Author Topic: My Sotry ( Long)  (Read 2278 times)

ClarinetMan

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My Sotry ( Long)
« on: March 13, 2006, 10:52:59 AM »
I am a newbie here, so please excuse me if I have problems with the local lingo!

Up until just a few weeks ago I never knew that such a thing as NPD existed. Purely by happenstance I stumbled across a reference to NPD with a link which I followed and came to the list of the seven signs of NPD. It fit my wife to a ‘T’! Up until that time I just thought that she was a bad tempered, aloof, egocentric, know-it-all workaholic.

Before we were married, she was sweet, kindly. After we were married is when I learned the rules, truisms, and preconceived notions. My N ‘knew’ what marriage was supposed to be like: Husband working and Wife raising the children. Only problems were I didn’t make enough money for my N not to work, and she enjoyed her job.

The most important rules were that her wants, needs, and feelings were paramount; and that ‘everything’ must be finished before we could do anything enjoyable. Having inherited the house from my N’s mother — another long story — there were always chores and ‘things’ that needed to be done. At the start I went along with this notion, but after awhile I noticed that there were always other ‘things’ that came up that prevented us from spending any quality time together.

Another rule was that she had to have the final say in everything, just like a child needing to be the one to put the last piece in the jigsaw puzzle. I could never finish any task to her satisfaction, she always had to re-tap the last nail, brush on the last dab of paint, move something to somewhere else and then be able to pronounce it ‘Finished!’

The rules regarding sex were especially restrictive regarding time, place, setting, and position. The worst was that my N could not have any ‘negative’ feelings regarding her partner, me, and considering that my N has been angry at me for something or the other since shortly after our honeymoon, it is a wonder that we had the once child. But my N wanted a baby more than anything else, including a husband, I was providing a valuable service. Once my services as a sperm donor were no longer required things went from worse to awful.

The truisms were just as deadly:
   Because she was her mother’s daughter, she was the ‘perfect’ wife and later on the ‘perfect’ mother.

   I never had a good idea. If I said “Hey, let to A, B, & C!” My N’s response was to reject my suggestion out of hand. BUT if our neighbor, or one of her friends would say “You should do A, B, & C.” it was the greatest thing ever in the whole universe!

   After our daughter was born things got even worse:

   I was a lousy father. (I could not measure up to perfection as a mother.)
   I was a lousy husband
   I didn’t spend ‘her’ money properly
   I didn’t keep the house the way she wanted it
   Women don’t need sex like men do
   She wasn’t sexy
   She didn’t like sex

She had other toxic behaviors related to her NPD:

   She could not ‘deal’ with the fact that I suffer from depression. I remember one very painful incident where I ended up lying on the dinning room floor with tears streaming down my face and my N just standing there, looking very annoyed at me. It was our daughter, bless her, that came over and tried to comfort me.

   If I came to her wanting her support in some endeavor, such as making a change in my life, her idea of support was to say, in effect, “Fine. Let me know when you’re done.”

   MY N was very good at making bargains: “If you do that I’ll do this.” If I suffered a setback in my stated goal, it was “You’re a failure, so I don’t even  have to try to keep up my end of the bargain.” Somehow she never started in on her part of our bargains.

I was being ignored so badly that I found I had to misbehave to get any attention from my N. I knew what buttons to push to get her to pay some attention to me, not very good attention, but attention none the less. Of course, that just made me ‘childish’ and not at all worth any respect as a man.

Eventually, to my everlasting regret, I had an affair. They say that the wife is the last to know, and in my case it was true. My N didn’t, couldn’t,  wouldn’t, see just how lonely and hurt I was. To her, our marriage was ‘perfect,’ because she was living the life that she wanted: the benefits of sex (a child, and someone to do the heavy lifting) without having to have sex. I wanted companionship, someone who would listen to me, and yes, someone to share an intimate relationship with. And I mean intimate in the broader sense, rather than just sex. This was in an insult to her as a wife, not necessarily a crisis to be addressed. We tried joint therapy, but my N saw this just a club to beat concessions and answers from me, rather than a tool to help us try and fix our marriage.

When I did leave my paramour and was accepted back in to ‘her’ house — it was always her house because she had lived there with her mother — my N had won. She had beaten ‘The other woman’ and that was all that mattered. This was the time that we should have gone back to joint therapy, but addressing, let along trying to fix, out problems was out of the question. I say again my N had won. Later on, during arguments, her club was ‘Look, buster, I took you back, and I didn’t have to!’

