how do you set boundaries?

[write]

I have gone from a place of no effective boundaries to this Great Wall.

I would like to find some middle ground.

Currently I have given up relationships and assumed all men to be abusive in some way so no more romance.

I am almost 40, anyone else here wondering what to do next, whether to give up on conventional relationships?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Write

I can understand where you are coming from.  After an awful split a few years ago, I totally gave up on relationships and felt that all men were pigs.

However for me anyway, I feel it depends on what you want out of life.  Would you like to be in a convential relationship?  If so, then I know you have the power within you to make it happen and I believe that you can achieve it.  For me, I believe that having a sucessful relationship partly comes from having self worth and self belief in yourself, and taking that risk with another person.  Sometimes that person turns out to be no good for us, but the self worth allows us to dump and move on until we find a person who is good for us, who values us etc.  I feel that with the self worth, also comes boundaries because we won't allow someone to treat us less than we deserve, hence instilling our new boundaries.

Take care

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Good advice, H & H...thanks.

I'm considering the same thing, Write, but I'm ANCIENT (56) compared to you!

Only thing I can think of is internet dating, since I have little time for rambling around "looking interested." I've met some perfectly nice men for coffee, that way, but the whole idea makes me...tired.

(I have thought of doing that "8-Minute Dating" thing which has come to my town, and has an age category for 45-60, which is nice. Sounds odd but maybe fun, and at least you know everyone there is interested in meeting someone.)

I do know that sitting home daydreaming about it won't make it happen. I'll likely be swamped for the next few months, but once some of these deadlines are out of the way, and Mom's health is stable, then maybe I'll do some steppin' out.

Let me know your How to Meet Good Men Secrets, Write?

"Tis spring...
Hops

[Brigid]

Write,
I do believe (and am testament to) that you can have a happy, healthy relationship after going through a traumatic one.  In my case, the trauma only came at the end, but I almost think that was worse than having it build over the years and finally getting out. 

I agree with H & H that it mostly has to do with you and your healthy perspective of yourself, your feeling of worthiness, and you must have the desire to reconnect in another relationship.  If you are still ambivalent or find it repulsive, then obviously you are not ready.  Even though I was very hurt by my ex, I always felt that I would want to eventually find another partner.  I'm sure some of that comes from really having no other family other than my 2 children, and not wanting them to feel forever obligated to be my soul source of emotional attachment.  I am not a solitary person, but forced myself to be just that for over a year before considering a relationship with another man.

As I have said in other posts, I set my criteria for someone to be acceptable before I ever started the dating process.  This was very valuable so as not to waste my time (or his) on someone who would have been just a compromise.  First and formost, he had to be a good father, with a good relationship with his children.  I guess that could be considered the boundaries I set, at least to begin the process of allowing someone to enter my space. 

Hops,
We have a dating service in my city called "It's Just Lunch."  They find men (or women) who would potentially be compatible, arrange a lunch date and you just show up.  Designed for busy, working singles who don't have the time or wherewithall to do it themselves.  Maybe you have something similar in your area.  Good luck.

Brigid

[Jona]

Hi Write
Oh to be 40 again!!!!!

I met my husband when I was 62 and we married when I was 64.

Like you I had put up a brick wall around myself after being married to a N and following that an eight-year relationship with another N.  At the time I didn't know about narcissism.  (I now know that my mother was a N.)

After the above relationship I had a brief relationship with a man that I now consider the biggest N of them all.  It took me six weeks to decide I wanted no more of him.

Following this I went for 10 years with no relationship.  I believed that "no man" was better than a "bad man."

I think you have to reach a point where you trust yourself to enforce your boundaries. and I mean reasonable boundaries not brick walls.  You have to trust yourself that you will walk away from any relationship that is not good for you.  To do this you have to have firmly in your mind what is acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable.  You have to also watch how the person you are interested in treats other people not just yourself.  I know women who married men who were abusive to other people but thought that was ok as long as he didn't treat them that way.  Abusers always abuse everybody unless they are afraid of them.

It is important to pace the relationship so that it grows over a long period of time.  Abusers are only capable of putting on the "Mr. Nice Guy" act for a few months.  Promise yourself that you will walk away and not make excuses for a man's bad behavior.

[write]

oh I'm glad you think I'm young! I did a lot of therapy last year around this 40 and coming to terms with no more kids.

the self worth allows us to dump and move on until we find a person who is good for us, who values us etc.

wow, that jumped out at me right away.
And this

you must have the desire to reconnect in another relationship.  If you are still ambivalent or find it repulsive, then obviously you are not ready. 

I'll have to print out your post Bean, it's just a blur of wavy lines this morning!

I had a brief relationship with a man that I now consider the biggest N of them all.  It took me six weeks to decide I wanted no more of him.

