Need eldercare advice please

[seeker]

Hi everybody,

This topic isn't totally relevant to the board, but I am hoping one or two of you can steer me to board or website that is, if you are wrestling with the same issues.  Where can I find a good discussion group about aging parents, mental health, and so forth?  

We're transitioning into a new phase.  My father is almost to the point of demanding more care & attention than anyone can provide without giving up their own life and my mother is beside herself.  It's really a fine line.  Fortunately, the doctors see what is going on and are supporting my mother's view of reality, although it is still unclear what is happening medically.  They are  investigating.  

I'm wondering what my role is, what options there are, all the usual beginner questions of taking care of a mentally fragile aging parent.  There is so much info out there I don't know where to start.  Thanks in advance for any help/info/advice.  S.

[Guest Nic]

Hi Seeker,
Who's the N in your family?  That's my first question.  Why you ask?  because your question is very relevant to the board.
The literature on Ns suggests that they get worse as they age, so you might want to get as much knowledge and information on the subject before you take on any caretaker role for an n parent.
Also, what is your dad's condition?  Is he suffering from dementia, if so which one.  I have found that one of the most difficult dementias to diagnose is Frontal Lobe dementia, start off there seeker because the criteria for frontal lobe dementia  excludes alot of the other dementias.  Just ask for Dementia on your search engine and you'll get tons of sights.
Now, I am a healthcare professional, my Ns lived next door and my N dad began having mood swings ( more and different than usual), he became labile emotionally, going from euphoria to uncontrollable fits of crying, he hallucinated, was literally seeing things at the dinner table witnessed by alot of people, was increasingly paranoid.
This was in 2002, now two years later he denies having had any of these symptoms, thinks he's going to live forever and has literally rewritten history which has landed me in court!
So, the moral of this story is , let the professionals handle it and steer clear of demented Ns, no matter how much you love them and want to take care of them.
I'm sorry if you and your dad really get along and if your relationship is great, mine isn't ..but Ns with an added organic dimension to their illness can be very troublesome.  Also within the confines of an N dysfunctional family, like mine..if the Alpha N decides he's ok, the rest will agree and blame you for making a big deal out of it.
I just don't think it's a good idea to get involved past what is reasonable.  I did and would caution others to stay well on the periphery of sick and/or demented Ns.
all the best, Nic ( too lazy to log in!   )

[guest (lizbeth)]

Check out this web site:  http://www.society-csa.com

My hubby is a member (as a CPA).  There are multi-disciplined members who have special training in the issues related to elder care (financial, medical, end of life, etc.).  They can help you or advise you where you can get help.  They have a listing of members who are close to your area.

[seeker]

Dear Nic and Lizbeth,

Thank you both so much for your replies!

Nic, the N that waged the most direct and obvious attacks on me and my family personally is now out of my life.  She lives very close by, but most people "have her number".  I went through a over year of character assassination (that I know of) after the break (it's probably still continuing).  It was extremely difficult, but in the long run, she did me a huge favor by advertising to the entire world that I am not involved or participating in whatever goes on in her home.  "Friends" got a good close look to see and judge for themselves.  If they accepted what they saw, then I didn't want anything to do with them either.  However, most of them saw the dynamics at work and figured it out.  I felt this was a much more effective (though painful) way to go than a mudslinging contest.  (Phew, a little off-track, but she's the main toxin for me).  

In the meantime, however, I realize that one of my parents is a less destructive version of N.  A covert N.  But very much the Alpha N, as you aptly put it.  (I had noticed this in action in many other posts and "Alpha N" is exactly on the mark!)  I have noticed also in other posts that aging Ns will use the health field as a new and fresh source of NS.  This is exactly what is going on now.  I take comfort that health professionals are going to recognize what is going on and they are experienced in handling it and doing what they need to do.  I think one of the silver linings of the BS I went through above is that I am prepared to recognize some of the emotional part of what is going on as a non-health professional.  I felt a little funny for not getting more involved in any decision making but given your warning, I now feel so wise!  

The hard part is witnessing the incredible strain this is putting on my mother.   She is truly on the front lines and subjected to all his bizarre expressions of frustration and anger.  He is extremely "present" with me, but completely irrational and emotional in private.  I don't know what's going on yet. The doctors are looking into it, not ignoring it, but don't have the answers yet.  The slippery issues are definitely on their radar.  I will definitely look into the terms that you listed for me.  I appreciate that info SO much.

Lizbeth, I also want to thank you because I need to prepare for anticipating whatever needs to be done regarding the practical aspects of living beyond the health issues.  Knowing when and how to step in is going to be one of the biggies.  I'm going to feel more comfortable, I know, when I get a plan in place.  

Thank you both.  It's a big relief to receive your replies.  Take care, S.

[Guest (Lizbeth)]

I'm happy to help.  Besides clients, hubby was able to give elder care advice to several of our friends (one right now  in the middle of having to committ his violently demented mother (from years of binge drinking) to a nursing home that can handle her) and end of life advice for my poor brother-in-law who found out he was dying of lung canger at age 46 back in April 2002.  It made his passing in May 2003 easier on him and my sister because he knew he had all his ducks in a row.

Knowledge is power and armor.  Good luck and let me know if I can be of further help.

Lizbeth

[Anonymous]

seeker,

Both of my in-laws died in the last year. They were divorced and competed for their son's time. Both were Ns! My MIL died only last week!  In their final years they needed *massive* amounts of time/energy/effort/responsibility. There was only one way to deal with it: PAY A CAREGIVER!!! It's worth every dime.

bunny

[Guest (Lizbeth)]

Seeker,

That is what my friend was doing for his mother, but they went through 6 caregivers in two weeks, and she was becoming increasingly violent, so back in the hospital she went until they can get her into a facility that can care for her properly.  He is full of scraches and bites and windows, lamps, screen doors and blinds in his house are broken and smashed.  The hospital is working on getting her meds correct and won't release her now as they did the first time she was taken in.

Lizbeth

[seeker]

Dear Lizbeth and Bunny,

I feel awful for your friend, Lizbeth.  What a thing to have to go through!  

I tried to get a gauge on whether or not my father is able to care for himself when he's alone.  Can't he or won't he?  My mother says he can but he won't.  She takes regular breaks whether he likes it or not.  (He doesn't.)  It's like she can't breathe in her own house!  He's like a little child you have to watch and entertain all the time and the only time you get a break is when the child is taking a nap.  But I don't think either one of them is ready for a caregiver yet.  

I don't know what to call it, but the overriding theme is simply anxiety, obsessing about dying, what if, what if, what if, and massive irritability.  It's so sad because this isn't a way to live, no matter how much time one has left.