I learned to late that marriage was just not worth any effort on her part. I was the one who was going to have to make all the adjustments.

So now here I am, looking for some friendly ears and some advice. Thanks for taking the time to read this post.

Hopalong

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2006, 11:09:12 AM »
Quote
I never had a good idea. If I said “Hey, let to A, B, & C!” My N’s response was to reject my suggestion out of hand. BUT if our neighbor, or one of her friends would say “You should do A, B, & C.” it was the greatest thing ever in the whole universe!

I can relate to this, CMan. NMom did this all the time. I would feel, umm, did she not hear me suggest this specific thing about 50 times? It's an Nflag, I think.

I am glad I heard your story because it makes me less judgmental about the desperation some men feel when they have affairs.

There are ALWAYS two sides to every story. But if she's truly an N, then every single post you read on this board will increase your awareness and strengthen your ability to make the right decisions.

I don't know why she is so harsh. I do know that depression in a spouse can be contagious and even (this sounds mean, I'm sorry)--exasperating. And unemployment can too.

Sounds as though you feel relentlessly criticized, disrespected, but also as though you don't really have a lot of respect for yourself.

I know in my MANY cycles through various kinds of relationships with Ns, I have spent nuclear power plants full of energy focusing on the evidence (mountains) of their N-ness. All true.

It's only been very recently that I have begun to feel more connected to, and responsible for, my relationship with myself. And my responsibility for deciding that no matter what the cards dealt in terms of my childhood or damage from Ns, I now get to decide how I want to think about them, protecting myself but also not poisoning myself in hatred. That's probably the biggest piece of advice I have.

Not saying you should divorce or not, yield on this or that, or not. Just saying, guard or rebuild your soul. Try to become the man you want to be. DURING and after whatever resolution/s you come to with her.

Your daughter is the most important person in your post.

As you think things through, shield her all you can.

Keep posting...let us know more.

There are so many wise people, veterans of every N situation imaginable and others besides, here.

Hopalong
« Last Edit: March 13, 2006, 11:12:13 AM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

pennyplant

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2006, 11:18:31 AM »
Dear ClarinetMan,

I want you to know that none of those critical things she says about you are true.  She is twisting everything out of context to meet her own warped needs.   She really tricked you into marriage, imo.  If you had known the "rules" ahead of time you never would have agreed to this kind of a life.  My blood pressure is up just from reading what you have been putting up with.  But it is complicated because you have a daughter.

There are many people here who have navigated or are navigating through similar situations.  There is help for you and you sound ready to accept it and make the changes.  Don't give up!!!

Pennyplant
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

moonlight52

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2006, 01:31:52 PM »
hello clarinetman and welcome
quote from hops      "its only been very recently that i have begun to feel more connected to and responsible for my relationship
with myself" wow that sez so much thank you hops
and pennyp quote "she is twisting everything out of context to meet her own warped needs"wow
clarinetman i can only say i know it hurts please do not take the toxic words personally, this is so hard to do . not to be seen for who you really are is always painful.i am trying to be good to myself as hops sez here and even though its hard to look at the twisted purpose of someone
you have trusted i guess we need to trust ourselves. i am learning so much you guys are great.
moonlight

   
« Last Edit: March 13, 2006, 02:39:29 PM by moonlight52 »

ClarinetMan

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2006, 02:44:55 PM »
Thank you all for reading and replying.

It is a relief being able to vent to someone other than my T! I will take your words to heart, and yes, I'll keep posting to fill in some of the details.

Specifically, to Hoppalong: I am not offended! I know how exasperating depression and unemployment can be. Haven't had a major bout of depression in over four years, and have had a steady job for almost 3 and a half.

I am sure that my N thinks she has pulled the wool over everybody's eyes, and that the world 'knows' we still have that 'perfect' marriage. Our daughter, fourteen years old at the end of this month, is neither blind nor stupid: she can see, and has commented on how badly my N treats me. I know that she loves me, and that is the only good thing that has come out of my sham of a marriage.

Also, sorry about the typo in my subject line.

pennyplant

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2006, 06:33:15 PM »
Hi ClarinetMan,

I was glad to read this:

Our daughter, fourteen years old at the end of this month, is neither blind nor stupid: she can see, and has commented on how badly my N treats me. I know that she loves me, and that is the only good thing that has come out of my sham of a marriage.

Was hoping very much that your daughter could see the truth.  Sometimes kids get the wrong ideas out of loyalty or something.  Your daughter must have a lot of common sense and I'm so glad that she sees things as they are.  You can be there for each other.