Following this I went for 10 years with no relationship.  I believed that "no man" was better than a "bad man."

this is exactly what happened to me. The last man I got involved with made my ex look like a saint in terms of honourable behaviour and after a couple of missed connections I fecided to take a 2 year time out for my own good, before I hooked up with a psycopath or something...

I figure during this time though I need to work out what it is I want.

Promise yourself that you will walk away and not make excuses for a man's bad behavior.

I promise!

Thanks, excellent points to ponder here. Just what I needed to hear.

[movinon]

Write,

I'm in the same boat.  After my first marriage broke up, I felt the same - that all men were.... (fill in the blank).  Today I do not want to date.  I want to take some time for ME.  To heal.  To enjoy my solitude (as much as I can with children).  I want to learn how to be alone and get really good at it. 

There's such a societal pressure to "move on" except that means w/ someone else.  My best advice, take one day at a time.  Today I don't want to have a relationship.  My goal is to stay out of a relationship for at least a year (b/c I use relationships so that I don't have to walk through the pain).  If something comes along sooner, they'll have to wait until I'M ready of "move on".  I have very high standards these days, perhaps higher than anyone can meet.  Who knows?

Movinon

[write]

I have very high standards these days, perhaps higher than anyone can meet.

I'd like someone to hang out with first of all. Relax, enjoy our own interests + different things occasionally.

I don't want casual sex. Bipolars can't do casual anything.

Maybe I need to hang out with some relatively normal guys a bit, get used to what non-abusive/messed-up men are like ( if there are any! I'm joking, I'm sure there are! )

[moonlight52]

Wow BEAN          I am printing these out       Thank You     Moonlight

[Portia]

Write, how about writing yourself a list of things for yourself:

What you would like from a relationship (sex to cinema-trips, type of food you like to eat out etc?)

What you wouldn’t like (golf, hiking, scuba-diving?)

What is intolerable to you (interest in pornography, group sex, too much/any alcohol, illegal drugs, bisexuality, physical abuse?)

Then maybe you could work up a type of questionnaire for possibles!

“So you like Chinese food?”
“How do you spend your weekends?”
“How big is your porn collection?” (if you look genuinely interested you might get an honest response)
“I like a good brandy how about you?”

When you know what you want - and don’t want - boundaries are easier.

[Brigid]

I'd like someone to hang out with first of all. Relax, enjoy our own interests + different things occasionally.

I think this is critical for developing a clear-minded opinion of someone before it becomes a more romantic relationship.  In a casual, friendship based relationship, which does not have all the complications of hormones running wild and desires interfering with good sense, you can objectively observe the other person's behaviors toward you, the service people they deal with (very important IMO), their children if they have them, an ex if they have one, and so on.  Hopefully, that will reduce the chances of being caught by surprise if you suddenly realize that he screams at a waitress every time his steak isn't cooked quite right.

The other thing which I think is important to keep in mind when considering relationships at an older age (and I am quite a bit older than you, write), is that you must be flexible and willing to compromise.  Obviously, there will be things about which you should not compromise (the amount of porn he keeps in his closet, for example), but since we are no longer in our 20's and 30's, our lives are much more established and our patterns and behaviors more defined.  Know what is important to you and what you can let go.  Just as they say with raising children--pick your battles carefully.

I agree about the casual sex.  I don't think it's good for anyone and will only further complicate an already complicated and difficult situation (reentering the dating world, that is).

Brigid

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Write

I feel you have such excellent advice here, I’m not sure there is much I can add, but I wanted to say I do feel you’re on your way when you say what you are looking for, to meet someone like minded and someone who you can relax with.

I think it was Hoppy who said that searching for a relationship left her tired.  I can understand this as well as I feel there are few people in this world who ignite the excitement feeling in the pit of our stomachs, but those people do exist, likeminded people to ourselves do exist, whoever we are.

I’m a firm believer in if you don’t love yourself, others can’t love you (not in a N way, just that I believe we are lovable so others can love us, if we don’t think we are lovable then I feel that comes across to others).

Take care

H&H xx 

[write]

Thank you all.

Isn't the universe wonderful sometimes? Talk about synchronicity...

In my inbox this morning is a lovely long email from a guy I spoke to a few times at a choir, he said after a previous conversation he went and bought a book of poems I was quoting from!

He's a really straightforward nice guy, good place to start with a friendship.

[write]

ps

I agree about the casual sex.  I don't think it's good for anyone and will only further complicate an already complicated and difficult situation

bipolar people have a tendency to sexualised behaviour, it seems to be part of the illness. It's something I have learned to be very careful about, the safety aspects ( getting to know strangers, safe sex ) but more than that- I can get very intensely involved with someone very quickly esp if I'm manic and it's just sex to the other person!

[moonlight52]

WOW   WRITE  This is in response to the long wonderful email you received   Sometime times  you just turn around and kindness is there !  ...........YEP!
                                    MOON