The Four Agreements

[Portia]

I’m sure many are familiar with this, what I’d like to ask is: over the years, have the meanings changed for you, have the agreements become clearer, or meant more to you? They have for me and continue to mean new things, new ways of looking at things.

Quote :

Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with others, with God, with life.

But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves.  In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible.  One single agreement is not a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth.

The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new freedom, true happiness, and love.

1.  BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.


2.  DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.


3.  DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.


4.  ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Miguel Ruiz - The Four Agreements

[pennyplant]

Hi Portia,

I never read these before.  The only one I think I do naturally is the fourth one.  Have the most trouble with the second one.  Just this morning, in three hours at work, I must have taken at least three things personally and it really turned my mood black.  If I could get good at that particular agreement, what a difference it would make in my life.  What a difference it would have made all these years.

I think taking things personally has been my biggest problem all this time. 

Pennyplant

[Portia]

Hi Pennyplant

I have problems with 2. I try to see what the person is saying or doing from their point of view, I try and stop and observe my own reactions….but it’s so difficult. We make up our worlds from what we know and it gives us such a narrow view sometimes – like prejudices and the shock of the new. Like seeing someone who is facially disfigured – I try and stop my ‘shock’ reaction but if it’s something I’ve never encountered before, my system goes into flight/fight “alert! Someone different on the horizon!”. We can’t stop our emotional reactions I think (without lots of practice maybe?) but at least we can reflect on them and observe them once they’re passed.

I received an email the other day that really bothered me: I took it personally and became angry and hurt. Then I read it again a day later, having got through the anger and hurt….and read it from their point of view, as an expression of how they see the world. Their view of the world is really warped, in my opinion! But I saw I got angry and hurt because how they see me isn’t what I'm like. However….that’s how they see me. It isn’t how I see me, so that’s okay.  But it takes so long to work this sort of thing through!

Number 3 is a huge one for me!! This is why I ask lots of questions (which can really annoy people). Sometimes I have to overcome a lot of fear to ask a question. I think the person might be angry with me, or I might be ‘doing something wrong’. I hear a parental voice saying: “Don’t ask me to explain! You know what I mean! You’re just being awkward!”. Hmmm. Very helpful. Truth is, that’s a reply people give when they maybe don’t know the answer and are themselves afraid of being ‘stupid’, or perhaps caught out lying? But I make assumptions all the time. I have to keep checking with assumptions about what other people think and mean though, because I often get that wrong, in many ways. It can make for laborious communication (what do you mean by “mean”?  Monty Python sketch I think) but then when it works, it’s worth it.

Tell me more about number 2 if you want to!

[mum]

I have often thought that the four agreements, although sound and wise, miss a basic concept, or at least make an assumption: and that is that everyone has a belief system that is healthy.  I completely agree with what Ruiz says, and agree that this will change your life....but to change your life, one has to be aware of what core beliefs underlie the agreements we have already made that drive our current behavoirs....
for instance, I would have to know WHY number 2 is difficult for me....the core belief may be that I don't believe in my own opinion, or I have given up seniority over my own life to others....ie: how they feel or their opinion is more valid than my own!  and underneath that would be a basic feeling of unworthiness, or unloveability...
I definately had to find this out before I made any strides to change number 2.

YET, maybe just tossing this about IS the way to look underneath, and see what our current reality says about our core beliefs.

The other thing, that Ruiz discusses in other books, and maybe this as well, (I have yet to really READ it's intirety) is that EVERYTHING is ALREADY and agreement...and to push this further, I believe that as souls, we agree to go through ALL OF THIS on our path to God.
There is an acceptance that comes with this belief....that there is learning we need to do as the germ of every experience.  So in this way, every experience is not wasted, no matter how hard or painful....and that even pain has purpose for us.
I do believe that difficulties are agreed upon, and what we see as difficult is there FOR US, given to us with unconditional love by God (the universe, name it what you wish) to learn how to grow as a soul.

