Surrounded,
Oh my! You could have written about my life with my NH, whom I have just been separated from for almost 4 months. Oh, he is good!! and it IS crazymaking. You are NOT the one who is crazy, and I agree with those who have written here that he is PROJECTING onto you. All he accuses you of, he is describing himself!!! Listen carefully when he says awful things to you, that's HIMSELF he's talking about. He doesn't want to look at himself. Much easier & less painful for him to send it all to you, rather than face himself. From my perspective, & in my opinion, yes, he is N, but he could also be BP, and all this is VERY ABUSIVE!!
The books recommended here are excellent. I have two more to add, "Walking on Eggshells" by Mason & Kreger, and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I am actually going to look for Bancroft's book, haven't read this one. You are caught in the 'Cycle of Abuse'....and I know that I suffered from 'Stockholm Syndrome'.
Only when I was put in the position to chose, 'do I move with my NH & his son, and continue to be abused verbally/emotionally' (even if he did promise to go to therapy....a TRICK on his part), OR, do I find my own place, where my own sons have a place to stay over (23 & 21), & come to freely, risking losing him. Well, I haven't heard from him in almost 4 months, NC. THAT tells alot, after 12 years (only 3yrs. living together). I made the right decision. But, my oh my, I was so loyal to him, put up with such crap for so many years, the attempt to CONTROL me (using my sons) , and I thought if I loved him enough, cooked good meals, kept the house nice, listened to him, bla bla bla, that all would work out. NOPE! He is a N, and possibly BP, and probably has an OCPD to boot! He's mentally ill.....crazy....whatever we want to call it.
So, Surrounded, you are NOT crazy, HE is! I am wondering if all 6 children are all yours together, or are some yours and some his? Is there any chance you can GET OUT? LEAVE? I know, that one can only do all this, when one is ready, so I want to be gentle with you, as I know how hard it is. He isn't going to change, cause he isn't taking responsibility for himself, he's blaming you, finding fault with you. And, none of this is your fault....they are HIS issues, and his alone. Oh, I did yell sometimes (out of frustration), and I wasn't perfect either (as someone said here, we're human), but the anger, the control, the always finding things to be pissed off about.....not my stuff, and neither is it yours.
I'm sure you are a wonderful person. Do you have someone to talk to? A therapist/counsellor? Good for you coming here, and to start reading...he won't understand it though, and will feel you are finding fault/criticising him....cause, sadly, IT'S ALL about HIM!! always!!! Look after YOU, YOU are important, you are wonderful, and you count FIRST!!!! as do your own kids!!
I'm here for you! PIP