Yes, I think Ns often believe they have everyone fooled.  It is their method of survival to be thorough in their selfish, twisted logic.  Maybe that is one of the reasons they never change, they seem to have to do this.  And the lying is automatic with the ones I know.  And since most people don't spend enough time with them to catch them in their inconsistencies, they get away with this.  In the dailyness of marriage, you're going to see things that don't add up.  I had a boss like this who I spent 35 hours a week with for five years.  Pretty quickly I caught onto the lying.  Very few other people ever put it together because they weren't there all the time.  So, they do fool many of the people much of the time.

I don't think I can comment enough, though, on your daughter's understanding of the situation and her love of you.  You certainly have done something right and it is a real gift.  In a few years, she will be able to live on her own, and your wife won't have the option of using your daughter as leverage against you should you decide to leave.  That is a very good thing.  :)

Pennyplant
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

dandylife

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2006, 08:29:54 PM »
Labels don't matter. It's the feelings that do.

Needs are needs. Whether they are yours or hers. And neither of you are meeting the others' needs.

Love is the key ingredient. You never once said you love your wife.

If the person you are living with is not the person you fell in love with, then re-evaluate. Leave if you must.

If you love her, then you must search your soul, and see if there is anything left in you that wants to provide what she needs.

She will never GIVE YOU what you need. Is she enough as she is to "make you happy"?

There is your answer.

Good luck.
"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

moonlight52

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2006, 09:31:59 PM »
hi everyone , i feel it is hard to love someone that is abusive.i have been  married 33 years .(i have a n-dad)
i believe the simple answer is each person loving themselves and then share their happiness together.i do not believe anyone can make me happy only i can do that.love is always the key .if one person is abusive it sure puts a damper on the sharing the love stuff.you must make you happy and then find another that understands that everyone is responsible for their own feeling as adults .also we can and do help each other here on this board because we want to grow and change ,sadly some people do not want to change. 
moonlight
« Last Edit: March 13, 2006, 10:21:49 PM by moonlight52 »

ClarinetMan

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2006, 12:13:40 PM »
Dandylife

It is hard to admit, but I don’t love my wife anymore. My wife stopped loving me years ago. It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love you anymore. My N has the preconceived notion that she only has enough love to give to one person, and that would be our daughter.

It’s hard to love someone who denigrates and belittles everything that you do.

My wife is a very bitter and negative person. She is angry that her life didn’t turn out the way she wanted, and I am blamed for this. It’s hard to love someone who’s first words are usually a complaint: about me, about work, about anything.

It’s hard to love someone who’s favourite topic of conversation is how best to pay the bills, or complain about how much money we spend in a month. My N’s stated goal is to never have another bill to pay, ever.

Years ago I developed a list, since lost on an old computer, ‘How to drive your husband away.’ One of these observations was ‘When you talk with your husband lecture, preach or pontificate.’ These are all very one sided forms of communication that suit my N.

With all that said, there is, perhaps, the merest spark of something tender in my heart for my wife, which is why I went back to her and have stayed.

I was a romantic and sensitive man, but those traits have been quashed. Sensitivity is a sign of ‘weakness’: men are to be stoic, the strong silent type — like my N’s father. Romantic expressions are minimized; poetry is hard to understand, chocolates make you fat; romantic trinkets are dust magnets, and overall these things cost money, and that is a very bad thing. I hope that in the future, when I am free from my N, that these parts of me will re-awake. Time will tell.

Ta ta for now
ClarinetMan

pennyplant

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2006, 07:36:02 PM »
Yes, ClarinetMan, I do believe that when it is safe to do so, it will be possible to re-awaken the parts of yourself that have gone below the surface.  That's where they are, buried in you somewhere, they didn't just dry up and blow away.  When the time is right don't even look back.

Pennyplant
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

dandylife

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Re: My Sotry ( Long)
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2006, 02:55:44 AM »
Clarinetman,

Judging by your moniker, you must have some music in you! Don't let life pass by without playing the music.

Some people just drag you down. My son and I, we laugh, every night. He says mom, do you have a funny story for me? No matter what my day was like, I find down deep inside me some funny story I can tell to my son. Because I love him so much. And some part of me just needs to be there for him.

But, some people have so worn down the outer reaches of us, that that we just don't even want to try anymore, to tell them our stories. And so we don't. And we end up turning away, without having told the story. It's kept inside. Because we know they won't get IT. They won't get US.

And that's ok. Not everyone is meant to GET US.

Find the people who GET YOU. And you share your life with them.
"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny