Hello Sirch,
How well you describe both the dilemma and the wounds it inflicts.
I cannot offer much in the way of wisdom, but I was struck by your statement that your
marriage counselor "diagnosed" your
mother. It is quite possible that the statement is true, but I wonder whether the counselor had sufficient evidence to reach that conclusion.
More to the point, I believe that your first priority has to be whatever took you to a marriage counselor in the first place. If it is your relationship with your mother, then perhaps you need a different kind of therapy--that is, you're not really in marriage counseling, are you?
Your mother has no right to destroy or undermine your relationship with your husband. Please remember this: your husband is the relationship you
chose, and as such, that relationship represents more of who you are and what you are trying to get out of life. It deserves your full attention. Your mother represents what you
could not choose, and as such, she is a powerful but not directional force in your life. That is, you did not choose to build a life with her. She was simply part of the life you were given.
I am scared of taking her out of my life because I feel that is denying myself who I am, the country I am from, the family I come from. I feel I am mutilating myself by ending my relationship with her.
I cannot speak to the country issue, but I know the heritage issue very well. I feel that if I cut my mother out of my life, I will be left adrift in the present with no personal history to fall back on. I wonder...have you attempted to make friends within your ethnic community here? Have you joined a house of worship, or a social club, or some other organization to find people who share your traditions? Sometimes that can be enormously comforting, and it might give you some sense that your mother is not your only way of connecting to your heritage.
The only other thing I can say is that your mother is not the gatekeeper of your family. You can contact your relatives--even visit them--without going through her. I know it's hard; I think Narcissist parents love to play one family member against another because it keeps them at the center of the universe. But it is possible to go around them rather than through them. This is much more of a problem at major holidays, but even then, it can be negotiated, I think.
I know this advice is easy to give and hard to take. I am only saying what strikes me as possibly constructive, but I know too that I may be completely off the mark. Whatever happens, I wish you strength and courage as you try to make sense of your pain and get beyond it.
Regards,
mcginnis40