Some of Ruiz's stuff is mind boggling....how nothing we think is "real" is reality, and that reality is subjective, and that we each have a dream we are "living" and that the collective dream drives what happens to us in the world, collectively......ouch, my head hurts...
but I think the guy knows a thing or two...
He has a great book on FEAR...very heady, too.

[portia guest]

"go to the top thread, do it now!"  haha I'm in dictatorial mode tsk.

Seriously, I keep learning so much from 2 and 3: the more i think hard about them, the more they make sense.

When i first saw these agreements, ooooo.....two and a half years ago? - number 2 had me completely befuddled. I found it very hard to understand. I'm finding it easier to understand but tricky to put into practice. Now I have to empty that darn washing machine and make some phone calls. I have to pretend or assume that reality is as i see it and that i can act upon it, even though I know my eyes and brain see it upside down and my brain puts it the right way up; my brain plays that clever trick.

Our brains play all sorts of tricks: they're designed to find a way to survive and the methods for coping with what life throws at us vary enormously. i think. (At least I think I think and that's one assumption I ain't about to give up )

[Portia]

Mum, this is just my sort of thing:

how nothing we think is "real" is reality, and that reality is subjective,

Yep, reality is what we interpret it to be. If the majority of ‘the universe’ (whatever that is) is made up of ‘dark matter’ – and we don’t know what that dark matter is, actually - we know zip. And that universe we talk about – do you imagine it to be ‘out there’ beyond the Earth? I do sometimes. But it’s not. It’s here, it’s you, it’s me. The majority of me is dark matter. Scary.

Scientists used to imagine that dark matter was composed of very few particles moving very slowly. Very recently they think they’ve found that there are lots of particles and they move very fast! I loved hearing this. In my frame of reference, all I can imagine is that this is a move towards knowing that maybe there are something approaching what we might think of as parallel universes – moving with us, within us, through us. Imagine that sort if reality! Where we are but mere ‘ghosts’ or occasional shadows falling on some other ….. universe’s …. er ….world?....????

We can’t experience rock-solid reality directly because we only have our human brains. Everything we perceive we perceive through our limited perception powers. We interpret everything, we cannot ‘know it’ in the sense of ‘being it’. This used to frustrate me when I was younger.

and that we each have a dream we are "living" and that the collective dream drives what happens to us in the world, collectively

I guess so, in a way. Because we have such short lives, we don’t bother too much about caring for the planet. If we each lived to say 1,000 years the world would be vastly different. If we were thinking straight, I imagine we’d have much slower ‘progress’, tiny population, very healthy planet. Maybe not. Maybe we’d get very bored and die early from all the toxic drugs we’d invented to get out of our heads?

I think if there is a collective dream, it is that our lives are important, that humans are somehow important, because we can’t deal with the idea that we might not be. I don’t think we are: I think that is a survival mechanism against life’s meaninglessness. Not that meaninglessness is necessarily bad or good; it just is. Life is what it is and we’re here to live it 

[mum]

Portia, we sure could have  great chat over coffee one day!!!  More later when I have time.

[Sela]

Hi all:

I think I have a lot of trouble with half of number 1,  and most of number 2, some of number 3 and 4.  

IMPECCABLE

???
Using words without ever having flaws?  Like I could actually do that??

I doubt I have that ability, to be honest.  I often feel like I can't find the right words or I don't use the right words or I mix up the meaning of words.  Sometimes I'll laugh and say how dense I am (but I guess I don't really think I'm totally brainless ......just capable of being totally brainless sometimes-- ).

Speak with integrity?  There's that word we spent a good part of a thread defining and I learned there that it can mean a lot more than I thought.  Now.....to see it here....in regard to the spoken word???  Ok I try but I won't say it happens always or even on the whole, if I consider every definition of the word.  I guess I don't gossip a lot and I'm heading in the direction of truth and love, most of the time, so maybe I'm about 1/2 way on my way to agreement number 1.

 And number 2.......DON'T TAKE

ANYTHING

PERSONALLY.....

Nothing

others do is because of you

ok, I get stuck with the words anything and nothing.  I have a hard time with absolutes like that, I guess (if I use my brain enough to notice them, that is ).  If nothing others do is because of me then I should be able to drink tequila and smoke dope while swearing my way to town while my kids watch.   They learn from what I do and of course what they do is most certainly partly due to me and what I say and do.    (I take credit for allllllllllll of their good qualities, good looks, good decisions and good inherited traits!!   The rest......is from their father!! ---just kidding eh).

But I guess if I were capable of always being impeccable with my words, speaking with integrity, saying what I mean, never doing the gossip thingy and using my words in the direction of truth and love, all of the time..... ...no wait.....what I did then would still effect my kids, wouldn't it and so what they do would still have something to do with me....my words and actions......wouldn't it?

And you wanna bet I'm gonna take it personally when someone I love, I'm bound to legally and emotionally, someone I share my life with.......does ANYTHING that directly hurts me.  How could I not take it personally when it effects me so very personally?  Or when someone I love, I'm bound to legally and emotionally, someone I share my life with......sacrifices and selflessly gives.....to me.....for me........ANYTHING.....that directly helps me.....well......you probably get it now......I take that very personally too.  How could I not?  It's not like I'm a stranger or a nobody am I?  It just seems like some things are kind of personal.

When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

This is probably true but I'm not sure I WANT to be immune to it all because then I might be numb and 1/2 dead inside......feeling very little if anything???

I'm not just confused by number 2......nor do I just have a hard time with it........but .......I don't even really agree with it much at all.   I don't think it's an agreement I WANT to make with myself because I don't just hurt from what others say and do......I benefit too......from their good, kind and generous words and actions.  I don't want to be immune to what others say and do......I want to be aware and to feel and to be able to adjust, choose, react.......sanely.  I think it's near impossible not to be affected, influenced or not to respond sometimes and I don't want to be some kind of.......brick wall or something.

I try not to do number 3 but the order is impossible to keep because I'm not perfect.  No way will I ever be able to not make assumptions and again.....sometimes.....it's good to make assumptions.  It can be a help.  It can be useful.  I won't even say I won't ever make negative assumptions because sometimes.......I do.   But I try not to.....so maybe I'm part way 1/2 way part way to number 3??

And number 4 would be something I would say I totally agree with because I try .....if it wasn't for that absolute word: 

ALWAYS

.

For me, it's impossible to make and keep these 4 agreements with myself or anyone else.  It's a wonderful code of conduct, in many ways, but requires a certain perfection, I think, that I most surely don't have.

I hope I haven't upset anyone by saying all of this.  It all just struck me because I've read these agreements before and found them to be reasonable and  likely to transform my life....when I just accepted them and didn't really think about them or think much about what the agreements really are.  Wait a minute.......ofcourse it's what they might transform my life into.....that's got me really wondering now??

Well....if you're really into number 2, hopefully what I just wrote won't really be of consequence.  I guess if not...then you'll be wondering along with me.   (I just love that green guy!~!)

Sela

[Hopalong]

I like this, Sela.
Too foggy on dwugs (dentist dwugs) to be articulate, but I had sent the Four Agreements to my D, and then found I had to send your comments (w/o identifying you or the board) to her too!

Hops

[mum]

ha, Sela!  When I first read the four agreements, they bothered me soooo much. It reminded me of my very dogmatic mother, reading some religious or popular psych tenet and then posting it on the fridge as some kind of "rule" that we kids would instantly "get" and start following.
I think you are right about the "judgemental" wording....I think that's what gets me, too. And this wording can be an invitation, if we aren't already hyper-self-critical, to put a harsh judgement on ourselves for not always agreeing to the agreements..
But I take it a little differently than at face value, although Ruiz himself DID say "impeccable with our word" so I guess I should not take liberties (although I think it's translated into English as it is!!).
Anyway, I try hard not to get wrapped up too much in symantics, and instead try to catch the germ of the idea and see where that makes sense to me.
I guess I could get blasted for that, what with the wierd stuff going on on this board lately, but I remain a "feeler" and I trust my intuition about things written and implied.  Ruiz's writings are such a thing.

