OMG there are other sufferers and im not going crazy!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

I just want to say thanks to all who are on this board because for the first time have seen the light at the end of a very dark tunnel!!! It’s so good to know there is a DISORDER and it’s not my fault (symptoms of an Adult Child raised by a narcissist Mother)

My mother has given me hell, ever since my teens (the day I started to try independency and being autonomous). I love her, and I know she loves me. But I honestly dislike her and if she wasn’t my mother I would have anything to do with her. She’s done exactly the same to my two brothers until her skills were finally honed for me. (Both 13 years older than me)

From the age of 15 I have known her as depressed and watched her have nervous break downs, suicidal benders, and go to various therapists and doctors, all in vain, nobody seems to able to solve her problems. I have also been the object of verbal often drunken or stoned abuse from a cacophony of anti depressants, and listen to her stories about how bad her life is, and how much I owe her to look after her and visit her more, and how good she is to me. If I ever stuck up for myself I was made to feel guilty and ashamed, and that I was being disloyal, cheeky and out of control,she also didn’t like me talking to my brothers as she said we were discussing her behind her back. I supported her through the depression until about 3 years ago....I jumped ship! I too became depressed I couldn’t take the agro anymore I was dying on a sinking ship . After having therapy I’m trying to adopt a different approach. I now visit her when I think its right and actually want to see her rather, than out of obligation and duty. I also stand up for myself against the abuse (she doesn’t like this and it makes things worse!!!!!) but at least I think im trying to get the message across and I try not to take the things she says personally. I have to switch the phone off for at least a week to get some peace and tell myself if there’s a problem my brothers can handle it. I then switch it back on for a week, and the phone will be ringing almost instantly. She’s took up her heavy at home drinking again and I cant handle the calls very well, but im a lot better than in the past. My therapist made me realise it wasn’t me, I wasn’t responsible and im not to blame, AND to LIVE MY LIFE! My brother is also counselling me (he is a Christian councillor) and he is going through the same as me but he admits not to the same degree. My two Brothers left home at an early age and suffered the same. They now keep her at arms length and sometimes, can barely bring themselves to visit her. Nothing changes; it’s the same shit year after year. Because my brothers are better at emotionally divorcing themselves from her than I am, my work is three-fold, if they don’t visit its my fault, if she feels down its me she rings not them, if she’s suicidal, drunk, feeling aggressive, its me who gets the call. She blames me for her life, and for the fact my brothers aren’t close to her. They also get abuse which is why they don’t visit much. She doesn’t listen to me, anything I say, and she treats me like an infant, she patronises me and only does listen to me to the point at which she can interrupt me and advise me, then tell me she’s done the same. She constantly tries to control me and ''teach me a lesson'', she is always playing mind games and punishes me (verbal abuse on the phone) when her slightest need is unmet. I try to ignore her and tell myself she’s poorly, she can’t help it, but she’s a very powerful character and I just get drawn into having an augment or trying to reason with her.

We have had an on-off relationship for 2 years whilst I have been trying to adopt an independent life. Although I left home at 16 she still manage to tie me to her apron strings with shame and guilt, im now 31. The reason we are speaking now and this is absolutely awful, is because my brother phoned and told me six months ago she had discovered a lump in her breast. She had Breast Cancer. I stopped everything and rang her she was abusive calling me all sorts of names for not being in touch but I couldn’t bear us not talking and me not seeing her again. So I just listened to her abuse and then made plans to help her (im a mug!) I took her to hospital, visited her, and travelled 60 miles to her house twice after she was out of hospital, before all this I would have moved in and cared for her for a while but I couldn’t bring myself to do this after the time I had had with her. So, now we are back on talking terms again. Her left breast has been removed, and she is now cancer free. And the hell has started all over again.

Her behaviour has worsened towards me since I met my fiancé (3 years ago), who is very supportive and if it wasn’t for him I think I would be completely crazy. I know now she’s jealous of him (she’s nasty to him and treats him like an idiot) and she associates my dis-association with her to him. I know I have made some steps to freedom, the first recognising this, and the second talking to a trained therapist. I still feel guilty, I still feel ashamed, I still can’t get her out of my head (nagging usually), and I still shake with fear when the phone rings. I also have to still keep telling myself it’s not me, and only occasionally still have to do breathing exercises to stop panic attacks.

The more I read this forum the more I know im not alone. The less I blame myself and the better I feel.

MISST

[Tamara J]

I am so sorry to hear this. Sounds very much like my grandmother and her wallowing. It's absolutely amazing the damage these people do to themselves and others in their wake. No, none of this is your responsibility and it's very sad that you have been reduced to thinking you're crazy and panic attacks. I always wonder what these people have to go through when they finally meet their maker. That at least is some comfort for me. Please rely upon this board and others whenever you need help. It definitely works for me.

[Argusina]

I've heard that suicidal tendencies belong more with borderline personality disorder that npd, but I'm not sure. Perhaps someone can clarify this?

Support your way anyway - abuse is always abuse!

Hugs!

[MissT]

Ive read that no one case is actually unique, and have learnt from readin g about this that there really is no way of clarifying each disorder as there is a very grey margin between all the peronality disorders. In addition it has been clinically researched that sufferers of PD's usually have acute problems such as substance abuse, addiction and depression, and if NPD's do seek help its usually becuase of these problems. The Phycotherapist cannot get to the root of the problem until he/she has addressed these problems first, but research suggest the clients leave the course of treatment once they ''feel better'' and therefore the root of the problem is never resolved.

In my mothers case she has been treated on and off for depression for 15 years, she too leaves her counciller/therapist citing that she feels better. Then returns 6 months later.Thus never actually resolving her problems, the suicide stuff is often a cry for help or attention whcih is true of the clinically depressed and NPD's - to draw attention to ones self!

I was in close contact with her therapist who was a really nice bloke (if not a little niave!!) and he told me when she rings and threatens suicide to tell her that you will call back, call her back in ten minutes, you will notice that she no longer feels suicidle and is just glad you have rang back. I did this for a while and yes it did work.

This i see 'feeds' her narcissm, gives her the attention she craves. For a while this did work and did prevent alot of 'wasted'  time 'rushing' down to see her not expecting what to find!! To find her sitting on the setee drinking tea watching TV without a care in the world.

This same tharapist never once explained to me what my mothers problem was, it  was always ''depression''. So thats what she gets treated for. I actually think they dont know.
Love to hear what others also think about this!

[MissT]

by the way i was the original poster of the first message from 'guest'

HUGS TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!

[Argusina]

I'm really not an expert - but from what I've understood Ns are more "stable" than borderlines, as long as they can keep their egos inflated. When they can't, they rage etc. Suicide threats are not so common according to the texts I've read.... but on the other hand does it matter? The Pd people I've been involved in have had a pinch of many disorders    They are in plain language seriously messed up.

And... "It always feels the same on the receiving end..."

Take care & my thoughts ae w you!

[write]

'Because my brothers are better at emotionally divorcing themselves from her than I am, my work is three-fold, if they don’t visit its my fault, if she feels down its me she rings not them, if she’s suicidal, drunk, feeling aggressive, its me who gets the call. She blames me for her life, and for the fact my brothers aren’t close to her. They also get abuse which is why they don’t visit much.'

there is a lot more pressure on women to undertake 'caretaker' roles and chores and visiting and to accept abuse. I often feel that as well as being abused on the personal level it's on the social level too: the sexist unequal treatment of women through attitudes and social norms.

[MissT]

I feel thats very much the case, I actually asked her why she rings me and not my two brothers and she says because your female and females care more then men. How ridiculas can one person sound? As well her self absorbtion I have to battle her narrow minded, victorian view of life.

They also stand upto her and slam the phone down/walk out etc, she knows it doesnt wash with them. Ive just got to do this myself. Its just so hard!