated when he left, but many hours of therapy and understanding of what was really going on, have made me realize how lucky I was to have him out of my life.  I did not make the same mistake I made after the first divorce and took time to grieve, analyze, understand and ultimately heal from the ending of the relationship.  I also learned in therapy why I chose the kind of men that I did, how my FOO had set me up for that, and how not to make that same mistake again. 

I am now dating a man that I met almost a year ago, dated casually for about 4 months and have been in a serious relationship with for the last 7 months.  During that entire time, I have not seen one red flag, had any drama in the relationship or needed to worry about honesty.  I would say that he is quite different from either of my first two husbands, would never be considered a "bad boy" (definitely one of my previous weak spots), and I so much enjoy just the relaxed comfort that we have in each other's company. 

At 55, and after so many years away from dating, I don't even know what my type would be, but certainly had very different criteria than I would have had in my 20's or 30's.  Because being a good mom is so critical to me, I very much wanted to date someone that I considered to be a "good dad."  My bf is a father of 4, ages 15-23, who he adores and who adore him.  All the rest took a back seat to that since the chemistry was right.

I wish you well in the new relationship.  It does prove there is life after divorce and I finally understand what a healthy relationship should feel like.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Gail]

Hi Pandora,

I could really relate to your post.  After my divorce, I dated a very handsome, tall man for two years who was extremely intelligent.  I finally ended it as realized my self respect was taking a terrible beating by the dynamics in our relationship and his selfishness and lack of empathy.

Shortly afterwards, I met my current boyfriend who is neither tall nor particularly handsome.  However, he is smart, kind, generous, loving, funny, and giving.  He lets me know I'm important to him, is verbally and physically affectionate, and cares about my well being.  He's stable, loved his wife for 30 years (he's a widower) and is well thought of by others.  He is committed to me and to our future together.

Yet, I found myself pining some for handsome bf.  I finally got over it by asking myself if I'd feel the same way about him if it wasn't for his physical appearance.  The answer was a resounding No! 

Apperance is mostly just a structural framework primarily due to inherited genes.  It doesn't have anything to do with the character of a person or how that person will treat others.  Sometimes I think that really good looking people have a disadvantage because they are so attractive to others because of what's on the outside, not necessarily what's on the inside.

So, I'm thinking that maybe you are responding to the character of your boyfriend, which sounds wonderful, and that's what makes him your type!

Gail

[Hopalong]

Pandora, Brigid, and Gail--

You guys are lamps.
Long path likely before I ever find anyone, but your stories help light the way.

Thanks for the inspiration.

A lonesome,
Hops

[backagain]

Hi, it has been a long time. Just revisiting some old posts. I find it helpful to look back sometimes.

I ended up marrying the man I described in this post.  It has been over a decade.  Neither of us is perfect. But we are happy.  We love and support each other.  He is the most generous person I have ever met.  He inspires me to be a more caring and creative person.  For those of you exiting bad relationships, there is hope that you can have a healthy (but not perfect!) future relationship in which you are loved and respected.  I had to do some work on myself to recover from my toxic relationship and learn how to accept being loved, accepted, and supported for who I am.  In some ways it is still a work in progress, but it is worth it. 

I look back on my old life and am shocked at how I thought I could ever accept living in such a cold and unloving relationship.  I really believe that exiting that relationship saved my life and sanity.  I am so grateful.

Sending you all love and light. 

Pandora

[lighter]

Out the other side, standing in the light, ((Pandora.))

Your story is hopeful and I feel I'm in it when reading your posts.

Than you for sharing your story and returning with this update🌷

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hi Back,
Happy to hear from you. When posters reappear with followup, it is so meaningful, imo. Adds much richness to all the dialogues over the years.

I looked back at what I wrote to you in March of 2006, I was sad to face that unlike you, I did not learn the lesson I needed to fast enough. Now, at nearly-73, I finally get it. But I fear I'll be too late to have a second chance at mature love.

All the more heartfelt congratulations to you on seeing your old mate for who he was (such a handsome, charismatic N) -- and then having the courage to risk love again with a man of character. You're so much happier than would ever have been possible with Mr. Handsome in Love With Himself.

Responsibility, kindness, honesty and a cooperative nature and such are IT. They are all there is! I'm so glad to hear you found your way out of the Nswamp and are now sailing into a much better future with your true crew. MUCH respect and many bravos!

(I also latched onto Brigid's wonderful phrase about her good new relationship: "relaxed comfort." I realize that this is EXACTLY what I want to be drawn to. Begone sparkly handsome charismatic self-impressed men! I want a comfy-slippers man.)

Hope you'll be back again.

hugs
Hops