[Portia]

Hiya Sela , lemme take just one thing…’Taking it personally’:

And you wanna bet I'm gonna take it personally when someone I love, I'm bound to legally and emotionally, someone I share my life with.......does ANYTHING that directly hurts me.
 
Are they doing it intentionally to hurt you? Is it personally directed only to hurt you? No other motivation?

If that’s so, then I would feel crap that my judgement and the trust I’d placed in them was incorrect. I would feel bad about myself. I would feel I was wrong to love them.

Is that taking it personally? Or is that seeing my part in the relationship?

If the person does something that hurts us indirectly, again, it’s motivation. Did they do it knowing that we would be hurt? If not………why do we take it personally?

“I crashed the car and killed our children” – taking it personally means the other person did it because of you. They did it because of you, to hurt you…etc.

Taking it personally is thinking that other people deliberately do things to affect us, with no other motivation.

I think we all do things first and foremost for ourselves. Even altruism is good for us, so that’s not entirely altruistic!


I don’t read these agreements as commandments or directives. I read them to see how I understand them and what they mean to me, what I don’t understand about them and why I agree or don’t agree. I see them as controversial, a talking point, words to make us THINK! 

[Portia]

More Sela

If nothing others do is because of me then I should be able to drink tequila and smoke dope while swearing my way to town while my kids watch.     They learn from what I do and of course what they do is most certainly partly due to me and what I say and do.

What they learn from you is not exactly what you communicate to them. What they learn is what they interpret from what you say and do. Humans aren’t brainless receptacles! We all, as children and adults, interpret the world through our own senses. If you go off on a wild binge, maybe your kids will think you’re in need of help? It won’t necessarily make them go off on wild binges. Otherwise we’d have a lot more child abusers, murderers etc etc. On the other hand, maybe they would go off on wild binges? Do children tend to do exactly what their parents do, or are they more likely to do the opposite? Or somewhere in the middle?

My parent told me recently “how did you get to be so intelligent? It must be from my genes.” I was so insulted. Until I thought – this isn’t about me, it’s about them. Gosh they must feel so ignorant. Why don’t they do something about it?

Is that me being numb and immune to their words? Or is it me refusing to believe my emotional reaction? (“I feel insulted, they think so little of me, they think I’m just an extension of them, I don’t exist, I might as well not exist”. Helpful feelings?)

I don't want to be immune to what others say and do......I want to be aware and to feel and to be able to adjust, choose, react.......sanely.  I think it's near impossible not to be affected, influenced or not to respond sometimes and I don't want to be some kind of.......brick wall or something.

It’s not about you. It’s about them. It says “nothing others do is because of you”. YOU don’t cause them to act and think the way they do.

You can be affected BUT don’t think it’s them that’s affecting you. It’s you that’s affecting you.

“You make me feel X” is logical nonsense.

Well....if you're really into number 2, hopefully what I just wrote won't really be of consequence.

Well…….i can see that what you’re saying is because of the way you read and interpret the agreements! It has zero zip zilch to do with me. Yep, I don’t think you wrote what you wrote just to affect me! If I did…………..what would that make me???? How about a self-obsessed delusional idiot?

I think you write for you and to share what you think, to test your reality, your interpretation, with others. 

I do believe that nobody does anything specifically only and because of me.

Assumptions: I assume the sun will set tonight. Of course that’s nonsense. The sun never sets. The earth tilts away from the sun. The language we use is rubbish!
I assume that H will take a train home tonight and that the train will not crash. I assume that I will drive the car to the station to collect him. I assume that I won’t crash the car and kill myself on the way (I really do assume that – I haven’t made my will yet and that’s real important in our situation. Perhaps if I challenge that assumption – that life goes on – I’ll make that will right now).

We have to make assumptions in order to act upon the world. However if we know we’re making assumptions all the time, maybe we’ll think more about our lives and actions and take more care in what we do.

I should make that will. I could die today. That’s a simple example of where challenging assumptions can help.

[Portia]

“The earth tilts away from the sun.”  Whoops! Haha

Unless you’re in the er….southern hemisphere….where the earth tilts towards the sun?  I guess you know what I mean. Actually....does it tilt at all, really.....

It’s a bit like the expression “on top of the world”. I would love to have one of those maps where Antarctica is on the top.

Or the idea that we can ever be ‘still’ while whipping around the sun at the rate we do. “be still” what, on this planet?

Assumptions. I love thinking about them.

Sela, what do you think? See anything different in the agreements? Am I making any sense today….

[BJ]

Hi Portia,

I have read the Four Agreements and found it useful. Out of curiosity, I also scheduled to attend a seminar by Don Miguel Ruiz (the author), but he unfortunately suffered a heart attack prior to the meeting, and needless to say, everything was canceled.

My parent told me recently “how did you get to be so intelligent? It must be from my genes.” I was so insulted. Until I thought – this isn’t about me, it’s about them. Gosh they must feel so ignorant. Why don’t they do something about it?

Is that me being numb and immune to their words? Or is it me refusing to believe my emotional reaction? (“I feel insulted, they think so little of me, they think I’m just an extension of them, I don’t exist, I might as well not exist”. Helpful feelings?)

Anyway, considering what little I know about you, you are intelligent and insightfully unique in your thinking. It seems to me you were right in thinking "this isn’t about me, it’s about them"! Even though your emotions are to feel insulted, it's not...“ they think so little of me". Not to sound cold--I think they are observing you and thinking of themself. You know, lend credibility to themself through you.  I'm not sure about the "extention" piece but, as an offspring, maybe it's hard for them to imagine your level of intelligence while reflecting on their own. "It must be from my genes" sounds to me like they want to take pride in the fact that maybe their genetics played a role in your intelligence. So again, this is so about them and, if you can see it, there is a compliment to you in there. It's sad they can't feel, about themselves, equal attributes to what they see in you. Their most obvious "ignorance" is the lack of desire or knowledge to want to "do something about it". Maybe it's more an unconscious personal choice of generation, as well as, genetics?
Just my thoughts.  BJ

[Portia]

And thank you for your thoughts BJ. I agree with everything you’ve said. That’s a conversation stopper eh?! Okay what can I ponder on….

there is a compliment to you in there
I was just thinking about the matter of giving and receiving compliments.

If you give a compliment, you are presuming that the person you are complimenting gives a fig about your opinion. Giving a compliment is a self-healthy thing to do maybe. You think your opinions matter. Okay.

You give compliments to people you know, and who you know think well of you, so it becomes reciprocal, it cements bonds between you. All well and good.

What happens when you start giving compliments to people you don’t know? People serving in shops etc. ?

Why do we give compliments? To get something back.

I don’t want to accept any hidden compliment in that earlier statement. Because any acceptance or reply infers something is returning to the compliment-giver. And that compliment was given totally selfishly. It was given as an attack – you’re so intelligent (“getting above yourself, because I don’t understand, therefore you’re being ‘bright’ on purpose just to annoy me…” and so on) but it's from me, so I'm better. or maybe it was a joke. Either way, it doesn't need saying. Why say it?

It’s driven by fear.



Their most obvious "ignorance" is the lack of desire or knowledge to want to "do something about it". Maybe it's more an unconscious personal choice of generation, as well as, genetics?

Not sure what you mean by generation? Their choice to not want knowledge, or my choice to want it?